Been looking at it in FRED2open:
1. It's generally not a clean solution like you tied the "Clear Aera" (notice the typo) to the arrival of the transport. There's no harm in linking it to the actual "clearing the area". A clean nice +is-event-true = loki_destroyed would do the job, and the directive would get true when theyre killed, NOT when the vagabond appears.
2. Same with the "protect vagabond" thingy. Link the directives to the actual events, not to the chatter!
3. Your messaging system is more complex than it would have to be:
when-is-event-true = Message 1
when-is-event-true = Message 2
when-is-event-true = Message 3
is very chaotic, and most of all, can be simplified by using:
5. In the objectives, the is-ships-destroyed-% could easily replaced by a link to is-event-true pointing to the "area clear" event. Same with the protect vagabond.
6. event Message10 will need to be reworked. If the player destroys the Minerva beforehand, or it GETS destroyed, command will not say what it does. You'll need a second trigger for it "If-Minerva-destroyed-AND-has-arrived-delay-Iceni"
7. Directive text "Destroy Minerva" is fux0red up. It will appear right from the start of the mission, which is the first problem. The more apparent problem is, it will get true (blue) when it turns HOSTILE, not when it is destroyed(!). You'll need to create a chained event after the "Minerva Hostile" event, chain delay 0, with the "Destroy Minerva" directive text. It will then appear ONLY when it turns hostile. Add a "is-destroyed-delay-Minerva" to the chained event, and it will get true (blue) when the ship is destroyed.
8. Same problem with the "Enter Subspace" directive text. You'll need a chained event for a proper RTB text.
When you set up "unknown" forces, do not use a ship class. The funny thing is, as it is now, when you click on "? Pirates" in-game, you'll see a spinning hercules. Same with "? NTF"
The Minerva is not "friendly" in-game so best to change the IFF for the briefing as well.
10. The debriefing is severely flawed in coding terms. It does not take the Vagabond goal into account at all, so if you get the vagabond killed BEFORE it docked n' stuff you'll still get the success debriefing. The failed stage also is referenced in a wrong way. You'll need to use more SEXPing here, situation calls for lots of "and" conjunctions. If "is-event-true=cleared-area AND "is-event-false=protect_vagabond", etc
11. Change the number of extra available ships/weapons in the loadout editor.
12. Add a background (stars number, couple of background images)
13. Last but not least: Please. please. Check.... grammar.... and spelling
Also try to keep things a bit Freespace-ish, especially the command briefing, briefing, and debriefing texts could use a lot of work before they "fit the style of the games". But I think proper spelling, grammar, and punctuation would be a big win already.
You need to put more structure in your missions. It was rather chaotic, the way the events and things linked together. Setting up dummy events can be pretty useful, and there's stuff you will *have* to use them for. Also, make more use of the departure cues, the Bosch will stay there forever, so it's possible for a player to kill it. You don't want that in the campaign I assume, so make sure it leaves after it's finished its work. Make Alpha wing leave after they're done. Also, unless you use the "near-ship" or "fighterbay" locations for warp-in, arrange the ships in a way that seems natural, instead of a neat "group".