Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 11489 times)

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Offline An4ximandros

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A Vasudan and a Terran walk into a bar and are immediately crushed by the difference.

 

Offline Nemesis6

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How do you hold a party in space?

Spoiler:
You planet!

 
 
 

Offline watsisname

The Dragonborn.  Don't ****ing let him in, he's crazy and shouts people to death.
In my world of sleepers, everything will be erased.
I'll be your religion, your only endless ideal.
Slowly we crawl in the dark.
Swallowed by the seductive night.

 
 
 
 

Offline Sandwich

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Two strings walk into a bar. The first one orders something. "Sorry, we don't serve strings here," the bartender says, and throws them out. The first string gets dejected and wanders off. The second string pulls his ends apart, ties himself up, and walks back in. "Hey, aren't you one of those strings I just threw out?" the bartender says.

Spoiler:
"Nope," replies the string. "I'm a frayed knot!"
SERIOUSLY...! | {The Sandvich Bar} - Rhino-FS2 Tutorial | CapShip Turret Upgrade | The Complete FS2 Ship List | System Background Package

"...The quintessential quality of our age is that of dreams coming true. Just think of it. For centuries we have dreamt of flying; recently we made that come true: we have always hankered for speed; now we have speeds greater than we can stand: we wanted to speak to far parts of the Earth; we can: we wanted to explore the sea bottom; we have: and so  on, and so on: and, too, we wanted the power to smash our enemies utterly; we have it. If we had truly wanted peace, we should have had that as well. But true peace has never been one of the genuine dreams - we have got little further than preaching against war in order to appease our consciences. The truly wishful dreams, the many-minded dreams are now irresistible - they become facts." - 'The Outward Urge' by John Wyndham

"The very essence of tolerance rests on the fact that we have to be intolerant of intolerance. Stretching right back to Kant, through the Frankfurt School and up to today, liberalism means that we can do anything we like as long as we don't hurt others. This means that if we are tolerant of others' intolerance - especially when that intolerance is a call for genocide - then all we are doing is allowing that intolerance to flourish, and allowing the violence that will spring from that intolerance to continue unabated." - Bren Carlill

 

Offline Goober5000

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A duck walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender, and asks, "Do you have any grapes?"

The bartender is surprised.  "No, we don't have any grapes.  But I'll be happy to make you a drink."

The duck says, "That's all right," and leaves.

The next day, the same duck walks back in and again asks, "Do you have any grapes?"

The bartender replies.  "No, we serve alcohol, not grapes.  You might try the grocery store down the street."

The duck says, "No, thanks anyway," and leaves.

This goes on for several days in the same way.  Finally the bartender loses his patience.  "No, we have absolutely no grapes here!  If you come in here and ask again, Iā€™m going to nail your beak to the floor!"

The duck says, "Okay then," and leaves.

The next day the duck is back.  He goes up to the bartender and asks, "Do you have any nails?"

The bartender is taken aback.  "No, we don't have any nails here."

"Great!" says the duck.  "Do you have any grapes?"

 

Offline Lorric

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No. But we might be serving roast duck later.

 

Offline InsaneBaron

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Two strings walk into a bar. The first one orders something. "Sorry, we don't serve strings here," the bartender says, and throws them out. The first string gets dejected and wanders off. The second string pulls his ends apart, ties himself up, and walks back in. "Hey, aren't you one of those strings I just threw out?" the bartender says.

Spoiler:
"Nope," replies the string. "I'm a frayed knot!"

That one's so old, when I first heard it, the Dead Sea was only sick.

:rimshot:
Doesn't matter what the press says. Doesn't matter what the politicians or the mobs say. Doesn't matter if the whole country decides that something wrong is something right. This nation was founded on one principle above all else: the requirement that we stand up for what we believe, no matter the odds or the consequences. When the mob and the press and the whole world tell you to move, your job is to plant yourself like a tree beside the river of truth, and tell the whole world ā€” "No, you move." - Captain America

InsaneBaron's Fun-to-Read Reviews!
Blue Planet: Age of Aquarius - Silent Threat: Reborn - Operation Templar - Sync, Transcend, Windmills - The Antagonist - Inferno, Inferno: Alliance

 

Offline Sandwich

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That one's so old, when I first heard it, the Dead Sea was only sick.

Oooh, that's a new one for me - I like it! :)


A priest, a rabbi, and an imam walk into a bar. The bartender takes one look at them and says, "What is this, a joke??"
SERIOUSLY...! | {The Sandvich Bar} - Rhino-FS2 Tutorial | CapShip Turret Upgrade | The Complete FS2 Ship List | System Background Package

"...The quintessential quality of our age is that of dreams coming true. Just think of it. For centuries we have dreamt of flying; recently we made that come true: we have always hankered for speed; now we have speeds greater than we can stand: we wanted to speak to far parts of the Earth; we can: we wanted to explore the sea bottom; we have: and so  on, and so on: and, too, we wanted the power to smash our enemies utterly; we have it. If we had truly wanted peace, we should have had that as well. But true peace has never been one of the genuine dreams - we have got little further than preaching against war in order to appease our consciences. The truly wishful dreams, the many-minded dreams are now irresistible - they become facts." - 'The Outward Urge' by John Wyndham

"The very essence of tolerance rests on the fact that we have to be intolerant of intolerance. Stretching right back to Kant, through the Frankfurt School and up to today, liberalism means that we can do anything we like as long as we don't hurt others. This means that if we are tolerant of others' intolerance - especially when that intolerance is a call for genocide - then all we are doing is allowing that intolerance to flourish, and allowing the violence that will spring from that intolerance to continue unabated." - Bren Carlill

 

Offline InsaneBaron

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That one's so old, when I first heard it, the Dead Sea was only sick.

Oooh, that's a new one for me - I like it! :)


A priest, a rabbi, and an imam walk into a bar. The bartender takes one look at them and says, "What is this, a joke??"

:wakka:
Doesn't matter what the press says. Doesn't matter what the politicians or the mobs say. Doesn't matter if the whole country decides that something wrong is something right. This nation was founded on one principle above all else: the requirement that we stand up for what we believe, no matter the odds or the consequences. When the mob and the press and the whole world tell you to move, your job is to plant yourself like a tree beside the river of truth, and tell the whole world ā€” "No, you move." - Captain America

InsaneBaron's Fun-to-Read Reviews!
Blue Planet: Age of Aquarius - Silent Threat: Reborn - Operation Templar - Sync, Transcend, Windmills - The Antagonist - Inferno, Inferno: Alliance

 

Offline Colonol Dekker

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Psamtik about that one made me groan.

 

Offline Sandwich

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What's with all the FreeSpace puns, guys? I want jokes, not puns! For Pete's Setekh! :D
SERIOUSLY...! | {The Sandvich Bar} - Rhino-FS2 Tutorial | CapShip Turret Upgrade | The Complete FS2 Ship List | System Background Package

"...The quintessential quality of our age is that of dreams coming true. Just think of it. For centuries we have dreamt of flying; recently we made that come true: we have always hankered for speed; now we have speeds greater than we can stand: we wanted to speak to far parts of the Earth; we can: we wanted to explore the sea bottom; we have: and so  on, and so on: and, too, we wanted the power to smash our enemies utterly; we have it. If we had truly wanted peace, we should have had that as well. But true peace has never been one of the genuine dreams - we have got little further than preaching against war in order to appease our consciences. The truly wishful dreams, the many-minded dreams are now irresistible - they become facts." - 'The Outward Urge' by John Wyndham

"The very essence of tolerance rests on the fact that we have to be intolerant of intolerance. Stretching right back to Kant, through the Frankfurt School and up to today, liberalism means that we can do anything we like as long as we don't hurt others. This means that if we are tolerant of others' intolerance - especially when that intolerance is a call for genocide - then all we are doing is allowing that intolerance to flourish, and allowing the violence that will spring from that intolerance to continue unabated." - Bren Carlill

 

Offline Colonol Dekker

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The faustius reply yet.  Charybdis could go on a while tey.

 
Daunte you want more Freespace puns?  ;7

 

Offline watsisname

Ooh, Freespace puns, this thread is cool now.

Or maybe it is a Colossus mistake.
In my world of sleepers, everything will be erased.
I'll be your religion, your only endless ideal.
Slowly we crawl in the dark.
Swallowed by the seductive night.

 

Offline Colonol Dekker

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Cordova here and say that. Iota knossos you out.