Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 11324 times)

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Offline Sandwich

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Why did the chicken cross the road?
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"...The quintessential quality of our age is that of dreams coming true. Just think of it. For centuries we have dreamt of flying; recently we made that come true: we have always hankered for speed; now we have speeds greater than we can stand: we wanted to speak to far parts of the Earth; we can: we wanted to explore the sea bottom; we have: and so  on, and so on: and, too, we wanted the power to smash our enemies utterly; we have it. If we had truly wanted peace, we should have had that as well. But true peace has never been one of the genuine dreams - we have got little further than preaching against war in order to appease our consciences. The truly wishful dreams, the many-minded dreams are now irresistible - they become facts." - 'The Outward Urge' by John Wyndham

"The very essence of tolerance rests on the fact that we have to be intolerant of intolerance. Stretching right back to Kant, through the Frankfurt School and up to today, liberalism means that we can do anything we like as long as we don't hurt others. This means that if we are tolerant of others' intolerance - especially when that intolerance is a call for genocide - then all we are doing is allowing that intolerance to flourish, and allowing the violence that will spring from that intolerance to continue unabated." - Bren Carlill

 

Offline Fury

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It was headless but still trying to find Goober.

 

Offline Sandwich

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No, silly. It was trying to get to the idiot's house.

Knock knock.
SERIOUSLY...! | {The Sandvich Bar} - Rhino-FS2 Tutorial | CapShip Turret Upgrade | The Complete FS2 Ship List | System Background Package

"...The quintessential quality of our age is that of dreams coming true. Just think of it. For centuries we have dreamt of flying; recently we made that come true: we have always hankered for speed; now we have speeds greater than we can stand: we wanted to speak to far parts of the Earth; we can: we wanted to explore the sea bottom; we have: and so  on, and so on: and, too, we wanted the power to smash our enemies utterly; we have it. If we had truly wanted peace, we should have had that as well. But true peace has never been one of the genuine dreams - we have got little further than preaching against war in order to appease our consciences. The truly wishful dreams, the many-minded dreams are now irresistible - they become facts." - 'The Outward Urge' by John Wyndham

"The very essence of tolerance rests on the fact that we have to be intolerant of intolerance. Stretching right back to Kant, through the Frankfurt School and up to today, liberalism means that we can do anything we like as long as we don't hurt others. This means that if we are tolerant of others' intolerance - especially when that intolerance is a call for genocide - then all we are doing is allowing that intolerance to flourish, and allowing the violence that will spring from that intolerance to continue unabated." - Bren Carlill

 

Offline Sololop

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Offline Sandwich

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SERIOUSLY...! | {The Sandvich Bar} - Rhino-FS2 Tutorial | CapShip Turret Upgrade | The Complete FS2 Ship List | System Background Package

"...The quintessential quality of our age is that of dreams coming true. Just think of it. For centuries we have dreamt of flying; recently we made that come true: we have always hankered for speed; now we have speeds greater than we can stand: we wanted to speak to far parts of the Earth; we can: we wanted to explore the sea bottom; we have: and so  on, and so on: and, too, we wanted the power to smash our enemies utterly; we have it. If we had truly wanted peace, we should have had that as well. But true peace has never been one of the genuine dreams - we have got little further than preaching against war in order to appease our consciences. The truly wishful dreams, the many-minded dreams are now irresistible - they become facts." - 'The Outward Urge' by John Wyndham

"The very essence of tolerance rests on the fact that we have to be intolerant of intolerance. Stretching right back to Kant, through the Frankfurt School and up to today, liberalism means that we can do anything we like as long as we don't hurt others. This means that if we are tolerant of others' intolerance - especially when that intolerance is a call for genocide - then all we are doing is allowing that intolerance to flourish, and allowing the violence that will spring from that intolerance to continue unabated." - Bren Carlill

 
 

Offline Edhotmetal

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How do you fit an elephant in a refrigerator?

 

Offline StarSlayer

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DocGrumpyHappySleepyBashfulSneezyDopeySacramento




I needed to refresh my password, it required seven characters and a capital.
“Think lightly of yourself and deeply of the world”

 
 

Offline Sololop

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Offline deathfun

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  • Hey man. Peace. *Car hits them* Frakking hippies
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Want to hear a joke about ebola?
You probably won't get it
"No"

 

Offline Colonol Dekker

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What's green and eats nuts?
Spoiler:
syphillis

 
What's purple and commutes?
The good Christian should beware of mathematicians, and all those who make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that the mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of Hell.

 

Offline jr2

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Want to hear a joke about ebola?
You probably won't get it


Har har.

I considered going trick-or-treating in a t-shirt and jeans and then when people asked what my costume was I would have said "someone with ebola.."  :P

 

Offline Hobbie

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Here's a really dark, bad taste Australian joke.

How much weight can the average black leather belt support?
Spoiler:
INXS of eighty kilograms.
In the arena of logic, I fight unarmed.

 

Offline InsaneBaron

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  • In the CR055H41R2
Sherlock Holmes and Watson decide to go camping. The hike out into the woods, make a campfire, cook some smores, and sing campfire songs while Holmes plays the guitar. Eventually, they crawl into their sleeping bags and get some shut-eye.

After a couple of hours, Holmes shakes his buddy awake. "Watson! Wake up!
"Hunh?"
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes."
"Really? And what do you deduce from that."

Watson thinks for a few seconds. "Well, Chronologically, I can tell that it's about half past midnight. Astronomically, I know that many of those stars are actually galaxies comprised of millions of stars of their own. Astrologically, I can see that Saturn is currently passing through Leo. Meteorologically, I can predict that it's going to be a beautiful day tomorrow. Aesthetically, I can declare that the universe is beautiful. And Theologically, I can deduce that God is all-powerful and we are but a tiny part of His universe."

Spoiler:
Holmes: "Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!!!"
Doesn't matter what the press says. Doesn't matter what the politicians or the mobs say. Doesn't matter if the whole country decides that something wrong is something right. This nation was founded on one principle above all else: the requirement that we stand up for what we believe, no matter the odds or the consequences. When the mob and the press and the whole world tell you to move, your job is to plant yourself like a tree beside the river of truth, and tell the whole world — "No, you move." - Captain America

InsaneBaron's Fun-to-Read Reviews!
Blue Planet: Age of Aquarius - Silent Threat: Reborn - Operation Templar - Sync, Transcend, Windmills - The Antagonist - Inferno, Inferno: Alliance

 

Offline InsaneBaron

  • 29
  • In the CR055H41R2
Doesn't matter what the press says. Doesn't matter what the politicians or the mobs say. Doesn't matter if the whole country decides that something wrong is something right. This nation was founded on one principle above all else: the requirement that we stand up for what we believe, no matter the odds or the consequences. When the mob and the press and the whole world tell you to move, your job is to plant yourself like a tree beside the river of truth, and tell the whole world — "No, you move." - Captain America

InsaneBaron's Fun-to-Read Reviews!
Blue Planet: Age of Aquarius - Silent Threat: Reborn - Operation Templar - Sync, Transcend, Windmills - The Antagonist - Inferno, Inferno: Alliance

 

Offline Sandwich

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Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducked.
SERIOUSLY...! | {The Sandvich Bar} - Rhino-FS2 Tutorial | CapShip Turret Upgrade | The Complete FS2 Ship List | System Background Package

"...The quintessential quality of our age is that of dreams coming true. Just think of it. For centuries we have dreamt of flying; recently we made that come true: we have always hankered for speed; now we have speeds greater than we can stand: we wanted to speak to far parts of the Earth; we can: we wanted to explore the sea bottom; we have: and so  on, and so on: and, too, we wanted the power to smash our enemies utterly; we have it. If we had truly wanted peace, we should have had that as well. But true peace has never been one of the genuine dreams - we have got little further than preaching against war in order to appease our consciences. The truly wishful dreams, the many-minded dreams are now irresistible - they become facts." - 'The Outward Urge' by John Wyndham

"The very essence of tolerance rests on the fact that we have to be intolerant of intolerance. Stretching right back to Kant, through the Frankfurt School and up to today, liberalism means that we can do anything we like as long as we don't hurt others. This means that if we are tolerant of others' intolerance - especially when that intolerance is a call for genocide - then all we are doing is allowing that intolerance to flourish, and allowing the violence that will spring from that intolerance to continue unabated." - Bren Carlill

 
Ultra-Cheesy jokes

Where do Eskimos keep their money?
 
Spoiler:
in a snow bank!

Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Spoiler:
because 7 8 9 !

How does Moses make his tea?
Spoiler:
hebrews it!

TechnoD11's Ultra Corny/nerdy pickup lines!
Spoiler:
Are you a parking ticket, cause you got fine written all over you!
I must be a squirrel, I go nuts over you!
I must be using Apple Maps, I keep getting lost in your eyes!
Does your left eye hurt? Cause you've been looking right all day!
Is your name wifi? Cause I'm really feeling a connection!
I wish I was your derivative, so I could lie tangent to your curves!

And just because...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RgXWyc6wBsg



 

Offline deathfun

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  • Hey man. Peace. *Car hits them* Frakking hippies
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Oh you want punny jokes?
Confucius says:
Good to meet girl in park
Better to park meat in girl

Man who runs behind car gets exhausted
Man who runs in front of car gets tired
"No"