Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 10520 times)

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Offline Thisisaverylongusername

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What do you call a cross between a Windows operating system and an automobile?
Spoiler:
A crash just waiting to happen.
If the opposite of pro is con, then is the opposite of progress Congress?

 

Offline An4ximandros

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What do you call someone raging in all caps? A shiftstorm.
The angry nationalist fights with furor.

 

Offline StarSlayer

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Why did the pig leave the costume party?




Because everyone thought he was a boar.
“Think lightly of yourself and deeply of the world”

 

Offline Lorric

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I asked someone Goober's joke. I got an immediate answer: toffee. Good answer.

 

Offline Sandwich

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A Christian, a Muslim and a Jew were talking about their Buddhist friend who had died. They talked and talked and ended up asking each other: "When you die, just as they put your body in the ground, what would you like to be said?"

The Christian said, "I would like people to say that I was a good Christian and a good family man."

The Muslim said, "I would like people to say that I was a good Muslim and that I made pilgrimages to Mecca."

The Jew said, "I would like people to say, 'Look - he's moving!' "
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"...The quintessential quality of our age is that of dreams coming true. Just think of it. For centuries we have dreamt of flying; recently we made that come true: we have always hankered for speed; now we have speeds greater than we can stand: we wanted to speak to far parts of the Earth; we can: we wanted to explore the sea bottom; we have: and so  on, and so on: and, too, we wanted the power to smash our enemies utterly; we have it. If we had truly wanted peace, we should have had that as well. But true peace has never been one of the genuine dreams - we have got little further than preaching against war in order to appease our consciences. The truly wishful dreams, the many-minded dreams are now irresistible - they become facts." - 'The Outward Urge' by John Wyndham

"The very essence of tolerance rests on the fact that we have to be intolerant of intolerance. Stretching right back to Kant, through the Frankfurt School and up to today, liberalism means that we can do anything we like as long as we don't hurt others. This means that if we are tolerant of others' intolerance - especially when that intolerance is a call for genocide - then all we are doing is allowing that intolerance to flourish, and allowing the violence that will spring from that intolerance to continue unabated." - Bren Carlill

 
[DISCLAIMER: I heard this one from an actual Jew; don't flame the messenger please ;) ]

A Protestant preacher, a Catholic priest and a Jewish rabbi are discussing the how they distribute the donations received during ceremonies. Part of the proceeds are to go to their respective beliefs (good causes and what have you), but they can keep a reasonable amount as their own wage.
The preacher: "To divide the money, I draw a circle on the ground, stand inside it, and throw the money in the air; what lands inside the circle is for myself, what lands outside is for God."
The priest: "We Catholics use a pretty similar method actually. I draw a line on the ground, stand over it, and throw the money in the air; the money that lands on one side is for God, what lands on the other side is for me."
The rabbi: "Hmm, we too do a very similar thing: I throw the money into the air, and what the good Jahweh doesn't snatch up in mid-air is for me!"

 

Offline Sandwich

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Yep, I've heard that one... "What God wants, He keeps!". :)

Along the same lines... Do you know how copper wire was invented?

Spoiler:
Two Jews fighting over a penny.
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"...The quintessential quality of our age is that of dreams coming true. Just think of it. For centuries we have dreamt of flying; recently we made that come true: we have always hankered for speed; now we have speeds greater than we can stand: we wanted to speak to far parts of the Earth; we can: we wanted to explore the sea bottom; we have: and so  on, and so on: and, too, we wanted the power to smash our enemies utterly; we have it. If we had truly wanted peace, we should have had that as well. But true peace has never been one of the genuine dreams - we have got little further than preaching against war in order to appease our consciences. The truly wishful dreams, the many-minded dreams are now irresistible - they become facts." - 'The Outward Urge' by John Wyndham

"The very essence of tolerance rests on the fact that we have to be intolerant of intolerance. Stretching right back to Kant, through the Frankfurt School and up to today, liberalism means that we can do anything we like as long as we don't hurt others. This means that if we are tolerant of others' intolerance - especially when that intolerance is a call for genocide - then all we are doing is allowing that intolerance to flourish, and allowing the violence that will spring from that intolerance to continue unabated." - Bren Carlill

 

Offline Colonol Dekker

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I thought it was Threepios pubes.

 

Offline T-Man

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Heard this earlier today. A slightly mature one but did make me chuckle;

"Ignore all this rubbish about condoms meaning safe sex. My friend wore one when he had sex with a woman recently; her husband still managed to kill him."
CAUTION: Rabid Imagination!

self-confessed UEF fanboy.

 

Offline Sandwich

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What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

Spoiler:
One's a scum-sucking bottom dweller. The other's a fish.
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"...The quintessential quality of our age is that of dreams coming true. Just think of it. For centuries we have dreamt of flying; recently we made that come true: we have always hankered for speed; now we have speeds greater than we can stand: we wanted to speak to far parts of the Earth; we can: we wanted to explore the sea bottom; we have: and so  on, and so on: and, too, we wanted the power to smash our enemies utterly; we have it. If we had truly wanted peace, we should have had that as well. But true peace has never been one of the genuine dreams - we have got little further than preaching against war in order to appease our consciences. The truly wishful dreams, the many-minded dreams are now irresistible - they become facts." - 'The Outward Urge' by John Wyndham

"The very essence of tolerance rests on the fact that we have to be intolerant of intolerance. Stretching right back to Kant, through the Frankfurt School and up to today, liberalism means that we can do anything we like as long as we don't hurt others. This means that if we are tolerant of others' intolerance - especially when that intolerance is a call for genocide - then all we are doing is allowing that intolerance to flourish, and allowing the violence that will spring from that intolerance to continue unabated." - Bren Carlill

 

Offline Colonol Dekker

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

 

Offline BirdofPrey

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I broke my leg in two places, the doctor told me to stop going to those places.

So what do you call a lefty with a hook for a hand?
Southclaw

What is a sorcerers least favorite disease?
A Staff Infection
The Great War ended 30 years ago.
Our elders tell stories of a glorious civilization; of people with myths of humanity everlasting, who hurled themselves into the void of space with no fear.

In testing: Radar Icons

 

Offline InsaneBaron

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  • In the CR055H41R2
Three Lawyers and three Farmers get on a train. The lawyers buy three tickets (for the three of them), but the three farmers only buy one ticket between them.

The lawyers ask the farmers, "How are all three of you going to ride the train with just one ticket?

The farmers say, "Wait and see."

They board the train. While the lawyers take their seats, the farmers all squeeze into the train's restroom. The conductor comes by and collects the tickets from the lawyers. Then he taps the restroom door and says, "Tickets please!" A hand reaches out and hands him a ticket.

"Ingenious!" says the first lawyer.
"Brilliant!" says the second lawyer.
"Our turn!" says the third lawyer.

At the next stop, both the farmers and the lawyers have to change trains and get new tickets. The lawyers buy one ticket for the three of them. The farmers... wait for it... buy no tickets at all.

The lawyers ask, "How are you going to ride the train with no tickets?"

The farmers answer, "Wait and see."

The farmers take their seats on the train, while the lawyers squeeze into the restroom.

As soon as the coast is clear, the first farmer gets up, walks to the back of the train, and knocks on the restroom door. "Tickets please!"
Doesn't matter what the press says. Doesn't matter what the politicians or the mobs say. Doesn't matter if the whole country decides that something wrong is something right. This nation was founded on one principle above all else: the requirement that we stand up for what we believe, no matter the odds or the consequences. When the mob and the press and the whole world tell you to move, your job is to plant yourself like a tree beside the river of truth, and tell the whole world — "No, you move." - Captain America

InsaneBaron's Fun-to-Read Reviews!
Blue Planet: Age of Aquarius - Silent Threat: Reborn - Operation Templar - Sync, Transcend, Windmills - The Antagonist - Inferno, Inferno: Alliance

 

Offline rance

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Dyslexic walks into a bra

 

Offline InsaneBaron

  • 29
  • In the CR055H41R2
An agnostic dyslexic sits awake all night wondering if there's a dog.

:rimshot:


EDIT: Scotty, what happened to that rimshot smiley?
Doesn't matter what the press says. Doesn't matter what the politicians or the mobs say. Doesn't matter if the whole country decides that something wrong is something right. This nation was founded on one principle above all else: the requirement that we stand up for what we believe, no matter the odds or the consequences. When the mob and the press and the whole world tell you to move, your job is to plant yourself like a tree beside the river of truth, and tell the whole world — "No, you move." - Captain America

InsaneBaron's Fun-to-Read Reviews!
Blue Planet: Age of Aquarius - Silent Threat: Reborn - Operation Templar - Sync, Transcend, Windmills - The Antagonist - Inferno, Inferno: Alliance

 

Offline An4ximandros

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A priest walks into a lab as a maser.

 

Offline deathfun

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You know what burns and isn't really all that funny?
Spoiler:
Syphilis
"No"

 

Offline Colonol Dekker

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What's green and eats nuts?
Spoiler:
Syphilis

 

Offline Thisisaverylongusername

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How many Interplay execs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Spoiler:
None: They haven't done anything with the light bulb in over 10 years!
If the opposite of pro is con, then is the opposite of progress Congress?

 

Offline InsaneBaron

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  • In the CR055H41R2
For those who know a little bit of the history of the USSR:

Stalin, Khrushchev, Brezhnev, and Gorbachev are riding a train. Suddenly the train stops. The four General Secretaries wait, but nothing happens; the train won't start.

Stalin stands up and says, "Comrades, I will solve this problem!" He goes to the front of the train and shoots the engineer. Stalin returns to the traincar, but the train still won't start.

Khrushchev stands up and says, "Comrades, I will solve this problem!" He goes to the front of the train and hires a new engineer, offering to pay him five times the salary of the old one. But when he returns to the traincar, the train still hasn't started.

Brezhnev stand up and says, "Comrades, I will solve this problem!" He closes all the curtains on the traincar windows and says, "And now, Comrades, we will sit down and pretend the train is moving!"

Gorbachev, exasperated, stands up and says, "Comrades! I will solve this problem!" He goes to the front of the traincar, and returns a minute later. "Comrades! I have discovered the problem: There are no train tracks ahead of us! Let us tear up the tracks behind us and put them in front of the train so that we can continue our journey!"

So the four of them get out and pull up the rails behind the train, and put them in front. But by the time they have finished, they cannot continue the journey, because Yeltsin stole the train!
Doesn't matter what the press says. Doesn't matter what the politicians or the mobs say. Doesn't matter if the whole country decides that something wrong is something right. This nation was founded on one principle above all else: the requirement that we stand up for what we believe, no matter the odds or the consequences. When the mob and the press and the whole world tell you to move, your job is to plant yourself like a tree beside the river of truth, and tell the whole world — "No, you move." - Captain America

InsaneBaron's Fun-to-Read Reviews!
Blue Planet: Age of Aquarius - Silent Threat: Reborn - Operation Templar - Sync, Transcend, Windmills - The Antagonist - Inferno, Inferno: Alliance