Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 10497 times)

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Offline Flipside

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It's better to die peacefully in your sleep, like my Uncle, than screaming in terror, like his passengers....

 

Offline Sandwich

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Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.
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"...The quintessential quality of our age is that of dreams coming true. Just think of it. For centuries we have dreamt of flying; recently we made that come true: we have always hankered for speed; now we have speeds greater than we can stand: we wanted to speak to far parts of the Earth; we can: we wanted to explore the sea bottom; we have: and so  on, and so on: and, too, we wanted the power to smash our enemies utterly; we have it. If we had truly wanted peace, we should have had that as well. But true peace has never been one of the genuine dreams - we have got little further than preaching against war in order to appease our consciences. The truly wishful dreams, the many-minded dreams are now irresistible - they become facts." - 'The Outward Urge' by John Wyndham

"The very essence of tolerance rests on the fact that we have to be intolerant of intolerance. Stretching right back to Kant, through the Frankfurt School and up to today, liberalism means that we can do anything we like as long as we don't hurt others. This means that if we are tolerant of others' intolerance - especially when that intolerance is a call for genocide - then all we are doing is allowing that intolerance to flourish, and allowing the violence that will spring from that intolerance to continue unabated." - Bren Carlill

 
Japan troghout the ages:




« Last Edit: November 11, 2014, 11:23:37 am by -Joshua- »

 

Offline InsaneBaron

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@Joshua: Aww, cute :P
Doesn't matter what the press says. Doesn't matter what the politicians or the mobs say. Doesn't matter if the whole country decides that something wrong is something right. This nation was founded on one principle above all else: the requirement that we stand up for what we believe, no matter the odds or the consequences. When the mob and the press and the whole world tell you to move, your job is to plant yourself like a tree beside the river of truth, and tell the whole world — "No, you move." - Captain America

InsaneBaron's Fun-to-Read Reviews!
Blue Planet: Age of Aquarius - Silent Threat: Reborn - Operation Templar - Sync, Transcend, Windmills - The Antagonist - Inferno, Inferno: Alliance

 

Offline Thisisaverylongusername

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A blonde walks into a bar. Ouch.
If the opposite of pro is con, then is the opposite of progress Congress?

 

Offline Hobbie

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My parents were very wealthy. When they heard I was struggling in my History classes they got me my own private Tudor.
In the arena of logic, I fight unarmed.

 
Confucius says:
Man who make mistake on elevator
is wrong on many levels

 

Offline karajorma

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I used to be a werewolf but I'm all right nooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwww.
Karajorma's Freespace FAQ. It's almost like asking me yourself.

[ Diaspora ] - [ Seeds Of Rebellion ] - [ Mind Games ]

 
What's purple and commutes?
What?

Oh, right. An abelian grape, that's what. What's yellow, normed and complete?

(a bananach space)
The good Christian should beware of mathematicians, and all those who make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that the mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of Hell.

 
actually i forgot the best one of these: what's purple, commutes, and is ritually worshipped on evenly-numbered evenings?

a bi-nightly venerated abelian grape
The good Christian should beware of mathematicians, and all those who make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that the mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of Hell.

 

Offline Dragon

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What is the anagram of Banach-Tarski? Banach-Tarski Banach-Tarski. :)
Yeah, old one, I know.

 

Offline InsaneBaron

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A chemist, an electrician, and an IT support worker get in a car. The car won't start.

The chemist says, "There must be something wrong with the fuel mixture."

The electrician says, "One of the spark plugs must be dead."

The IT support worker says, "Let's get out of the car and then back in!"
Doesn't matter what the press says. Doesn't matter what the politicians or the mobs say. Doesn't matter if the whole country decides that something wrong is something right. This nation was founded on one principle above all else: the requirement that we stand up for what we believe, no matter the odds or the consequences. When the mob and the press and the whole world tell you to move, your job is to plant yourself like a tree beside the river of truth, and tell the whole world — "No, you move." - Captain America

InsaneBaron's Fun-to-Read Reviews!
Blue Planet: Age of Aquarius - Silent Threat: Reborn - Operation Templar - Sync, Transcend, Windmills - The Antagonist - Inferno, Inferno: Alliance

 

Offline MP-Ryan

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A young man is sitting in a bar, drowning his sorrows, when another fellow sits down near him and orders a drink.  The newcomer opens up his backpack and takes out a toy grand piano and sets it on the bar, then reaches up on his collar, and to the astonishment of the onlookers, helps a tuxedo-wearing man only a foot tall down to the piano where the diminuitive fellow cracks his knuckles and begins to play, beautifully.

The young man looks at the newcomer and says "That's amazing!  Where did you find him?"

The newcomer takes a drink and says "Got him from a wish.  I'm from Ireland, and there's a leprechaun that's followed my family around for years.  Can't get rid of him."

The young man perks up and thinks this could reverse his fortunes.  "I don't suppose I could ask him for a wish?"

"Suit yourself," the newcomer says, and snaps his fingers.  A tiny man, dressed in green and looking incredibly ancient, appeared on the bar.  "This young lad wants to know if he can have a wish, friend," said the newcomer.

"Why doesn't he just ask the barkeep if they serve fish, then?" said the leprechaun.

"No, a wish!"

"Oh, alright then.  What's your heart's desire, lad?"

The young man thinks for a moment and says "Well, it may be cliche, but I wish for you pot of gold!"

*POOF*  The pianist began a mournful tune, as the young man regarded a large pot filled to the brim with black mold.

The young man turned to the newcomer, who was still taking swigs of his drink.  "A might bit hard of hearing, is he?"

"Did you really think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?"
"In the beginning, the Universe was created.  This made a lot of people very angry and has widely been regarded as a bad move."  [Douglas Adams]

 

Offline StarSlayer

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Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.  The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
“Think lightly of yourself and deeply of the world”

 

Offline Colonol Dekker

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What does a vasudan girlfriend want that you might misinterpret?

Spoiler:
head


 

Offline An4ximandros

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What does the gal with hairdo say to the rabbit?
Spoiler:
Ubuntu

What does the franglish guy say about how his girlfriend's doing?
Spoiler:
Shiva

How you spell Unionized says a lot about you.
« Last Edit: November 13, 2014, 04:30:26 pm by An4ximandros »

 

Offline swashmebuckle

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What does a vasudan girlfriend want that you might misinterpret?

Spoiler:
head
:lol: The horror!

 

Offline Colonol Dekker

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Inb4 that pic. ..


Why did the zod cross the road?

Spoiler:
Because he mentu

I make them up as I go along.....

 

Offline Sandwich

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You really need to atenuate yourself...
SERIOUSLY...! | {The Sandvich Bar} - Rhino-FS2 Tutorial | CapShip Turret Upgrade | The Complete FS2 Ship List | System Background Package

"...The quintessential quality of our age is that of dreams coming true. Just think of it. For centuries we have dreamt of flying; recently we made that come true: we have always hankered for speed; now we have speeds greater than we can stand: we wanted to speak to far parts of the Earth; we can: we wanted to explore the sea bottom; we have: and so  on, and so on: and, too, we wanted the power to smash our enemies utterly; we have it. If we had truly wanted peace, we should have had that as well. But true peace has never been one of the genuine dreams - we have got little further than preaching against war in order to appease our consciences. The truly wishful dreams, the many-minded dreams are now irresistible - they become facts." - 'The Outward Urge' by John Wyndham

"The very essence of tolerance rests on the fact that we have to be intolerant of intolerance. Stretching right back to Kant, through the Frankfurt School and up to today, liberalism means that we can do anything we like as long as we don't hurt others. This means that if we are tolerant of others' intolerance - especially when that intolerance is a call for genocide - then all we are doing is allowing that intolerance to flourish, and allowing the violence that will spring from that intolerance to continue unabated." - Bren Carlill

 

Offline An4ximandros

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These bad puns are Typhon