Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 12239 times)

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For those who know a little bit of the history of the USSR:

Stalin, Khrushchev, Brezhnev, and Gorbachev are riding a train. Suddenly the train stops. The four General Secretaries wait, but nothing happens; the train won't start.

Stalin stands up and says, "Comrades, I will solve this problem!" He goes to the front of the train and shoots the engineer. Stalin returns to the traincar, but the train still won't start.

Khrushchev stands up and says, "Comrades, I will solve this problem!" He goes to the front of the train and hires a new engineer, offering to pay him five times the salary of the old one. But when he returns to the traincar, the train still hasn't started.

Brezhnev stand up and says, "Comrades, I will solve this problem!" He closes all the curtains on the traincar windows and says, "And now, Comrades, we will sit down and pretend the train is moving!"

Gorbachev, exasperated, stands up and says, "Comrades! I will solve this problem!" He goes to the front of the traincar, and returns a minute later. "Comrades! I have discovered the problem: There are no train tracks ahead of us! Let us tear up the tracks behind us and put them in front of the train so that we can continue our journey!"

So the four of them get out and pull up the rails behind the train, and put them in front. But by the time they have finished, they cannot continue the journey, because Yeltsin stole the train!
Hehe historic humor, I like it :)

 

Offline Colonol Dekker

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Offline wardog300k

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*Russian historic joke*

One of the...most interesting ones i heard(or read) recently.BTW Stalin's tactic is the best one. :D
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Offline Dragon

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Don't forget how in the end, Putin comes by in a train consisting of a single wagon pulled by a small handcar (staffed by three rail inspectors and one engineer who's doing all the pumping) and invites them all in. :)

 

Offline karajorma

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Gorbachev himself once told this joke on a TV show I watched. I'm paraphrasing of course.


Two Russian men were waiting in a queue for bread in Moscow. It's really cold and eventually after an hour one of the guys explaims "That's it! I've had enough! I'm off to the Kremlin to kill Gorbachev!"
 With that he steps out of line and walks away. The other guy keeps waiting and after 2 hours or so his friend comes back and rejoins the queue.
"I thought you were going to the Kremlin to kill Gorbachev?"
"I went. I came back cause there was a longer queue there!"
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Offline An4ximandros

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Isaac Newton walks into a bar, it pushes back with one newton.

 
Isaac Newton walks into a bar, it pushes back with one newton.

Heh heh heh

 

Offline Goober5000

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Gorbachev himself once told this joke on a TV show I watched. I'm paraphrasing of course.

Two Russian men were waiting in a queue for bread in Moscow. It's really cold and eventually after an hour one of the guys explaims "That's it! I've had enough! I'm off to the Kremlin to kill Gorbachev!"
 With that he steps out of line and walks away. The other guy keeps waiting and after 2 hours or so his friend comes back and rejoins the queue.
"I thought you were going to the Kremlin to kill Gorbachev?"
"I went. I came back cause there was a longer queue there!"

:lol: That sounds positively Reaganesque!

 

Offline InsaneBaron

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Well, while we're on the topic of Russia jokes...

First Soviet Worker: "Why do soviet policemen travel in threes?"
Second Soviet Worker: "One to write, one to read, and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals."

Three policemen burst into the scene.

First policeman: What did you say?!? Present your IDs!" *turns to second policeman* "You! Take down their names!"
Doesn't matter what the press says. Doesn't matter what the politicians or the mobs say. Doesn't matter if the whole country decides that something wrong is something right. This nation was founded on one principle above all else: the requirement that we stand up for what we believe, no matter the odds or the consequences. When the mob and the press and the whole world tell you to move, your job is to plant yourself like a tree beside the river of truth, and tell the whole world — "No, you move." - Captain America

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Offline InsaneBaron

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This one was told me by a Spanish immigrant I know; not sure if he made it up himself after experiencing America or if he read it somewhere.

In the best parts of America...
The police are British,
The cooks are French,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
And it's all organized by the Swiss.

In the worst parts of America...
The cooks are British,
The mechanics are French,
The police are German,
The lovers are Swiss,
And it's all organized by the Italians.




Apologies to any Brits who like to cook.  :P
Doesn't matter what the press says. Doesn't matter what the politicians or the mobs say. Doesn't matter if the whole country decides that something wrong is something right. This nation was founded on one principle above all else: the requirement that we stand up for what we believe, no matter the odds or the consequences. When the mob and the press and the whole world tell you to move, your job is to plant yourself like a tree beside the river of truth, and tell the whole world — "No, you move." - Captain America

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Offline Dragon

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Heard a version of this with heaven and hell. :)

As for the Russians humor:
Primary school, history lesson. The teacher is talking about Russian Civil War.
One boy says "My granddad once met Chapayev, the great hero of the Revolution!".
The teacher is impressed and tells the boy to invite his grandfather to tell them about it.
So, the boy's grandfather comes to the school and tells them the story:
"We were sitting with the boys at the bank of the Ural river. Suddenly, we spotted someone trying to swim across. One of my comrades rises up and shouts 'Hey, it's Chapayev, shoot him, quick!' ". :)
Spoiler:
For those who don't know, Chapayev was a popular hero of Soviet propaganda, a movie and of numerous jokes as well. He was most likely shot by the White Army, trying to escape across the Ural river...

 

Offline karajorma

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I posted this one on 9Gag a while back where it was completely ignored. I suspect that people here will appreciate it more.




I managed to get out of the friendzone so I wanted to tell people how to do it.

There was this girl I really liked when I was young. She was older than me, so at the time she just saw me as a little kid. There was no way she could ever think of me as boyfriend material.

Years later I met her again because of my job. She still thought of me as a friend. I guess she couldn't see past her memories of me as a bratty kid. Of course, I was interested in her because she was still super hot.

Luckily my job got me sent on a business trip with her. I really wanted to try to talk her into liking me but I don't have that much experience with girls so everything I said to her came out pretty cheesey. It didn't help that she kept saying that she was really into her career and that she couldn't date me because of that. On the trip we spent a lot of our free time sightseeing together. We did a few romantic things like a picnic and a candlelight dinner together, but it didn't help much. At one point she did kiss me but she pulled away immediately afterwards and acted like it was a big mistake. 
 
Eventually, one night it just got too much. I broke down and told her that I really loved her and would do anything for us to be together. She just told me again that her job was more important.

But in the end I did manage to get her to marry me. Want to know what I did?


Spoiler:
All I had to do was kill a bunch of Tusken Raiders and try to rescue Obi-Wan Kenobi.
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Offline InsaneBaron

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Heard a version of this with heaven and hell. :)

As for the Russians humor:
Primary school, history lesson. The teacher is talking about Russian Civil War.
One boy says "My granddad once met Chapayev, the great hero of the Revolution!".
The teacher is impressed and tells the boy to invite his grandfather to tell them about it.
So, the boy's grandfather comes to the school and tells them the story:
"We were sitting with the boys at the bank of the Ural river. Suddenly, we spotted someone trying to swim across. One of my comrades rises up and shouts 'Hey, it's Chapayev, shoot him, quick!' ". :)
Spoiler:
For those who don't know, Chapayev was a popular hero of Soviet propaganda, a movie and of numerous jokes as well. He was most likely shot by the White Army, trying to escape across the Ural river...

 :wakka:

Doesn't matter what the press says. Doesn't matter what the politicians or the mobs say. Doesn't matter if the whole country decides that something wrong is something right. This nation was founded on one principle above all else: the requirement that we stand up for what we believe, no matter the odds or the consequences. When the mob and the press and the whole world tell you to move, your job is to plant yourself like a tree beside the river of truth, and tell the whole world — "No, you move." - Captain America

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karajorma, I'm ashamed that I didn't see that coming. Well done :D

 

Offline InsaneBaron

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How do you tell if a kid is a Star Wars fan?

"Hey, kid, count to ten!"

"Uh... four five six... uh... one two three... uh... seven eight nine..."



:rimshot:
Doesn't matter what the press says. Doesn't matter what the politicians or the mobs say. Doesn't matter if the whole country decides that something wrong is something right. This nation was founded on one principle above all else: the requirement that we stand up for what we believe, no matter the odds or the consequences. When the mob and the press and the whole world tell you to move, your job is to plant yourself like a tree beside the river of truth, and tell the whole world — "No, you move." - Captain America

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Offline Colonol Dekker

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In the spirit of comradeship..



Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.



At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Sasha puts her hand up and says "I have two questions" "Why did the Russians take Crimea? And Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?" Putin says "Good questions" But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to Lunch.
When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says "I have Four questions"
"My Questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? And Where is Sasha?"


 

Offline karajorma

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Putin has to travel to Ukraine for an important conference. At the airport he still as to pass through immigration. The official asks him a few standard questions on the way in.

"How long will you be staying in the country?"
"Five Days" Putin answers.

"Occupation?"
"No, I'm just visiting"
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Offline ssmit132

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Seen that kind of joke before with different leaders but it's still amusing :lol:

 

Offline Dragon

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Yeah. Though it's less plausible than with an anglophone leader, because the pun doesn't quite work in Russian.

 

Offline InsaneBaron

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A man owns a small bar. One of his most faithful customers is an eye doctor who comes at eight every evening and orders a hazelnut daiquiri.

One day, at seven, the bartender realizes he's out of hazelnuts. "What am I going to do?" He asks. "My friend will be here soon, and I can't make his hazelnut daiquiri!"

So he checks his stock, and finds he has plenty of hickory nuts.

So when the eye doctor arrives, the bartender mixes him up a daiquiri out of hickory nuts. The eye doctor immediately tastes the difference. "Hey, this isn't a hazelnut daiquiri."

The bartender answers, "No. It's a Hickory Daiquiri, Doc."
Doesn't matter what the press says. Doesn't matter what the politicians or the mobs say. Doesn't matter if the whole country decides that something wrong is something right. This nation was founded on one principle above all else: the requirement that we stand up for what we believe, no matter the odds or the consequences. When the mob and the press and the whole world tell you to move, your job is to plant yourself like a tree beside the river of truth, and tell the whole world — "No, you move." - Captain America

InsaneBaron's Fun-to-Read Reviews!
Blue Planet: Age of Aquarius - Silent Threat: Reborn - Operation Templar - Sync, Transcend, Windmills - The Antagonist - Inferno, Inferno: Alliance