Sigtau, you probably want to tighten up the writing on your samples.
Take Admiral Pollock's line. "At 0800 hours, the Nautilus entered the Delta Serpentis asteroid belt. The Delta Serpentis system is where the provisional GTVA government was originally set up, until its relocation in 2375 to the Ribos system. This relocation was caused by several orders given to construct certain structures in Delta Serpentis, and because of the high traffic of freighters, transports, and cruisers alike, Allied Command had found a need to relocate."
The second sentence is nonsensical. The provisional GTVA government wasn't 'originally set up until its relocation'. Setting up happens once; it doesn't last until a relocation. Perhaps try "The provisional GTVA government was established in Delta Serpentis, where it remained until its relocation to the Ribos system in 2375."
The third sentence suffers from a broken second clause and a general lack of specificity. Try to be as specific as possible - 'several orders' should become 'the Security Council's orders' or somesuch. In addition, it's a passive construction of sorts.
Instead, try something like: "Allied Command's decision to relocate was spurred by an increase in civilian shipping in Delta Serpentis. The construction of certain critical structures has tripled freighter and transport traffic." More direct and clear.
Lastly, McCarthy's second line "If you do not comply with these declarations, you will have only the modified Orions in my arsenal to answer to" sounds a bit GI Joe-esque. It's clearly an attempt to fit in some in-line exposition about the nature of his warships, but it sounds unnatural. Again, more direct: "If you do not comply with this declaration, you will have my warships to answer to."
