-
Why did the chicken cross the road?
-
It was headless but still trying to find Goober.
-
No, silly. It was trying to get to the idiot's house.
Knock knock.
-
...who's there?
-
...the chicken. :D
-
(http://forums.watchuseek.com/attachments/f2/1183490d1376001399-pawn-stars-what-watch-i-see-what-you-did-there-futurama-fry-sneaky-sneak-hk7gda.jpg)
:lol: :D
-
How do you fit an elephant in a refrigerator?
-
DocGrumpyHappySleepyBashfulSneezyDopeySacramento
I needed to refresh my password, it required seven characters and a capital.
-
Augusta
...?
-
@StarSlayer
Lol
-
Want to hear a joke about ebola?
You probably won't get it
-
What's green and eats nuts?
syphillis
-
What's purple and commutes?
-
Want to hear a joke about ebola?
You probably won't get it
Har har.
I considered going trick-or-treating in a t-shirt and jeans and then when people asked what my costume was I would have said "someone with ebola.." :P
-
Here's a really dark, bad taste Australian joke.
How much weight can the average black leather belt support?
INXS of eighty kilograms.
-
Sherlock Holmes and Watson decide to go camping. The hike out into the woods, make a campfire, cook some smores, and sing campfire songs while Holmes plays the guitar. Eventually, they crawl into their sleeping bags and get some shut-eye.
After a couple of hours, Holmes shakes his buddy awake. "Watson! Wake up!
"Hunh?"
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes."
"Really? And what do you deduce from that."
Watson thinks for a few seconds. "Well, Chronologically, I can tell that it's about half past midnight. Astronomically, I know that many of those stars are actually galaxies comprised of millions of stars of their own. Astrologically, I can see that Saturn is currently passing through Leo. Meteorologically, I can predict that it's going to be a beautiful day tomorrow. Aesthetically, I can declare that the universe is beautiful. And Theologically, I can deduce that God is all-powerful and we are but a tiny part of His universe."
Holmes: "Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!!!"
-
What's purple and commutes?
What?
-
Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducked.
-
Ultra-Cheesy jokes
Where do Eskimos keep their money?
in a snow bank!
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
because 7 8 9 !
How does Moses make his tea?
hebrews it!
TechnoD11's Ultra Corny/nerdy pickup lines!
Are you a parking ticket, cause you got fine written all over you!
I must be a squirrel, I go nuts over you!
I must be using Apple Maps, I keep getting lost in your eyes!
Does your left eye hurt? Cause you've been looking right all day!
Is your name wifi? Cause I'm really feeling a connection!
I wish I was your derivative, so I could lie tangent to your curves!
And just because...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RgXWyc6wBsg
-
Oh you want punny jokes?
Confucius says:
Good to meet girl in park
Better to park meat in girl
Man who runs behind car gets exhausted
Man who runs in front of car gets tired
-
It's better to die peacefully in your sleep, like my Uncle, than screaming in terror, like his passengers....
-
Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.
-
Japan troghout the ages:
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/563331_10153137149145483_2062450289_n.png)
(https://i.4cdn.org/k/1415662588262.jpg)
-
@Joshua: Aww, cute :P
-
A blonde walks into a bar. Ouch.
-
My parents were very wealthy. When they heard I was struggling in my History classes they got me my own private Tudor.
-
Confucius says:
Man who make mistake on elevator
is wrong on many levels
-
I used to be a werewolf but I'm all right nooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwww.
-
What's purple and commutes?
What?
Oh, right. An abelian grape, that's what. What's yellow, normed and complete?
(a bananach space)
-
actually i forgot the best one of these: what's purple, commutes, and is ritually worshipped on evenly-numbered evenings?
a bi-nightly venerated abelian grape
-
What is the anagram of Banach-Tarski? Banach-Tarski Banach-Tarski. :)
Yeah, old one, I know.
-
A chemist, an electrician, and an IT support worker get in a car. The car won't start.
The chemist says, "There must be something wrong with the fuel mixture."
The electrician says, "One of the spark plugs must be dead."
The IT support worker says, "Let's get out of the car and then back in!"
-
A young man is sitting in a bar, drowning his sorrows, when another fellow sits down near him and orders a drink. The newcomer opens up his backpack and takes out a toy grand piano and sets it on the bar, then reaches up on his collar, and to the astonishment of the onlookers, helps a tuxedo-wearing man only a foot tall down to the piano where the diminuitive fellow cracks his knuckles and begins to play, beautifully.
The young man looks at the newcomer and says "That's amazing! Where did you find him?"
The newcomer takes a drink and says "Got him from a wish. I'm from Ireland, and there's a leprechaun that's followed my family around for years. Can't get rid of him."
The young man perks up and thinks this could reverse his fortunes. "I don't suppose I could ask him for a wish?"
"Suit yourself," the newcomer says, and snaps his fingers. A tiny man, dressed in green and looking incredibly ancient, appeared on the bar. "This young lad wants to know if he can have a wish, friend," said the newcomer.
"Why doesn't he just ask the barkeep if they serve fish, then?" said the leprechaun.
"No, a wish!"
"Oh, alright then. What's your heart's desire, lad?"
The young man thinks for a moment and says "Well, it may be cliche, but I wish for you pot of gold!"
*POOF* The pianist began a mournful tune, as the young man regarded a large pot filled to the brim with black mold.
The young man turned to the newcomer, who was still taking swigs of his drink. "A might bit hard of hearing, is he?"
"Did you really think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?"
-
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
-
What does a vasudan girlfriend want that you might misinterpret?
head
-
What does the gal with hairdo say to the rabbit?
Ubuntu
What does the franglish guy say about how his girlfriend's doing? Shiva
How you spell Unionized says a lot about you.
-
What does a vasudan girlfriend want that you might misinterpret?
head
:lol: The horror!
-
Inb4 that pic. ..
Why did the zod cross the road?
Because he mentu
I make them up as I go along.....
-
You really need to atenuate yourself...
-
These bad puns are Typhon
-
Akheton board the fun bus people!
-
I was really hoping to Steele some of those puns, but you beat me to them!
Haven't you had Enif puns already?
Did you remember to Pax all your stuff?
(totally didn't just browse the ship database for those...)
-
Loki here. We got ourselves a comedian. Dis is a really good Fred and if you don't like it you Beta change your attitude.
-
I was really hoping to Steele some of those puns, but you beat me to them!
Haven't you had Enif puns already?
Did you remember to Pax all your stuff?
(totally didn't just browse the ship database for those...)
Best trout some butter puns and stop being so shellfish. Cod you let minnow when you've got more?
-
A horse track owner has recently started having problems with his track turning to mud and his horses getting injured. He approaches 3 scientists, an inventor, a chemist, and a physicist, and gives them each 2 weeks to come up with a solution. After the two weeks have passed he returns and asks what they've come up with. The inventor has created an exoskeleton that prevents the horses from falling. The chemist has created a super drug that strengths the horses' muscles. The owner asks the the physicist what he has come up with. The physicist replies: "Well first I assume that the horse is a perfect sphere"......
-
Where do Vasudans make their economy-class freighters?
Satis-factory
-
This thread is an Inferno of Mind Games and Frontlines at the Blue Planet. It lies Between the Ashes of our Diaspora.
-
This thread is an Inferno of Mind Games and Frontlines at the Blue Planet. It lies Between the Ashes of our Diaspora.
... Just Another Day at the Hard Light Brigade.
-
Dive dive dive related sex joke goes here.
-
this thread has somehow managed to go downhill in the last page
-
Yeah, it has really hit Post Meridian.
-
Dive dive dive related sex joke goes here.
You know, when that pilot persona says "I'm going down! I'm going down!" Let's just say I always end up thinking of something different to a pilot going down in flames. :D
It's just the way he says it.
-
Need resupply!
-
the ntf is the only legitimate authority in this system
-
Why did little Johnny drop his icecream?
Because he got hit by a truck
-
How do you make a farmer cry?
Kill his family.
-
Knock Knock
-
Who's there...? :nervous:
-
Not Johnny
-
;7
-
A Vasudan and a Terran walk into a bar and are immediately crushed by the difference.
-
How do you hold a party in space?
You planet!
-
Knock knock
-
Who's there?
-
The Dragonborn. Don't ****ing let him in, he's crazy and shouts people to death.
-
Who's there?
Getuda
-
Who's there?
Getuda
Getuda who? :nervous:
-
Who's there?
Getuda
Getuda who? :nervous:
GETUDA CHOPPA!!!
(Predator refference)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xs_OacEq2Sk
-
Two strings walk into a bar. The first one orders something. "Sorry, we don't serve strings here," the bartender says, and throws them out. The first string gets dejected and wanders off. The second string pulls his ends apart, ties himself up, and walks back in. "Hey, aren't you one of those strings I just threw out?" the bartender says.
"Nope," replies the string. "I'm a frayed knot!"
-
A duck walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender, and asks, "Do you have any grapes?"
The bartender is surprised. "No, we don't have any grapes. But I'll be happy to make you a drink."
The duck says, "That's all right," and leaves.
The next day, the same duck walks back in and again asks, "Do you have any grapes?"
The bartender replies. "No, we serve alcohol, not grapes. You might try the grocery store down the street."
The duck says, "No, thanks anyway," and leaves.
This goes on for several days in the same way. Finally the bartender loses his patience. "No, we have absolutely no grapes here! If you come in here and ask again, I’m going to nail your beak to the floor!"
The duck says, "Okay then," and leaves.
The next day the duck is back. He goes up to the bartender and asks, "Do you have any nails?"
The bartender is taken aback. "No, we don't have any nails here."
"Great!" says the duck. "Do you have any grapes?"
-
No. But we might be serving roast duck later.
-
Two strings walk into a bar. The first one orders something. "Sorry, we don't serve strings here," the bartender says, and throws them out. The first string gets dejected and wanders off. The second string pulls his ends apart, ties himself up, and walks back in. "Hey, aren't you one of those strings I just threw out?" the bartender says.
"Nope," replies the string. "I'm a frayed knot!"
That one's so old, when I first heard it, the Dead Sea was only sick.
:rimshot:
-
That one's so old, when I first heard it, the Dead Sea was only sick.
Oooh, that's a new one for me - I like it! :)
A priest, a rabbi, and an imam walk into a bar. The bartender takes one look at them and says, "What is this, a joke??"
-
That one's so old, when I first heard it, the Dead Sea was only sick.
Oooh, that's a new one for me - I like it! :)
A priest, a rabbi, and an imam walk into a bar. The bartender takes one look at them and says, "What is this, a joke??"
:wakka:
-
Psamtik about that one made me groan.
-
What's with all the FreeSpace puns, guys? I want jokes, not puns! For Pete's Setekh! :D
-
The faustius reply yet. Charybdis could go on a while tey.
-
Daunte you want more Freespace puns? ;7
-
Ooh, Freespace puns, this thread is cool now.
Or maybe it is a Colossus mistake.
-
Cordova here and say that. Iota knossos you out.
-
Why is this thread stickied?
-
Why is this thread stickied?
To get to the other side!
-
Because good jokes stick.
I'll get my coat.
-
I thought up a new one last night:
When Chuck Norris speaks, even Helen Keller pays attention!
-
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
-
sorry for lack of capps but i insanebaron am officially the first member of hlp ever to post while skydiv
-
RIP in piss, brother.
What's white and goes all over you when its wielder is ready?
A Shivan beam cannon.
A dyslexic Italian has trouble believing in the gode of Venice.
Did you know Schrodinger was a terrible lover? You could never tell if it was in or not, you just had to work it out both ways.
-
I believe we should have unisex bathrooms so women can stand up for their rights and men can sit down for theirs.
-
Hades jokes are getting cheesier.
-
You know what murderers all have in common?
...They've got killer personalities
YEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I was on the debate team in Highschool...
...it was arguably the best part of it
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
They say my puns are like eggs...
...they're over easy
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I visited a church the other day...
...it looked pretty sinful
YEAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I once had a fantasy about an Orc
Not long ago I went to a Barbershop...
...it was a hairy situation
YEAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Whenever Kevin Spacey plays in a movie...
...he's always the star
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
People keep saying my puns are pretty ****ty...
...I tell them yeah, they keep coming out of my ass
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
-
Are Vasudans best race? Of course you Bakha!
-
Are Vasudans best race? Of course you Bakha!
What you did there, I've been waiting for it for ages :P
-
Imotehp away. This jokes too dangerous.
-
You know, most employees get nice turkeys or hams or fresh-baked goods or whatever from their companies as holiday gifts.
Me? Oh no no no that's too much!
So what do I get?
A Freakin' FoodStamp. Merry Christmas from Comcast.
-
"A one-year subscription to the Jelly of the Month Club."
"Clark that's the gift that keeps on givin' the whole year long!"
-
Ptah-dah! Best gift ever.
-
Did you hear about the fella who's whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
-
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
-
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
:rolleyes: Osiris-ly?
;)
-
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
It actually made me laugh. :)
-
What do you call a cross between a Windows operating system and an automobile?
A crash just waiting to happen.
-
What do you call someone raging in all caps? A shiftstorm.
The angry nationalist fights with furor.
-
Why did the pig leave the costume party?
Because everyone thought he was a boar.
-
I asked someone Goober's joke. I got an immediate answer: toffee. Good answer.
-
A Christian, a Muslim and a Jew were talking about their Buddhist friend who had died. They talked and talked and ended up asking each other: "When you die, just as they put your body in the ground, what would you like to be said?"
The Christian said, "I would like people to say that I was a good Christian and a good family man."
The Muslim said, "I would like people to say that I was a good Muslim and that I made pilgrimages to Mecca."
The Jew said, "I would like people to say, 'Look - he's moving!' "
-
[DISCLAIMER: I heard this one from an actual Jew; don't flame the messenger please ;) ]
A Protestant preacher, a Catholic priest and a Jewish rabbi are discussing the how they distribute the donations received during ceremonies. Part of the proceeds are to go to their respective beliefs (good causes and what have you), but they can keep a reasonable amount as their own wage.
The preacher: "To divide the money, I draw a circle on the ground, stand inside it, and throw the money in the air; what lands inside the circle is for myself, what lands outside is for God."
The priest: "We Catholics use a pretty similar method actually. I draw a line on the ground, stand over it, and throw the money in the air; the money that lands on one side is for God, what lands on the other side is for me."
The rabbi: "Hmm, we too do a very similar thing: I throw the money into the air, and what the good Jahweh doesn't snatch up in mid-air is for me!"
-
Yep, I've heard that one... "What God wants, He keeps!". :)
Along the same lines... Do you know how copper wire was invented?
Two Jews fighting over a penny.
-
I thought it was Threepios pubes.
-
Heard this earlier today. A slightly mature one but did make me chuckle;
"Ignore all this rubbish about condoms meaning safe sex. My friend wore one when he had sex with a woman recently; her husband still managed to kill him."
-
What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One's a scum-sucking bottom dweller. The other's a fish.
-
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
-
I broke my leg in two places, the doctor told me to stop going to those places.
So what do you call a lefty with a hook for a hand?
Southclaw
What is a sorcerers least favorite disease?
A Staff Infection
-
Three Lawyers and three Farmers get on a train. The lawyers buy three tickets (for the three of them), but the three farmers only buy one ticket between them.
The lawyers ask the farmers, "How are all three of you going to ride the train with just one ticket?
The farmers say, "Wait and see."
They board the train. While the lawyers take their seats, the farmers all squeeze into the train's restroom. The conductor comes by and collects the tickets from the lawyers. Then he taps the restroom door and says, "Tickets please!" A hand reaches out and hands him a ticket.
"Ingenious!" says the first lawyer.
"Brilliant!" says the second lawyer.
"Our turn!" says the third lawyer.
At the next stop, both the farmers and the lawyers have to change trains and get new tickets. The lawyers buy one ticket for the three of them. The farmers... wait for it... buy no tickets at all.
The lawyers ask, "How are you going to ride the train with no tickets?"
The farmers answer, "Wait and see."
The farmers take their seats on the train, while the lawyers squeeze into the restroom.
As soon as the coast is clear, the first farmer gets up, walks to the back of the train, and knocks on the restroom door. "Tickets please!"
-
Dyslexic walks into a bra
-
An agnostic dyslexic sits awake all night wondering if there's a dog.
:rimshot:
EDIT: Scotty, what happened to that rimshot smiley?
-
A priest walks into a lab as a maser.
-
You know what burns and isn't really all that funny?
Syphilis
-
What's green and eats nuts?
Syphilis
-
How many Interplay execs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None: They haven't done anything with the light bulb in over 10 years!
-
For those who know a little bit of the history of the USSR:
Stalin, Khrushchev, Brezhnev, and Gorbachev are riding a train. Suddenly the train stops. The four General Secretaries wait, but nothing happens; the train won't start.
Stalin stands up and says, "Comrades, I will solve this problem!" He goes to the front of the train and shoots the engineer. Stalin returns to the traincar, but the train still won't start.
Khrushchev stands up and says, "Comrades, I will solve this problem!" He goes to the front of the train and hires a new engineer, offering to pay him five times the salary of the old one. But when he returns to the traincar, the train still hasn't started.
Brezhnev stand up and says, "Comrades, I will solve this problem!" He closes all the curtains on the traincar windows and says, "And now, Comrades, we will sit down and pretend the train is moving!"
Gorbachev, exasperated, stands up and says, "Comrades! I will solve this problem!" He goes to the front of the traincar, and returns a minute later. "Comrades! I have discovered the problem: There are no train tracks ahead of us! Let us tear up the tracks behind us and put them in front of the train so that we can continue our journey!"
So the four of them get out and pull up the rails behind the train, and put them in front. But by the time they have finished, they cannot continue the journey, because Yeltsin stole the train!
-
For those who know a little bit of the history of the USSR:
Stalin, Khrushchev, Brezhnev, and Gorbachev are riding a train. Suddenly the train stops. The four General Secretaries wait, but nothing happens; the train won't start.
Stalin stands up and says, "Comrades, I will solve this problem!" He goes to the front of the train and shoots the engineer. Stalin returns to the traincar, but the train still won't start.
Khrushchev stands up and says, "Comrades, I will solve this problem!" He goes to the front of the train and hires a new engineer, offering to pay him five times the salary of the old one. But when he returns to the traincar, the train still hasn't started.
Brezhnev stand up and says, "Comrades, I will solve this problem!" He closes all the curtains on the traincar windows and says, "And now, Comrades, we will sit down and pretend the train is moving!"
Gorbachev, exasperated, stands up and says, "Comrades! I will solve this problem!" He goes to the front of the traincar, and returns a minute later. "Comrades! I have discovered the problem: There are no train tracks ahead of us! Let us tear up the tracks behind us and put them in front of the train so that we can continue our journey!"
So the four of them get out and pull up the rails behind the train, and put them in front. But by the time they have finished, they cannot continue the journey, because Yeltsin stole the train!
Hehe historic humor, I like it :)
-
Anubis would make me cringe.
-
*Russian historic joke*
One of the...most interesting ones i heard(or read) recently.BTW Stalin's tactic is the best one. :D
-
Don't forget how in the end, Putin comes by in a train consisting of a single wagon pulled by a small handcar (staffed by three rail inspectors and one engineer who's doing all the pumping) and invites them all in. :)
-
Gorbachev himself once told this joke on a TV show I watched. I'm paraphrasing of course.
Two Russian men were waiting in a queue for bread in Moscow. It's really cold and eventually after an hour one of the guys explaims "That's it! I've had enough! I'm off to the Kremlin to kill Gorbachev!"
With that he steps out of line and walks away. The other guy keeps waiting and after 2 hours or so his friend comes back and rejoins the queue.
"I thought you were going to the Kremlin to kill Gorbachev?"
"I went. I came back cause there was a longer queue there!"
-
Isaac Newton walks into a bar, it pushes back with one newton.
-
Isaac Newton walks into a bar, it pushes back with one newton.
Heh heh heh
-
Gorbachev himself once told this joke on a TV show I watched. I'm paraphrasing of course.
Two Russian men were waiting in a queue for bread in Moscow. It's really cold and eventually after an hour one of the guys explaims "That's it! I've had enough! I'm off to the Kremlin to kill Gorbachev!"
With that he steps out of line and walks away. The other guy keeps waiting and after 2 hours or so his friend comes back and rejoins the queue.
"I thought you were going to the Kremlin to kill Gorbachev?"
"I went. I came back cause there was a longer queue there!"
:lol: That sounds positively Reaganesque!
-
Well, while we're on the topic of Russia jokes...
First Soviet Worker: "Why do soviet policemen travel in threes?"
Second Soviet Worker: "One to write, one to read, and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals."
Three policemen burst into the scene.
First policeman: What did you say?!? Present your IDs!" *turns to second policeman* "You! Take down their names!"
-
This one was told me by a Spanish immigrant I know; not sure if he made it up himself after experiencing America or if he read it somewhere.
In the best parts of America...
The police are British,
The cooks are French,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
And it's all organized by the Swiss.
In the worst parts of America...
The cooks are British,
The mechanics are French,
The police are German,
The lovers are Swiss,
And it's all organized by the Italians.
Apologies to any Brits who like to cook. :P
-
Heard a version of this with heaven and hell. :)
As for the Russians humor:
Primary school, history lesson. The teacher is talking about Russian Civil War.
One boy says "My granddad once met Chapayev, the great hero of the Revolution!".
The teacher is impressed and tells the boy to invite his grandfather to tell them about it.
So, the boy's grandfather comes to the school and tells them the story:
"We were sitting with the boys at the bank of the Ural river. Suddenly, we spotted someone trying to swim across. One of my comrades rises up and shouts 'Hey, it's Chapayev, shoot him, quick!' ". :)
For those who don't know, Chapayev was a popular hero of Soviet propaganda, a movie and of numerous jokes as well. He was most likely shot by the White Army, trying to escape across the Ural river...
-
I posted this one on 9Gag a while back where it was completely ignored. I suspect that people here will appreciate it more.
I managed to get out of the friendzone so I wanted to tell people how to do it.
There was this girl I really liked when I was young. She was older than me, so at the time she just saw me as a little kid. There was no way she could ever think of me as boyfriend material.
Years later I met her again because of my job. She still thought of me as a friend. I guess she couldn't see past her memories of me as a bratty kid. Of course, I was interested in her because she was still super hot.
Luckily my job got me sent on a business trip with her. I really wanted to try to talk her into liking me but I don't have that much experience with girls so everything I said to her came out pretty cheesey. It didn't help that she kept saying that she was really into her career and that she couldn't date me because of that. On the trip we spent a lot of our free time sightseeing together. We did a few romantic things like a picnic and a candlelight dinner together, but it didn't help much. At one point she did kiss me but she pulled away immediately afterwards and acted like it was a big mistake.
Eventually, one night it just got too much. I broke down and told her that I really loved her and would do anything for us to be together. She just told me again that her job was more important.
But in the end I did manage to get her to marry me. Want to know what I did?
All I had to do was kill a bunch of Tusken Raiders and try to rescue Obi-Wan Kenobi.
-
Heard a version of this with heaven and hell. :)
As for the Russians humor:
Primary school, history lesson. The teacher is talking about Russian Civil War.
One boy says "My granddad once met Chapayev, the great hero of the Revolution!".
The teacher is impressed and tells the boy to invite his grandfather to tell them about it.
So, the boy's grandfather comes to the school and tells them the story:
"We were sitting with the boys at the bank of the Ural river. Suddenly, we spotted someone trying to swim across. One of my comrades rises up and shouts 'Hey, it's Chapayev, shoot him, quick!' ". :)
For those who don't know, Chapayev was a popular hero of Soviet propaganda, a movie and of numerous jokes as well. He was most likely shot by the White Army, trying to escape across the Ural river...
:wakka:
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karajorma, I'm ashamed that I didn't see that coming. Well done :D
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How do you tell if a kid is a Star Wars fan?
"Hey, kid, count to ten!"
"Uh... four five six... uh... one two three... uh... seven eight nine..."
:rimshot:
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In the spirit of comradeship..
Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.
At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Sasha puts her hand up and says "I have two questions" "Why did the Russians take Crimea? And Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?" Putin says "Good questions" But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to Lunch.
When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says "I have Four questions"
"My Questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? And Where is Sasha?"
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Putin has to travel to Ukraine for an important conference. At the airport he still as to pass through immigration. The official asks him a few standard questions on the way in.
"How long will you be staying in the country?"
"Five Days" Putin answers.
"Occupation?"
"No, I'm just visiting"
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Seen that kind of joke before with different leaders but it's still amusing :lol:
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Yeah. Though it's less plausible than with an anglophone leader, because the pun doesn't quite work in Russian.
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A man owns a small bar. One of his most faithful customers is an eye doctor who comes at eight every evening and orders a hazelnut daiquiri.
One day, at seven, the bartender realizes he's out of hazelnuts. "What am I going to do?" He asks. "My friend will be here soon, and I can't make his hazelnut daiquiri!"
So he checks his stock, and finds he has plenty of hickory nuts.
So when the eye doctor arrives, the bartender mixes him up a daiquiri out of hickory nuts. The eye doctor immediately tastes the difference. "Hey, this isn't a hazelnut daiquiri."
The bartender answers, "No. It's a Hickory Daiquiri, Doc."
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Hey, so how does a Linux programmed get high?
Cron job
====
Boo that joke was bad and I should feel bad.
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sin(-x)=sin(x)
Why is this equation false?
Because sin doesn't even...
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...
Everybody is Russian to these puns. They Putin all the effort on the build up, but Stalin on the punchline.
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Very timely in my case :ick:
(http://college.wfu.edu/writingcenter/wp-content/uploads/8d04acae13e70c35c1fda76cee1c2591.jpg)
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I have jokes to for revision.
A Physicist, an Engineer and a Statistician are out hunting. They are walking through the woods when they spot a deer.
The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet and fires. He misses the deer by 5 feet to the left.
The engineer rolls his eyes and says "You forgot to account for wind". He snatches the rifle, estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires. He misses the deer 5 feet to the right.
Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"
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Assigning a numerical value to each letter (where a is 1, b is 2, c is 3, etc.)
M+A+T+H equals?
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Assigning a numerical value to each letter (where a is 1, b is 2, c is 3, etc.)
M+A+T+H equals?
What do you get if you multiply six by nine?
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Don't let permissions get between you and your code! Just sudo it!
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I feel like 2015 should close with a terrible joke.
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt. His adoptive parents name him Amal. The other goes to Spain, and that one's adoptive parents name him Juan.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
He shrugs and says, "They're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal!"
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Obama.
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A Jewish man decides to send his son to Israel as a present for his 21st birthday. When he comes back his son says that he had a great time but he's decided to convert to Christianity. The father is upset and goes to talk to his friend.
"Funny you should say that" says that the friend. "I also sent my son to Israel and he also converted to Christianity."
The two men decide to see their rabbi about the problem. They talk to him and explain that both their sons converted and he says
"Funny you should say that, I sent my son to Israel and he also converted to Christianity. I think we should all pray to the Lord for guidance."
So the men all pray together. After a few minutes of silence, they hear a voice from on high.
"Funny you should say that, I sent my son to Israel......"
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Which of Santa's reindeer do dinosaurs like the least?
Comet.
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The below is a terrible pun, I hope the formatting retains the nuance correctly, with good delivery it tends to take a few tries before people get it.
There are thirty cows and twenty eight ate chickens. How many didn't?
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Wana hear a joke about Potassium?
K.
How about Sodium joke?
Na.
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What do you call an orc who studies ancient cultures through material remains?
An... Orchaeologist!
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What's the difference between a traffic jam and Congress?
...
Absolutely nothing.
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True love - this is when I washed the cat, but he still came to you. :D
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The greatest joke in all of sci-fi (1:30 minutes )
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That's not even the best joke in that episode!
Rimmer's attempt at art appraisal is funnier.
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Best red dwarf joke....
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hahaha
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My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank.
She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.
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I genuinely like this one :lol:
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What do you call it when a banana eats another banana?
canabananalism
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A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”
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I ordered some fencing material and it came in the post.
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Ahhhh I see what you did there...
I was in a home improvement store, the garden section and a member of staff asked "do you want decking?" I thought I'd better get in first so dropped him with a haymaker.
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Ahhhh I see what you did there...
I was in a home improvement store, the garden section and a member of staff asked "do you want decking?" I thought I'd better get in first so dropped him with a haymaker.
That could be a sign you're approaching the great a tractor 🚜