[Madrox]

This is suposed to be a backstory of a campaign i intendd to do as soon i master FREDing.

Prologue: The Last Fleet

Commander Anders Kelp audiolog #278

Today is a great day, The war finally ended yesterday when the Shivans were holded 2 weeks ago in the Capella System, we don´t know yet what they were trying to do by destroying Capella or what Aken Bosch was trying to do alongside the Shivans, by any strategic point of view, the should have used all these damned Sathanas to raze all the GTVA systems and we would be able to do little to nothing to stop them, but their tactics are as inscrutable as their origins or purpose maybe we will never kow what happened for sure. Me? im just happy that i, my 3000 crew survived all this and the GTCv Heimdall survived all this.Maybe it was because we did a few dangerous missions in comparison the some of the other ships. Its nothing to be proud, nothing remarkable, like that, just by luck, we survived.

Commander Anders Kelp audiolog #282

The war really had hit hard on the GTVA resources and not so surprisingly, the morale. billions died at Capella, the billions we couldn´t evacuate, the death toll names and numbers was not oficialy released yet, but is obvious it will be massive, only 931 thousand civs and around 33 thousand military personel where evacuated sucessfully from there, it s a low number, too low for the most of us who lsot friends and family on there. Me included. I had my confirmation today i had loost almost my entire family, my wife Diana, my two daughters Barbara and Clarice, my mother Brannda, my father Roger, my uncles and aunts, my sister Juliet...the list goes on, my only family left its my talented son and pilot Bruce, he is a better pilot than me on my first years, its funny, i was a coward, so instead of risking my life into a fighter, i just enlisted at the Officer Training and did my rank up to Commander, it was nothing spectacular, im too old to be a Commander, i can pass the impression im pessimistic, but i have a old friend of mine who made to Commodore, and he´s about my age. Well, in the years, my cowardice has passed, but i  discovered a passion in commanding warships, i think its a really nice thing, not very exciting since i did´t battled many times or risked my life or of my crew many times. Myson is actually on the GTD Jommungand acting as squad leader of the 66th Red Beasts, and he´s only 27 years old, he´s one of my very few prouds.

Commander Anders Kelp audiolog #286

Recently i talked about the problems on the GTVA resources, i am not kidding, the will destroy this entire fllet one day, every week i heard about forced retirements of many good oficials, im on my 52 years, i don´t pilot a single fighter since my 21 years old, maybe i will be retired soon too, but i think not, im hoping im still to young to they consider my retirement. I heard about more and more ships being retired and scraped for resources too. My GTCv Heimdall for examples, is working with the purely essencial crew. Because my ship is one of the few who have a small hangar bay, i have my little quota of 1 wing of SS and 1 Squad of bombers, not much, i would sucrely lose a battle with most Shivan ships, but that´s not really a concern since they are trapped in Capella, i hope.

Commander Anders Kelp audiolog #287

The situation isn´t too good to the Colonies too, we have basic supplies at the limit of self-sufficiency, many industries and farm-planets were lost at Capella. I heard rumours about a increasing number of people planning insurgency, the insatisfactions is crescent and the crime is on a rise. The thousands of refugees of Capella are at camps on diverse planets around the Systems, most significantly on Vasuda Prime were the Vasudans received the major part of them on a nice place of theirs until they can make a fixed home on the colonial planets. It will take time, since its huge endeavour of fitting existing colonies and terraform process aroud the systems were haulted since the NTF Rebellion had cut the suppy lines of materials and technologies essential to terraforming, the government say it will be continued as soon as the situation normalize, what can take some years.

Commander Anders Kelp audiolog #575

2 years have passed since we haulted the Shivans, Today i received orders to command of the GTD Metatron, a Orion mk II class destroyer stationed at Deneb to deal with the Deneb 3 Refugees who are  on the verge of a rebellion. As much as liked my old Heimdall, it was ordered to be reffited to be a OpEval with defensive capabilities, why they took a Corvette its a mystery i don´t know. But this new ship is a really beautiful and powerful ship, they really did a awesome job to upgrade the old Orion class ships, its half of the size of the long-gone Collossus, with 3/4 of its fire power, these engineers really did some awesome tech improvements over these last 2 years, im impressed. Again another mystery hits me, why would they gave me, a below-averange warship commander, the control of a ship that powerful?

Commander Anders Kelp audiolog 580

I heard some terrifying rumors about some unidentified ships jumpingout of the locations of the destroyed Capella Node, and jumping again to a unknown locations they could not track, the swear its not the first  time. The fleet command isn´t concerned about these warnings at all,  all indicates that is some fear-fueled delusion of the crew of the Sations who´s been seeing these strange ships. My mind says thats righ and i should not be concerned too, my guts says i should be worried about it, i do not know who i believe.

Commander Anders Kelp audiolog #585

The rumors about these guys jumping out  Polaris is increasing, its disturbing indeed, its been almost 2 weeks  since its all began, the GTVA seems to be more concerned about the Refugee Question on Deneb 3 than investigating these incidents, it only send out the GTCv Sky to patrol the area. If the Shivans or a new race begins a invasion from  there, or worse, from other locations, it would be a disaster and many more would die than Capella, its a terrifying thought. Ah! Today i received a new videomessage from my son at the Aquitaine, he says he fighted some pirates at Polaris, he said he heard about the incidents, but he thinks its some kind of general delusion of the people of this Station who saw this. I can´t deny this possibility, but i don´t know, my guts says i sould take care with this one.

Commander Anders Kelp audiolog #590

I...i have no word to describe what happenned on the last hours. They weren´t even able to hold off the unkown ships sulficiently to save Polaris II, the information i received are scarce, i tried to communicate with my son for the last hours with no sucess, i was right, there is a invasion going on. I received orders from Command to go to Polaris evacuate as many as i can from Polaris Prime, escort another escort ships and destroy targets of opportunity. This is crazy, we should concentrate the fleet on few points and hold off as mucyh as we can to PERMIT the civillian ships to evacuate, but orders are orders and i must...comply. may my old coward habit has been back...

Ending of the audiologs register.


Well, from now on the campaign will go on, it will be a epic inspired on the narrative style and story of Battlestar Gallactica, i plan it to be even bigger than the Freespace 2 retail campaign, with new ships, races, stories...im really excited about it.

I have to make some notes about it.
Firstly, this is one of my firsts stories im writing in english, since im from Brazil, this is not my native language and i learned english on self-taught basis and my grammar are not the best even on my natural language, so be patient and try to help me with the revision of the text.
Secondly, i have to say this campaign will take long even to begin, because im still learning the FREDing, if anyone interests in help me i will gladly accept any help with this, so, just say in this topic if you want to participate in this endeavor, the most pressing people i need are writers and people who are really familiar with the english to help me with grammars.
Thirdly, give me some feedback on this guys, im no professional writters and i have many flaws with this kind of thing, sugestions, opinions, constructive criticism are aways welcomed.


Finaly, thank you guys for maintaining this awesome game community and game itself alive, i ahd MANY ideas reading and playing all you guys did, thanks.

edit: It was the prologue, not the chapter 1. xD
edit²:I corrected the log numbers. blame the copy-paste. D:
Total revision 1: I did a revision of the story, i gave Anders a new "im not a hero" personality, changed the circustances of hsi son, explained some situations betters, changed somethings. it snot perfect, i know, but its the best i can do for now, as soon as i collect more info on the military knowledge i willl do more updates. if you have opinions and sugestions, just say so, im here to hear.

[The E]

Commander Anders Kelp audiolog #278

Today i was promoted by Admiral Petrarch himself to Commander because of my services on the NTF Rebellion and my actions as pilot on the recent events of Capella and on the defeat of the NTF Rebellion.I  received command of the GTCv Heimdall. I spent all night celebrating with  the pilots of 25th° Black Panthers on the main bar. The war finally ended yesterday when the Shivans were holded 2 weeks ago in the Capella System, we don´t know yet what they were trying to do by destroying Capella or what Aken Bosch was trying to do alongside the Shivans, by any strategic point of view, the should have used all these damned Sathanas to raze all the GTVA systems and we would be able to do little to nothing to stop them, but their tactics are as inescrutable as their origins or purpose maybe we will never kow what happened for sure.

Several questions here. Why is a fighter pilot promoted and given command of a Corvette? In RL militaries, pilots and ship commanders are vastly different career tracks; while switching tracks is not unheard of, it just doesn't happen anymore (The only exception I know of are american Carrier Group commanders, who are or were promoted from the ranks of the pilots, the reason being that as pilots, they are more at home with the intricacies of the carrier's main weapon system). Consider: An Officer in charge of a fighter squadron is directly responsible for a dozen pilots, and indirectly responsible for his support crew. An Officer commanding a Corvette can be expected to hold command over a thousand people (While we do not have canon crew numbers, this number can be easily derived from the known number of 10000 crew members on board a GTD Orion). Furthermore, a Corvette requires a very different skillset to command effectively than a fighter.

When the rebellion started, he tried to defect to the GTVA, but he was imprisioned at the NTF prison ship Cementia, waiting judgement by Bosch himslef, happily he was able to make a huge prison break and took control of the ship, saving 4410 political prisioners, pilots who tried to do the same as him and true criminals, after the recovery by GTVA Forces, most of the criminals received amnesty, only those who commited murder, rape and torture was imprisioned again and received fair trial. My son was regarded as a hero and was promoted to Liutenant and received the Liberation Insignia, i was very proud of him and he´s actually serving at the famous GTD Aquitaine as squad leader of the 99th Beasts.

That's a pretty big leap, isn't it? Consider: This person first defected to the NTF, then defected again back to the GTVA, and now he's a squadron leader on one of the GTVA's flagships, all in the space of a couple months? I know the situation is desperate for the GTVA, but there are limits to how much trust you can place in someone whose loyalties are this flexible.

Commander Anders Kelp audiolog #282

Recently i talked about the problems on the GTVA resources, i am not kidding, the will destroy this entire fllet one day, every week i heard about forced retirements of many good oficials, im on my 52 years, i don´t pilot a single fighter since the end of the last Shivan War, maybe i will be retired soon too, but i think not, i was recently promoted (1 month ago) to be so sundenly retired. I heard about more and more ships being retired and scraped for resources too. My GTCv Heimdall for examples, is working with the purely essencial crew and only 3 wings of SS and 1 wing of Bombers, ideally we should have 1 to 3 wings of each type of fighter. If the Shivans attacked me now, i would be almost defenseless, its a terrifying tought.

So hang on, this guy was piloting fighters in his fifties before Capella? And he only made it to Lieutenant Commander? He was flying to close to 30 years, and then he gets promoted to Capital Ship command? In reality, people like that would be posted to training establishments.

Also, there are no Corvettes with fighterbays during the Capella time period.

Commander Anders Kelp audiolog #575

2 years have passed since we haulted the Shivans and defeated the NTF, Today i received the command of the GTD Metatron, a Orion mk II class destroyer, as much as liked my old Heimdall, it was ordered to be reffited to be a research facility with defensive capabilities, why they took a Corvette its a mystery i don´t know, but on the other hand, all the crew, including the Black Panthers were transferred to this new baby,its a upgrade to the old Orion, with 2 extra hangars bays, 16 new turrets, beams and missile launchers, its not a Colossus, but its almost there, its half of its size. Changing topics, i heard rumors about warships of a unknown force being sighted jumping of the location of the old Capella node at Polaris and jumping again to an unknown destiny, as much as i think its impossible to the Shivans to make this kind of excursion, i can´t stop thinking about the possibility of them or maybe even a  new race to have developed a new way to make FTL travels, if thats true, it could be our end. Maybe i should just eat something, i don´t like to think about it.

Here I will have to take some time out of my critique of content to speak about the language. I suspect that english is not your native language; and that you're not used to writing short-form fiction like this. Run-on sentences like the first one are incredibly hard to follow, it is always better to chop a sentence like that up into bite-sized chunks. I would also recommend that you start reading some fiction in english, to get a better feel for the language and how it is used.



In closing, your ideas do show promise, albeit being hampered by your language skills. I would strongly recommend that you go out and read a couple of military SF books in the original language, this will (hopefully) give you a grounding in how military people speak and act.

[Madrox]

Damn!
You really gave a great feedback.
well, here´s the anwser:

Several questions here. Why is a fighter pilot promoted and given command of a Corvette? In RL militaries, pilots and ship commanders are vastly different career tracks; while switching tracks is not unheard of, it just doesn't happen anymore (The only exception I know of are american Carrier Group commanders, who are or were promoted from the ranks of the pilots, the reason being that as pilots, they are more at home with the intricacies of the carrier's main weapon system). Consider: An Officer in charge of a fighter squadron is directly responsible for a dozen pilots, and indirectly responsible for his support crew. An Officer commanding a Corvette can be expected to hold command over a thousand people (While we do not have canon crew numbers, this number can be easily derived from the known number of 10000 crew members on board a GTD Orion). Furthermore, a Corvette requires a very different skillset to command effectively than a fighter.

You´re right, maybe my lack of knowledge on how the RL Military works made me do this. D:
Well, maybe i cna change this part a bit, maybe a request to change his role on the fleet, is it possible? even with some training?

That's a pretty big leap, isn't it? Consider: This person first defected to the NTF, then defected again back to the GTVA, and now he's a squadron leader on one of the GTVA's flagships, all in the space of a couple months? I know the situation is desperate for the GTVA, but there are limits to how much trust you can place in someone whose loyalties are this flexible.

Well, Let me explain, e was at the 6th fleet at the time of the Rebellion, this made him automaticaly a pilot for the NTF, its a similar situation to the end of Blue Planet AoA /Spoiler when  Commander Bei defects to the UEF due his discordance of GTVA actions atacking the Earth /Spoiler. He did not liked the way the 6th fleet was directed and tried to "defect" to the GTVA were his loyalties were. But the part of being assigned to the Aquitaine was a award for his loyalty to the GTVA and heroic escape from the NTF prison ship.

o hang on, this guy was piloting fighters in his fifties before Capella? And he only made it to Lieutenant Commander? He was flying to close to 30 years, and then he gets promoted to Capital Ship command? In reality, people like that would be posted to training establishments.

Also, there are no Corvettes with fighterbays during the Capella time period.

Humm, good to know, i am really obnoxious to this kind of thing, i did research a lot on Freespace 2 universe and forgot to research on how work a RL military. im really stupid. D:

I didn´t know about this fact about the Capella period. how do you know? where did you read it?

Here I will have to take some time out of my critique of content to speak about the language. I suspect that english is not your native language; and that you're not used to writing short-form fiction like this. Run-on sentences like the first one are incredibly hard to follow, it is always better to chop a sentence like that up into bite-sized chunks. I would also recommend that you start reading some fiction in english, to get a better feel for the language and how it is used.

I did said english isn´t my native language on the notes, so yes, im not used in writting on this language.
What make you think im not used to writting like this? Its the repetitions of terms? the speed of the narrative? story structure? development? please, be more especific.

In closing, your ideas do show promise, albeit being hampered by your language skills. I would strongly recommend that you go out and read a couple of military SF books in the original language, this will (hopefully) give you a grounding in how military people speak and act.

Do you have any sugestions where i should begin?

Thank you very much about this cosntructive criticism and the patience to help me, im really shocked on how many errors i commited. Well, i will do my research in paralel of my FREDing pratice.

I will make corrections on what you said as soon as i get a complete ideia on what i should do, somethionngs are dependent on others when you talk about narratives like this, i will wait a anwser or some more feeedback.

[Dilmah G]

Changing tracks *can* occur, but I'd imagine they would be at the service's discretion. Meaning that they'd have a damn good reason to pluck an experienced operator and have him start from the bottom of another career within the service, which brings me to the second thing that I wanted to say, which is that if you start in another career track, you'll start from Ensign again. I've read something about being able to change job and keep your rank but lose seniority (the military term for your time in rank, so if a Captain for 4 years retreads to become a Navigator he'll be considered a Captain but with 0 years in rank) but I know in the Australian Army at least that this is not the case.

Just something to keep in mind.

[Madrox]

Changing tracks *can* occur, but I'd imagine they would be at the service's discretion. Meaning that they'd have a damn good reason to pluck an experienced operator and have him start from the bottom of another career within the service, which brings me to the second thing that I wanted to say, which is that if you start in another career track, you'll start from Ensign again. I've read something about being able to change job and keep your rank but lose seniority (the military term for your time in rank, so if a Captain for 4 years retreads to become a Navigator he'll be considered a Captain but with 0 years in rank) but I know in the Australian Army at least that this is not the case.

Just something to keep in mind.

SO you´re saying that a pilot cannot change its role without losing its ranking? wait a minute, he as a squad-leader who was promoter to the commander of a ship, but he´s just a ensign? hummm...maybe i should change this aspect of the story. maybe he being the commander in the NTF rebellion...any sugestions?

[Dilmah G]

Kind of, man.

Basically, ship's captains come from a track that is basically known around the world as 'Maritime Warfare', and so captains are senior Maritime Warfare Officers. Pilots come from the Aviation branch and squadron commanders are senior ranked pilots.

If Naval Officers change roles, they start from the bottom of the role they change into. So if a senior pilot changed to MW, they'd start as an Ensign and would not be in charge of a ship - MW Ensigns typically run a vessel's Operations Room.

Pilots don't get promoted to commanding vessels, they are two different career tracks. Squadron Commanders get promoted to commanding a vessel's Air Wing, that is, being in charge of all the squadrons on-board a particular vessel. After that they may get placed in charge of all the wings in a fleet and it goes on from there. Alternatively, they may get rotated to another job within aviation entirely, someone like NGTM-1R would probably know this in more depth.

Feel free to do whatever works for your story; hope it goes well for you.

[Madrox]

Kind of, man.

Basically, ship's captains come from a track that is basically known around the world as 'Maritime Warfare', and so captains are senior Maritime Warfare Officers. Pilots come from the Aviation branch and squadron commanders are senior ranked pilots.

If Naval Officers change roles, they start from the bottom of the role they change into. So if a senior pilot changed to MW, they'd start as an Ensign and would not be in charge of a ship - MW Ensigns typically run a vessel's Operations Room.

Pilots don't get promoted to commanding vessels, they are two different career tracks. Squadron Commanders get promoted to commanding a vessel's Air Wing, that is, being in charge of all the squadrons on-board a particular vessel. After that they may get placed in charge of all the wings in a fleet and it goes on from there. Alternatively, they may get rotated to another job within aviation entirely, someone like NGTM-1R would probably know this in more depth.

Feel free to do whatever works for your story; hope it goes well for you.

Too many leaks... ç_ç

I will try to fix this. He was originally supposed to be a Commander Adama-ish type of character, but my aproach was wrong. I fear people will loose interest in my story if i keep changing details like that, but it seems its a important thing to do after all...D:

Thank you, if you have anything more to add to you feedback or have some suggestions, please, post it.

obs: who´s NGTM-1R?

[Dilmah G]

I really applaud your attitude to criticism mate! But that said, I see now what you were trying to get at. NGTM-1R is a member of this site who has a rather in-depth knowledge of Naval Affairs, among other things. I'd advise you to send a PM to him if you want some clarification on how a Pilot to Vessel Command process would work if you don't get a comprehensive one in this thread and you're still after one.

Do whatever you feel necessary for your story, and remember, if you make up some bull**** that sounds legitimate, very few people will bat an eyelid to things that would never occur in a real military. Except for a handful of us, of course. But don't worry about us.

I don't have anything else to add as I only caught that detail on a skim-read. I'm studying for my mid-sems at the moment but I'll hopefully see this again afterward and give you any feedback I have. I trust The E would've covered all the key points. Once again, all the best for your story.

[Madrox]

I really applaud your attitude to criticism mate! But that said, I see now what you were trying to get at. NGTM-1R is a member of this site who has a rather in-depth knowledge of Naval Affairs, among other things. I'd advise you to send a PM to him if you want some clarification on how a Pilot to Vessel Command process would work if you don't get a comprehensive one in this thread and you're still after one.

Do whatever you feel necessary for your story, and remember, if you make up some bull**** that sounds legitimate, very few people will bat an eyelid to things that would never occur in a real military. Except for a handful of us, of course. But don't worry about us.

I don't have anything else to add as I only caught that detail on a skim-read. I'm studying for my mid-sems at the moment but I'll hopefully see this again afterward and give you any feedback I have. I trust The E would've covered all the key points. Once again, all the best for your story.

I will do as you say, thank you anyway.
and good luck with your studies.
=)

[Colonol Dekker]

Bosch started as a Pilot, you can make Admiral in Canon too

[The E]

Well, Let me explain, e was at the 6th fleet at the time of the Rebellion, this made him automaticaly a pilot for the NTF, its a similar situation to the end of Blue Planet AoA /Spoiler when  Commander Bei defects to the UEF due his discordance of GTVA actions atacking the Earth /Spoiler. He did not liked the way the 6th fleet was directed and tried to "defect" to the GTVA were his loyalties were. But the part of being assigned to the Aquitaine was a award for his loyalty to the GTVA and heroic escape from the NTF prison ship.

This implies basic stupidity on the part of Bosch, and this characters immediate superiors prior to the NTF rebellion. The problem is, if you were to stage a coup like this, it would not be in your best interest to incarcerate the people willing to leave; you would either make sure that they weren't around when the rebellion goes off, or packed into a transport and sent on their way pretty soon. Keeping prisoners is expensive; as such you don't want to start a war with lots of them.

I didn´t know about this fact about the Capella period. how do you know? where did you read it?

This is inference from what we've seen in FS2. There are no on-screen appearances of Corvette-class vessels with fighterbays, and no mentions of them in briefings. So, while not exactly canon, it's certainly a valid conclusion drawn from canon materials.

What make you think im not used to writting like this? Its the repetitions of terms? the speed of the narrative? story structure? development? please, be more especific.

Sentence structure, most of all. Your writing is very much stream-of-cosciousness; a mode that can work but doesn't in this case. Consider the mindset of the person making these logs, he's a career military officer in command of a capital ship. People like that do not make statements like

"2 years have passed since we haulted the Shivans and defeated the NTF, Today i received the command of the GTD Metatron, a Orion mk II class destroyer, as much as liked my old Heimdall, it was ordered to be reffited to be a research facility with defensive capabilities, why they took a Corvette its a mystery i don´t know, but on the other hand, all the crew, including the Black Panthers were transferred to this new baby,its a upgrade to the old Orion, with 2 extra hangars bays, 16 new turrets, beams and missile launchers, its not a Colossus, but its almost there, its half of its size."

This is a single sentence, and it covers 6 plot points. Those should be separated. Like this:

"Two years have passed since the Shivans blew up Capella. Today I received orders commanding me to take over the GTD Metatron, one of the new Orion Mk 2 ships. My old ship, the GTCv Heimdall, was recommissioned as an OpEval vessel; apparently they plan to strip her of most of the offensive armament in favour of some research facilities. Why they took her, I don't know, but luckily, most of her crew will be following me to serve on the Metatron. Regarding the Metatron, I am really impressed by what they were able to pull off with this upgrade; two additional hangars and a lot more weapons will make these vessels a force to be reckoned with. Packing almost the same amount of firepower the Collossus wielded into a package barely half the size must have required some major miracles."

The changes here are: 1. Sentences. 2. I removed references to the NTF because against the second Incursion, the Rebellion was just a sideshow. 3. Language

He was originally supposed to be a Commander Adama-ish type of character, but my aproach was wrong.

Well, in the new BSG, they took the approach the US Navy uses when selecting commanding Officers for Carriers. Those are usually Naval aviators who go through the Navy Staff College to get their Admiral's stars; the reasoning here is that, as aviators, they are familiar with a carrier's main weapon system.
The same is probably true of Destroyer commanders in FreeSpace; but ît should be noted that these positions are staff positions, not line ones. The actual Captain of a carrier is always a normal navy officer, not an aviator.

[Madrox]

This implies basic stupidity on the part of Bosch, and this characters immediate superiors prior to the NTF rebellion. The problem is, if you were to stage a coup like this, it would not be in your best interest to incarcerate the people willing to leave; you would either make sure that they weren't around when the rebellion goes off, or packed into a transport and sent on their way pretty soon. Keeping prisoners is expensive; as such you don't want to start a war with lots of them.

Yea, maybe you´re right about this, i will think about something else.

This is inference from what we've seen in FS2. There are no on-screen appearances of Corvette-class vessels with fighterbays, and no mentions of them in briefings. So, while not exactly canon, it's certainly a valid conclusion drawn from canon materials.

MY backstory isn´t suposed to follow estrictly the  FS2 canon, i gave myself some liebrties at this aspect.

Sentence structure, most of all. Your writing is very much stream-of-cosciousness; a mode that can work but doesn't in this case. Consider the mindset of the person making these logs, he's a career military officer in command of a capital ship. People like that do not make statements like

"2 years have passed since we haulted the Shivans and defeated the NTF, Today i received the command of the GTD Metatron, a Orion mk II class destroyer, as much as liked my old Heimdall, it was ordered to be reffited to be a research facility with defensive capabilities, why they took a Corvette its a mystery i don´t know, but on the other hand, all the crew, including the Black Panthers were transferred to this new baby,its a upgrade to the old Orion, with 2 extra hangars bays, 16 new turrets, beams and missile launchers, its not a Colossus, but its almost there, its half of its size."

This is a single sentence, and it covers 6 plot points. Those should be separated. Like this:

"Two years have passed since the Shivans blew up Capella. Today I received orders commanding me to take over the GTD Metatron, one of the new Orion Mk 2 ships. My old ship, the GTCv Heimdall, was recommissioned as an OpEval vessel; apparently they plan to strip her of most of the offensive armament in favour of some research facilities. Why they took her, I don't know, but luckily, most of her crew will be following me to serve on the Metatron. Regarding the Metatron, I am really impressed by what they were able to pull off with this upgrade; two additional hangars and a lot more weapons will make these vessels a force to be reckoned with. Packing almost the same amount of firepower the Collossus wielded into a package barely half the size must have required some major miracles."

Did i sense a little bit of irony on "Packing almost the same amount of firepower the Collossus wielded into a package barely half the size must have required some major miracles."? Its not want i wanted to say. The Orion mk2 have almost as much firepower to the Colossus having half of its size, it would really require some nice engineering developments from the tech of Capella period. xD

Well, i think i wanted to give a more casual tone to his audiolog, but i think your suggestionsa re good too, i will try work something out today.

About my writing style, im not really familiar with the psycholog and knoledge of a seasoned soldier like him, i will try to do some research on this aspect.

About the NTF reference, its really unnecessary. i will take it out.

Soon i will make some updates.

Ah! and thank you for the help. I really needed them.

[The E]

Did i sense a little bit of irony on "Packing almost the same amount of firepower the Collossus wielded into a package barely half the size must have required some major miracles."?

It was not my intention to be ironic here; while the sentence can be read as such, it was more meant to convey the sense of excitement the character feels when looking at the specs of the vessel. Like "Look what we can do now!" sort of stuff.

[Madrox]

Did i sense a little bit of irony on "Packing almost the same amount of firepower the Collossus wielded into a package barely half the size must have required some major miracles."?

It was not my intention to be ironic here; while the sentence can be read as such, it was more meant to convey the sense of excitement the character feels when looking at the specs of the vessel. Like "Look what we can do now!" sort of stuff.

lol, i understand. xD

[Madrox]

Sorry about the double post, but i had to do it.
The story was totally revised and altered to take in consideration the suggestions, opinions and critisisms.
Please, continue with the feedback.

Anything else is explained in the main post.

thank you.

[crizza]

Only read the part of The E talking about changing career tracks...Sam Bei of Blue Planet was supposed to choose between capship command or continue to coomand strikecrafts...if I'm not mistaken, it wasn't explained why.

[Madrox]

Only read the part of The E talking about changing career tracks...Sam Bei of Blue Planet was supposed to choose between capship command or continue to coomand strikecrafts...if I'm not mistaken, it wasn't explained why.

Seriously? i didn´t read this when i played BP. D:

Well, anyway, try to read the story. it will be basis of my new campaign. =D

[crizza]

For the record: Steele himself was a fighter jockey before taking his first capship command.

[Dilmah G]

Indeed, but he was wounded as an SOC pilot (the action for which he was decorated for in his dossier) and changed tracks, rather than simply being bumped to warship command through a linkage in the fighter and warship tracks. I can't remember whether it specified him being bumped back down to Ensign or not, but being a man of his experience and tremendous aptitude for command, I wouldn't be surprised if he transferred directly over as a Lieutenant or whatever.