If you'd just been fat, you'd've been pathetic.
If you'd just been depressed, you'd've been pathetic.
If you'd just lost your virginity to a hooker, you'd've been slightly pathetic.
If you'd just possibly caught HIV from the hooker, you'd've been amusingly pathetic.
But by being all 4 you've just become my ****ing God.
I think I love you. And I'm not even joking. You've transcended the normal levels of geek horrors where you do stupid **** and people laugh at you, to the kind of level where your life is a bestselling book that becomes a hit movie. You've become a man of myth and legend.
You're the Jack Nicholson of the internet.