Command, incoming jump signature! New member configuration!
Gunnery control, commence plasma core insertion.
Welcome to Hard Light Productions. Exits are located in all directions and at the local jump node, however, all are blocked and the jump drive is suffering a massive malfunction.
Please keep all appendages within the station at all times. In the event that you encounter a gigantic insectoid in the air ducts, this is Carl, our resident Shivan. Give him your lunch and back away slowly. Carry a spare lunch at all times.
Flamethrowers can be found under your seat, but due to Kazan's failure to produce sufficient napalm of late, they have been filled with holy water. Plasma rifles are located in the aft storage lockers, but they are code-locked and can only be accessed by moderators, V, or a hyperintelligent shade of the color blue.
Unless you enjoy pain, do not use the number 3 and the letters Sierra and Foxtrot in the reverse order of that presented. In the event that you fail to comply, you implicitly provide consent for your remains to be given to Carl and devoured. Your head will be donated to the local Vasudan minority.
In the event of a catastrophic hull failure, please board an automated lifeboat to our sister station at Game Warden.
Thank you and enjoy your stay.
...Taristin's going to kill me, isn't he?