Yeah exactly, bottom line: I don't know the words, which is why I need to rap something 150-400 times until I can say it understandably, so my flow was all over the place trying to fit the words in combined with my shortness of breath, which was especially apparent at the end of verse 1. I agree I probably needed to slow down a bit, that's a problem that plagues most new rappers if you look into it, trying to speak too fast resulting in slurred words and shortness of breath, something you'll find a lot if you go to "Rap Battles/Sessions" or simply youtubing it. Not using it as an excuse, it's an issue I personally suffer from in particular which would probably be rectified in this situation by a slower beat/full knowledge of the sheet. As for voice being deeper, you're right there isn't a lot I can do
The other MC in my "Rap Crew" has an even higher voice when he raps, although he's a freestyler, meaning he's a helluva lot better at getting his tongue around the words first time around. He isn't free this weekend but if I can be bothered and the whole crew's free I'll convince the DJ I work with to get off his ass and spin a new beat and get the other MC (KamaykarZ, a bastardisation of the word Kamikaze) to do a few lines and get a proper recorded version up.
