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The Cost of Moderation
Fury:
Hello there. It has been a while.
This evening YouTube suggested me a video related to FSO, and I thought to check up on HLP. Then I stumbled upon some alarming old threads, including this one.
In hindsight, this thread is a year and half old and I probably shouldn't dig up old wounds. But as I kept reading, some old and painful memories began washing over me. I don't know if this post will be a net positive, or a net negative, but my deepest wish is to fully support The_E, however late I am.
I can without a doubt say, that the years I spent as an active member of this fine community were some of my best. I truly felt privileged to have enjoyed the company of fellow modders, and been part in creating some awesome things. I would never trade these years away; they are precious to me.
What The_E wrote deeply resonated with me. Under pressure even toughest of iron wills will eventually crack. People take moderators for granted. Most of the time people who need moderation are having a bad day. These people will then use moderators as outlets for their negative emotions. And neither side is prepared for it. A moderator is not trained professional in mental matters. Heck, most of the time a moderator is a nutcase himself/herself. I mean, why else he/she would be a moderator?
Moderators aren't even trained in the job. They just love the community enough and try to make it a better place with what limited power they may have. They are people just like everyone else who might have a bad day. A good moderator always remains objective and fair. But let me tell you a secret, that's nothing but fantasy. Moderators have emotions and they make mistakes. Conflicts are certain to rise, and a lot of times there just aren't easy ways to solve them.
Years of moderation turned me into a worse version of myself. Others may fare better. But unfortunately, the opposite is true as well.
As an admin, being one of the very few responsible to keep HLP up and running without issues is even more exhausting than moderating. You never know what you're going to face the next day. Will the forums be defaced by some script kiddie who found a vulnerability? Is the hosting provider gonna have a rough day? Is the SQL server going to be coughing up furballs? Chances are limitless and you never stop worrying.
I remember one day there was again a technical issue of some kind with HLP. I've forgotten what it was. That day I knew. I knew that I have had enough of the constant stress from being a moderator and an admin. I also heavily disagreed with some other admins with how things were being managed, while others were pretty much absent. I felt utterly hopeless, heavily stressed and acutely aware that this can't go on.
At first, I tried to distance myself by resigning from the admin and moderator duties. Before I left HLP there was a string of poor decisions and ruffled feathers. Clearly distancing myself from my old duties wasn't working. Thus, I left.
I felt like I was running away from my problems, rather than facing them. But I kept telling myself that I really tried. As time passed. I realized I made the right choice for myself. To me there was no other way forward than taking the left turn. I was part of the community before HLP even existed. I was among the first people to register a user account at HLP. I used to be a technical admin. HLP was a huge part of my life. It took a lot to leave and stay gone. And to me, that was the right choice at the time.
As I recall, HLP has had various variations of community guidelines for how to behave, each variation hopefully more successful than the last. But ultimately you cannot control how other people behave. You can only control your own behavior, medical issues aside of course. A strong attachment to the community might become unhealthy enough to prevent oneself from taking the necessary left turn. In my case it became sort of permanent, but it doesn't have to be. What I am trying to say is that when you're not doing well, you need to take a timeout and find other things that make you feel good and at peace.
Now that I read my own post, I guess it comes across as kind of haughty and self-serving. I think I'll post it anyway. If for nothing else, then at least a misguided attempt to show some support to moderators and admins. And a meager attempt at saying hello and sorry for being gone for more than six years. When I came here today, I didn't imagine I'd be writing THIS.
DefCynodont119:
Not going to lie, a lot of drama has happened in the past 6 years, many of the posters in this very thread aren't here anymore because of it.
Asteroth:
The only person who I'm aware of who has 'left HLP' in any way in this thread has been general battuta, which is at least in part due his busy schedule.
deathspeed:
At one time I had volunteered to be a moderator; I think I am glad I was never taken up on that. :)
I don't mod or code, but I have been a member of this forum for over 18 years, since I discovered it while looking for info on FS3. I have always considered myself to be pretty smart and to have good communication skills, but wow! There are some BRILLIANT people here. This is one of the few groups I have ever been a part of where I felt that my intelligence was just average. :)
I just want to share my thoughts on a couple of observations from the last couple of decades here.
1. For many (not all) posters, their brilliance is untempered by empathy. As noted above, there are real people behind all the keyboards. Unlike in some toxic internet communities/platforms, I don't get the impression at HLP that people are hiding behind anonymity and therefore feel that they can say whatever they want without consequence. Rather, it appears to me that some people are so smart and self-assured (I am not using those sarcastically) that they have lost the ability to consider that other viewpoints may be valid and to see that their efforts to explain their own viewpoint can, without malice, hurt other people.
2. I have seen this less often, but for me it is even more frustrating. Every time new community guidelines are proposed or published, there are individuals who use their brains to probe the limits. Then when they get called out on something, they plead "Well, is was not written down that I can't do that." No forum rules can ever completely anticipate and proscribe every single possible violation. These people are very capable of comprehending the spirit of the rules, yet they choose to violate this spirit then try to weasel out on a technicality. It's probably good that I am not a mod; these are the ones that i always wished were permanently banned, regardless of their contributions in other areas. If you can't play nice, don't play here.
I value and admire this community and the individuals who comprise it. The forums page has been saved as a home page since I first started using a browser that allows tabbed home pages. I had an epic summation to close out this post, but I just saw something shiny and don't remember what else I was going to type.
EDIT: corrected typo
Grizzly:
--- Quote from: Asteroth on October 07, 2022, 08:12:54 pm ---The only person who I'm aware of who has 'left HLP' in any way in this thread has been general battuta, which is at least in part due his busy schedule.
--- End quote ---
Same here, seem to have noticed a bunch of people around here still, especially on the discord (which seems to have eclipsed IRC entirely and the forum almost entirely as the primary means of communicating).
I personally don't post much but I actually mod more, sooooo :P
@Fury: good to hear about you too. It's one thing I have noticed with particulery good moderators in communities that tend to get heated: The burnout is very real. I'm lucky for being an admin on the Rock Paper Shotgun discord which is a pretty chill place, but the forum they had before definitely had a lot of problems. Now that we have a solid baseline it's just housekeeping, but we also get lucky: People are just there to play games. HLP is build around creative efforts that can take months or years to complete, and everyone here works for free. Even when everyone involved has the best intentions, friction is bound to result a lot more then in just a community about playing games together. It's hard to get it right! It's hard to do better. But I know you wanted to do better. That's not always true for people in positions of power in communities such as these. Not even this one.
Also, incidentally, I've been playing a lot with FuryAI, so I suppose I should congratulate you for (indirectly) shooting me down a hundred times :P
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