Hard Light Productions Forums
Off-Topic Discussion => Arts & Talents => Topic started by: NeonShivan on October 29, 2011, 06:03:35 pm
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Just a little overview on the Bal'ra. Hope you enjoy.
Background: Epsilon Indi. Home to the species known as the Bal'ra is located just north of the massive Anshari Empire. Been around for as long as the Anshari, just unharmed, the Bal'ra were able to grow in what was somewhat peacefully. They've suffered over 15 revolutions and changed their government system at least 9 times. Currently the Bal'ra follow a constitutional monarchy ruled by Emperor Kato the 15th. Recently exiting the Soci Wars the Bal'ra are nearing another civil war. Terrorist attacks against the Imperial Navy have increased dramatically. However, a new foe will soon face the Bal'ra. Their southern enemies the Anshari have launched a full scale invasion of 61 Cygni, commonly known by the Tengu as "Gamma Cygni." The Anshari decimated the Akrai and Cyme. Both key warships in the protection of the borders of their great empire. The Anshari soon start expanding towards their homeworld. While the Tengu remained neutral throughout the conflict the Bal'ra are faced with a impossible war. The only question they have now: How long do they have to survive?
Culture: The Bal'ra is a polytheist empire believing in 3 major gods only. God of Time, God of Space, and God of Creation and Destruction. Many of their installations in the Inner core systems are religious temples for worship of these three gods. This religion is in conflict with the Tengu's monotheist religion. Which is what caused the Soci wars.
Physiology: Being human like in origin the Bal'ra at average are 7 feet tall with bent knees and powerful muscle strength. However unlike humans Bal'ra only have 3 fingers and 2 toes. (Similar to Elites from Halo) The Bal'ra have a blueish green pigment in their skin. While their facial features are unknown due to the fact that mostly wear a helmet almost 24/7 it is believed they have similar human facial features.
Technology: Their polytheist religion limits their technology development in a few areas. They lack shield technology compared to the Anshari and Tengu. However they have one of the most powerful beam cannon technology in the galaxy. Rivaling those of the Anshari's. The Bal'ra also boost highly advanced armor technology, using a metal compound still unknown today outside of those who are not Bal'ra.
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That is really cool. Keep it up. It might turn into a story. trust me. :D
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Thank you :)
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You have one problem, though. Your writing is filled with what a programmer would call "undefined variables". Let me demonstrate by replacing every word not defined in this text by "thing".
Background: Epsilon Indi. Home to the species known as the Bal'ra is located just north of the massive THING. Been around for as long as the THING, just unharmed, the Bal'ra were able to grow in what was somewhat peacefully. They've suffered over 15 revolutions and changed their government system at least 9 times. Currently the Bal'ra follow a constitutional monarchy ruled by Emperor Kato the 15th. Recently exiting the THING the Bal'ra are nearing another civil war. Terrorist attacks against the Imperial Navy have increased dramatically. However, a new foe will soon face the Bal'ra. Their southern enemies the THING have launched a full scale invasion of 61 Cygni, commonly known by the THING as "Gamma Cygni." The THING decimated the THING and THING. Both key warships in the protection of the borders of their great empire. The THING soon start expanding towards their homeworld. While the THING remained neutral throughout the conflict the Bal'ra are faced with a impossible war. The only question they have now: How long do they have to survive?
Culture: The Bal'ra is a polytheist empire believing in 3 major gods only. God of Time, God of Space, and God of Creation and Destruction. Many of their installations in the THING are religious temples for worship of these three gods. This religion is in conflict with the THING's monotheist religion. Which is what caused the THING.
Physiology: Being human like in origin the Bal'ra at average are 7 feet tall with bent knees and powerful muscle strength. However unlike humans Bal'ra only have 3 fingers and 2 toes. (Similar to Elites from Halo) The Bal'ra have a blueish green pigment in their skin. While their facial features are unknown due to the fact that mostly wear a helmet almost 24/7 it is believed they have similar human facial features.
Technology: Their polytheist religion limits their technology development in a few areas. They lack shield technology compared to the THING and THING. However they have one of the most powerful beam cannon technology in the galaxy. Rivaling those of the THING's. The Bal'ra also boost highly advanced armor technology, using a metal compound still unknown today outside of those who are not Bal'ra.
Another issue is that, syntactically speaking, some of your sentences are really hard to read due to missing articles, and some of them are missing subjects. For example, let us take this sentence:
Been around for as long as the Anshari, just unharmed, the Bal'ra were able to grow in what was somewhat peacefully.
This sentence, grammatically speaking, does not work. It is not proper english by any definition.
Another pitfall you stumbled into is word repetition. In the "Technology" section, you have 5 sentences, and 4 occurences of the word "technology", not counting the section header.
Now, I know you have had problems with this in the past, and I am honestly not trying to flame you for these mistakes, but I feel that unless they're pointed out early, they can lead to ingrained habits that are hard to shake, and that will adversely affect your ability to communicate with others.
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Now, I know you have had problems with this in the past, and I am honestly not trying to flame you for these mistakes, but I feel that unless they're pointed out early, they can lead to ingrained habits that are hard to shake, and that will adversely affect your ability to communicate with others.
Thanks...The E...I'll keep that noted.