This is high school, right? There are a few assertions in it that I feel need to be backed up, but in high school I don't think it matters too much.
I guess that my biggest criticism is that you don't relate your argument(s) enough to the stories your referencing. You make many of statements, but don't explain how they relate to each story. You could probably fix this by finding the important point of each paragraph, and then in your analysis include examples from the book illustrating your point.
You could also narrow the focus of your thesis. This essay feels like a casual article written for a magazine, which is cool. Still, it could use a formal
intoduction. It may feel simplistic, summing upwhat your essay, but it helps the reader. It lets the reader know what your arguments are leading up to, rather than try having to figure it out on the go. It also will help you decide what elements to cut from your essay. Your conclusion was a nice summation of your essay, so just paraphrase it in the intro. Then, go through each paragraph in your essay and decide: does this further my point, or is it a tangeant? I agree with the conclusion you drew from your readings, but your argument could afford to be more precise and to the point.
You could consider the precision with your vocabulary as well. In your description of
Animal Farm you use the description of "pinpoint". Perhaps the word "poignant" would be a more accurate description of a piece of fiction. Also, I'm not sure about the word "insure" in paragraph concerning ID. Would "ensure" be a better word? A writer doesn't just write words, he carefully chooses them.
Other than that, it's a good start to a career in writing, assuming that's what you hope to do with yourself. Your writing voice is confident and full of personality. I appreciate the casual feel of your writing. It makes it the essay approachable. I think that as long as you don't get too attached to your style, you'll produce some great essays in the future.
