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Off-Topic Discussion => General Discussion => Topic started by: TopAce on July 04, 2003, 05:45:42 am

Title: A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Post by: TopAce on July 04, 2003, 05:45:42 am

Share your best jokes with us!

I will begin:
Doctor! Doctor! Everybody is telling I am a liar!
I don't belive you.

Title: A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Post by: Petrarch of the VBB on July 04, 2003, 05:48:47 am

Well that's the thing, all the jokes I make are very much spur of the moment things, involving who- or what-ever is there at the time.

Title: A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Post by: TopAce on July 04, 2003, 05:50:32 am

All jokes I make is ones you cannot understand. I like modifying hungarian expressions with another meaning, and that makes a joke.

Title: A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Post by: Turnsky on July 04, 2003, 05:51:24 am

Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach, and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play.

Minutes later, he runs back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with plonkers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play.

Several minutes later, he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more they talked, the dumber Daddy got!!"

Title: A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Post by: Turnsky on July 04, 2003, 05:52:11 am

The Beer Prayer

Our Lager
Which art in barrels
Hallowed be thy drink
Thy will be drunk ( I will be drunk )
At home as if in tavern
Give us this day our foamy head
And forgive us our spillage's
As we forgive those who spill against us
And lead us not to incarceration
But deliver us from hangovers
For thine is the beer, the bitter, the lager
For ever and ever....

Barmen

Title: A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Post by: Petrarch of the VBB on July 04, 2003, 05:53:36 am

:lol:

That's quite risible.

Title: A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Post by: Turnsky on July 04, 2003, 05:56:19 am

some of the best jokes i've ever heard were mainly of australian origin;)

Title: A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Post by: TopAce on July 04, 2003, 05:59:36 am

I was playing on PXO, and I had this one:

The connection is as slow as a Hercules
Than a guy flying the Herc II wrote back: TopAce!
Then I corrected myself:
The connection is as slow as a snail without afterburners.

Title: A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Post by: Turnsky on July 04, 2003, 06:00:55 am

1. Walking through the bush Gary and Griff came across a dingo licking its privates. After watching for a few minutes Griff said to Gary, "Just between you and me, I've wanted to do that all my life." A bemused Gary looked at him and said, "Go ahead mate, but I'd pat him first. He looks pretty vicious to me."

2. Newsflash! John Howard's library burned down on the weekend and two books, amongst other personal belongings, were destroyed! The real tragedy was that he hadn't finished colouring in one of them.

Title: A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Post by: Turnsky on July 04, 2003, 06:08:39 am

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There, he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large. Then they walk around the station a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows". The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?" The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

Title: A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Post by: TopAce on July 04, 2003, 06:08:44 am

Please vote!

Title: A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Post by: Petrarch of the VBB on July 04, 2003, 06:31:57 am

I was once told one by an Aussie physics teacher that we had for one year. (Well, he was a biology teacher, who was teaching us physics, as the school had ****ed up)

I can't really remember it, but it involved an Aussia, and American, and a new Zealander, and a sheep stuck in fence. Do you know the one I mean, Turnsky?

Title: A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Post by: Turnsky on July 04, 2003, 06:43:45 am

vaguely, but i forgotten how it went....

EDIT: here's another one
An Australian travel writer, touring Canada, was checking-out of the Hilton. As he paid his bill, he asked the manager, "By the way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived."
"Oh! That's 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'," said the manager. "The hotel is built on an Indian reservation and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He's known as 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember even the slightest detail of his life."
The travel writer took this in and as he was waiting for his cab decided to put the chief's memory to the test. "G'day mate!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?"
"Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up and indeed the Aussie was impressed. He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others of 'Big Chief Forget-me Not's' great memory.
On his return to the Hilton six months later, he was surprised to see 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick.
Remembering that one local had informed him that 'How' was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief rather than 'G'day', the Aussie greets him with, "How?"
"Scrambled," replied the Chief.

Title: A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Post by: Turnsky on July 04, 2003, 06:51:42 am

Excuse me for the double post

but:

Black Fellah to White Fellah

Dear white fellah,
There's a coupla tings you orta no.
Firstly
Wen I am born, I'm black.
Wen I grow up, I'm black.
Wen I get sick, I'm black.
Wen I'm cold, I'm black.
Wen I go out in the sun, I'm black.
And wen I get scared, I'm black.
And wen I die, yes, I'm still black.
But you white fellah ....
Wen you born, you pink.
Wen you grow up, you white.
Wen you get sick, you green
Wen you cold, you go blue.
Wen you go out in the sun, you go red.
And wen you get scared, you yellah.
And wen you die, you purple
And you call me coloured !!



A Pack of Cards

Four Drovers are sitting around a campfire discussing what they'd want; if they were lost in the outback and were only allowed one thing. The first says, "I couldn't do without my trusty old horse. She could probably lead me to a homestead from the back o' Bourke."
The second says, "You can have your horse but I'd want my swag. If your gonna be lost you may as well sleep warm at night."
The third says, "There's no question. I'd want my old Queensland Heeler 'Blue'. He's my best mate and if I was gonna die out there I'd want him beside me."
The last old bushie says, "Only one thing I'd need -- a pack of cards.
See, I'd start playing patience and before long some bastard would be looking over my shoulder saying "Red Jack on Black Queen."

Title: A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Post by: kasperl on July 04, 2003, 07:00:50 am

a manager, engineer and a physisist are told to give the exact hight of a building, and they're given a barometer.

the physisist throws the thing of the building while taking the time it takes to fall, starts calculating, and comes with the answer.

the engineer measures the pressure downstiars, upstairs, and downstairs again to correct, starts calculating, and comes up with the answer.

the manager goes to the janitor, and says: "if i give you this barometer, will you tell me how high this building is?"



what are 1000 lawyers on the bottom of the sea? a good start

what do you do when you hit a dog with your car? you stop
what do you do when you hit a lawyer with your car? you stop, go to reverse, stop, go forward, stop, go to reverse, etc.

Title: A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Post by: Petrarch of the VBB on July 04, 2003, 07:03:36 am

I remember this from long ago.

The Pessimist says the glass is half empty
The Optimist says that it's half full
The Programmer says that it is simply twice the size it should be.

Title: A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Post by: kasperl on July 04, 2003, 07:13:07 am

howmany MS engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
none, Bill will simply make darkness the new industry standard.

how many helpdesk operatives does it take to change a lightbulb?
none, all our operatives are busy.

IBM: I Blame Microsoft

ISDN: It Still Does Nothing

UPGRADE: User Purchases GRAdually Disentegrating Equipment

Title: A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Post by: Petrarch of the VBB on July 04, 2003, 07:15:28 am

Do you have the book "My Computer Hates Me" by any chance? As they're all in there.:D

Along with:
WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
WWW: World Wide Wank

Why doesn't MS build cars?
People don't want air bags that ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

Title: A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Post by: kasperl on July 04, 2003, 07:17:51 am

Quote

Originally posted by Petrarch of the VBB
Do you have the book "My Computer Hates Me" by any chance? As they're all in there.:D

Along with:
WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

yep

computers are female: every tiny little mistake is pointed out and commited to memory.

computers are male: impossible to figure out and never enough memory.

Title: A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Post by: Nico on July 04, 2003, 07:30:32 am

three programmers from Microsoft, Apple and Sun are in the toilets.
The MS programmer finishes first, shakes his thing, then goes to wash his hands with great care. Then he leaves the place, saying:
"We, at Microsoft, when we've done something, we like to make sure there's no problmes left"
Then the apple guy is done. He shakes his thing too, washes his hands for a minute at least, and dries it up for about as long. The he walks out, saying:
"We, who work at Apple, we want to make sure the job is well done and really completed".

Then the Sun programmer is done. He shakes his thing as well, and goes directly for the door, saying to nobody in particular
"We, at Sun, we don't piss on our hands".


A black dude and his very young son goes to the beach.
The son asks:
"Daddy! Daddy! Can I play with your penis?
-Sure, son, but don't go too far away"

Title: A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Post by: Nico on July 04, 2003, 07:33:03 am

Quote

Originally posted by Petrarch of the VBB


Why doesn't MS build cars?
People don't want air bags that ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

that's a part of the list the boss from General Motors used as an answer to Bill Gates's declaration that if the car controls had evolved as fast as the computer OS, they would drive on their own and stuff.

Title: A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Post by: Stunaep on July 04, 2003, 08:29:24 am

Gorbachev and Reagan argue whose country is more liberal: USA or USSR.

Reagan sais: A man can yell "Reagan is a moron" in front of the White House, and nothing will happen to him!

Gorbachev responds: Big deal! A man can yell "Reagan is a moron" in front of Kreml as well, nothing will happen to him either!

Title: A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Post by: Stunaep on July 04, 2003, 08:32:14 am

In late 1988 a man with a submachine gun runs into a Politbureau commitee congress in Kreml and yells: "Which one of you is Boris Yeltsin?"

Everyone points to a man in the front row.

The man loads his machine gun and yells: "Borya, keep low!"

Title: A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Post by: Stunaep on July 04, 2003, 08:35:04 am

In the 1950 a husband and wife step into a trolleybus in Moscow. For 15 minutes they ride quietly, then the man sighs.

The wife sais: "Now, Vitya, haven't I told you to never speak about politics in public!"

Title: A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Post by: Petrarch of the VBB on July 04, 2003, 08:48:59 am

Here's one from Spike Milligan's war memoirs.

"Bury me up a tree."
"Why?"
"I want people to look up to me when I'm gone."

Title: A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Post by: diamondgeezer on July 04, 2003, 12:14:49 pm

Never before has any thread pushed me this close to the brink of scuicide

Title: A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Post by: Unknown Target on July 04, 2003, 02:02:21 pm

I'm a situational comedy guy. I make jokes based on the situation. But here's a good one I got from somewhere else:

A boss calls one of his esteemed workers into his office. The Boss says to the employee, that, if he marries his daughter, he'll give him a 100,000 dollar salary. But there's a catch, the daughter is incredibly ugly, and incredibly stupid. So ugly and stupid, in fact, that the guy turns down the offer.

The boss, dismayed, says that he'll give him a 500,000 dollar salary, and his own estate. The guy thinks a little, and says that he'll do it. What the heck, he thinks, I could always just put a bag over her head when we have sex..


They are married, and months go bye. So, the guy was standing up on a ladder, and repairing a board on the cieling. He asks the wife to go get a box of nails. The wife trots off, muttering "Get the nails, get the nails, get the nails." She brings him the nails, and the man asks her to go get the hammer. She runs off, muttering "Get the hammer, get the hammer, get the hammer". She brings it to him, and the guy starts to hammer away, until he hits his finger with the hammer. "****!!!" he yells, and the wife turns away, mutering "Get the bag, get the bag, get the bag."

:D

Title: A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Post by: Unknown Target on July 04, 2003, 02:07:44 pm

Oh, here's another one:

A lawyer, a Priest, and an enginee are all sitting at a bar, and arguing over which was the oldest proffesion.

The engineer goes: "Well, engineering is obviously the oldest, because the Earth was created out of nothingness, and God needed enginering to make it."

The Priest says: "Ah, but God was there first, and he had to right the chaos, in order to create the Earth. So religion is the oldest proffesion."

The lawyer smiles smugly and says: "Ahhhh....but who do you think CREATED the chaos?"

Title: A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Post by: Martinus on July 04, 2003, 04:59:18 pm

[color=66ff00]Three guys go to hell.
The devil proclaims amidst much wailing and suffering that he will castrate the men according to their profession. The first guy steps up and the devil asks him "what is your profession?" the guy replies "I'm a fireman". The devil swiftly pulls an extremely rusty axe from thin air and lops off the guy's bits.
The second guy steps up shaking, again the devil asks "what is your profession?" the guy replies "I'm a scientist", satan magics up a lazer and blasts the guy in the crotch.
The last guy is rolling in the corner, tears in his eyes, holding his sides as he laughs uncontrollably. Satan asks him, "have you not seen the suffering I unleash? I will ensure your punishment is meticulously carried out". This drives the guy over the edge, inbetween gasps for air the devil makes out:

"I'm an icecream vendor, you're going to have to lick mine off".
[/color]

Title: A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Post by: Turnsky on July 04, 2003, 07:01:18 pm

:lol:

that's a good one maeg..

Title: A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Post by: Shrike on July 04, 2003, 07:48:31 pm

Quote

Originally posted by diamondgeezer
Never before has any thread pushed me this close to the brink of scuicide

Indeed.  Most of these are doubleplus ungood.

Title: A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Post by: Flaser on July 04, 2003, 08:36:30 pm

How many communists do you need to change a light-bulb?
...
All of them!
One holds the bulb, while the rest spins the world around.

Title: A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Post by: beatspete on July 07, 2003, 11:45:00 am

How do you show your wife your planning for the future?


Buy 2 crates of beer instead of 1.

Title: A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Post by: TopAce on July 07, 2003, 04:30:51 pm

Sir, do you need a pocket calculator?
No, thank you, I know how many pockets I have.


Here comes a bandit!
Grab his spine and bend it!

My personality is as strong as it could make 150 push-ups.
This washing powder is as intelligent as it could make my maths homework.

Title: A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Post by: LtNarol on July 07, 2003, 06:43:44 pm

Quote

Originally posted by Shrike
...doubleplus ungood.

EVIL! EVIL! KILL! 1984!

I'm ok, really :p

Title: A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Post by: diamondgeezer on July 08, 2003, 11:49:52 am

Quote

Originally posted by TopAce
My personality is as strong as it could make 150 push-ups.
This washing powder is as intelligent as it could make my maths homework.

I hate to bump this most hateful of threads, but what in the fuck are you saying?

(http://www.angelfire.com/magic/diamondgeezer/Images/wtf.gif)

Title: A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Post by: Tiara on July 08, 2003, 12:02:23 pm

Well, answer this:

Whats the difference between a teabag and a tampon?

Title: A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Post by: kasperl on July 08, 2003, 12:28:45 pm

Quote

Originally posted by Tiara
Well, answer this:

Whats the difference between a teabag and a tampon?

huh?

Spoiler:

i know, if i don't know you don't want the tea i am offering you

what's the difference between a sink and a toilet?

Title: A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Post by: TopAce on July 08, 2003, 04:17:58 pm

Quote

Originally posted by kasperl
what's the difference between a sink and a toilet?

The toilet is not in the kitchen :)  And it is recommended to isolate it from the other sides of the house.

Title: A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Post by: beatspete on July 08, 2003, 04:27:59 pm

Whats a mixed emotion?

...watching your brand new car being reversed off a cliff by your mother in law.

Title: A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Post by: TopAce on July 08, 2003, 04:45:06 pm

How many programmers do you need to repair a bulb?
None, its hardware error.

Title: A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Post by: adwight on July 08, 2003, 07:19:53 pm

How many football players does it take to lift weights?

3... One to lift, one to spot, and one to say, "Dude you're huge!!!"