Hard Light Productions Forums
Off-Topic Discussion => General Discussion => Topic started by: TopAce on May 07, 2004, 10:42:44 am
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This is my favourite joke of all times:
I joined the foreign legion to forget
To forget what?
I don't know, I have forgotten!
Some other short jokes I also like:
Doctor! Doctor! Everybody says I am a liar.
I don't believe you!
Snakes are speaking:
Are we poisinous?
I don't know, why?
I have just bitten my lip
Sir, do you need a pocket calculator?
No, thank you. I know how many pockets I have
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A man goes to a psychiartist
Doctor, I have terrible problems, a herd of elephants is always chasing me.
Well for God's sake then, get away from me!
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I have one about a hitchiker, an old chinese man, his young daughter, and testicular punishment but it's too long winded for me to be bothered to write.
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Will you tell(write :)) it for us later?
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A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.
He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?"
The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight"
The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter"
The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning"
The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst chinese torture tests ever known to man."
"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?
Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many,many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.
That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."
Well, the next morning the man awoke to find a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 50 kg rock on your chest".
"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to RIGHT testicle".
The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: LEFT testicle tied to bedpost".
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:lol: ROTFLMAO :lol:
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Mother Superior called all the nuns in the convent into the auditorium to give some rather shocking news.
"Sisters," began Mother Superior, "I have some grave news. There was a man here last night."
99 nuns gasped and one giggled.
"Sisters," continued Mother Superior, "we have learned that this man was in the dormitories."
99 nuns gasped and one giggled.
"We found a dirty condom in one of the linen closets."
99 nuns gasped and one giggled.
Mother Superior eyed them all and continued, "The condom had a hole in it."
99 nuns giggled and one gasped.
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Originally posted by Pera
*Snip*
That's the one, saved me a job. Love that joke. :)
So painful.
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Doctor, doctor, how long do I have left to live?
10
Ten what?
9
etc...
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Two people are walking out of a psychiatrists' office:
"Yeah, the doc is treating me for paranoia, but I don't trust him."
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My long-time favorite:
[q]Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang.
"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily-accented voice said. "This is Yitzhak down in Tel Aviv, Israel. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Yitzhak," Saddam replied, "This is important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"
"At this moment in time," said Yitzhak after a moment's calculation, "there is me, my cousin Saul, my next-door neighbor Shlomo, and the entire pinnochle team from the deli -- that makes eight!"
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Yitzhak, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Oy vey!" said Yitzhak, "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day Yitzhak rang back. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Yitzhak?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Goldberg's tractor from the kibbutz."
Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Yitzhak, that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Really?!" said Yitzhak, "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, Yitzhak rang again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Moshe's ultralight with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you Yitzhak that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MIG-19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to two million."
"Oy gevalt!", said Yitzhak, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Yitzhak called again the next day. "Right, Mr Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Yitzhak, "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners." [/q]
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Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards
through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call
it Earth and it's going to be a place of great balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern
Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern
Europe is going to be poor. The Middle East over there will be a hot spot.
Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a
continent of black people," God continued on, pointing to different
countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be
very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large landmass in
the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There
are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline.
The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous
and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely
sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known
throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to
give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired
and feared by all who come across them."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about
balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting
next to them...."
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[color=66ff00]ROFL, good one Thorn. It's as funny as it is cruel. :lol:
Two cannibals are eating a clown, one turns around to the other with a look of concern on his face and says "does this taste funny to you?
[/color]
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So, whats the official stance on black humour around here? Just making sure...
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These are my favorites out of the legions I've got..
Three travelers, an American, a Russian, and an Egyptian, were
circumnavigating the globe a la Jules Verne (in a balloon). The
Russian man put his hand out and reached down into the clouds.
"Aaah!" he said. "We're right over my homeland."
"How can you tell?" asked the American.
"I can feel the cold air." he replied.
A few days later the African man put his hand through the clouds.
"Aah we're right over my homeland." he said.
"How do you know that?" asked the Russian.
"I can feel the heat of the desert."
Several more days later the American put his hand through the clouds.
"Aah, we're right over New York." The Russian and the African were
amazed.
"How do you know all of that?!" they exclaimed.
The American pulled his hand in and held it up for them to see. "My
watch is missing."
Received from PackyHumor http://packyhumor.dardan.com.
The following is an actual question given on University of
Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so
"profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the
Internet, which is of course, why we now have the pleasure of
enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's
Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is
compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So
we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the
rate they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it
will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many
souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that
exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you
are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do
not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls
go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in
order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the
volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will
increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will
drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during
my Freshman year that "...it will be a cold day in Hell before I
give you my number" and take into account the fact that I still have
not succeeded in aquiring her number, then 2 cannot be true, and
thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.
The student received the only "A".
Received from Linda A Russell.
And...
A true classic (http://www.geocities.com/CollegePark/6174/AOL_HACKER_TURNAROUND.HTM).
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Originally posted by WMCoolmon
And...
A true classic (http://www.geocities.com/CollegePark/6174/AOL_HACKER_TURNAROUND.HTM).
True classic indeed. Poor guy. :lol:
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Originally posted by WMCoolmon
A true classic (http://www.geocities.com/CollegePark/6174/AOL_HACKER_TURNAROUND.HTM).
Ha, thats brilliant! :lol:
Heres an old one, but I still like it:
A mailman is on his last day of work, preparing to retire. As he travels his route, he recieves gifts from the neighborhood. The first house he visits grants him a box of chocolate. The second house nets him a gold watch. This goes on right up until the last house on the route. As he approaches, he is greeted by the woman of the house. They talk, she begins to flirt with him, and invites him to come into her house. The guy is hesitant, as her boyfriend is well known as a large, angry truck driver, but she reassures him that he wont be back for several days.
They proceed to have that day and night of their lives.
In the morning, the mailman wakes up to the woman, holding out to him a tray with breakfast and a dollar bill. He asks why she did all this, and the woman replies,"Well, I asked my boyfriend what we should give you as a retirement gift, and he said 'Screw 'im, give him a dollar'."
"Breakfast was my idea!"
not one of the best jokes i heard, but i cant remember any others :doubt:
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That AOL one is great. :D
Here's one that's for the scientific types,
A neutron walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for a drink. When the neutron asks how much it is the bartender replies, "No charge."
;)
[Fixed to make sense, my bad]
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Hey Axem, I haven't seen you around before. Welcome to HLP. :)
:welcome:
Narf!
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Originally posted by Axem
A proton walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for a drink. When the proton asks how much it is the bartender replies, "No charge."
;)
Which doesn't even make sense, considering protons have a positive charge... It would have to be a neutron.
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Heh, yeah, my bad. I somehow get those two mixed up somehow. I'll make it up by hopefully telling another joke right.
Two charges walk down a street. One exclaims, "I think I just lost an electron."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive!"
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Chemistry jokes for the ignorant?
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This hamburger walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food here."
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Signs Your Co-Worker Is a Hacker
- Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a $26,000 phone bill.
- Has won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running.
- When asked for their phone number, they give it in hex.
- Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
- Somehow gets HBO on their PC at work.
- Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeeez!" 295 times during the movie "The Net."
- Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.
- Their video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.
- Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overhear, "Good Morning, Mr./Ms. President."
- You hear them murmur, "Let's see you use that VISA card now, Professor "I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!"
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What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
- 45 kilograms.
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[color=66ff00]A guy walks into a bar,
he spends the next two days in hospital.
[/color]
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Originally posted by Axem
That AOL one is great. :D
...
I couldn't laugh on it. :blah:
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Originally posted by TopAce
I couldn't laugh on it. :blah:
uhh...lemme guess, you were Zabu451? :lol:
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A man is walking in the woods when he comes upon a large lake. Beside the lake he sees a young woman, apparently without arms or legs. He wallks up to her and sees that she is sad.
"Why are you sad, whats wrong."
Well, I'm out here all alone, without any limbs, and I've never even been hugged
The man, feeling sorry for her situation, gives her a hug and walks off.
The next day, he's walking through the woods again and comes upon the same lake. The girl is still there, and still looks sad. The man walks up to her and asks:
""Why are you sad again?
Well, here I am all the way out here all alone, and I've never even been kissed
Well, thats a bit of a stretch, but the man feels absolutely terrible for the girl, so he bends down and gives here a kiss, and goes off again.
The next day, the man is again walking through the woods and again find the girl by the lake. This time, she looks worse than ever, and the man just can't help but feel sorry for her. He walks over.
"Well, whats the matter this time?"
See, I've ben here my whole life, and I've never even been screwed
The man picks her up, and throws her in the lake.
"There, now you're screwed"
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:lol:
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Originally posted by JarC
uhh...lemme guess, you were Zabu451? :lol:
:lol: I consider this a joke.