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Off-Topic Discussion => General Discussion => Topic started by: Tiara on May 10, 2004, 06:19:15 am

Title: Ze Joke Thread
Post by: Tiara on May 10, 2004, 06:19:15 am

I'm sorry if we already had one of these as of late... actually... I'm not sorry :D

I'll start:


Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day, he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving, had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home, he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.

At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but as stinky as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner-the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!"

To his shock and horror, there were 12 dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Title: Ze Joke Thread
Post by: Gortef on May 10, 2004, 06:51:55 am

that really cracked me up :lol:

Title: Ze Joke Thread
Post by: Nico on May 10, 2004, 07:07:29 am

hew

Title: Ze Joke Thread
Post by: Gloriano on May 10, 2004, 07:52:38 am

:lol:

Title: Ze Joke Thread
Post by: an0n on May 10, 2004, 07:55:48 am

So, so poor.

Title: Ze Joke Thread
Post by: Sandwich on May 10, 2004, 11:14:34 am

Yuk

Title: Ze Joke Thread
Post by: kasperl on May 10, 2004, 12:52:05 pm

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer
   in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

courtesy of: http://www.gnu.org/fun/jokes/lawyers.html

Title: Ze Joke Thread
Post by: kasperl on May 10, 2004, 12:53:02 pm

oh yes, forgot this one:

What is the difference between a toilet and a sink?

Spoiler:

God, it would be one hell of a mess at your place

Title: Ze Joke Thread
Post by: TopAce on May 10, 2004, 01:46:47 pm

A plane crashed to the cemetery. They already found 5000 cadavers, and they are still digging!

Title: Ze Joke Thread
Post by: an0n on May 10, 2004, 02:09:33 pm

Q: What's got four legs and one arm?
A: A doberman in a playground.

Q: What's orange and blue and lays at the bottom of a swimming pool?
A: A baby with burst arm-bands.

Q: How do you swat 200 flies at once?
A: Hit an etheopian in the face with a frying pan.

Q: Why are a black mans eyes always red after sex?
A: The pepper-spray.

Q: What's the first thing a Texan girl says after losing her virginity?
A: "Get off me, Dad. You're crushing my cigarettes.

Q: What did the Mexican boy get for Christmas?
A: My bike.


I am sooo fukken banned.....

Title: Ze Joke Thread
Post by: Nico on May 10, 2004, 02:16:32 pm

A black dude and his son go the the beach. Bored, the kid asks his father:
"Daddy, can I play with your penis?
-Sure, son, but don't go too far away."

Cute :p

Title: Ze Joke Thread
Post by: kasperl on May 10, 2004, 02:19:30 pm

an0n: I heard worse last week.

Title: Ze Joke Thread
Post by: an0n on May 10, 2004, 02:21:29 pm

I've got worse, but I have no inclination to get banned again.

Title: Ze Joke Thread
Post by: Taristin on May 10, 2004, 02:26:40 pm

Quote

Originally posted by TopAce
A plane crashed to the cemetery. They already found 5000 cadavers, and they are still digging!

IIRC, that's a Polish joke, here.

Anyway... yeah, heard all but Tiara's all before.

Title: Ze Joke Thread
Post by: TopAce on May 10, 2004, 02:27:32 pm

Quote

Originally posted by an0n
I've got worse, but I have no inclination to get banned again.

It must really be an aggressive one ....

Quote

Originally posted by Raa Tor'h


IIRC, that's a Polish joke, here.
...

And there? :)

Title: Ze Joke Thread
Post by: kasperl on May 10, 2004, 02:29:06 pm

more like racist/Hitler jokes.

The extremly old and childish one:
Why did Hitler commit suicide?

Spoiler:

He saw the gas bill

Title: Ze Joke Thread
Post by: TopAce on May 10, 2004, 02:32:15 pm

The joke part is understandable, but it is not as good as I could laugh on it. Actually, I couldn't laugh on any jokes here yet(I admot I haven't read the first post, it is too LONG).

Title: Ze Joke Thread
Post by: Taristin on May 10, 2004, 02:32:25 pm

I like:

The sign on the Brothel Door: "It's a business doing pleasure with you!"

Or:

There was a blind man who's favorite color was courderoy.

Or this really long winded one about a French man, a Brit and a Japanese guy on an island for a year.

Title: Ze Joke Thread
Post by: Turambar on May 10, 2004, 02:32:44 pm

does anyone here know about the infamous dead baby jokes, and would they get me banned?

Title: Ze Joke Thread
Post by: kasperl on May 10, 2004, 02:41:47 pm

I could translate the 104 reasons why beer is better then women, or the 20 reasons why the US is getting back to being a UK colony, or what happened when you maroon 2 females and one male from different country's on an island, but I am too lazy.

And no, I don't know the dead baby jokes, but the banning, well, talk to some benevalous admin.

Title: Ze Joke Thread
Post by: Turambar on May 10, 2004, 02:46:19 pm

How do you make a dead baby float?

1 baby, 1 root beer, 2 scoops ice cream

get the idea?

Title: Ze Joke Thread
Post by: kasperl on May 10, 2004, 02:49:30 pm

not funny.

On the same route, how do you make a cat say "woof"?

Spoiler:

gasoline and a lighter

How do you make a dog go "miaaauw"

Spoiler:

Freeze it and use a circelsaw

Title: Ze Joke Thread
Post by: Turambar on May 10, 2004, 04:28:35 pm

What's black and blue and doesn't like sex?

The four year old in the trunk of my car


what's the best part of nailing a baby to the wall?

ripping it off again

Edit: I'm going to hell for this

Title: Ze Joke Thread
Post by: Shrike on May 10, 2004, 05:09:41 pm

I think if anyone wants bad racial and dead baby jokes, they can look it up through google.

Title: Ze Joke Thread
Post by: an0n on May 10, 2004, 11:13:10 pm

Or they could just go to thisisacryforhelp

Title: Ze Joke Thread
Post by: Martinus on May 11, 2004, 08:42:48 am

Quote

Originally posted by kasperl
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer
   in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

courtesy of: http://www.gnu.org/fun/jokes/lawyers.html

[color=66ff00]My brother studies law and his girlfriend graduated last year and is now with a firm. *prints out the entire archive of lawyer jokes* :D

A panda bear decides to go for a night on the rip so he grabs his wallet and heads for the nearest nightclub, he has a good night and is heading home when he is approached by a woman who asks him "do you want to come back to my place for some fun?". He decides that yes, this is a good idea and follows the woman.

They get back to her house and the woman tells him that she's going upstairs to slip into something more comfortable and that he should make himself at home. He immediately raids the refrigeratior and is halfway through gorging himself when he gets a call to come upstairs.

He jumps into bed with the woman and they get it on. 10 minutes later he's finishing his cigarette and he gets up to leave. The woman says "hey you have to pay me!". The panda asks why so she tells him that she's a prostitiute and that he should check the dictionary for proof. She hands him one and points out the word prostitute:

pros·ti·tute
noun

One who solicits and accepts payment for sex acts.


The panda promptly tells her that it doesn't matter he won't pay her, she gets very angry and asks why. The panda flicks through the dictonary and finds:

pan·da
noun

Eats shoots and leaves.



*runs*
[/color]

Title: Ze Joke Thread
Post by: TopAce on May 11, 2004, 10:41:54 am

The one above is good.

Title: Ze Joke Thread
Post by: Sandwich on May 11, 2004, 06:18:38 pm

Let's not get carried away with the borderline jokes, m'kay?

Title: Ze Joke Thread
Post by: TopAce on May 12, 2004, 10:09:36 am

Is this presentable?:

Why is it good for the pope?
He only meets his boss after his death.

Title: Ze Joke Thread
Post by: TrashMan on May 12, 2004, 12:06:09 pm

There is a Croatian joke(actually lot's of jokes) about a guy called Mujo. I will try to translate:

A englishman, a Japanese and Mujo get stranded on a island.
A fairy appears and tells them that she enchanted the small pier on the beach. All they have to do is run on the pear, jump and say their destination aloud and they will be transported there.

The englismen runs for it, jumps and jells "London" - and PUF! he's back in London.
The Japanese runs, jump and jells "Tokyio" - and PUF! He's back in Tokyio.
Mujo runs, jumps but trips and jells "****!" - and PUF!.....

*NOTE - the original joke on Croation goes with Mujo sayin "U pièku materinu!" - which mean  "In mother's p****!"*