Hard Light Productions Forums
Off-Topic Discussion => General Discussion => Topic started by: LOKO on August 17, 2004, 01:34:47 am
-
Ok in this thread u goto post 1 joke.
there are two men talking in a bar, 1 is a taxman, anyways the taxman ask's the guys so what do u do for a living, and guys says I'm a gambler, what do u mean ur a gambler, I make my living from gambling, and the taxman look at him suspiciously, and the guys says here I'll show u, I'll bet u $50 that I can bite my eye, and the taxman look's at him wierd and say okay ur on, and the guys take out his glass eye and bite's it, and then put it's back, and the taxman say sheeze, the guy says ok now I bet u that I can bite my other eye, and the taxman look's at him and look at his left eye, and thinks this guy isnt blind so ok ur on,
and the guy take out his teeth, and bite his left eye then put his teeth back, and the taxman say ah ****, and the guy goes okay now I bet $100 that u dont have an ass, and the taxman grabs his ass and thinks, I got an ass ok ur on, and the taxman turns around and put down his pants, and the guys goes hmmm, interesting can I Inspect it and the Taxman says yeh shore, and the guy put his finger in, ok u got an ass, but the taxman say wait but if ur always winning and losing how can u make a living,
and the guy goes well look out the window, at the building across the street, u c that man at the top of that building holding the binoculars, I bet him $10000 that I could put my finger in ur ass.
NO MORE POSTING ABOUT SPELLING
-
Ok, my turn...
His grammar
-
three (incert minority of choice) are rideing donkeys through the coutry side and it's getting late in the day. they come to a small town with an inn and needing rest for the night they make araingments, but being (poor/cheap/stupid) though, they book the atic. tieing there rides out front by a well. they go upstairs and fall asleep. in the morning, one of the three wakes before the others and in a moment of cleverness he thinks; if I run out that window and land on my mule I can be out of town before the others wake and I can get out of paying the bill! he runs, takes a flying leap out the window, and falls in the well next to his intended target. the noise of this wakes up one of the remaining two, looking around he realises the one guy skiped out on him, not wanting to pay 1/6th more than he otherwise would have, he gets a similar idea runs out the window and similarly lands in the well, the third finaly wakes up later, looking around he thinks the other two have stiffed him with the bill, in a rage he too runs out the window, lands on his animal and gets the hell out of town before the inn keeper finds him.
what is the moral of the story?
two out of three (incert minority of choice) can't tell there asses from a hole in the ground
-
Originally posted by Blue Lion
Ok, my turn...
His grammar
ooh, ooh!.. and spelling!, let's not forget spelling! :p
-
lol Bobboau,
spelling getting old poeple make new jokes.
-
No
-
A travelling salesman stops off in town on his way back home. He walks into the towns only hotel and ask if he can have a room for the night. The receptionist tells him that they haven't got any rooms free but that another guy took the last twin room the night before and probably wouldn't mind sharing so that he can pay less for the room. The guy is about to accept when the receptionist say that she feels she must warn the salesman that the guy snores very loudly. In fact he's so loud that they've had complaints from rooms 2-3 doors down.
The salesman says that he's very tired and he'll take anything. The receptionist checks him in and the salesman goes upstairs.
The next morning the salesman appears looking well rested. The receptionist is quite shocked.
"How did you sleep last night?" She says. The salesman replies that he slept like a baby. The receptionist asks why didn't the snoring bother him, to which the guy replies.
"Oh he didn't snore. When I came in the other guy was already in bed. I explained who I was and stripped down to my boxers. Then just as he was about to fall asleep I walked over to his bed, kissed him on the forehead and said "Goodnight darling." I went to bed and he stayed up all night watching me"
-
A return ticket, please
To where?
Back here.
-
Ancient Chinese Torture ( I heard this one at school)
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
-
Two stupid Englishmen are talking in London:
Have you ever been to England?
No, I cannot even find it on the map.
Some of you may find some fun in this. I didn't find any.
-
Peeple keep saing my speling is bed. I dont no y.
-
Thats reminds me of a good one:
Two Irishmen walk out of a bar
...
-
Originally posted by Rictor
Thats reminds me of a good one:
Two Irishmen walk out of a bar
...
LOL!
-
:wtf: What's the joke in that?
-
Originally posted by TopAce
Two stupid Englishmen are talking in London:
Have you ever been to England?
No, I cannot even find it on the map.
Some of you may find some fun in this. I didn't find any.
:wtf:
-
A man is eating in a Chinese restaurant, and he calls over the waiter and asks, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I'll go and find out" says the waiter
After a minute or so he comes back and says
"No, there's only apple jews, orange jews, and pineapple jews."
-
Bin Laden Joke.....
How does Osama bin Laden practice safe sex?
He marks the camels that kick.
-
Originally posted by 01010
:wtf:
Seconded
-
An priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
-
Bin Laden Rude Joke
Why does Bin Laden ask his women to shave there... private area?
Because he doesn't like bush!
-
One day, Bin Laden calls Bush:
'Mr. President, I have got a good news and a bad news. Good news is that I surrender. Bad news is that I am coming by aeroplane.'
----
Boyfriend asks her girlfriend:
Do you have a new neighbour?
For half a year now, haven't you noticed her yet?
I have, I only thought she was the scarecrow.
-
A question for the ages:
If a tree falls in the woods,
And hits a mime,
Does anyone care?
-
*silent clap*
-
a man wanting to buy a barbie doll for his daughter went to sales man and asked about the prices for the barbie doll's, the sales man answered the beach barbie cost $20, princess barbie cost $30, wedding barbie cost $30, sport barbie cost $20 and divorce barbie cost $400.
the man asked to the sales man why does the divorce barbie cost so much?
and the sales man answered because the divorce barbie comes with Kent's house, Kent's car, Kent's boat, kent's dog....
-
A duck goes into a bar and askes the bartender, "You got any fish?" The bartender replies, "No, this is a bar and we don't sell fish," so the duck leaves.
The next day, the duck goes back to the bar and asks, "You got any fish?" The bartender says, "I told you yesterday, this is a bar and we don't sell fish!"
The following day the duck returns and says, "You got any fish?" The bartender loses it, grabs the duck by the neck and screams, "I TOLD YOU TWICE, THIS IS A BAR. WE DON'T SELL FISH. IF YOU ASK AGAIN, I'M GONNA NAIL YOUR WEBBED FEET TO THE FLOOR!"
The next day, the duck goes into the bar and asks, "Got any nails?" The bartender sighs and says, "No, we don't have any nails." The duck says, "Good. Got any fish?"
-
A big department store hires a new assistant. The boss leaves him alone and returns to him at the end of the day and asks him how many customers he served. The new assistant says that he served one man. The boss is rather shocked by this and asks him what he bought. The guy replies.
"Well first I sold him a bag of fishing hooks. Then I said that he might need a new fishing rod so I took him over and helped him pick one out. Then I asked him what his fishing gear was like. When he said that it was quite old I took him over to our sports department and I helped him pick out a whole new set of clothes to go fishing in. Then I asked him whether he prefered to fish on the bank or from a boat. He said he prefered to do it from a boat but he didn't have one at the moment so I took him over to the boats department and helped him pick out a boat and trailer. Then I asked him if his car had a tow bar to pull the new trailer. He said his car was quite old and didn't have one. So I took him to the car department and sold him a new SUV."
The boss looks shocked and says "You mean he came in for a bag of hooks and you sold him all that stuff?"
The assistant replies "Actually he came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said Tampons? Well your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing!"
-
A baby seal walks into a club....
-
Aggressive bunny stumbles into a surgery:
Doctor, I was shot by a camelot.
Where?
In the desert!!!!
-
Originally posted by TopAce
Aggressive bunny stumbles into a surgery:
Doctor, I was shot by a camelot.
Where?
In the desert!!!!
You sir, are quite possibly the worst joke merchant I have ever seen.
-
Why so hostile?
-
Nothing hostile about it. That Camelot Joke was one of the worst I ever heard. There is just so much wrong with it.
1. Why a bunny?
2. Why is the bunny agressive?
3. Why is a bunny going to a surgery instead of a vets?
4. What the hell is a camelot meant to be in the first place?
5. Why would it be shooting rabbits?
6. Most importantly of all why did you think the fact that camelot and camel are similar words was at all funny?
-
Originally posted by TopAce
Why so hostile?
No hard feelings eh? I understand English isn't your primary language and I guess something got lost in translation.
-
I don't think it's the translation so much as the Hungarian (Or TopAce's) sense of humour being very, very weird. :)
No offence meant TopAce. After all I'm a fan of Monty Python but my gf (who's Malaysian) looks at it and can't see any humour in it (Even stuff like Life of Brian which is far more mainstream than the series).
Differnent nationalites and people just have completely different sense of humour.
-
Originally posted by karajorma
Nothing hostile about it. That Camelot Joke was one of the worst I ever heard. There is just so much wrong with it.
...
2. Why is the bunny agressive?
...
Ah, here is the problem: You don't know any agressive bunny jokes.
Originally posted by 01010
No hard feelings eh? I understand English isn't your primary language and I guess something got lost in translation.
The translation is just right.
Originally posted by karajorma
I don't think it's the translation so much as the Hungarian (Or TopAce's) sense of humour being very, very weird. :)
...
This is not my own joke, I read it on a Hungarian joke site.
Originally posted by karajorma
..
No offence meant TopAce....
None taken from you.
-
Originally posted by TopAce
Ah, here is the problem: You don't know any agressive bunny jokes.
If they're like the last one please spare me :D
-
Foreigners(from my point of view, so non-Hungarians) do not seem to understand it. I didn't know it.
-
As I thought it's a culture specific thing rather than just you being weird :D
-
I think the problem with that joke is the 'where?'
That 'Where' should have been in the 'at which of your part of body' meaning, but the bunny answered where the accident actually happened.
The camel is needed to make the 'In the desert' the answer.
-
Hope you will like this:
Time was working for us, but now, it is unemployed.
-
I think something is definately being lost in translation..........
-
Originally posted by TopAce
I think the problem with that joke is the 'where?'
That 'Where' should have been in the 'at which of your part of body' meaning, but the bunny answered where the accident actually happened.
The camel is needed to make the 'In the desert' the answer.
Nope. The problem with the joke is that it's not funny. If you say at which of your part of body you make it even less funny that the atttempt at a joke it already is because the so-called humour in the joke is that the bunny confuses where on your body with where geographically.
Seriously stop trying to frankenstein the joke and just leave it to rot.
Actually forget about wordplay. It's pretty silly to try wordplay in a language you don't know that well. Try a longer joke where the humour is based on the situation like the two I told. They'll probably translate better.
-
What did the farmer say when his tractor went missing?
"Where's my tractor?"
-
If you have explain a joke, it stops being funny & actually has the inverse effect.... it becomes a black hole of humour. And the more you try to explain it, the worse it gets.
True, that.
-
www.darwinawards.com
Clarification: No, that's not a joke. It's funny as hell sometimes, though. Too bad most of it's true...
-
1. Why a bunny?
2. Why is the bunny agressive?
3. Why is a bunny going to a surgery instead of a vets?
4. What the hell is a camelot meant to be in the first place?
5. Why would it be shooting rabbits?
6. Most importantly of all why did you think the fact that camelot and camel are similar words was at all funny?
1&2: "Aggressive bunny" jokes are a lot of different jokes. kind of like blonde jokes. and "minority" jokes. and bar jokes. etc.
3: probably translation error
4: see 1&2
5: probably lost in translation
go easy on the guy. Not only is his culture different from yours (which is probably why you don't find the joke funny, because i don't find it funny either :p) but he speaks his second language better than most people speak their first language. and i'll bet everyone making fun of his joke can't speak another language as well as he can.
-
I speak Latin that well. But then, I'm not making fun of him.
---------
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
-
TopAce's "Joke", fixed:
A rabbit walks into a vet's.
"Doctor, I've been shot by a camel"
"Where?"
"In the desert"
So Kara's right, it's not funny at all.
-
it is pretty lame ;)
-
Okay, stop me if you've heard this one! TopAce walks into this bar with Bush, the Pope, a rabbi, a blonde and Michael Jackson....
-
-The Blind Man & The Blonde Bartender
A blind man enters a "Ladies Bar" by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair -- giving that you are blind -- that you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares, "Nah....Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
-
Originally posted by Stealth
go easy on the guy. Not only is his culture different from yours (which is probably why you don't find the joke funny, because i don't find it funny either :p) but he speaks his second language better than most people speak their first language. and i'll bet everyone making fun of his joke can't speak another language as well as he can.
I wasn't being hard on TopAce. My point is that if you aren't fluent in a language you shoudn't really try to make jokes based on that language. Instead stick to situational or observational humour which translates well.
I personally speak a bit of portuguese but I wouldn't dream of telling wordplay jokes in it because I know that my skills aren't good enough for it.
Lastly TopAce isn't trying to waste our time telling us jokes he knows we won't like so I was trying to point out that he's wasting his time telling us jokes of that nature because they won't make us laugh. As you say it's a cultural thing but there are some jokes that are funny in any culture so it's better to stick to things of that nature.
-
i agree with you that you shouldn't try to tell a joke by translating it into a language you don't speak fluently, and/or to a culture you aren't familiar with :nod:
-
we've got a guy here from India. The only thing funnier than the jokes he tells is listening to him tell them. He speaks better English than the rest of us do, it's just funny to hear a pretty foul and slang joke spoken so professionally :)
Guy happens to be a genius too. Originator of one of my favorite quotes:
"Democracy is empowerment for idiots."
-
the indian accent is probably the funniest accent in the world
-
Eh, I think of it as 'funny' in the sense that it is so unbelievably proper. Guy has a master's degree and is simply brilliant at programming, I know better than to think it's an intelligence thing.
One of the single funniest things I ever heard was when we had the following on a conference call -
Our SQL admin, who's a native of Russia
Help desk for our Canadian division, who's from Quebec
Our ERP developer, the previously mentioned gentleman from India
Our customs broker from our plant in Nogales, Mexico
Our network admin, from Israel
and one sales manager, from Dallas, Texas.
All of them with the thickest accents you've ever heard.
Oh man, I recorded that. If I can chop out the personal bits, I'll post it. Believe it or not, they fixed the problem.
-
Originally posted by Stealth
the indian accent is probably the funniest accent in the world
Why would do you think that? Could say the same about British or even American accents.
:hopping:
:doubt:
-
The funniest accent in the world is unquestionably the Chinese accent.
-
That "was" the most arrogant racist thing I've heard anybody say here, Stealth :mad:
EDIT: and it continous with Prefect :wtf:
-
You havent heard any racist things in your whole life then, jdjt.
-
Oh loosen up. They make fun of accents on frigging Saturday Night Live, for crying out loud.
-
Originally posted by Lightspeed
You havent heard any racist things in your whole life then, jdjt.
Bah, Stealth is already on my bad side anyway
-
Ever notice a startling similarity in bash.org quotes? :p
<maniac> dude my gf thinks all guys are really gay
<Geekopolis> wtf
<MisterChief> you have a gf? right...
<maniac> seriously
<gruntmonster> MC: exactly
<Geekopolis> its just a myth
<gruntmonster> yeah
<MisterChief> most guys are completely straight
<Geekopolis> IM MALE BUT I LIKE MEN AND LIKE IT UP THE ASS
<maniac> wth
<MisterChief> rofl
<Geekopolis> typo
<gruntmonster> lmao 'typo'
<MisterChief> that's one hell of a freudian slip there
<Geekopolis> shut up
<gruntmonster> does that make you a 'myth'?
<maniac> haha
* MisterChief shakes head
<MisterChief> so sad
<Geekopolis> SHUT THE **** UP IM NOT GAY
*** Geekopolis has been kicked by ChanBot (swearing is gay)
-
okay guys this thread here was mean't to be about posting jokes, with all the news of wars in this thread I said screw it and made this post, to try to lighten the forum since there was 5 thread of wars all next to each other, and everything "seemed" to be fine, but then next morning I find this, u poeple turned this thread itself into a war, so I stand here and clap at you's.
-
okay guys this thread here was mean't to be about posting jokes, with all the news of wars in this thread I said screw it and made this post, to try to lighten the forum since there was 5 thread of wars all next to each other, and everything "seemed" to be fine, but then next morning I find this, u poeple turned this thread itself into a war, so I stand here and clap at you's.
from now on dont ask why there are wars in the world :P
-
w00t, double post. :p
Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide!
Yes, incredibly lame I know, but it was my favorite joke when I was little and is the only one I can remember... :blah:
-
I think of it as 'funny' in the sense that it is so unbelievably proper.
yeah well i know a lot of indians and other middle-easteners that speak english more fluently than most Americans, but i was referring to the stereotypical indian accent ;)
by Singh
Why would do you think that? Could say the same about British or even American accents.
:hopping:
sure could :nod:
i find new york accents hysterical.
cagle: do any of you understand the definition of "racist"? how about the definition of "arrogant"? because neither definition fits what i said.
i hardly think that saying a particular accent sounds funny is racist, or arrogant. it's not like i said "Indian accents are funny, just like the Indian culture and people!"... Most of the people i work with are indian, and they're all cool, i just think their accents are amusing. i'm sure to other cultures/races/people American and British accents sound funny, and that's to be expected, i don't care if they think it about me, and i'm sure they could care less if i do about them. ;) :D
-
Aussie accents are cool. :p
*Pushes the topic back on-topic for once*
Almost forgot about this little bugger I made awhile back...
http://s93727692.onlinehome.us/rebelbase/
-
:lol:
-
Some good ones here...
...hmm, this thread might be apropiate to post these ugly f***ers
(http://forum.dvd-inside.de/images/smilies/uglyhammer_2.gif)
-
// embedded file removed
don't listen to that and tell me you don't think that's a funny accent. :D
hehehe
-
"No, **** you guy. You no say **** you to me."
but thats a fake accents you know, its just a guy doing an impression of an Indian accent which is bound to be stereotyped.
-
yeah of course. but it's the stereotypical accents that i find funny. the stereotypical accents of every race/culture/people are bound to be funny to some people.
-
That's not especially funny.
-
well we didn't find your joke too funny either ;) :p
-
Scorning other nations' accents and language skills and posting jokes you do not understand are two different things.
-
Heh heh. Does anyone know that Monty Python skit about the Hungarian translation dictonary?
"Will you please... fondle my bottom?"
-
I don't predict any future for this thread.
-
Look, on a serious note, I've been raised all my life to be open and respectful with regards to all cultures, and so I am. I love Chinese poetry, Indian mythology, French art, what the hell ever, and I still don't see anything the least bit insensitive about finding innocent humor in foreign accents.