Hard Light Productions Forums

Off-Topic Discussion => General Discussion => Topic started by: SadisticSid on November 18, 2004, 11:09:46 am

Title: What marketing can do
Post by: SadisticSid on November 18, 2004, 11:09:46 am

http://www.watleyreview.com/2004/111604-3.html

Quote

AOL Admits 40% of Subscribers Don't Have Computers

Leading internet provider America Online (AOL) has confirmed a stunning statistic leaked by a dissatisfied employee last week, in documents sold to Fox News for an undisclosed sum.

"While we vigorously condemn the illegal theft of internal company documents, we must admit that they are in fact authentic," said a grim-looking Joe Redley, AOL's chief marketing officer. "Further, the facts as stated in the memos recently released to news organizations are in fact true; namely, that it does appear that a sizeable percentage of AOL subscribers do not, in fact, possess computers."

Until recently, the premier entry point to the Internet frontier, America Online is now trying to reinvent itself in a high-speed Internet world. Parent company Time Warner said last week that AOL lost 646,000 subscribers in the third quarter, reducing its subscriber count to 22.7 million U.S. members as of Sept. 30. It lost two million subscribers year over year. The revelation that 40% of its subscribers do not own computers could not have come at a worse time.

"Well, I got the disk in the mail, and it said if I wanted to subscribed I should send money to these people," said Carl Lewen, an AOL subscriber in Kentucky who does not own a computer. "It never said anything about having to do anything with the disk. I thought it was kind of like a souvenir."

According to the documents obtained by Fox, AOL became aware as early as 2001 that a substantial portion of its subscribers had no idea what a computer was, much less how to use one.

"The fact that they opted not only to keep these clients, but actually pursue such customers with increasing aggressiveness, bespeaks a serious ethical collapse at AOL," said Wired News analyst Mary Kowshik. "It's no wonder they have backed away from offering broadband service to many regions of the country - it is not profitable for them to compete in areas which actually involve offering technical services to people."

AOL was able to get away with this, apparently, because so many people are unclear as to what the internet is, or what benefits to expect from an online account.

"I kind of thought it was like subscribing to the yellow pages," said Lewen. "We kept getting copies of the phone book, so I thought AOL was doing that. I also wanted the virus protection, because it was flu season."

It is unclear whether any charges will be filed against AOL. The only complaint on record at the Internet Fraud Complaint Center is from a dissatisfied AOL subscriber who grumbled that its vaunted pop-up blocking service failed to counteract her husband's Cialis.

"Well, these documents do explain one thing," said Kowshik. "I always wondered how AOL managed to maintain a customer satisfaction rate of 40%. Now we know exactly which 40% of their client base that is."

:lol:

Title: What marketing can do
Post by: Lynx on November 18, 2004, 11:13:08 am

Marketing can do ugly things but those people must've been tards to begin with.

Title: What marketing can do
Post by: Fineus on November 18, 2004, 11:13:19 am

Only in America... ;)

Title: What marketing can do
Post by: Drew on November 18, 2004, 11:21:23 am

phhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Title: What marketing can do
Post by: Flipside on November 18, 2004, 11:40:03 am

If this were any other company........

:lol:

Title: What marketing can do
Post by: Styxx on November 18, 2004, 12:05:00 pm

Awesome.

Title: What marketing can do
Post by: aldo_14 on November 18, 2004, 12:13:32 pm

Susrely people can't be that stupid?

Title: What marketing can do
Post by: IceFire on November 18, 2004, 12:33:12 pm

Wait wait....40% of their customers are paying for a service they don't use because they don't have computers?  OR...they made up 40% of their customer base...

Title: What marketing can do
Post by: karajorma on November 18, 2004, 12:43:10 pm

Hmmmm. This site could replace TheOnion.com as my favourite :D

I particularly enjoyed this one

http://watleyreview.com/2004/110204-2.html

Quote

"We have fifty-five programmers whose exclusive job is to probe Mac OS X for potential security breaches. In fact, Microsoft has maintained a department devoted to developing Macintosh security breaches since 1984. It's part of our multi-pronged anti-Apple division."

Reporters present at the press conference were startled to hear this direct admission of the secretive division's existence, which has been strongly suspected since Microsoft's release of the astoundingly bloated and flaw-ridden MS Word 6 for the Macintosh. This version was so bad that many industry observers concluded it could only have been a deliberate attempt on the part of Microsoft to sabotage the Macintosh user community.

Title: What marketing can do
Post by: aldo_14 on November 18, 2004, 12:43:55 pm

Quote

Originally posted by IceFire
Wait wait....40% of their customers are paying for a service they don't use because they don't have computers?  OR...they made up 40% of their customer base...

40% of their customers are paying for something without actually knowing what it is.

Which implies to me that i should start up my circus flea training school again.

Title: What marketing can do
Post by: karajorma on November 18, 2004, 12:51:17 pm

This one is class too :D

http://watleyreview.com/2004/100504-1.html

Title: What marketing can do
Post by: Flipside on November 18, 2004, 01:05:50 pm

LOL That last one has just got to be a wind-up ;)

Title: What marketing can do
Post by: Liberator on November 18, 2004, 02:56:14 pm

Quote

Originally posted by aldo_14
Susrely people can't be that stupid?

Oh, yes they can.  You don't know some of the rednecks I do.

Still, HOLY STEAMING PILES OF CRAP FATMAN!!!!!!

*thinks for a minute*
The world is a plum waiting for me to pick it.:drevil: :drevil:

Title: What marketing can do
Post by: Rictor on November 18, 2004, 03:17:01 pm

:wtf: :wtf:

This....can't be real. I refuse to believe it.

edit: wait, no, its satire. Nevermind. Had me going for a second there.

Title: What marketing can do
Post by: kode on November 18, 2004, 03:17:50 pm

well, it could be true. and that wouldn't have surprised me.

Title: What marketing can do
Post by: KARMA on November 18, 2004, 03:29:02 pm

if true:rolleyes: , those AOL guys are genious. Bastards, but genius. 40%? ouch!:)

Title: What marketing can do
Post by: aldo_14 on November 18, 2004, 03:33:23 pm

Quote

Originally posted by Rictor
:wtf: :wtf:

This....can't be real. I refuse to believe it.

edit: wait, no, its satire. Nevermind. Had me going for a second there.

i dunno.  This is AOL users we're talking about here.

Title: Re: What marketing can do
Post by: Sandwich on November 18, 2004, 04:21:48 pm

Quote

Originally posted by SadisticSid
"Well, I got the disk in the mail, and it said if I wanted to subscribed I should send money to these people," said Carl Lewen, an AOL subscriber in Kentucky who does not own a computer. "It never said anything about having to do anything with the disk. I thought it was kind of like a souvenir."

Wow, I'm tired. :sigh: I read that paragraph and thought, "I've got to post this on HLP!"


:nervous:

Title: What marketing can do
Post by: Goober5000 on November 18, 2004, 04:36:42 pm

:lol:

EDIT: This thread is very misleading.  I thought it was a real news article until I saw the other links on the site.

Title: What marketing can do
Post by: karajorma on November 18, 2004, 04:48:59 pm

Oh come on. Didn't this bit give it away?

Quote

"The fact that they opted not only to keep these clients, but actually pursue such customers with increasing aggressiveness, bespeaks a serious ethical collapse at AOL," said Wired News analyst Mary Kowshik. "It's no wonder they have backed away from offering broadband service to many regions of the country - it is not profitable for them to compete in areas which actually involve offering technical services to people."

:lol:

Title: What marketing can do
Post by: TrashMan on November 18, 2004, 05:03:36 pm

Quote

Originally posted by aldo_14
Susrely people can't be that stupid?

Oh, but they are, they are....

I belive sonmeone said (can't remember who..I think Einstein):
"Only two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity."
..
or something like that...

Title: What marketing can do
Post by: Ford Prefect on November 18, 2004, 06:33:44 pm

Quote

The Watley Review is dedicated to the production of articles completely without journalistic merit or factual basis, as this would entail leaving our chairs or actually working.

Title: What marketing can do
Post by: Jetmech Jr. on November 18, 2004, 06:42:22 pm

I thought this little gem was great:

Quote

"I also wanted the virus protection, because it was flu season."

Title: What marketing can do
Post by: Goober5000 on November 18, 2004, 06:43:24 pm

Quote

Originally posted by karajorma
Oh come on. Didn't this bit give it away?

Meh... I skimmed the article and thus didn't read that paragraph too carefully. :p

Title: What marketing can do
Post by: Liberator on November 18, 2004, 06:56:54 pm

Quote

Originally posted by aldo_14
Susrely people can't be that stupid?

Apparently, I am.  Cause I went and posted this on another site like it was real.:blah: :shaking: :nervous: :blah:

Title: What marketing can do
Post by: Goober5000 on November 18, 2004, 07:07:23 pm

Quote

Originally posted by Liberator
Apparently, I am.  Cause I went and posted this on another site like it was real.:blah: :shaking: :nervous: :blah:

I told it to my group in the computer lab and I very nearly emailed it to some people. :nervous:

Title: What marketing can do
Post by: icespeed on November 18, 2004, 07:07:56 pm

hey, i thought this was real. then i realised i hadn't heard anything about it on real news, ie tv news. then i realised they make up half the stuff on so called real tv news anyway. so... whatever.

Title: What marketing can do
Post by: Stealth on November 18, 2004, 08:39:27 pm

Quote

Bush Nominates Sesame Street's Bert as Secretary of State

hehehe

Title: What marketing can do
Post by: Liberator on November 18, 2004, 09:49:23 pm

Quote

Originally posted by Goober5000
I told it to my group in the computer lab and I very nearly emailed it to some people. :nervous:

I did email to my brother and my sister,

Title: What marketing can do
Post by: Corsair on November 18, 2004, 09:55:09 pm

:lol::lol:
That definitely gives The Onion a run for its money...

Title: What marketing can do
Post by: SadisticSid on November 19, 2004, 03:45:55 am

Mwa ha ha. I did wonder how long it'd take someone to realise given its subject material ;)

Title: What marketing can do
Post by: Gloriano on November 19, 2004, 04:56:33 am

ROFL