Hard Light Productions Forums

Off-Topic Discussion => General Discussion => Topic started by: aldo_14 on March 02, 2005, 05:24:47 am

Title: Please forgive me.....
Post by: aldo_14 on March 02, 2005, 05:24:47 am: A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. He starts on this when
suddenly a huge fish leaps out and bites him right on his todger. He is not going to let a fish have a go so he beats the offending fish to death with a spade. Realising that his boss is not going to be best pleased, he tries to find a way to hide the dead fish.

He hits on the brilliant idea of giving the fish to the lions as lions will eat anything. So he throws the fish into the lion's cage.

He then moves on to his second job, which is to clear out the monkey house. He goes in and a couple of chimps start urinating on him. Un-amused he swipes at the chimps with his spade, killing them instantly. He's really worried now, so what does he do? He feeds the chimps to the lions, because lions eat anything. He hurls them into the lion's cage.

Anyway, he moves on to his last job, which is to collect honey from South American bees. He starts on this and quickly gets attacked by the bees.

Alarmed, he grabs his spade and smashes the bees as hard as he can, squashing them to death. By this point he is not too worried about the death of bees as he knows what to do by now. He throws them into the lion's cage, because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. It wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like in here?".

The other lion says: . . . . . .

(Wait for it.........)

Spoiler:

"Absolutely brilliant, today we had fish, chimps and mushy bees"
Title: Please forgive me.....
Post by: Unknown Target on March 02, 2005, 05:34:55 am: ...not funny?
Title: Please forgive me.....
Post by: Col. Fishguts on March 02, 2005, 06:11:27 am: I think I don't get it...something to do with english food ?
Title: Please forgive me.....
Post by: aldo_14 on March 02, 2005, 06:15:33 am: :sigh:
British food, actually.
Spoiler:

Fish, chips and mushy peas
Title: Please forgive me.....
Post by: WMCoolmon on March 02, 2005, 06:33:37 am: Potato chips are American food, or so I hear. :p

Some guy was eating cooked potatoes at a restraunt. But, he wasn't satisified with them. So he sends them back. But he's not satisfied with them the next time, and so sends them back two or three more times.

Finally, the chef got pissed off and sent them back to him, after slicing them to be as thin as he could. Thus, the potato chip was born. ;)
Title: Please forgive me.....
Post by: aldo_14 on March 02, 2005, 06:34:44 am: Quote
Originally posted by WMCoolmon
Potato chips are American food, or so I hear. :p

Some guy was eating cooked potatoes at a restraunt. But, he wasn't satisified with them. So he sends them back. But he's not satisfied with them the next time, and so sends them back two or three more times.

Finally, the chef got pissed off and sent them back to him, after slicing them to be as thin as he could. Thus, the potato chip was born. ;)

Ah. Let me correct you, because you people have been getting this wrong for ages......in fact, I don't think I ever saw a proper bag of prawn cocktail last time I was on holiday in the states (long ago as that may be...)

Chips
(http://reporter.leeds.ac.uk/492/images/chips.jpg)

Crisps
(http://www2.marksandspencer.com/foodmagazine/productranges/viva_la_med/images/cripts.jpg)

Fish, chips and mushy peas
(http://www.mrchipsoflouth.com/Haddock_dinner2.jpg)

(And no, I wouldn't touch those peas with a 30 foot bargepole either.....)
Title: Please forgive me.....
Post by: vyper on March 02, 2005, 07:36:11 am: No peas for me please, just fish, chips, a ton of salt n' vinegar and tomato sauce.
Title: Please forgive me.....
Post by: Liberator on March 02, 2005, 08:15:52 am: Quote
Originally posted by aldo_14
Fries
(http://reporter.leeds.ac.uk/492/images/chips.jpg)

Chips
(http://www2.marksandspencer.com/foodmagazine/productranges/viva_la_med/images/cripts.jpg)

Food Poisoning
(http://www.mrchipsoflouth.com/Haddock_dinner2.jpg)
Title: Please forgive me.....
Post by: Ghostavo on March 02, 2005, 08:12:09 am: @Liberator
Whose language is it, again? :p ;)
Title: Please forgive me.....
Post by: aldo_14 on March 02, 2005, 08:41:27 am: (http://www.ocado.com/catalog/images-full/15823011_L.jpg)

EDIT; chips are fatter than 'fries' for one thing, anyways.
Title: Please forgive me.....
Post by: Roanoke on March 02, 2005, 11:30:42 am: hey that's pretty good.
Title: Please forgive me.....
Post by: karajorma on March 02, 2005, 11:46:48 am: Quote
Originally posted by WMCoolmon
Potato chips are American food, or so I hear. :p

Some guy was eating cooked potatoes at a restraunt. But, he wasn't satisified with them. So he sends them back. But he's not satisfied with them the next time, and so sends them back two or three more times.

Finally, the chef got pissed off and sent them back to him, after slicing them to be as thin as he could. Thus, the potato chip was born. ;)

I'd heard the story before I knew immediately that he was an American chef. Try that with a French one and he'd have left with his ears in a doggy bag. :lol:
Title: Please forgive me.....
Post by: Kazan on March 02, 2005, 11:55:20 am: no forgiveness for you!
Title: Please forgive me.....
Post by: Flipside on March 02, 2005, 11:58:13 am: I wouldn't touch the Mushy Peas either, but my Dad loves them, and a more ccurate label for that plate of Fish & Chips would be 'Do It Yourself Coronary' ;)
Title: Please forgive me.....
Post by: aldo_14 on March 02, 2005, 01:40:52 pm: Quote
Originally posted by Flipside
I wouldn't touch the Mushy Peas either, but my Dad loves them, and a more ccurate label for that plate of Fish & Chips would be 'Do It Yourself Coronary' ;)

Nah, that's reserved for this;

(http://www.celticmalts.com/Journal-images/journal-c15p2.jpg)
Title: Please forgive me.....
Post by: Roanoke on March 02, 2005, 02:44:32 pm: I happen to like mushy peas.

That fried Mars bar just looks rank.
Title: Please forgive me.....
Post by: Ford Prefect on March 02, 2005, 03:19:17 pm: What did the farmer say when his tractor went missing?
Spoiler:
Where's my tractor?
Title: Please forgive me.....
Post by: Petrarch of the VBB on March 02, 2005, 03:30:21 pm: Hohoho
Title: Please forgive me.....
Post by: Tiara on March 02, 2005, 03:51:25 pm: Mushy peas look like the feces of a very sick bird. :ick:
Title: Please forgive me.....
Post by: Scuddie on March 02, 2005, 05:26:28 pm: Or a baby
Title: Please forgive me.....
Post by: Kie99 on March 02, 2005, 05:45:58 pm: I appreciated it...
Title: Please forgive me.....
Post by: BlackDove on March 02, 2005, 06:37:32 pm: I think this thread has established that jokes do not work on forums.
Title: Please forgive me.....
Post by: comic on March 02, 2005, 08:02:21 pm: ah ha! not so just take this fine thread for example, the french ones are the best!

http://p211.ezboard.com/fbabylon5techmanualfrm29.showMessage?topicID=2349.topic
Title: Please forgive me.....
Post by: Carl on March 02, 2005, 08:19:31 pm: Quote
Originally posted by BD
I think this thread has established that jokes do not work on forums.

no, this thread has established that british based jokes do not work on forums where the majority are not british.
Title: Please forgive me.....
Post by: Clave on March 03, 2005, 01:01:06 am: True enough, but as a niche joke it was funny enough...:D
Title: Please forgive me.....
Post by: Carl on March 03, 2005, 02:57:24 am: this one works better as the same kind of joke, but more universal:

A little boy came home from school one day and said to his father, "Dad, what can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow." The father thought some and said, "OK son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let's say that I'm capitalism because I'm the breadwinner. Your mother will be government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?" The little boy said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."
Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was woken up by his brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. Because he couldn't do anything else, he turned and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now." "Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?" The little boy thought for a minute and said, "I learned that while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep to the pleas of the people, leaving the future in a pile of ****."
Title: Please forgive me.....
Post by: Grug on March 03, 2005, 03:10:13 am: rofl thats a good one. :lol:

Mind I've never heard of a meal with fish chips and mushy peas... :wtf:

Here in Aus its just fish and chips.

But I like Pie with peas :D
Title: Please forgive me.....
Post by: WMCoolmon on March 03, 2005, 03:32:28 am: Ahh. British humor. That explains a lot.

I suppose someone will go and post that 'Twangers' video now. :p :lol:

Oh, and that joke is good. I'm going to try to remember it for tomorrow. :D