Hard Light Productions Forums
Off-Topic Discussion => General Discussion => Topic started by: Primus on September 16, 2006, 12:03:38 pm
-
Three male programmers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals.
The first programmer finishes, walks over to the sink to wash his hands.
He then proceeds to dry his hands very carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried.
Turning to the other two, he says, "At Microsoft, we are trained to be extremely thorough."
The second programmer finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes sure that he dries his hands using every available portion of the paper towel.
He turns and says, "At Intel not only are we trained to be extremely thorough but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."
The third programmer finished and walks straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder, "At Sun, we don`t piss on our hands."
What's the procedures of FS open source coders? ;)
Windows error codes
Recently the following undocumented error-codes were found. Microsoft forgot to explain them in the manuals, so they will be spread via the internet:
* WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger
* WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet
* WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
* WinErr: 004 Erronious error - Nothing is wrong
* WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused
* WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
* WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadeqaute money spent on hardware
* WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
* WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened
* WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
* WinErr: 00B Inadeqaute disk space - Free at least 50MB
* WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More RAM needed. More! More! More!
* WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside
* WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside
* WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
* WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
* WinErr: 011 Window open - Do not look outside
* WinErr: 012 Window closed - Do not look inside
* WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh ?
* WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
* WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old windows licence is not valid anymore.
* WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
* WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry.
* WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that.
* WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadeqaute.
* WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
* WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
* WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
* WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Remaining errors will be lost.
* WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automaticly be closed and the virus will be activated again.
* WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
* WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many erros encountered. Next errors will not be displayed or recorded.
* WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
* WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.
* WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 50.312.583 Bytes available
The president of Lotus walks into an elevator with a gun in his hand.
In the elevator are: Sadam Hussein, Timmothy McVeigh, and Bill Gates.
Only one problem: there are only two bullets.
Who does he shoot?
Bill, twice.
Did you hear about the Microsoft Windows programmer who died?
He found himself in front of a committee that decides whether you go to Heaven or Hell.
The committee told the programmer he had some say in the matter and asked him if he wanted
to see Heaven and Hell before stating his preference.
"Sure," he said, so an angel took him to a place with a sunny beach, bikini clad girls, volleyball, and rock & roll, where everyone was having a wild time.
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "Heaven is great!"
"Wrong," said the angel. "That was Hell. Want to see Heaven?"
"Sure!" So the angel took him to another place. Here a bunch of people were sitting in a park
playing bingo and feeding dead pigeons.
"This is Heaven?" asked the Windows programmer.
"Yup," said the angel.
"Then I'll take Hell." Instantly he found himself plunged up to his neck in red-hot guano, with the hosts of the damned in torment around him. "Where's the babes? the beach? The music? The volleyball?" he screamed frantically to the angel.
"That was the demo version!" she replied as she vanished.
The MS Staff
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey! Where am I?" To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 180 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just a while away."
Bill and his young wife wakes up after their first marriage night. The woman says: "Finally, I found out, why you called your company "MicroSoft".
The world's smartest man
One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.
"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.
Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.
The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."
The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, dude, there's still two left. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."
Car problems
3 people had carpool: a mechanical engineer, a electrical engineer and a Microsoft programmer. But the car suddenly broke down.
Mechanical engineer said: "Hey! It has to be the fuel injection. Lemme fix it."
The electrical engineer didn't agree: "It's magneto probably. I'll fix it."
Microsoft programmer shoke his head and said: "Hey guys, I have a simpler idea: Let's just close all the windows, get out of the car, then get back into it, and it should run!"
Why did Microsoft give the name "Windows" to its operating software?
If you had so many bugs, you would throw it out the window too!
-
:lol: not too bad at all.
-
Half of them I knew, sometimes with different company names. The lost-pilot one was about a balloon in the one I heard, BTW.
-
Jean-Paul Sartre was sitting in a cafe when a waitress approached him: "Can I get you something to drink, Monsieur Sartre?"
Sartre replied, "Yes, I'd like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream."
Nodding agreement, the waitress walked off to fill the order and Sartre returned to working. A few minutes later, however, the waitress returned and said, "I'm sorry, Monsieur Sartre, we are all out of cream -- how about with no milk?"
-
Some guy died, and went to [insert appropriate religious place of judgement here]. He spoke to [insert minor divine religious functionary here (i.e. saint peter)] and asked "WTF are all these clocks doing here?" The functionary said "These are lie clocks. Every time you lie, these babies tick once." The man said "Kewl. Do you have Abe Lincoln's clock?" The functionary said "Duh. Everyone who ever existed has a clock here." and pulled out a clock. The guy looked at it. "Dewd, this thing must be broken. It hasn't moved."
The functionary said "Nope, Abe never lied". The guy said "Cool. Can I see george's clock?" The functionary searched around... The man said "I mean washington". The functionary pulled out a clock. "Good" he said. The man looked at it. "Wow, only 2 ticks. Nice..."
The man then said "Can I see Dubya's clock? Ya know, 6 letters, 6 letters, 4 lettersjr?" The functionary searched. And searched. And searched.
And finally, he pulled out his Crackberry. He texted [insert supreme religious being, I.E. the FSM]. And he told the man:
"We apologize, the man upstairs is using Dubyah's clock as a ceiling fan"
-
Here's one that is totally unrelated to technology.
How do you make Holy Water? You boil the HELL out of it.
-
as usual, these are even more amusing in pirate form
-
* WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. And hoist the mainsail! Buy a new one. Drink up me hearties, yo ho! Yarrrrr! Old windows licence is not valid anymore.
-
I maketh no sense in scurv'o'talk.....
What did the lesbian vampire say t' other lesbian vampire..............
seeya next month :nervous:
-
Jean-Paul Sartre was sitting in a cafe when a waitress approached him: "Can I get you something to drink, Monsieur Sartre?"
Sartre replied, "Yes, I'd like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream."
Nodding agreement, the waitress walked off to fill the order and Sartre returned to working. A few minutes later, however, the waitress returned and said, "I'm sorry, Monsieur Sartre, we are all out of cream -- how about with no milk?"
Descartes was sitting at a cafe when the waitress came up to him and asked if he wanted another cup of coffee.
- I think not, Descartes said and promptly dissappeared
-
Damn pazza speak, i cant understand the scurvy hilarity. :ick:
-
There is a factory in North Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toys laugh when you tickle under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00am.
The next day at 8:45am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door an' begins to rant about the new employee,
He complains THat she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The personnel manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there, th' line is so backed up wot there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they are really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the package between Elmo’s legs.
The personnel manger bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
“I’m sorry, “he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, “but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday……”
“Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles!” :lol:
-
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
AVAST, tis' fine sea-faring humour m'bucko........