Hard Light Productions Forums
Off-Topic Discussion => General Discussion => Topic started by: TheVirtu on May 16, 2002, 06:52:19 pm
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More to come soon:
1. Command has given you free time off…In Gamma Draconis.
2. Command has ordered your squadron to destroy the final NTF Stronghold…in Apollos.
3. You were assigned to destroy the Hades with 8 Ursas and a Fenris cruiser with laser turrets.
4. Your insurance was cancelled...before your first combat mission.
5. The warship that you serve on only shows reruns of Steve Harvey…over…and over…and over.
6. Command asks you to update your will…daily.
7. Your new wingman joined the GTVA from the HOL…today.
8. Command deploys your wing to destroy a Shivan ship with Zeus Bombers...the ship is the SD Sathanas.
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Considering there's no such thing as the SD Sathanas, I figure you'll win that one :p
Well, you weren't lying when you said you were bored..
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You didn't add my first one!
Your Hecate only has MX-52s onboard. :D
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Originally posted by Shrike
Your Hecate only has MX-52s onboard. :D
9) You find that none of the ships in your fleet have "Beam-Free-All" enabled
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10. It's one of those missions where you can't customize your load-out, and all you have are ML-16's and MX-50's...in a Freespace 2 mission.
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Originally posted by TheVirtu
5. The warship that you serve on only shows reruns of Steve Harvey…over…and over…and over.
:nod: :nod: :nod:
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11. You are sent to destroy the SJ Sathanas...with no backup at all. And you have to take it out using Furies. In FreeSpace 2.
You must have been real bored to start this, Virtu. ;)
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12: The universe ends when you try to visit the tech room weapons area after new weapons (modified tables) have been released.
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Originally posted by Carl
10. It's one of those missions where you can't customize your load-out, and all you have are ML-16's and MX-50's...in a Freespace 2 mission.
In my Evil SHaS Mission of Doom (TM), you're in a GTF Apollo with an Avenger, a ML-16, and two sets of MX-50s..... without the ability to customize your loadout..... acting as live bait for about 12 Serapis-class interceptors..... and your wingmen, even though they are in Perseus-class interceptors and Ares-class fighters, don't show up until after the Vasudans have taken the bait.
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Originally posted by Corsair
You must have been real bored to start this, Virtu. ;)
And you must be bored for participating in it.
I am too. :)
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13) I quote: "Alpha 1, here's your cruiser. It's a Fenris retrofit from the Great War. Oh, and we need you to attack the final rebel stronghold." :shaking:
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"We're sending an expedition to Earth..just so we don't surprise them, you'll be flying an Apollo! Of course, the citizens of Earth would never attack us, because that's not the plot of every other FS2 campaign being made."
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14. the ship that serves as your base of operations has no Bosch Bear...and never has
15. the only fighters available to you are Zeus bombers
16. Command sends you in with a full squadron, you're the spy, half your core detonators dont work.
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17. You're squad logo is a huge bulls-eye
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18. You have to destroy the Sathanas beam weapons by yourself, while your wingmates fly round in circles getting shot at by 2 huge flack turrets. :doh:
19. OK alpha, your mission today is to lure the manticores and dragons away from the konnosos back to the Rennenet, and then the Rennenet will watch you be killed by them.
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20/ You've been serving on the one ship since basic training, you've risen through the ranks, killed every concievable type of enemy ship, saved countless destroyers, flown deep into hostile territory, been a spy and given command of your own elite squadron....yet the Aquitanes captain still can't remember your name.
21/ You get moved squadron every 2 weeks
22/ you're asked to fly a Ulysses. With TAGs. In a Shivan nebula
23/ Command actually goes to fetch enemy fighters for 22 - and brings back vastly more than you can handle
24/ You're sent to a vasudan destroyer to get rid of you
25/ You're asked to fly paper-thin Vasudan fighters to destroy highly explosive gas-miners
26/ You are sent to recon a Sathanas. Solo. In an untested 'stealth' fighter with 2 rubber-band propelled pebbles as primary weapons.
27/ command has allocated your squadron 300 sets of brand new missiles, for a deep recon in Shivan territory. The're all TAGs.
28/ You are given the most imcompetent wingmen in the galaxy - who are more than capable of flying straight into enemy craft, capital ships, each other...and you.
29/ You and your wingmen are sent into combat missions where they have an average life expectancy of approx. 2 and a half minutes.
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30. You're wingmen are suspiciously clever
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Originally posted by aldo_14
29/ You and your wingmen are sent into combat missions where they have an average life expectancy of approx. 2 and a half minutes.
Lol, that's actually a lot on some missions... :D
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31. You've faced every kind of enemy anyone could ever imagine...and some. You've destroyed them all. You've served in the GTVA for six months and flown a mission every single day. And you're still an ensign.
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Why do people keep on dissing the Zeus? The Zeus kicks ass, if you know how to use it. =_=
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Amen, the Zeus is my bomber of choice (from the original game of course ;))
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:wtf: Zeus? Never heard. Must be some bad ship, because I know good ones.
jk
But seriously, I think Zeus isn't that good. :p
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lets just say, i prefer the loki for dogfights and the myrmidon for bombing
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My favorite ships in all would be the Herc II and Perseus :p
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Stay on-topic people. We don't need another 'Fave Ship' thread.
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Originally posted by TheVirtu
2. Command has ordered your squadron to destroy the final NTF Stronghold…in Apollos.
What? You have a problem with that? Sounds like a walk in the park to me.
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Keeping an Off Topic thread On Topic is rather difficult :p
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32) Small "research party" mysteriously disappears while on "derelict"
33) Contact with a system containing a large military force is suddenly lost; Command denies "phantom ships"
34) You are assigned to protect refugee convoys fleeing from a system with a "large Shivan presence"
35) Command assigns you to guard the largest space-faring vessel ever built...and the plans for it don't match the actual vessel.
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33) You find out that Command is a big black bald guy, who's vocabulary consists of two lines "Incoming jump signature! Hostile configuration" and "No reinforcements are available pilot, you're on your own".
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Originally posted by aldo_14
29/ You and your wingmen are sent into combat missions where they have an average life expectancy of approx. 2 and a half minutes.
They should consider themselves lucky, the stated average life of a Marine on the battlefields of Starcraft was 8 seconds, and thats even after medics apeared in the game.
34. You fly the support ship. :headz:
pete
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Originally posted by Stunaep
33) You find out that Command is a big black bald guy, who's vocabulary consists of two lines "Incoming jump signature! Hostile configuration" and "No reinforcements are available pilot, you're on your own".
:D
35. Command decide to send you and 3 other pilots (who have all been involved in top secret missions) deep into shivan space and then fix your engines so that you can't leave for 15 minutes.
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36. Command sacrifices several capital ships on several different occasions to 'buy a little more time'. What exactly they're buying time for is unknown.
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37. Duct tape gets rationed.:D
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38. Your blood type is stamped onto your helmet....
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Originally posted by LtNarol
38. Your blood type is stamped onto your helmet....
39) ...And your arms. And legs. And torso. And on various parts of your fighter. Command's comment: "Just in case"
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Originally posted by LtNarol
38. Your blood type is stamped onto your helmet....
One of my friends has his blood type writen on his scrum cap for when we are playying rugby - but i prefer only to wear a gum sheild, so i cant really write on it.
40. They dont even bother to give you a cyanide pill incase you get captured or left behind in a nebula.
pete
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41) Instead of giving you mission updates, Command starts saying knock-knock jokes.
42) "No reinforcements are available, pilot. You're on your own." Right in front of a big fat Sathanas
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43/ All the other fighters have sharks teeth painted on the cockpit - yours has 'please don't hit me'
44/ Your fighter has a beaded seat cover
45/ Your fighter has been repaired with polyfilla & sellotape
46/ Command lets you get ambushed by 2 wings of NTf Hercs, and only sends reinforcements after you kill them
47/ the special-edition 'Ares' fighter you get assigned is exactly the same is a Hercules Mk.II -except it has extra fins to be shot at - and is coloured a blood red colour
48/ you get the fighter with suspicious red and brown stains in the cockpit
49/ Your joystick has been replaced with a wooden chair leg
50/ You get ordered to scan a meson bomb to 'check if it is about to blow up'
51/ you get assigned to a Vasudan squadron, and given a flight jacket with 'HEAD' and an up arrow painted on the back
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52. Getting sent to Capella to evac the system only to, no matter what you do or how good you are, most or all the civilians and marine transports die, then all of a sudden u see a bright..............LIGHT. command tells you Capella has gone supernova and tell you your only "Advised:mad: " to leave the system. You keep about your buisness and next thing you know...............Supernova go *pop*:p
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53. Your fighter looks oddly like a drone from the simulators and has "shoot me" painted on it in giant letters.
Has somebody already said this or am I being original? :D
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54: Command over-rides your order to ignore the Cain
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55. Command informs you that a beam battle between a GVA Setekh and a GTD Orion is nothing more than a "friendly, in-house arguement."
:D
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56) Command responds to pilot's suggestions with "I find your lack of faith disturbing..."
57) You're stationed on board a capital vessel Command has ordered to leave the area (see Psamtik, Colossus...)
58) A two-kilometer long destroyer bristling with laser, missile, flak, and beam weapons arrives in the area...
...and you're assigned to defend it.
59) Your quarters are located near the engines and/or weapons of a GTVA vessel
60) "Welcome to training module TSM..." 'nuff said.
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61. Your quaters have a window. Normally a good thing, but how long do you think a pain of glass hold up against to a BFred?
62. Your ship isnt a nice matcho colour, like a dark blue orion, its purple... and there doesnt seem to be any women onboard...and they play the YMCA over the intercom... and - hey, get your hand of my lap!... oh my god, ahhhh!
63. The commanders of the larger ships are placing bets how long you'll last over the comms system.
64. Your wingmates are winking at you. ;7
65. Your wingmates are wearing all black, and holding hymm sheets.
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66: You're assigned to the elite 199th Scrubbers. As such, you'll be given access to the latest in bio-matter waste relocation technology (crap tankers)
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67. You're reassigned from flying a tiny, 4-Subach Perseus at the front lines to commandership of a gigantic corvette with over 20 gun turrets, the barrels of which you could easily fit an entire cow in, and yard-thick armor plating, and ordered to defend the middle of nowhere.
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68. You've been assigned as one of Alpha 1's wingmates.
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69. You were born Vasudan.
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69. You were born Vasudan.
That would be pretty cool, actually. :D
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Originally posted by Stryke 9
69. You were born Vasudan.
70. Your home planet is in Gamma Draconis and/or Capella
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71. Your CO's debriefings always begin with "To the officers and crew of the fallen ship, GTD..."
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72. Your transport was at the back of the Capella Evac Fleet
73. Your wingman is wearing a turban
74. Your wingman acts nervously as he flys past you, continously getting off and on your 6.
75. You have a voice in your head constantly talking about the Ancients and how the human race is forever doomed.
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76) You find a mysterious tape player in your quarters. You play it, and a god awful screech goes off. It won't shut off, stop playing, and seems to follow you everywhere you go.
77) Your wingmate hits you with a pair of missiles and yells "You're it!" ;7 You know what I'm reffering to...... ;7
78) You hear Snipes yell "Dive! Dive! Dive! Hit your burners pilot!" in a dense asteroid field.......
79) You hear nothing but Bob Dylan voices everywhere.......... :D
(http://www.smilies.nl/cry.gif)
80) You see (http://www.smilies.nl/bounce/huepfenicon111.gif) on your targeting view.....
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(81) You're stationed on the GTVA Colossus...:D...
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81) Your CO suddenly starts to wear a stupid hat, and building a secret warship in a dense asteroid field. For personal education, he sais.
Gee, this thread seems to live long and prosper. Cool.
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83) As you're climbing into your fighter for another mission, you notice a bomb, very superficially altered to look like a box, taped to the side of your fighter with a note by it:
sHiVanS. SEcrEt gTVA SEcreTs iNsidE!! ->
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84. Your given an Erynies with maxim and kaysers. Sweet. Untill its energy reserves run out 2 seconds later, and command hasnt given you a spare AA battery to replace the one that you've just run out.
85. They've run out of flight suits, and instead they are issuing you with costumes for builders, indians... cowboys.... police men!?
No, not again! (see 62)
86. Command prefers to play knots and crosses than to answer your request for reinforcements.
87. Ah, my first visit aboard the GTD Bastion, the finest terran warship ever... Hey, what are all these meson bombs doing onboard? And would someone tell me why 3 Aelous cruisers are escorting us, we dont normally have an escort... And why are we heading for that jumpnode? Command?
"T minus, 30 seconds"
88. As you return from a mission and land in the fighter bay, there's vultures circling overhead.
89. You land in the fighterbay. That's odd, doesnt appear to be anyone around. You leave the fighterbay and go into the cooridor. Hmmm, no body here either. You make your way up to the bridge to see whats going on... A sticky label is left on the helm controls. It reads "This ship is being decomissioned - sorry we didnt tell you earlier alpha one". Two minutes later you crash into a large planet.
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I like Command.
Wait, this wasn't the right thread to say that... :p
90. Command usually gives you the orders to jump out last... even in bad situations.
91. You get the hardest missions. That might have been said already...
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92) (A mix of two earlier) Command knows that the life of a fighter pilot is often no longer than 5 minutes at max.
And as such they send you and your wing into enemy territory and tell you afterwards that you're not allowed to leave untill 15 minutes have passed.
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Originally posted by Kitsune
92) (A mix of two earlier) Command knows that the life of a fighter pilot is often no longer than 5 minutes at max.
And as such they send you and your wing into enemy territory and tell you afterwards that you're not allowed to leave untill 15 minutes have passed.
To be fair, you were in a Mara.
But then again, how long does the average Mara last in battle?
93. You have to do behind enemy lines recon on the shivans, but this time, instead of getting a fast, stong, manuverable Mara, you get a Basilisk - cannonfodder.
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94. Your flying escort to a destroyer, and suddenly you hear all these childish shouts over the intercom, one of which is "What does this button do?..."
95. Your wingmates are blind... deaf... and mute....
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96. Your vasudan wingmate thinks you look cute.
97. You served aboard the Stallingrad and became high on a mission (Dante's Ascension: The darkness, I loved that mission)
98. You can hear command betting who dies first on the Comm as you leave the hangar.
99. Command wants you to go in the docking bay...of the SD Lucifer.
100. You find out that Vasudans dont eat what you do, then you find out you have to eat it.
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101. Your squad number is 666, 69, or 101.
102. The vasudans forgot you can't breath Carbon monoxide when they refitted your fighter for you.
103. Hey alpha, go and see where that new jump node leads...
104. "Ok alpha, the collosus is arriving to reinforce your position now..." says command. "Uh, command, all i see is a ulysese, and its just going in a straight line" says alpha 2. Command replies "Oh yeah, FRED problem, you'll just have to make do. This conversation is on the clipboard so you can paste it somewhere else. Good luck alpha".
I love this topic.
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105: Instead of operatic theme music, the "Jaws" tune begins filtering mysteriously through the emptiness of space.
106: Your wingman begins responding to orders from Command that nobody else can hear.
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107: Your Captain begins to talk like William Shatner
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107) Due to catastrophic damage and atmosphere loss on board your carrier (which will be magically repaired the next time the ship enters a mission), several pilots are forced to bunk together. You are assigned to share a room with a Vasudan...know for his taste for heads :nervous:
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107.5) You're assigned to a massive destroyer that has more fighters attached to it than you have brain cells, and yet whenever there's a last-ditch defense of the destroyer you're the only wing in the area. In fact, the more you think about it, the more this entire campaign seems to be a conspiracy to get you killed :p
Edit: forgot number :(
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108) When the TSM series is used as a substitute for actual field training.
109) "The line of defense has been reprioritized for elsewhere in this system."
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Originally posted by Mr. Vega
107: Your Captain begins to talk like William Shatner
not a problem, unless you wear a red shirt.
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Originally posted by Stunaep
not a problem, unless you wear a red shirt.
110. Your new captain wants your uniforms changed to a red shirt.
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Originally posted by beatspete
104. "Ok alpha, the collosus is arriving to reinforce your position now..." says command. "Uh, command, all i see is a ulysese, and its just going in a straight line" says alpha 2. Command replies "Oh yeah, FRED problem, you'll just have to make do. This conversation is on the clipboard so you can paste it somewhere else. Good luck alpha".
:lol::lol::lol::yes:
I like this thread, too. ;)
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111. Your wing is forced to fly Lokis...escorting some drone of a freighter...then you notice you're not flying Lokis, but instead slow red things with the words "SHOOT ME" painted on the bottom of you hull...then Alpha 1 arrives.
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112. You're told you're in a TSM, but then you notice that you're damaged and that the space outside your fighter is very cold.
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113) "Where's the Carthage? We need reinforcements ASAP, Command!"
Command (waking up): Hmmm.... huh, what? The Carthage?
You: There's too many of them! Send in the Carthage or get us out of here?
Command: You want the Carthage?
You: Send it in!
Command: You really want the Carthage?
You (explosions in background): We can't hold them off!
Command: You really really really want the Carthage?
114) Instead of directives, you see little directions to "a hidden treasure".......
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115: You're posted to a squad with the words Suicide, Fodder or Remedial somewhere in the name.
116: You're sent on a mission to root out some Shivan fighters armed only with a bank of Cyclops and faulty IFF sensors.
117: Every ship in your squad is powered by a Meson reactor.
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118: Command orders your destroyer to prevent a Sathanas from leaving the system.;)
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119) Command tells you to park your Destroyer in FRONT of the Sathanas to stop it.
120) The engineers and repair teams at the local Ganymede can repair a Destroyer back to 100% a week after it's towed in as scrap. But they can't get it to gether to repair 20% of the most important ship in (GTVA) history within 3 months.
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121. "Uh, command, what do you mean 'draw their fire'?".
122. You go into the fighterbay and find your ship is resting on a few bricks stacked together.
123. Command is trying a new, 'non-violent' approach. Instead of getting maxims and tempests to kill the enemy, you get Aketon SDG's and Stilleto missiles to 'render them harmless' without hurting anyone.
124. The 'all friendly fighters defend me' button, is located uncomfortably close to the 'all friendly fighters depart' on your controls.
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122. Instead of Kayser-loaded Hercs, your wing is given spacesuits and baseball bats for a sortie.
123. There's a little message at the bottom of your control panel reading "Made in Taiwan"
124. Your wingmen speak with a foreign accent, and the labels on the controls appear to be in Russian
125. Your fighter was formerly used to store chickens for fleet.
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126. Your wingmen start talking like Ozzy Osbourne and yell "Sharon?".
127. Command changes you inflight music to something by Kathy Lee Gifford.
128. Command tells you to take off your clothes and press yourself up to the window of your fighter to distract the enemy juggernaut.
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128. Command tells you to take off your clothes and press yourself up to the window of your fighter to distract the enemy juggernaut.
"You mean you want us to pull our pants down and moon these bastards?"
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Originally posted by X-Files Addict
128. Command tells you to take off your clothes and press yourself up to the window of your fighter to distract the enemy juggernaut.
:lol:
129) Khonsu II commisions another bold and ambitious new project-the GTVA Gigantic
130) As you're getting onboard your fighter, you notice a small label on your shield generator that reads,"Not to be used in an actual combat situation
131) Command decides to "beta test" its new 'Combat Recording and Evaluation Equipment Planner', in its new and improved version-3.1
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132.) Your Medusa tailgunner is Marvin the Paranoid Android.
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133. Your Medusa tailgunner is a chimpanzee.
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134. You fly a Medusa
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Originally posted by LtNarol
134. You fly a Medusa
135. You fly a Loki, or an Osiris.
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Originally posted by Redfang
135. You fly a Loki, or an Osiris.
Hey Loki is cool, Osiris on the other hand...
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136) Alpha 1: Command, WTF happened to my squad?
Command: Umm, they got into the Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters. You'll have to fight alone.
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Originally posted by Stryke 9
133. Your Medusa tailgunner is a chimpanzee.
137. In light of this, you choose an Ursa. Unfortantly it's tailgunner is Stevie Wonder.
138. Ok alpha 1, since its only your 3rd mission, we're givving you something easy - destroy the Iceni - in a myrmadon.
139. The shivans turn up a supsiciouisly short amount of time after you signed on, and you only wanted to fight the NTF.
140. Due to your excellent service history, you have been chosen as the first pilot to test out a new jump drive. It doesnt need nodes to do intersystem. Only problem is, we can't actaully dictate where it goes, you'll just have to hope whatever random point in the universe it picks is quite close to a gtva ship, or your screwed.
Good luck alpha 1.
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141. Alpha 1, we're going to let you and three other bombers attempt to take out the Sathanas's four BFReds while the Collossus, with its fighter complement of 20 squadrons, BFGreens the Sath. Oh yeah. And the Collossus is not going to launch any of those 20 squadrons to reinforce your position.
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142. Instead of getting a real medal for saving the Universe from the shivans, you get a picture of one on a computer screen.
Wow, i have 30 of the 142 reasons on here.
pete