Hard Light Productions Forums

General FreeSpace => FreeSpace Discussion => Topic started by: Damage on July 21, 2011, 12:59:56 pm

Title: The Shivan Mayonnaise Theory
Post by: Damage on July 21, 2011, 12:59:56 pm: For countless eons, races throughout the universe have been divided by one eternal debate: Mayonnaise or Miracle Whip? Every race throughout creation has managed to divulge the secrets of creating mayonnaise and its opponent, whipped salad dressing. However, once they have both been created by a species, that species opts to keep one or the other.

The race we call the Ancients chose Miracle Whip. They saw it as a clearly superior condiment, as it not only incorporated the same ingredients as Mayonnaise, but also others which altered the flavor. For centuries upon centuries, as they explored and expanded, they encountered other races who favored mayonnaise. These races they conquered or exterminated as the fates whimmed, and they remained unopposed for millenia.

Then one day, they encountered a race of Mayonnaise lovers who could stand against them. The Shivans not only enjoyed Mayonnaise, but thought of it as the only true condiment. They confronted the Ancients and began their systematic elimination--removing an enslaving anti-mayonnaise force from the universe. Thousands of years passed while the Shivans educated other races on the merits of Mayonnaise over Miracle Whip. Then they noticed the Vasudans and Terrans.

The Vasudans and Terrans met each other in space, contacted each others' homeworlds, and opened a dialogue. But where the Vasudans were a peaceful race composed of one mind regarding Miracle Whip, the Terrans were a confused jumble of groups, no two of which could agree on whether Mayonnaise or Miracle Whip was superior. War was inevitable.

Things progressed slowly and the war lasted fourteen years before the Shivans arrived on the scene. After making a careful examination of the problems, the Shivans proceeded to immediately eliminate the Vasudan Miracle Whip fans at the source--their homeworld and chief producer of local whipped salad dressing was destroyed.

Then the Shivans stopped and considered. Did the Terrans really merit destruction? Did they deserve eradication? Never in the history of the universe had a race failed to choose between Mayonnaise and Miracle Whip. This was unprecedented.

Ultimately the Shivans decided to eradicate the Terrans--better to eliminate the possibility that Miracle Whip would survive, in their view. But the Terrans and Vasudans (who had seen the light of allowing both condiments to exist in harmony!) proved to be too powerful a force to immediately overcome.

Thirty-two years later, Admiral Bosch determined that the Shivan's love for mayonnaise was what prompted their actions--not their hatred of Miracle Whip. He set about to contact the Shivans and let them know that not only could Mayonnaise and Miracle Whip coexist, but that there were other possibilities in the culinary field. Did the Shivans have any previous knowledge of Mayonesa? Did they realize that Mayonnaise itself had such variations that each version tasted slightly different than another? What about the addition of spices and seasonings for regional variants? What about Ranch dressing? Thousand Island dressing? Aioli? Tartar Sauce?

These questions and more raised doubts in the Shivans' own minds. Rather than face such questions and the inevitable chaos that would result, they destroyed Capella and walled off the GTVA from their infectious thoughts which could only destroy the Shivans' way of life.
Title: Re: The Shivan Mayonnaise Theory
Post by: LoneKnight on July 21, 2011, 01:02:01 pm: What's up with this goddamn trolling lately?
Title: Re: The Shivan Mayonnaise Theory
Post by: LordPomposity on July 21, 2011, 01:03:41 pm: Quote from: Damage on July 21, 2011, 12:59:56 pm
Aioli?

So that's how you pluralize that stupid cruiser.
Title: Re: The Shivan Mayonnaise Theory
Post by: Commander Zane on July 21, 2011, 01:11:31 pm: Quote from: LoneKnight on July 21, 2011, 01:02:01 pm
What's up with this goddamn trolling lately?
All I see is a parody of the FreeSpace story. No trolling what-so-ever.
Title: Re: The Shivan Mayonnaise Theory
Post by: NGTM-1R on July 21, 2011, 01:20:38 pm: Quote from: Commander Zane on July 21, 2011, 01:11:31 pm
All I see is a parody of the FreeSpace story. No trolling what-so-ever.

Trololololol.
Title: Re: The Shivan Mayonnaise Theory
Post by: Commander Zane on July 21, 2011, 01:24:28 pm: Quote from: NGTM-1R on July 21, 2011, 01:20:38 pm
Quote from: Commander Zane on July 21, 2011, 01:11:31 pm
All I see is a parody of the FreeSpace story. No trolling what-so-ever.

Trololololol.
Ahhhhhhh ya ya yaaaaaah. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Z4m4lnjxkY/)
Title: Re: The Shivan Mayonnaise Theory
Post by: Snail on July 21, 2011, 01:26:02 pm: It makes a lot of sense, but the only thing I don't really like is the whole "Terrans are special!!" theme which seems to figure heavily in this theory.
Title: Re: The Shivan Mayonnaise Theory
Post by: Timerlane on July 21, 2011, 02:01:13 pm: Well, the Hammer of Light must have been a mayonnaise-sect of the Vasudans; that's why the Shivans let them be, after the misunderstanding with the Ramses. The Ramses was guarding a depot full of mayonnaise containers, which the Shivans noticed only after the fact.

Clearly, Admiral Wolf's comment about the HoL containers holding "Vasudan supplies, useless to the GTA" actually identifies him as a Miracle Whip supremacist, which is why the Lucifer jumped in to attack the Galatea, rather than just head directly for the Vasuda Prime jump node.
Title: Re: The Shivan Mayonnaise Theory
Post by: Deadly in a Shadow on July 21, 2011, 02:03:27 pm: Quote from: Timerlane on July 21, 2011, 02:01:13 pm
Well, the Hammer of Light must have been a mayonnaise-sect of the Vasudans; that's why the Shivans let them be, after the misunderstanding with the Ramses. The Ramses was guarding a depot full of mayonnaise containers, which the Shivans noticed only after the fact.

Clearly, Admiral Wolf's comment about the HoL containers holding "Vasudan supplies, useless to the GTA" actually identifies him as a Miracle Whip supremacist, which is why the Lucifer jumped in to attack the Galatea, rather than just head directly for the Vasuda Prime jump node.
Everything in this thread is MADNESS!!!!

Spoiler:
While this makes sense from a weird pov...
Title: Re: The Shivan Mayonnaise Theory
Post by: Luis Dias on July 21, 2011, 02:07:58 pm: I love your theory. At last some SENSE in this ****ing riddle!

(Seriously, I ROFLED all the way through! Goodjob)
Title: Re: The Shivan Mayonnaise Theory
Post by: Jeff Vader on July 21, 2011, 02:11:13 pm: The Shivans favor PRE-DINNER SNACK (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8Wu3Bps9ic#t=2m9s). Approved.
Title: Re: The Shivan Mayonnaise Theory
Post by: Snail on July 21, 2011, 02:50:17 pm: Quote from: Timerlane on July 21, 2011, 02:01:13 pm
Well, the Hammer of Light must have been a mayonnaise-sect of the Vasudans; that's why the Shivans let them be, after the misunderstanding with the Ramses. The Ramses was guarding a depot full of mayonnaise containers, which the Shivans noticed only after the fact.
Except that the Shivans didn't stop attacking them. Most notably in "La Ruota Della Fortuna".
Title: Re: The Shivan Mayonnaise Theory
Post by: Damage on July 21, 2011, 03:03:21 pm: Quote from: LordPomposity on July 21, 2011, 01:03:41 pm
Quote from: Damage on July 21, 2011, 12:59:56 pm
Aioli?

So that's how you pluralize that stupid cruiser.

I hadn't even thought of that one...lol
Title: Re: The Shivan Mayonnaise Theory
Post by: Timerlane on July 21, 2011, 05:35:11 pm: Quote from: Snail on July 21, 2011, 02:50:17 pm
Except that the Shivans didn't stop attacking them. Most notably in "La Ruota Della Fortuna".
Keep forgetting which one of those came first. Still, after that, there seemed to be no further aggression between the Shivans and the HoL. The Shivans seemed content to leave the HoL in Altair to stop the Omega transports from leaving, despite sending the Lucifer to chase them down on the way in. The Benedict and Prophecy are hard to make definitive value judgments on(The Benedict jumped in far enough away that it'd probably be too out of the way for the Shivans to attack rather than your wings, and the Shivans were too busy chasing your strike force to attack the Prophecy).

Perhaps the HoL still needed to do further things to prove their devotion to the mayonnaise.
Title: Re: The Shivan Mayonnaise Theory
Post by: MatthTheGeek on July 21, 2011, 05:38:41 pm: In all missions you see the HoL and the Shivans in, Shivans are set to Hostile and HoL to neutral so that Shivans can attack HoL and vice-versa. I think that proves the point enough.
Title: Re: The Shivan Mayonnaise Theory
Post by: Snail on July 21, 2011, 06:53:30 pm: As Matth said, the idea that the Shivans ignored or tolerated the Hammer of Light is not based in any fact at all.

We'll just have to settle on the theory that perhaps the Shivans don't actually discriminate between individuals of a species who support Miracle Whip, instead treating them as a single unit. The obvious exception to this would be the Terrans since they were so fractured between mayo and Miracle Whip.
Title: Re: The Shivan Mayonnaise Theory
Post by: Mongoose on July 21, 2011, 07:47:32 pm: Can I just say that I utterly despise the commercials that inspired this? :p
Title: Re: The Shivan Mayonnaise Theory
Post by: Marcov on July 26, 2011, 02:15:58 am: This theory is actually pretty credible, but what about the Comm Nodes? If they wanted to forget about the Terrans and Vasudans, why did they still take Bosch with them?
Title: Re: The Shivan Mayonnaise Theory
Post by: ssmit132 on July 26, 2011, 03:30:41 am: The comm nodes are mayonaise mixers.
Title: Re: The Shivan Mayonnaise Theory
Post by: Deadly in a Shadow on July 26, 2011, 03:34:10 am: Quote from: Marcov on July 26, 2011, 02:15:58 am
This theory is actually pretty credible, but what about the Comm Nodes? If they wanted to forget about the Terrans and Vasudans, why did they still take Bosch with them?
They want to produce Bosch mayonnaise due to the already existing bosch beer.