Hard Light Productions Forums
Off-Topic Discussion => General Discussion => Topic started by: Hellzed on March 13, 2014, 11:52:28 am
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Dear HLP community,
I finally changed course in the uni, settled closer to the sea, and started working on long overdue projects. Everything feels much better now ! ;)
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As a possible short term stop gap as you sort out life goals I would recommend a social hobby. I think the most benefit would be something physically demanding and preferably structured like a martial art. Physical activity will obviously make you healthier, relieves stress, and typically releases endorphins. A well taught and practiced martial art especially adds a spiritual component and an internal goal oriented structure. Even when other parts of your life might be a little wonky something like a martial art will always be providing a set of goals and an obvious path of progression. Importantly any social hobby you partake in that aligns with your interests will be introducing you to folks that share some common interests. A lot of my best friends are from my Kendo club for example.
Now personally I think a martial art is best bet but any social hobby, from TT gaming to ballroom dance, is going to jump start social interactions and provide a release valve for issues.
Anyway good luck!
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Dear HLP community,
I feel like I am at a turning point in my life.
For the last few years, I have been studying in a very good school (the kind of schools French administrators, politicians, judges, diplomats... come from), and right now I am in the middle of my first post-graduate year.
But I think I am missing something. I don't know what, or why, but something is definitely missing in my life.
Going to classes doesn't feel like it is making sense any more. I used to be very interested in most of it, now it is utter nonsense to me. Working on essays is painful, like *physical pain*. I can't take it.
I don't bond with my classmates. I have barely talked to anyone at school in the last 3 years, with each and every attempt to socializing failing miserably. This is a bit as if I was not living in the same world.
For the last weeks, I just didn't go, and I'm not feeling anything about it.
I have some very good friends out there. I don't feel particularly depressed, I still enjoy small things of life, like a good meal, or a beer in a nice pub, a good movie...
I'm 23 years old, I've been living on my own for 6 years now, but my parents would never understand if I quit and did something else with my life. They had so many hopes (which I never shared, I only wanted to avoid boring stuff, and that school looked ok for some time). My father always told me I was lazy and uncaring since I was a child. So I don't know if that's just extreme laziness manifesting in a weird way.
Now, what will I do with my life ? I have no idea.
First of all, go talk to a psychiatrist about this. Some (most ?) schools/universities have those kind of services available for students free of charge. I believe this is the first and most important thing you can do.
I'm perhaps going through something similar to what you are going through right now, I'm 26 and am going to quit the current PhD program I'm attending in the following months due to various circumstances related to those issues.
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First of all, go talk to a psychiatrist about this. Some (most ?) schools/universities have those kind of services available for students free of charge. I believe this is the first and most important thing you can do.
I was just about to say the same thing.
You might be surprised how not uncommon these kinds of issues are -- indeed I in somewhat the same boat with a social anxiety disorder that has been severely impacting both my academics and social life through the last few years. I was very reluctant to seek psychiatric help, but finally started meeting with one recently and it was one of the best decisions I've ever made.
Starslayer's suggestion of taking up a social/physical hobby is also excellent. Consider looking around on meetup.com and see what sorts of groups are located nearby.
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I'm 42 and we must all be in the same boat. I feel more of a burnout though. Again, I too am attending college for a degree in accounting and I'm having trouble trying to ready/study. Why don't we all go to Vegas!
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Hellzed, I'll parrot StarSlayer's advice with the added note that you should also definitely try to chat with a psychiatrist about it sooner rather than later. In particular (noting the physical discomfort you mentioned) if you're in your first year of your graduate program I'm inclined to believe things will just get worse and worse if you do nothing. Some people that are very close to me are going through similar things to what you're describing, but for reasons out of their control professional help is not a feasible option.
It is a ****ing travesty that Nuke is not only allowed to post this **** in threads like this but is a mod of the board where they get posted.
You know, I'm inclined to agree with this. What are we supposed to do, report the mods?
edit: fixed typo
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Aw, man, that really sucks. :( All the (present) posts have the right idea. Therapy can help, even if its just to talk and express yourself. Finding productive things like hobbies to do can help you find some form of validation.
And I'm sure your parents mean well, but don't be afraid to put yourself first.
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+1 for getting psychiatric help. I'm seeing a psychiatrist right now and it has helped immensely. There's no reason you have to keep feeling bad.
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Physical activity will obviously make you healthier, relieves stress, and typically releases endorphins.
Quoted for truth. If you live or work in a primarily sedentary environment (like studying at school or working at a desk job) then you don't get much physical activity. You'd really be surprised how much that does for you, even as much as going for a walk. A martial art would be another order of magnitude better.
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I second that Goober! The only exercise I get is shopping and making errands. Another thing is diet. There's a doctor by the name of Dr. Don Colbert who was burnout at 35 years old. He described as flooring your car with no gas in it. There is this study of a Mediterranean diet that worked better than a low fat diet. Its an interesting read.
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Dear HLP community,
I feel like I am at a turning point in my life.
For the last few years, I have been studying in a very good school (the kind of schools French administrators, politicians, judges, diplomats... come from), and right now I am in the middle of my first post-graduate year.
But I think I am missing something. I don't know what, or why, but something is definitely missing in my life.
Going to classes doesn't feel like it is making sense any more. I used to be very interested in most of it, now it is utter nonsense to me. Working on essays is painful, like *physical pain*. I can't take it.
I don't bond with my classmates. I have barely talked to anyone at school in the last 3 years, with each and every attempt to socializing failing miserably. This is a bit as if I was not living in the same world.
For the last weeks, I just didn't go, and I'm not feeling anything about it.
I have some very good friends out there. I don't feel particularly depressed, I still enjoy small things of life, like a good meal, or a beer in a nice pub, a good movie...
I'm 23 years old, I've been living on my own for 6 years now, but my parents would never understand if I quit and did something else with my life. They had so many hopes (which I never shared, I only wanted to avoid boring stuff, and that school looked ok for some time). My father always told me I was lazy and uncaring since I was a child. So I don't know if that's just extreme laziness manifesting in a weird way.
Now, what will I do with my life ? I have no idea.
Sup bro. Everyone gave good advice already, so I'll just add that PhD programs are a rareified form of hell, a Ponzi scheme in which the only payout is misery. I walked out of mine last year with no plans and no idea what I'd do. Less than a year later I've accomplished every one of my major life goals and now I guess I can just kick back and be awesome.
I know your parents and your finances might both be obstacles, but I encourage getting a real job and chasing your dreams. It can work out aight.
e: Everyone repped the physical side of things, but believe you me, when I was in grad school I was in the gym two hours a day nearly every day and it didn't do a damn thing. Physical exercise and good sleep hygiene are rarely the wrong idea, but they're not going to pull you out of a serious spiral.
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1) Find a girl
2) Merry her
3) Have a child
4) Have a second child
So... I think without those steps my life would be pointless.
Family really gives you purpose to live and fuel to run ;)
I will be 32 at 1st april.
Step 1 completed something like 13 years ago
step 2 completed 10 years ago
step 3 completed 5 years ago
step 4 completed 1 year ago.
May be that's what you're missing in your life?
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To be the other side of the coin here, despite it being a good idea to go to a psychiatrist, don't expect them to be a 100% fool proof solution.
but something is definitely missing in my life.
You're missing purpose, whether that purpose is for yourself or for another, from what it sounds like it is what you lack.
Recommended option is purpose for yourself, that is to say as others have, find a hobby that you enjoy. Alternatively, start figuring out what you're going to do with the education you've just obtained for yourself. Makes sense that it comes up now rather than before because the end is nigh. You've had the purpose of learning in order to have something for later. The problem here just being (from what it sounds like) is that you haven't spent enough time figuring out what the later is. Learning means nothing if you don't have somewhere to use it, so figure out how to make use of it. Give it purpose
There's other ways of finding purpose for the things you do, but without sufficient information (you know best regardless) only you can really figure that out
Unrecommended route is finding purpose in another, like a significant other. Reason why it's unrecommended stems from the fact **** can and will most likely go wrong leaving you in a possibly deeper situation
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When we are young, we try to do things to make our parents proud of us, and to feel you are not earning approval can leave a scar.
As we get older, we start to realize we need to make decisions for ourselves, not other people, but when you've spent your whole life being told you are lazy and uncaring, you end up paralyzed for fear of disappointing those you love, a Catch 22 is set up where anything that is not 'suitable' in your fathers eyes would just be living up to the accusations.
It seems to me that what may be missing in your life is your life.
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Could be the thing you are missing after all. I was in the same situation, I kept getting 1 digit rank in class without knowing what it means. It is more because my parents who were back then more naive than they are today, followed what others do. I just got pressurized to do well, little did I know what is the difference of getting 60% or 80% in school, and I slowly breaking inside without realizing it. Maybe I tried to earn a praise that I could never get, or just avoid their nagging? I don't know. The result? I become a highly brilliant boy, with very low self esteem and almost no self confidence at all.
I finally broke midway in university, failed half the subjects for some semesters and almost getting dropped out. They didn't chose to drop me out, but I picked to eject anyway, I couldn't stand the pressure anymore. I get darkened, or whatever it is called. A shadow of my former 'glory'. However, I am glad something out there prevented me from breaking down completely. I get better understanding of things now in fact. Maybe God think I am more useful like this than if I am a stereotypical 'good man'? Or is it just I am born too different from the others? Only time will tell. But I like my 'darkened' form.
So, no matter what, don't give up yet. You don't want to cross the despair horizon for sure. I myself haven't found my exact 'calling' or whatever that is, but I know sooner or later I will. Everything that don't kill you make you stronger they said.
Now, if only I find a way to revive my musical talent, my modernism-educated dad thought it is worthless, until recently anyway
I just turned 28 2 days ago, and I even forgot all about it until my sister reminded me.
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One of my big issues with 99% of my classmates is that they don't seem to care about anything. Welcome to the realm of cynicism.
They'll be in positions where their decisions will impact real people's lives, and they absolutely don't care.
Some weeks ago, a group of people did a presentation on internet freedom, and I participated in the debate. Right after it, some people of the group came to me, and told me "it was a good talk". Only "a good talk". Understand what they do care about is "having a good talk", not the issue itself.
If it was an isolated incident (I understand nobody can be interested in absolutely everything), I would be ok with it. But it happens every week. Replace "internet freedom" with any other society issue (employment, corruption, racism, gender issues), it still holds true.
I would be glad if somebody would actually *disagree* with me, on anything. You can't *disagree* if you *don't care*. You can only counter argument, to prove something, maybe that you are better than anyone else.
There even is an oral argument contest when I've seen people defending dictatorship in front of a board of senior international relations analysts and journalists *because it's fun and interesting*. I personally find it offensive.
You can imagine that it will change when they get real jobs, get in touch with reality. It doesn't. Or it gets worse.
Most of the people I knew, who actually cared about something, quit the school one or two years ago, because they felt so out of place. They switched to full journalism classes, or full social sciences classes, or even cooperative development.
(I had a talk last november with one of my favourite sci-fi authors, he was teaching in the same type of school, in another city, and he actually quit teaching for full time writing because of the same reason. Now he only goes back to teaching for 1 or 2 semesters when he needs money. )
(I used to work as a medical secretary, a social science interviewer, and talked to a lot of unemployed people, or people living out of part time jobs as a moderator on some internet communities, and somehow i feel different from who i was in my first year of school)
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To be the other side of the coin here, despite it being a good idea to go to a psychiatrist, don't expect them to be a 100% fool proof solution.
but something is definitely missing in my life.
You're missing purpose, whether that purpose is for yourself or for another, from what it sounds like it is what you lack.
Recommended option is purpose for yourself, that is to say as others have, find a hobby that you enjoy. Alternatively, start figuring out what you're going to do with the education you've just obtained for yourself. Makes sense that it comes up now rather than before because the end is nigh. You've had the purpose of learning in order to have something for later. The problem here just being (from what it sounds like) is that you haven't spent enough time figuring out what the later is. Learning means nothing if you don't have somewhere to use it, so figure out how to make use of it. Give it purpose
There's other ways of finding purpose for the things you do, but without sufficient information (you know best regardless) only you can really figure that out
Unrecommended route is finding purpose in another, like a significant other. Reason why it's unrecommended stems from the fact **** can and will most likely go wrong leaving you in a possibly deeper situation
shrinks only work with repeat visits, which cost a fortune, which with the state of healthcare in murica, is impossible to pay for.
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I went to University as a mature student, mature enough to be older than many of the teachers, so I do kind of understand how it can be frustrating when you feel that those around you are a little....naive as to the nature of real life or the personal relevance of Legal or Ethical discussions, the truth is, for many students it's about knowing just enough to get a bit of paper that will let them get a job, that's not a bad thing, but can be annoying for those who are looking for something more from the course.
But all you can do in life, all you can ever do, is your own best, you can't fill in the gaps for other people, you'll just end up emotionally and physically exhausted, take it from me.
As for the whole 'defending dictatorship' thing, I wouldn't take that to heart, there are places in the world where defending Democracy would get you hurt, so just consider it a symbol of the Freedom you have the luxury of enjoying, and remember, much of that panel is probably thinking 'Oh No, not Defending Dictatorship again', because it probably happens at every University/School/College they visit.
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When we are young, we try to do things to make our parents proud of us, and to feel you are not earning approval can leave a scar.
As we get older, we start to realize we need to make decisions for ourselves, not other people, but when you've spent your whole life being told you are lazy and uncaring, you end up paralyzed for fear of disappointing those you love, a Catch 22 is set up where anything that is not 'suitable' in your fathers eyes would just be living up to the accusations.
It seems to me that what may be missing in your life is your life.
I second this. This reflects almost eerily the situation of someone very dear to me. It's a very difficult situation to work through.
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To be the other side of the coin here, despite it being a good idea to go to a psychiatrist, don't expect them to be a 100% fool proof solution.
but something is definitely missing in my life.
You're missing purpose, whether that purpose is for yourself or for another, from what it sounds like it is what you lack.
Recommended option is purpose for yourself, that is to say as others have, find a hobby that you enjoy. Alternatively, start figuring out what you're going to do with the education you've just obtained for yourself. Makes sense that it comes up now rather than before because the end is nigh. You've had the purpose of learning in order to have something for later. The problem here just being (from what it sounds like) is that you haven't spent enough time figuring out what the later is. Learning means nothing if you don't have somewhere to use it, so figure out how to make use of it. Give it purpose
There's other ways of finding purpose for the things you do, but without sufficient information (you know best regardless) only you can really figure that out
Unrecommended route is finding purpose in another, like a significant other. Reason why it's unrecommended stems from the fact **** can and will most likely go wrong leaving you in a possibly deeper situation
shrinks only work with repeat visits, which cost a fortune, which with the state of healthcare in murica, is impossible to pay for.
As I said:
Some (most ?) schools/universities have those kind of services available for students free of charge.
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Don't worry about anything, both my school and a psychiatrist are free.
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Others have touched on this, but part of the issue you may be having can be caused by post-secondary itself.
I spent seven years at a competitive university and completed two degrees, and the only reason I kept my sanity was because I worked in a real job (not a student job, but actual part-time employment in a field that people make careers in) and got that weekly dose of serious reality. Without that, I would have burnt out much sooner. As it is, though I would love to do a law degree if the finances ever really permitted it, the thought of going back to school makes me shudder.
Many people think post-secondary education is a simple time, a free ride, and a constant party. The truth is that it can be easily one of the most depressing periods in your life if you don't live while you do it. I make that decision in my first year - I decided that having a life, meeting people, and staying grounded was far more important than being top in my class, and it's one of the best decisions I've ever made.
My suggestion? Take the other advice here, but if you can manage it (time wise) find a local job / volunteer position that you like - forget the pay, that'll come later, do something you like - and use it to keep your feet on the ground.
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Right, voluntary job can do you good too, if that is your thing.
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Dear HLP community,
I feel like I am at a turning point in my life.
For the last few years, I have been studying in a very good school (the kind of schools French administrators, politicians, judges, diplomats... come from), and right now I am in the middle of my first post-graduate year.
But I think I am missing something. I don't know what, or why, but something is definitely missing in my life.
Going to classes doesn't feel like it is making sense any more. I used to be very interested in most of it, now it is utter nonsense to me. Working on essays is painful, like *physical pain*. I can't take it.
I don't bond with my classmates. I have barely talked to anyone at school in the last 3 years, with each and every attempt to socializing failing miserably. This is a bit as if I was not living in the same world.
For the last weeks, I just didn't go, and I'm not feeling anything about it.
I have some very good friends out there. I don't feel particularly depressed, I still enjoy small things of life, like a good meal, or a beer in a nice pub, a good movie...
I'm 23 years old, I've been living on my own for 6 years now, but my parents would never understand if I quit and did something else with my life. They had so many hopes (which I never shared, I only wanted to avoid boring stuff, and that school looked ok for some time). My father always told me I was lazy and uncaring since I was a child. So I don't know if that's just extreme laziness manifesting in a weird way.
Now, what will I do with my life ? I have no idea.
Don't be like the other tards out there; finish your education. It's normal and usual for people to go through something exciting and then eventually become dulled and numb to the point where they question why they are doing what they are doing (been there, done this, i have my associates degree now). This is part of needing to push on to finish. Something exciting and fun never stays exciting and fun. I have to push on, and i usually have little choice in the matter.
Sorry if i'm negative about this. I usually didn't get a choice but to continue on and finish. At least i can say that much about myself, even with endeavors i choose to go on by myself. In the future, leave yourself an easy out if possible. In the mean time, you will only have people questioning your credibility and faith in finishing stuff even of your own doing. Boohoo, life is tough and boring. At least while you will not get sympathy from me, you will get advice. I am one of the few people that in a group of people that know me in person, that i can follow through.
You remind me of the ****wads i use to enter deals with in my past that i don't associate with anymore. They want me to get something for them. So i do so. Whatever it is they wanted doesn't matter; this is abstract. So i return with the item that they wanted so badly, only to turn me down on paying me for my duty to them because they changed their mind. Then i get stuck with the item and the bill; ****wads!!!!
I think that you should really work on your dependability with not only others per my experiences in my past (my experiences in the past is an example of the third party in that scenario you should never let yourself become), but definitely with yourself. Otherwise, you're only going to anger people you give duties, and feel sorry for yourself with the duties that you give yourself, especially the duties you are stuck with.
You sound depressed right now. There's ways of taking care of it. My methods you would probably disagree with which i will slightly mention here, however marijuana can help. It's no beef to me if you want to get stoned the next time you do a report, i once did two weeks worth of homework and take home exams drunk in eight hours and got an A (whatever gets you to not focus on your depression is the key). Definitely push on and keep at it. Think about the consequences if you don't (and especially the consequences to the people who helped you; NO ONE LIKES TO THINK HOW THEY NEGATIVELY AFFECT OTHERS).
I just really don't like people who leave a mess behind for other people, or the people who leave a mess for themselves that i have to interact with.
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'Finish your postgraduate education' is not nearly the same advice (or nearly as important) as 'finish [literally any other kind of education].'
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Don't be like the other tards out there; finish your education. It's normal and usual for people to go through something exciting and then eventually become dulled and numb to the point where they question why they are doing what they are doing (been there, done this, i have my associates degree now). This is part of needing to push on to finish. Something exciting and fun never stays exciting and fun. I have to push on, and i usually have little choice in the matter.
Sorry if i'm negative about this. I usually didn't get a choice but to continue on and finish. At least i can say that much about myself, even with endeavors i choose to go on by myself. In the future, leave yourself an easy out if possible. In the mean time, you will only have people questioning your credibility and faith in finishing stuff even of your own doing. Boohoo, life is tough and boring. At least while you will not get sympathy from me, you will get advice. I am one of the few people that in a group of people that know me in person, that i can follow through.
You remind me of the ****wads i use to enter deals with in my past that i don't associate with anymore. They want me to get something for them. So i do so. Whatever it is they wanted doesn't matter; this is abstract. So i return with the item that they wanted so badly, only to turn me down on paying me for my duty to them because they changed their mind. Then i get stuck with the item and the bill; ****wads!!!!
I think that you should really work on your dependability with not only others per my experiences in my past (my experiences in the past is an example of the third party in that scenario you should never let yourself become), but definitely with yourself. Otherwise, you're only going to anger people you give duties, and feel sorry for yourself with the duties that you give yourself, especially the duties you are stuck with.
You sound depressed right now. There's ways of taking care of it. My methods you would probably disagree with which i will slightly mention here, however marijuana can help. It's no beef to me if you want to get stoned the next time you do a report, i once did two weeks worth of homework and take home exams drunk in eight hours and got an A (whatever gets you to not focus on your depression is the key). Definitely push on and keep at it. Think about the consequences if you don't (and especially the consequences to the people who helped you; NO ONE LIKES TO THINK HOW THEY NEGATIVELY AFFECT OTHERS).
I just really don't like people who leave a mess behind for other people, or the people who leave a mess for themselves that i have to interact with.
This is a terrible post. What the hell makes you think telling someone that you find their behavior obnoxious will help them out of a rut? How does that have anything to do with them finding graduate studies painful?
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I personally am somewhat erratic about my place in life. Most days I love it, but sometimes I feel down. I am an urban High School math teacher, so good days and bad days come with the territory. When I am in a down swing, I usually tell myself about all the good things I have going in my life and my career. Other times I paint a melodramatic picture of my life that's so over the top that it's comical so it cools me off. Life for me has never been THAT bad, but not everyone can say that. A down swing can only go up right? That's what I tell myself anyways.
Having a job has really helped me put things in perspective. Doing something meaningful (to me) is something that was missing from my life for too long. I think spending a long time at university has that effect. (It did for me). While I was at university, I used this modding community as a bit of a release to provide that meaningful hobby that added value to my life, so I could better weather the storm that is post secondary education.
I just wanted to say, I know how you feel. I think a lot of us know how you feel since I think a lot of us are or were university students looking for something more and found it here.
Do what's best for you. It is, after all, your life.
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Dear HLP community,
I feel like I am at a turning point in my life.
For the last few years, I have been studying in a very good school (the kind of schools French administrators, politicians, judges, diplomats... come from), and right now I am in the middle of my first post-graduate year.
But I think I am missing something. I don't know what, or why, but something is definitely missing in my life.
Going to classes doesn't feel like it is making sense any more. I used to be very interested in most of it, now it is utter nonsense to me. Working on essays is painful, like *physical pain*. I can't take it.
I don't bond with my classmates. I have barely talked to anyone at school in the last 3 years, with each and every attempt to socializing failing miserably. This is a bit as if I was not living in the same world.
For the last weeks, I just didn't go, and I'm not feeling anything about it.
I have some very good friends out there. I don't feel particularly depressed, I still enjoy small things of life, like a good meal, or a beer in a nice pub, a good movie...
I'm 23 years old, I've been living on my own for 6 years now, but my parents would never understand if I quit and did something else with my life. They had so many hopes (which I never shared, I only wanted to avoid boring stuff, and that school looked ok for some time). My father always told me I was lazy and uncaring since I was a child. So I don't know if that's just extreme laziness manifesting in a weird way.
Now, what will I do with my life ? I have no idea.
Don't be like the other tards out there; finish your education. It's normal and usual for people to go through something exciting and then eventually become dulled and numb to the point where they question why they are doing what they are doing (been there, done this, i have my associates degree now). This is part of needing to push on to finish. Something exciting and fun never stays exciting and fun. I have to push on, and i usually have little choice in the matter.
Sorry if i'm negative about this. I usually didn't get a choice but to continue on and finish. At least i can say that much about myself, even with endeavors i choose to go on by myself. In the future, leave yourself an easy out if possible. In the mean time, you will only have people questioning your credibility and faith in finishing stuff even of your own doing. Boohoo, life is tough and boring. At least while you will not get sympathy from me, you will get advice. I am one of the few people that in a group of people that know me in person, that i can follow through.
You remind me of the ****wads i use to enter deals with in my past that i don't associate with anymore. They want me to get something for them. So i do so. Whatever it is they wanted doesn't matter; this is abstract. So i return with the item that they wanted so badly, only to turn me down on paying me for my duty to them because they changed their mind. Then i get stuck with the item and the bill; ****wads!!!!
I think that you should really work on your dependability with not only others per my experiences in my past (my experiences in the past is an example of the third party in that scenario you should never let yourself become), but definitely with yourself. Otherwise, you're only going to anger people you give duties, and feel sorry for yourself with the duties that you give yourself, especially the duties you are stuck with.
You sound depressed right now. There's ways of taking care of it. My methods you would probably disagree with which i will slightly mention here, however marijuana can help. It's no beef to me if you want to get stoned the next time you do a report, i once did two weeks worth of homework and take home exams drunk in eight hours and got an A (whatever gets you to not focus on your depression is the key). Definitely push on and keep at it. Think about the consequences if you don't (and especially the consequences to the people who helped you; NO ONE LIKES TO THINK HOW THEY NEGATIVELY AFFECT OTHERS).
I just really don't like people who leave a mess behind for other people, or the people who leave a mess for themselves that i have to interact with.
So he's like a 'tard' and a like a ****wad as well? Charming people skills you have there, and great show of respect for the disabled, I might add.
e: People change throughout their life, doing things one way worked for you, but it does not automatically make every other way worthy of derision.
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This is a terrible post. What the hell makes you think telling someone that you find their behavior obnoxious will help them out of a rut? How does that have anything to do with them finding graduate studies painful?
Eventually anything can become painful for anyone when it becomes monotonous. To pay attention to following through really matters and a lot of the time is hard to achieve and even eventually becomes something where the achievement is no longer of interest. He needs to put things in perspective before he makes a potentially bad decision in his life. A lot of people don't realize that they will feel differently about stuff later on. He may feel different eventually about his current situation in a week, or month; who knows. It's all up to him. I really really hope he's not being self defeating; if he is, then he won't be able to make a good decision.
So he's like a 'tard' and a like a ****wad as well? Charming people skills you have there, and great show of respect for the disabled, I might add.
e: People change throughout their life, doing things one way worked for you, but it does not automatically make every other way worthy of derision.
I think a better descriptor could have been chosen such as depressed and not disabled.
People do change through out their life indeed. And there's especially those times when following through on stuff and even the ability to make a good decision for yourself becomes difficult.
My experience with people who have made bad decisions and being unable to follow through on stuff is a person i really hope he doesn't become. How will his future decision not only so much affect him, but the people he will interact with in the future?
He does a good job of looking at his current situation. But, he needs to think about what if any decisions out of one or a couple he will choose will paint his future to be to get out of his current slump.
Forethought, following through to completion, and trying to make the best decisions for one's self definitely works for me. If you didn't know, this is stuff that everyone needs to do, not just leaving these as something that just works for me.
EDIT: Yes i know i can be quite derisive at times. But, people in his situation raise a big red flag for me since they can develop a nasty codependence with the people who choose to do more than just pity and offer advice.
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'Follow through on things' is a really bad piece of advice for people in PhD programs. Have you ever been in a PhD program? Or any kind of postgraduate education? MA? MFA?
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'Follow through on things' is a really bad piece of advice for people in PhD programs. Have you ever been in a PhD program? Or any kind of postgraduate education? MA? MFA?
Heir General. Have you moved to Seattle yet?
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'Follow through on things' is a really bad piece of advice for people in PhD programs. Have you ever been in a PhD program? Or any kind of postgraduate education? MA? MFA?
It depends on how much you have invested into it. In general, a PhD is only worth doing if you have a lot of passion for the field of study, and if it's becoming a daily grind then it's better to quit early on. However, I know people who dropped out after 5 or more years, which meant a lot of time and effort went to waste for them. Masters programs are different since they typically have a fixed 1-3 year timeframe.
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You need to be wary of sunk cost fallacy, though. I've seen highly committed, intelligent people get into the seventh year of their programs only to be blocked from graduating by their own advisors because the lab needed to keep skilled labor.
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(snipped some words)
I think that you should really work on your dependability with not only others per my experiences in my past (my experiences in the past is an example of the third party in that scenario you should never let yourself become), but definitely with yourself. Otherwise, you're only going to anger people you give duties, and feel sorry for yourself with the duties that you give yourself, especially the duties you are stuck with.
You sound depressed right now. There's ways of taking care of it. My methods you would probably disagree with which i will slightly mention here, however marijuana can help. It's no beef to me if you want to get stoned the next time you do a report, i once did two weeks worth of homework and take home exams drunk in eight hours and got an A (whatever gets you to not focus on your depression is the key). Definitely push on and keep at it. Think about the consequences if you don't (and especially the consequences to the people who helped you; NO ONE LIKES TO THINK HOW THEY NEGATIVELY AFFECT OTHERS).
I just really don't like people who leave a mess behind for other people, or the people who leave a mess for themselves that i have to interact with.
I thought long and hard about how to reply to this post. Reading it, it made me indescribably angry for all the presumptions it speaks to, for all the implied "You're a LOSER if you give up now!", the "If you abandon this part of your life, you're a FAILURE" mentality it represents, all angry'd up with some anecdotes of yours that are completely irrelevant (and sound more than a little overblown).
I spent 3 long, miserable years chipping away at a CS degree until I finally figured out (after a particularly bad spell of depression that ended with me staying at a hospital for 3 months) that a) I am unsuited for University education, and b) the stuff that I would be doing with that degree would not be the stuff I want to be doing.
And yeah, once I figured that out? I got into long and stupid arguments with my parents about how I should be continuing that education regardless, how I should just power through all those difficulties to somehow make it work so that the years I sunk into this wouldn't end up wasted.
Thankfully, my parents are reasonable enough people so that they understood the issue and backed off on that topic.
What you are doing, S-99, is not helpful. Saying "Just use drugs to get through the hard parts!", or "You have to finish this, else you're never going to finish anything ever!" is stupid. You're either creating new problems (drug abuse, yay!), or deferring finding a solution for these problems; some people may be able to live with that, but others (and I would wager most) will not be. Passing it as good advice, and using abusive language on top, is not good behaviour.
Finally, let me quote something you said in a later post here:
EDIT: Yes i know i can be quite derisive at times. But, people in his situation raise a big red flag for me since they can develop a nasty codependence with the people who choose to do more than just pity and offer advice.
This is you projecting your prejudices on someone else. Asking for help is not weakness. Accepting help is not codependence.
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One of my big issues with 99% of my classmates is that they don't seem to care about anything. Welcome to the realm of cynicism.
They'll be in positions where their decisions will impact real people's lives, and they absolutely don't care.
Some weeks ago, a group of people did a presentation on internet freedom, and I participated in the debate. Right after it, some people of the group came to me, and told me "it was a good talk". Only "a good talk". Understand what they do care about is "having a good talk", not the issue itself.
If it was an isolated incident (I understand nobody can be interested in absolutely everything), I would be ok with it. But it happens every week. Replace "internet freedom" with any other society issue (employment, corruption, racism, gender issues), it still holds true.
I would be glad if somebody would actually *disagree* with me, on anything. You can't *disagree* if you *don't care*. You can only counter argument, to prove something, maybe that you are better than anyone else.
There even is an oral argument contest when I've seen people defending dictatorship in front of a board of senior international relations analysts and journalists *because it's fun and interesting*. I personally find it offensive.
You can imagine that it will change when they get real jobs, get in touch with reality. It doesn't. Or it gets worse.
Most of the people I knew, who actually cared about something, quit the school one or two years ago, because they felt so out of place. They switched to full journalism classes, or full social sciences classes, or even cooperative development.
(I had a talk last november with one of my favourite sci-fi authors, he was teaching in the same type of school, in another city, and he actually quit teaching for full time writing because of the same reason. Now he only goes back to teaching for 1 or 2 semesters when he needs money. )
(I used to work as a medical secretary, a social science interviewer, and talked to a lot of unemployed people, or people living out of part time jobs as a moderator on some internet communities, and somehow i feel different from who i was in my first year of school)
Sup there
I did a bit of sherlocking here, and deducted that you may be studying finances or something related to corporate management, but I also reserve the right to be wrong here.
The thing is that I discovered that each of the Universities faculty will draw in people who will behave averagely in a certain way - there are always exceptions to the rule, but hey, that's what the averaging is for. Now, what I could not deduct from your quote is whether the students in your group are naive, OR if it's this what I called average behavior. However, the reason I mention this is that the above snippet gives me association of an management inclined person, where it actually isn't always beneficial to care too deeply about the people working under you. I recall detesting this formerly, but I have came to conclusion that sometimes it is really necessary. It's actually one of the things they teach in the army, your judgment can be clouded if you are too close to people when you have to make hard decisions. Generally, the role of the management is to get something organized and done, and that's the thing that ticks them.
So I don't find your anecdote surprising, it is essentially what management people look and actually also should look in. It's not actually what is being said, but how it's being said as this has the possibility of influencing things one way or the other. So take it as a compliment, you could've swayed their opinion a little bit to some direction. The thing that you actually did care about and mentioned it just reinforces the image in their mind. I've seen all sorts of management styles, but rest assured, being in a high level meeting and observing the behavior of two different CEOs actually resembles a sort of chess game. Well at least for me.
However, it seems to me that you may not be doing The Thing that makes you tick. From the brief description, I get an idea of a person who works and likes to work a lot with people. Since I didn't see anything related to selling or buying, or any sort of exchange of money, I'd consider taking a look into rescue type work (both physical and mental) and psychology (mainly mental). I'll count out the medical field as I didn't get the feeling you'd be numerically inclined, and it sort of requires that occasionally - or at least logical thinking in the mathematical sense. The earlier you find the good and interesting job, the better it becomes. I had a student who decided after graduating that he didn't want to do this and switched to somewhere else after becoming depressed. That sort of gave me a depressed feeling since I had spent a good portion of two years guiding his work. Please don't let that happen to you.
The necessary disclaimer: I'm not any sort of expert here, what I'm saying here comes from interviewing a bunch of people and turning another bunch of people down when they have applied to a position at my working place. Writing the negatory reply is an art of itself, but usually people are happy about receiving any reply, negative or positive as it takes away any uncertainities. For that reason, I try to reply them as soon as the results are in, no matter the outcome.
Also, as others said, first consider visiting a psychologist too.
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You need to be wary of sunk cost fallacy, though. I've seen highly committed, intelligent people get into the seventh year of their programs only to be blocked from graduating by their own advisors because the lab needed to keep skilled labor.
Yeah, that does happen. I think that kind of slave-driver mentality is more common in experimental fields, where the professors essentially "employ" the students to do small pieces of big group projects (and are more like bosses than advisors). Students in theory or computational areas have somewhat more independence to do their own things, although it can happen there too. It's important to choose a good advisor to avoid this situation.
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If the advisor is any good they could be graduating them and arranging a post-doc where they can keep their labor on projects since they just shuffled their student off to a good friend. Even if that means getting a grant and shuffling that over to the friend.
Okay, that sounded super elitist and is proof I need out of academia :p
Also reading the OP, if this is your first year of grad school and you're feeling like this. Get out. It's the best thing you can do for yourself. If you don't like what you're doing, don't do it when there are other options.
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I thought long and hard about how to reply to this post. Reading it, it made me indescribably angry for all the presumptions it speaks to, for all the implied "You're a LOSER if you give up now!", the "If you abandon this part of your life, you're a FAILURE" mentality it represents, all angry'd up with some anecdotes of yours that are completely irrelevant (and sound more than a little overblown).
I don't think i was being irrelevant at all. You most likely won't want to see or understand why. It's all about the high potential for people in his situation or similar to become what i have angered you with.
I spent 3 long, miserable years chipping away at a CS degree until I finally figured out (after a particularly bad spell of depression that ended with me staying at a hospital for 3 months) that a) I am unsuited for University education, and b) the stuff that I would be doing with that degree would not be the stuff I want to be doing.
And yeah, once I figured that out? I got into long and stupid arguments with my parents about how I should be continuing that education regardless, how I should just power through all those difficulties to somehow make it work so that the years I sunk into this wouldn't end up wasted.
Thankfully, my parents are reasonable enough people so that they understood the issue and backed off on that topic.
I'm glad you have made sure to make as best a decision as possible for yourself, that you got out of depression, and then that your parents eventually understood. The only thing that got me out of my depression at my old university was my parents unwillingness to see me drop out, and to switch my degree to something else. Switching my degree was the fix for me to continue. Because it's so demotivating to do something you don't like doing for years to become even depressed by it. I didn't get a choice in quitting (of course there was a choice, i just didn't care for the idea of being the laughing stock and ill tempered treatment from my family for the rest of my life), i was just lucky that the change in classes that i would be taking was just sooo much better.
What you are doing, S-99, is not helpful. Saying "Just use drugs to get through the hard parts!", or "You have to finish this, else you're never going to finish anything ever!" is stupid. You're either creating new problems (drug abuse, yay!), or deferring finding a solution for these problems; some people may be able to live with that, but others (and I would wager most) will not be. Passing it as good advice, and using abusive language on top, is not good behaviour.
It's not so much about just do drugs to get through the hard parts (and sometimes drugs do help), but more about finding really anything to help with the pain and monotony of studies if you must continue.
A lot of times in my life i still have to complete what i no longer believe in myself. Sometimes, what you no longer believe in, is what you still have to do. It is hope that potentially being faced with what he no longer believes in, should he continue on, or do something else? Really that's all that matters. I really don't think of him as a failure or someone who can't complete something. My use of the words tard and ****wad were not for calling him those absolutely, but that he never achieves what i meant by those words. Because right now, he could go anywhere, good or bad, in any direction.
Sorry if i'm quite harsh in this subject. I've been surrounded by people in real life who quit highschool and college for really stupid reasons. A few times it dealt with a college friend who got depressed because his girlfriend broke up with him, and he said to hell with it all (he endured college for a few years for a very bad reason). One idiot quit college by pissing in the corner of a lobby. However, most people get depressed, and that leads to them usually thinking about quitting college. I can only vouch for the college experience, not the phd or graduate school experience (that's why i didn't touch upon those).
The phd experience from what i gather in this thread is that it should technicly be the easier decision (to quit or not) since basicly super duper over dedicated people are more geared for it because of the time and dedication involved.
However, it's what happens after when people quit stuff that can not always be good that raises red flags for me. Not for seeing them as failures in the beginning, but seeing people never developing a strategy, direction, ambition, and plans for life eventually leads to them becoming failures in the future. A lot of this deals with people not wanting to follow through constantly for some of the most stupid reasons ever, which leaves me high and dry, with the bill, and a **** ton of wasted time over the years.
I also believe that he won't become a failure. I mentioned all i mentioned to show just how bad the decisions some people make for how it can end up for themselves, and how they affect others; all the stuff that people don't like to think about or hear. Particularly quitting studies is a big moment, should he choose to stop them, he like others will be going from one difficult situation to another (which is a given). I just hope if he does quit, and moves onto that other difficult situation being life and re-integration with it, that this doesn't become another slump, or at least not a long slump, either way because depression follows.
Finally, let me quote something you said in a later post here:
EDIT: Yes i know i can be quite derisive at times. But, people in his situation raise a big red flag for me since they can develop a nasty codependence with the people who choose to do more than just pity and offer advice.
This is you projecting your prejudices on someone else. Asking for help is not weakness. Accepting help is not codependence.
You didn't understand what i meant or was saying about codependence. I in no way meant that accepting help is codependence, I didn't even state that.
I said the people you help can develop codependence. A situation you can't think about currently i suppose. It's a situation i'm talking about where you choose to help someone out, but then as time goes on, the person that you have helped out became codependent upon you to do anything for themselves.
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Just for context's sake, the lowest attrition rates of Ph.D. programs now are at about 50% and those are historically low values!
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"Dear HLP community,
I feel like I am at a turning point in my life.
...
...
Now, what will I do with my life ? I have no idea."
I was/am in a very similar situation, having trouble with Engineering degree, not understanding/going to class etc, spend too long trying to go back, feeling like I was pressured to finish it. Eventually I decided to make the hard decision to change to a new degree which didn't have much in the way of credit changeover of my engi units, but now I am doing something I like and most of it is what I tended to do while procrastinating. I also sought help from a psychologist; it really helps to be able to explain everything to someone even though you already "know" what's going on.
It does take you to make the decision and be firm about it. The more you can convince yourself it is right and inspire yourself to do it the better it gets. Listen to inspirational music and also take the time to let out emotions (I do this via the inspirational music oddly enough since I have this weird happy = sad = happy kind of thing going on)
When you reach that point of settling on the other side of the river and getting into your new life it feels great. I try to convince myself of this even more because I tend towards negative thinking. Self monitoring and "error control" to make a positive, optimistic attitude. Cry out the lost hope and regain determination when the sun rises again :)
I hope you are managing to get things in motion and that you are beginning to feel better :)
Edit: It may be a good idea to check your health too as that really can have an effect.