Hard Light Productions Forums
Off-Topic Discussion => General Discussion => Topic started by: aldo_14 on July 27, 2002, 02:09:53 pm
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A duck walks into a bar, says 'Give us a fish'
The Barman replies "No, this is a pub. We don't sell fish"
Few hours later, the duck returns. "'Give us a fish'
The Barman replies "No. This is a pub. We sell lager, we sell peanuts, and crisps. We don't have any fish"
Few hours later, the duck returns..."'Give us a fish'
The Barman, now somewhat annoyed, replies "NO! I told you, we don't have any bloody fish! And if you ask me again, i'll nail your beak to the bar!"
Few weeks later, the duck returns to the bar, and asks "Got any nails?". the barman replies "no". the duck says......."then give us a fish!"
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Old joke! :p
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Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it was the chicken's day off!
HAHAHAHAHA
ha
ha
*dies*
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Is it legal for a man to marry his widdows sister?
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Originally posted by Hippo
Is it legal for a man to marry his widdows sister?
No. Necrophelia is somewhat frowned upon.
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Maybe, if she's dead too they can marry in heaven, or someplace else. Check the Bible or something.
EDIT: Someone always manage to post before me.
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A rabbit walks into a store and asks "Do you have any bubble gum?"
"No", the shopkeeper says
The rabbit shakes his head and says "Oh well, that's ok. I've got a motorcycle"
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An attractive woman walks up to the bar in a quiet pub, and gestures to the barman to come over. When he arrives, she seductively signals him closer, and then proceeds to gently caress his full, bushy beard. 'Are you the manager?' she asks, gently stroking his face with both hands. The intrigued barman says no, and she says: "can you get him for me? I need to speak to him", still running her hands up beyond his beard and into his har.
"I'm afraid I can't", whispers the aroused barman. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him this message", she contnues huskily. "Tell him there are no towels or toilet paper in the ladies' room"
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Originally posted by Hippo
Is it legal for a man to marry his widdows sister?
If she is his widow, then he's dead. :D
Originally posted by Pera
A rabbit walks into a store and asks "Do you have any bubble gum?"
"No", the shopkeeper says
The rabbit shakes his head and says "Oh well, that's ok. I've got a motorcycle"
:blah:
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I knew that one in a different way.
The son asks to his father:
- Dad, can I have an army jeep?
The father replies:
- Why would you want an army jeep if you've already got a tomato?
Weird joke.
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Originally posted by sandwich
:blah:
My thoughts exactly...
:blah:
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Originally posted by Levyathan
Weird joke.
No kidding :D
But here's one joke that's actually quite clever, and so true:
"Two drummers walked past a bar"
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This dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender "hey barkeep, it's my birthday, can i have a free drink?" Bartend replies "sure, toilets down the hall, second left."
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Prepare to be horrified/amused/sickened/strangely aroussed:
Two friends leave a bar after a long night of drinking an partying. They part ways after a few hundred meters and each continue on their respective ways home. The next day the two men meet in the bar for lunch.
"You look rough" says the first man upon seeing his somewhat ragged friend.
"Yeah, I was up all night having the wildest sex you could possibly imagine."
"How the hell did you manage that?" asked the first man. "I left you at 2am."
"Yeah, well I was on my way to the bus stop when I see the last bus go flying past. And I didn't want to walk all that way home so I took a short-cut across the railway tracks. As I was climbing over the fence I saw this woman lying on the grass bank. Anyway, I took her back to my place and had her in every possible position. Missionary, anal, doggy, hand-jobs, over the couch, against the fridge."
"No oral?"
"Nah. Couldn't find the head."
__________________
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:wtf::wtf::wtf::wtf::wtf::wtf::wtf::wtf:
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*speechless*
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:wtf: Right. I'm off to have a very long bath after being exposed to that joke. :p
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Originally posted by Mr. Vega
:wtf::wtf::wtf::wtf::wtf::wtf::wtf::wtf:
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amused/sickened/strangely aroussed:
:lol: :lol: :lol:
;7 :jaw: :nod: :D ;7
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lol neva done an all smilie post before
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Begone, foul abomination!
*Burns PC monitor*
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Originally posted by Mr. Vega
:wtf::wtf::wtf::wtf::wtf::wtf::wtf::wtf:
Originally posted by Pera
*speechless*
:wtf:
Ok...
What they said... :wtf:
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Originally posted by an0n
"No oral?"
"Nah. Couldn't find the head."
:headz:
well i read the punch line before i read the joke by mistake (dman my wandering eyes), so i wasnt too offended...
almost strangely aroused infact.... lol.
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I'm with Beat ;)
;7 ;7 ;7
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That was the only thing even approaching funny in this entire thread.
Bar jokes, in general, are meant to be told to people who are so ****faced drunk that if you took a crowbar and pried off all their toes, they'd think it was funny.
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*ingores certain previous jokes and attempts to bring some redeeming value to the thread*
Two strings walk into a bar. The bartender takes one look and says, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here!".
At that the first string gets discouraged and leaves. But the second string goes outside, pulls his ends apart, and ties himself in a knot. He then walks back into the bar.
The bartender looks at him suspiciously. "Aren't you one of those strings I tossed out of here a moment ago?", he demands.
"Nope," answeres the string. "I'm a frayed knot."
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hehe.....
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lol - better than most so far
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i guess... is frayed knot sposed' to be funnyer or something......?
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OOOOOO "Frayed' knot" like i'm afraid not but........ yeah, i bet most of u caught on to that now.. i think i'll just shut up...
*goes and sits in corner*
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the first couple of jokes are hella funny if u have some mountain dew and a Insane Clown Posse CD goin'
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Why wouldn't the bartender serve talking string?:confused:
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Because that would be cheesey.
Get it, ? string + cheese = :lol:
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Originally posted by Knight Templar
the first couple of jokes are hella funny if u have some mountain dew and a Insane Clown Posse CD goin'
Spam... 3 posts in 3 minutes... you think that wouldn't go unnoticed? :blah: :doh:
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[decides to slowly and painfully kill the next person to say a pun in this thread]
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A c'mon Dragon, i'm sorry, s'all good, right?
You have no idea how boring it is here!!
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Don't bash the spam so much - when you think about it, its what makes up a great deal of some peoples posts and adds humourous moments to sometimes dull threads
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three pointless posts in a row isnt funny, its just spam
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i'm sorry, i'm sorry, jeez..... (wait is this considered spam?) oh crap... not again...
ok ok now i'm really sorry
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I don't spam, I share wisdom.
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Why are you bashing spam so much? If it weren't for my spam, think of what this forum would be like!
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Originally posted by Stryke 9
Why are you bashing spam so much? If it weren't for my spam, think of what this forum would be like!
*sees a bright, happy, cheerful place where everyone is singing and dancing together*
*shudders*
Keep up the good work Stryke...
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Originally posted by Stryke 9
Why are you bashing spam so much? If it weren't for my spam, think of what this forum would be like!
Uhhh... ummhh... no comment :o
:ha:
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Originally posted by Levyathan
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it was the chicken's day off!
HAHAHAHAHA
ha
ha
*dies*
I kinda liked that one...
anyway, two elephants decide to fly to the south. They fly halfway, but then start wondering, where south is. So they land, and see a crocodile. They ask:
"Excuse us, but do you know where south is?"
"Wait a minute, I have to discuss this with the Boss," sais the crocodile and leaves. Soon he returns with the Boss, who sais
"Listen, we don't know where south is, but we'll beat you up anyways."
I have a ton of these. :D
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How do you give a redneck a circumcision?
Kick his sister in the chin.
What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies?
You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.
Why do you unload the babies with a pitchfork?
To see if any are still alive
What's red and crawls around in circles?
A baby with it's hand nailed to the floor
What's more fun than stapling a baby to the wall?
Ripping it back off.
*runs*
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Tell me, should I be more worried about the fact that someone makes up jokes like that, or that I found them funny :nervous:
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There are MANY more but I don't particularly want to be castrated by an admin.
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http://www.ahajokes.com
:D
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Originally posted by an0n
There are MANY more but I don't particularly want to be castrated by an admin.
I don't particularly want to touch your genitals, not even with a knife...
Oh look! A convienient hazard suit!
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But suddenly, the hazard suit was destroyed by John Major and the Melted Butter of Doom.
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Hoookaaay...
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Originally posted by Styxx
Hoookaaay...
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Heres one for you to sink your teeth into...
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POLITICS EXPLAINED
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh*t."
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I've heard variations of this one. Maybe I think for a few days (yes, I can think :rolleyes: ), I'll come up with some.
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Originally posted by an0n
Sandwich edit: *disgusting jokes removed here*
*runs*
an0n, I usually take things quite easy, and even if I have a strong opinion about something (like terror or Israel, etc), I try to stay polite and tolerant.
But, in all honesty, I find those baby jokes quite offensive. I've never thought about reporting a post to admins, until now. I haven't done so, but please: don't post any more garbage of that kind.
Thank you.
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Originally posted by sandwich
an0n, I usually take things quite easy, and even if I have a strong opinion about something (like terror or Israel, etc), I try to stay polite and tolerant.
But, in all honesty, I find those baby jokes quite offensive. I've never thought about reporting a post to admins, until now. I haven't done so, but please: don't post any more garbage of that kind.
Thank you.
I didn't do anything because noone seemed offended by the post. In the future, if you find something offensive, feel free to warn us - we won't ban the person or anything (unless it's an extreme case) but we can remove the offensive content.
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I've let this slide because I deem it stupid but if anyone does complain I won't have any problems removing the thread.
Show a little consideration an0n.
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Originally posted by Styxx
I didn't do anything because noone seemed offended by the post. In the future, if you find something offensive, feel free to warn us - we won't ban the person or anything (unless it's an extreme case) but we can remove the offensive content.
Well, personally I always like to solve/confront any problems or differences I may have with the person, not involving others. Only if the need arose for some reason would I bring you guys in - you
ve enough on your shoulders as it is.
And anyway, to make myself clear (hoo-boy, this ain't gonna help... :p): I wasn't offended by that post, but I did find it offensive.
Hmmm... that actually makes sense. :)
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sense, really?
bah, I have very funny jokes, but I doubt they'd go throught the translation w/o loosing all their humorous content...
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Does britany spears need to go on a diet?
http://www.top-greetings.com/G.py?P=/art/498/&C=jGl3KQIPXZWhnZz7pl6yew
:D
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That's scary
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You're telling me!
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I wasn't offended by that post, but I did find it offensive.
eh? :wtf: :D
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When Briteny Spears becomes fat, well, that's when we'll know the world's completely screwed:D
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Dude, an0n, I thought a friend of mine made up all those dead baby jokes... where in hell would you find dead baby jokes???
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http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&q=%22dead+baby+jokes%22
:wtf:
oh by the way
EW!
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Originally posted by CP5670
eh? :wtf: :D
*sigh*
It didn't offend me personally, since I am not a baby, not dead, nor have I nor my parents ever (Thank God) had a dead baby, wether through miscarrige or abortion.
What I did find offensive was that you joke about it at all. That just shows incredible lack of tact, sensitivity, and maturity.
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1: No one here has yet to spell BRITNEY correct
2: She (it) shouldn't get fat. She (it) should get shot.
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Originally posted by Stunaep
1: No one here has yet to spell BRITNEY correct
2: She (it) shouldn't get fat. She (it) should get shot.
Yeh, you shoot her, I'd rather just sha... *gets chased out by spirit of an admin*
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*sigh*
It didn't offend me personally, since I am not a baby, not dead, nor have I nor my parents ever (Thank God) had a dead baby, wether through miscarrige or abortion.
What I did find offensive was that you joke about it at all. That just shows incredible lack of tact, sensitivity, and maturity.
Actually, I just thought that statement sounded kind of weird, since you were offended and not offended simultaneously. :D ;) But a lack of sensitivity is one of the best traits around; it's just that the jokes were pretty pointless in the first place. :p (it looked like they just wanted to put something about babies in there; if they had put in "shivan" instead, it would have worked just as well)
She (it) should get shot.
:yes:
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Why should she be shot? It's not like I'm bombarded with her. I don't even think about her outside your whinings :D