Hard Light Productions Forums
Off-Topic Discussion => General Discussion => Topic started by: Vertigo1 on August 29, 2002, 11:18:11 pm
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The Mutant Hunter
by Adrian Tullberg.
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Ext - Morning - Outside
CUT TO a blonde man wearing a khaki t-shirt and shorts, and an expression that
could be described as friendly if the rest of him wasn't near-violently energetic.
STEVE
G'Day! I'm Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter! On this special edition, we're
going to be exploring the habitat and habits of the most intriguing animal;
the Mutant!
The shot WIDENS to show Steve in a large woodland area
STEVE (cont'd)
Known as the Homo Superior, each mutant is surprisingly different, thus home
to many different habitats. That's why it's important for each one to be taken
to it's home as quickly as possible, otherwise the whole species could be wiped
out. It's my aim to capture a mutant, and take him or her to their native home
as quickly as possible.
Steve hunkers down behind a bush, and speaks in a hushed tone.
STEVE
Now, in this preserve in Whinchester County, New York, many mutants have gathered,
having gotten lost from their home, and settling down here. So it's a good place
to find ...
Steve stops, and the camera PANS over to focus on a small, dark haired man,
wandering around a clearing.
STEVE (whispering)
Oh, what - a - beauty. This is a prime example of the Canadious Feralus, or
the Wolverine. Very angry, can be found in the vicinity of beer, redheads, and
according to some sources on the Internet, nearly legal Asian teenagers. Now
normally, he'd be able to sniff out us in no time flat, so it's a good thing
that we've put a little something nearby, that'll keep him occupied until we
get a little closer.
The man in the clearing stops suddenly, and looks down at his foot.
WOLVERINE
Oh for CHRIST's SAKE!
He HOPS over to a nearby rock, sits on it, and starts cleaning his shoe with
a stick.
WOLVERINE (cont'd)
If I find the mutt that left this ...
STEVE sneaks behind WOLVERINE while the mutant is occupied, then JUMPS on his
back.
WOLVERINE
WHAT THE ... !
WOLVERINE tries to throw off STEVE, but hangs on, hog tying the mutant with
practiced efficiency.
STEVE
Crikey, this one was tough!
WOLVERINE
GET OFF ME YOU FREAK!
STEVE
Settle down, mate! Now, as we can see here, this is a prime example of the species.
WOLVERINE
I'LL TURN YOU INTO A PRIME CUT IF YOU DON'T ...!
STEVE quickly pulls down WOLVERINE's pants to the knees.
WOLVERINE
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR ...!
STEVE
As you can pretty plainly see, this is definitely a male.
WOLVERINE
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE ONCE I'M FINISHED WITH YOU!
STEVE
Now, let's get this one on the plane so we can ... Terri?
The camera turns to TERRI as she stares at the exposed WOLVERINE, mouth open,
eyes glazed.
The shot cuts to a bound WOLVERINE lying on the side of the road, a black bag
on his head. His movements indicate he's nearly gotten out of his ropes.
STEVE (OS)
Now, here in beautiful Canada, we've returned the Wolverine as close as possible
to his native habitat.
WOLVERINE rips free, tearing off his bag witha FERAL ROAR.
WOLVERINE
WHEN I FIND YOU IRWIN, I'LL TEAR YOUR ****ING HEART OUT AND MAKE YOU EAT IT!
STEVE (OS)
As you can see, he's got a bit of a temper!
WOLVERINE checks himself, finding his wallet missing.
WOLVERINE
Better phone Chuck ... get a ride home ...
WOLVERINE looks around - the camera widens on a BAR near the roadside, called
THE RED HEAVEN.
Walking to the establishment, WOLVERINE heads to a large bald man painting some
woodwork.
WOLVERINE
'scue me ...
MAN
Come about the job?
WOLVERINE tooks where the man is indicating - the CAMERA zooms in on a sign
saying 'WANTED; BOUNCER'.
JEFF
I'm Jeff. It pays fifty bucks an hour after tax.
WOLVERINE
Really? I mean ...
JEFF
Lot of fights. At least two involving knives on a slow night.
WOLVERINE (interest perking)
Still ... what's the catch?
JEFF
Also have to oil down the girls for the wrestling.
WOLVERINE
Bub, perhaps we have a miscommunication of the word 'catch'.
JEFF
Nymphos, the lot of them. Sounds good in theory, but the guy who had this job
last had to be taken to the hospital for dehydration therapy. He'll be in a
wheelchair for the next month. It'll take someone with ... I don't know, superhuman
stamina and recovery to keep up with half a dozen double-D redheads.
WOLVERINE (trying to clarify)
Redheads? All of them?
JEFF
Yup. And free beer.
WOLVERINE has a blank expression, trying to process this.
JEFF
Why not try this job for a week?
JEFF leads the unusually silent WOLVERINE inside the bar.
STEVE (OS)
As you can see, he's much happier inside his native environment. Now, join up
with me next week, as we try to relocate other mutants to their natural homes...
:D :D :D
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[brandishes chainsaw]
Can I kill him now?
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*notices chainsaw lacks a chain and fuel*
Yeah, that'll be REAL effective. ;)
All joking aside, if you don't like it then hit the back button.
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Heh, just as good here as it was on SB. :D
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Originally posted by Shrike
Heh, just as good here as it was on SB. :D
What suprised me is that you didn't post it here already. :)
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That's..... :wtf:
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MD: And all the more painful...;)
I'll say this for it, it's less bad than about 90% of the jokes that appear on here. I'd post a good one as an example to you all, but I don't remember any good ones that wouldn't get me banned several times over.
EDIT: Hmm... maybe I shouldn't split time criticizing others' sense of humor and impersonating extremely rude voodoo spirits as a joke on another forum... it gets a bit disconcerting.
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Whatta.... :wtf:
Oh well... it was quite funny :D
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lol
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Originally posted by Stryke 9
MD: And all the more painful...;)
I'll say this for it, it's less bad than about 90% of the jokes that appear on here.
A jumplead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you but don't start anything".
*runs*
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Originally posted by Stryke 9
MD: And all the more painful...;)
I'll say this for it, it's less bad than about 90% of the jokes that appear on here. I'd post a good one as an example to you all, but I don't remember any good ones that wouldn't get me banned several times over.
EDIT: Hmm... maybe I shouldn't split time criticizing others' sense of humor and impersonating extremely rude voodoo spirits as a joke on another forum... it gets a bit disconcerting.
Ohh I've got funnier ones at my disposal, but those aren't exactly the type I can post here. :)
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riiiight... and what did that have to do with anything?
they day i watch a full episode of the Crocodile Hunter is the day he goes to Asia (he never seems to go after Crocodiles anymore) in search of Pandas and one of them gets horny and starts up all over him and he ends up having his man-parts lobbed off in the process... entertainment right there :drevil:
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Yeah well, you can only do so many things before they start to get a bit boring. Thats why Steve is going around the world to look at other wildlife.
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yeah..... that's the problem... that and i don't like seeing that much of a man's theigh tv or anywhere else for that matter.
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Hey, his stupidity more than makes up for it. :D That guy is NUTS! :p
(which is why I love watching his show! :D)
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and now, Crocodile Hunter searchs for Bin Laden (http://98online.com/twisted/osama_hunter.mp3) :D :lol: :D (still want that wakka smilie back :( )
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:lol: :lol:
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That was good.
But I also like south park's Russle Crow show where he goes around the world looking to fight people!!!
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Originally posted by Dr.Zer0
Crocodile Hunter searchs for Bin Laden (http://98online.com/twisted/osama_hunter.mp3)
:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Originally posted by Dr.Zer0
and now, Crocodile Hunter searchs for Bin Laden (http://98online.com/twisted/osama_hunter.mp3) :D :lol: :D (still want that wakka smilie back :( )
ROFL! Thats a keeper! :D Thats just as good as the Moe Fugger ones! (run a search on google for the WWJR site, and download them from there)