[Titan]

well, fantasy is a bit of an obsession for me, so I decided to write something for myself. Just a note- this is a rough draft. Several names/words have not been filled in yet, they will be bolded and underlined. And if you comment, please don't just say 'good' or something like that. Please point out where i have to improve, and stuff like that. And for the record, writing dialogue is like pulling teeth for me. Especially since the people can't talk the way I do.

Chapter 1: The Storm

          Night had long since fallen over the small seaside town of _________. Darkness formed a thick, suffocating blanket over the buildings and surrounding landscape. The pale blue, icy barrier the moon provided between the darkness and life was gone, shrouded by billowing clouds.
          Candles sparsely populated the windows of the houses. A sudden gust of wind tore through the empty streets, snuffing out the candles and their meager light. The random clutter of shutters being hastily closed rang through the town. The building that had once felt so sturdy seemed to wither in the face of the impending storm. Faint shouts came from the far end of town. Tiny pinpricks of light scampered along the docks, frenzied by the sudden loss of their light. They breathed a collective sigh of relief as one of the lanterns was re-lit, showing a group of sullen faces. Two of the men went to light the rest of the lanterns, while the rest went back to work.  Small fishing boats bobbed up and down in the water, ducking in and out of the flickering orange light.
          A figure stood up in one of the boats. It was smaller then those of the fishermen. He stood with one foot on the railing, hanging off the (guide ropes), waiting as the dock hopped up and down. seizing the moment, he lunged off the boat. He realized to late that he had mistimed his jump, and began to fall with nothing between him and the cutting water. He scrambled his hands towards the deck, but to no avail. He resigned himself to the pitch-black water when a sturdy hand grabbed his own and flung him onto the deck.



Gotta do homework for now, uhm... uh.... *ducks out of the spotlight*

[Dark Hunter]

Not too bad. There's not really enough there to get any sense of the story: its premise, plot, etc, so all that can really be judged is details.

Aside from a few grammatical errors, the only trouble spots I saw were:
1.  "Tiny pinpricks of light scampered along the docks, frenzied by the sudden loss of their light." If the lights had just gone out, what are these tiny pinpricks? I assume you must mean matches or something similar, but that statement could be made a bit clearer, I think.

2. "The pale blue, icy barrier the moon provided between the darkness and life was gone..."  The phrase "between darkness and life" here sounds a bit silly. Is the darkness dangerous to the life? Why would the moon be putting up a "barrier" between them? I believe I know what you're trying to say here: that the moon's illumination is gone. A bit of clarity, again, could help some.

Also: "cutting water". It's a good bit of language, but "cutting" isn't a word I'd use.  It sounds... weird when used to describe water. Perhaps "biting cold", or similar, would be more appropriate.

Yeah. Anyway, I hope my criticisms prove constructive. At least you are using descriptive language properly... I've read some stories by college students that were drier than this.

[Titan]

Thanks. The exposition doesn't actually come until CH2. The first chapter just tells you how one of the main characters finds the other. It also tries to set the mood for that part of the story, but it doesn't really provide any character descriptions. The darkness serves as both a plot element, and when someone pictures it in their mind, the characters *hopefully* wont have blue spotlights on them like those stupid movies.

1. that does sound bad, but it was semi intentional. The people aren't actually human (you find out in Ch2) they're fish-humans (heh, I suck with names, so I ignore them until the last minute  ) They eyes have a slight glow like a cats, that in some form or other, helps them see underwater (it gets dark under there, you know. I don't like having details, with an explanation of simply artist's license or something. I like to have reasoning)

2. Yes, no illuminations from the moon. I originally had several pages of the storm affecting the town, but it turned into dribbling personification, and i wound up cutting and pasting until I had something semi-workable. Ill probably rewrite/add more.

3. This takes place in midsummer, so the water isn't particularly cold. plus they're in the warmer part of that world. The cutting is because the waves are increasing in strength (there was a few good lines a little further on, but the dialogue inbetween STUNK, so i'm rewriting it). So the waves are kind of short and sharp. If they caught the boy, he would have been smashed into the boat or the dock.

[Retsof]

  Um.... if they're fish people then why do they need boats?  And instead of the light coming from thier eyes (they wouldn't be able to see through thier own glow) perhaps have bioluminecent "headlights"