[Antares]

Sorry, guys.

Welcome to Beta Aquilae, pilots.  This is Admiral Marlowe, commanding officer of the GTD Leander.  Here's the situation.

48 hours ago, the GTVA Security Council ordered all Allied forces to a state of high alert following the emergence of Santa Claus from the Delta Serpentis-Sol jump node.  We are unsure as to how Saint Nicholas managed to reopen the damaged node, but the engine configuration of his sleigh is unlike any Terran, Vasudan, or Shivan design we have yet encountered.  Immediately after entering Delta Serpentis, Santa set a direct course for the Beta Aquilae jump node.

Fortunately, Santa's appearance has allowed us to resume contact with Earth after fifty years of isolation.  Remarkably, our home planet seems none the worse for wear after five decades apart from the Alliance.  Preparations are underway to incorporate Earth's standing GTA forces into the Allied Navy, and our best scientists are poring over the discoveries made at the GTA Science Colony in Sol during the system's exile.

Strangely, Earth's inhabitants seem just as perplexed by the intervention of Santa Claus as we are.  Preliminary reports from Sol indicate that Santa himself has never made a personal appearance in all the time that our homeworld has been seperated from the Alliance.

Whatever the reason for his emergece, it appears that we are lucky; Santa appears to be on our side.  Upon arrival here in Beta Aquilae, Santa and his escort of Elf-class fighters engaged and decimated the Shivan forces present in-system, destroying the SC Gehenna, the SD Beelzebub, and the SJ Ragnarok, along with numerous fighter and bomber wings.

Eight hours ago, Santa's sleigh made the jump to the Vega system, where it currently remains idle.  We do not know if Saint Nicholas is waiting for something, or if he is attempting to stabilize the collapsed Capella jump node, just as he did for the passageway between the GTVA and Earth.  In any case, we are hesitant to intervene, for Kris Kringle's technological capabilities far exceed those of anything in the Terran or Vasudan arsenal.

Scans of Santa's sleigh indicate that despite lacking an energy shielding system, its hull is composed of a substance not corresponding to any of the 150 known elements on the periodic table, and is at least four times stronger than standard Terran neosteel.  The sleigh itself has been clocked at speeds as high as 650 kilometers per second, a measurement roughly on par with our scientists' estimates of the vessel's peformance.  This figure, of course, assumes that the ion engines mounted upon all eight of Santa's standard reindeer are functioning normally; it is believed that the vehicle can travel in excess of 1000 kilometers per second with the presence of Rudolph.

The reindeer themselves present an intruiging technological dilemma for our researchers; the animals obviously contribute to the functionality of the sleigh, but our scan data indicates that they have received minimum cybernetic enhancement.  Dr. Mina Hargrove has determined that each pair of reindeer performs a given function, with one serving as a backup in case the other should fail.  Dasher and Dancer appear to provide Santa with high-level senor and navigational support.  Our science vessels have detected strange subspace signals emanating from Prancer and Vixen, suggesting that they maintain communications contact with another party... presumably Santa's Arctic base on Earth.  We aren't yet certain, but the boys in the lab believe that Comet and Cupid provide the sleigh's engines with additional power, and may serve to generate the immense subspace field the vessel uses to make jumps.

Santa's weaponry is unquestionably more advanced than any armaments possessed by the Alliance.  Donner and Blitzen's antler-mounted beam cannons seem capable of producing a molecular-disruption effect unlike anything our physicists have yet observed, even with Shivan weapons.  Most imposing by far is the destructive power of Rudolph's nose; it was a single blast from what our scientists have nicknamed the "Holly Jolly Death Ray" that destroyed the SJ Ragnarok and atomized the remainder of the Shivan fleet.  It has been theorized that the ninth reindeer may also provide the sleigh with more precise navigational data.

The sleigh itself is equipped with a number of other armaments, although the full extent of its offensive capabilities has yet to be determined.  We know for certain that Santa's Jingle Bombs rival the power of our own Helios torpedoes, and that his Missletoe-class munitions are able to track and destroy multiple targets simultaneously.  The vehicle's primary weapon is some variety of laser/photon beam hybrid capable of ignoring energy shields entirely and causing severe subsystem disruption.  We believe that these Tinsel Beams cause a considerable energy drain, but we have yet to determine the precise power output of the sleigh's unique Fruitcake Reactor.

An analysis of the Shivan debris field yielded regrettably few results.  In addition to the remains of Shivan craft, our salvage crews recovered what have been identified as several large lumps of coal, and--oddly enough--a pair of turtle doves, a partridge, and a Terran pear tree, all frozen in cryostasis.

Attempts to establish communications with Santa have failed.  Saint Nicholas appears to broadcast on a subspace radio frequency that is slightly skewed from Allied channels.  During the battle with the Shivans, Santa was heard to remark, "You've all been very naughty", but our technicians have been unable to determine the precise channel on which to send a signal in reply.

Fortunately, Father Christmas does not seem interested in a conflict with Allied forces.  He has ignored all Terran and Vasudan vessels up to this point, and focused his attention entirely upon the Shivans.  GTVA High Command has decided to err on the side of caution, however, and has ordered all Vasudan craft to avoid contact with Santa.  His presence in Allied space has made the Vasudans more than a little nervous, and we can only assume that he is unfamiliar with our alien allies, as well.

Our orders are to remain stationed in Beta Aquilae until the situation changes.  Several science cruisers are currently monitoring Santa's status and learning more about the specifics of his technology.  The data we've gathered already will no doubt bring great strides to GTVA fighter and bomber design.  You'll be informed of any significant advances on a need-to-know basis.

Stay on your toes, pilots.  Things have been going well for us so far, but there's no telling how all of this will turn out.  Right now, we can do little more than watch and listen.  Whatever Santa Claus is waiting for, we have no choice but to wait for it as well.

The first patrol shift begins at 1400 hours.  Dismissed!

Renders, anyone?

[redsniper]

ROFL!
that's classic. Excellent

[Liberator]

AB! SO! LUTELY!  the funniest thing I've read in a while!
Thanks!:lol: :thepimp:

[Falcon]

We need 214,200 reindeer.  This increases the payload - not even
counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for
comparison - this is four times the weight of the
Queen Elizabeth.


Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces
17,500.06
times greater than gravity.  A 250-pound Santa (which seems
ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by
4,315,015 pounds of force.>
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve,
he's dead now. :devil:



from: scietists' estimates, I thought those were funny!

[pyro-manic]

That is absolutely f***ing priceless! Well done sir, though I'm slightly scared that you actually sat down and wrote that....

Oh, and yes: somebody do a mod, for god's sake!!!

[Antares]

[Knight Templar]

This calls for a new modeling project.

[Singh]

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!
This is funny.....I want some of those beam cannons! >

[Falcon]

I wonder if that bowl fully of jelly is actually a shock wave cannon?

[übermetroid]

ummm.... Fruitcake Reactor

lol, GREAT!

[JR2000Z]

[Goober5000]

While we're on the subject...

[neo_hermes]

Nice

[Star Dragon]

IS nothing sacred?

   BTW, it's not restricted to FS2, the parody afflicts other games such as NeverWinter Nights. My D&D group once had the Grinch kidnap Santa... Well soeone made a NWN mod for it and it looks like this!

You and Rudolph team up to search for Santa...
http://photo.starblvd.net/Star_Dragon/5-5-3-1073940771?m=0&pg=4&ro=4&co=2