[General Battuta]

Flaser, thanks for the critique! That kind of analysis is, in all honesty, what keeps me writing. Thank you for the validation.

Inquisitor, thanks for drawing my attention to those issues. You're right -- it's hard to edit a story soon after writing it.

While I'm letting it cool down before a rewrite, I'm probably going to send it off to Analog. They're a good market for hard-SF writing, and I can note the Dell Award on the cover letter.

I'll be rejected, but I am optimistic for a personalized rejection or an encouraging 'send more stuff!' letter. I have managed to land one of those from Asimov's.

[Inquisitor]

You never know what they might say.

[General Battuta]

Oh, of course. But I've been through a couple writer's workshops, and the rule of thumb I've heard is that you should expect 150-200 rejection letters before selling your first short story. Novels are easier to break into, I think.

It's really a tough field. Writers today apparently get paid about the same amount they did in 1910 -- not adjusted for inflation. In 1910, twenty dollars was a lot of money!

[Mika]

Ah, drunken fun in Saturday, and I missed a party where... well in any case I missed a good party that I... let's say shouldn't miss. The reason: too tired for travelling around the country in this week. It sucks, but it's true.

I read your text, and several thoughts came to mind, but this will not be an Orwellian review in any account. I'm not saying it is a bad writing, but I tend to agree with your initial judgement of your work. So please don't take this too harshly, writing is a gift very easily overlooked (and underpaid!). As a side note, 10 years younger, I enjoyed reading and writing, and still today I have considered several times to write a book about the things I find important.

To start the review with the most important observation in in-your-face-style, the text left me with a feeling of nothingness. It's kinda hard to explain what I mean with this, but I couldn't symphatize with any of the characters nor with the general theme. In my experience of literature, important decisions done by the characters require some sort of background so that the reader can relate to why such decisions are made. Also, stories can be told in a manner the reader is forced to change (or at least think carefully) his opinion, but this should be done carefully never mentioning the fact itself, so that the reader reads it between the lines - and preferably subliminally. Too much is changing and too much is told in short time in your story, when flare is starting to erupt. The dialog between characters could reveal the internal problems they each are struggling against. Admitted, it is difficult, but it is one of the best ways to describe something what the author himself wants to tell.

Also, your text bears some similarities with Stanislaw Lem's Solaris - but don't worry, it's not the same at all, but it discusses or makes the reader think about the same topics discussed in your text. Also, the theme is known for much more longer time, in the Middle Ages they were discussing if certain people that aren't guided by Christian faith can be considered humans at all. The same thing applies to any army, if soldier is to kill people, he has to be taught in a manner that the enemy is seen as not human or evil. Adding AI here is again revision of the old topic.

One of the important things in writing stories is that the author himself feels he has accomplished something important, or told a great story! Note that it doesn't need to be so fancy stuff, everyday topics are fine, it is only about how it is said! I once thought about writing a futuristic essay about the future of this country, where the main character would need to shoot his own friends to fulfil the orders of the government (and I have a terrible feeling I actually might see this happen). Sci-fi is great in this respect, since you can blow something totally out of proportion, while still keeping it under control in a sensible way.

I find it very difficult to keep my personal preferenes away from this "review" kind of thing, but there is one thing I couldn't help but to notice: the story is written in a similar style to some scientific books that I read some time ago in university. This means that the story starts with what we have currently (the basic premises) and let's see what happens when we push it a little bit further. While good for encyclopedia style, it lacks the information why things turned out as they did and thus misses the large scale understanding.

I would say that read some old children fairy tales, and think about rhythm and how much is described with a  single word in those writings (I try to avoid going too deeply here, since the factor I'm after depends on experience). So, no need to analyze them too deeply (it will ruin the thing), simply read them! Also, if you have a friend/relative (old) who likes to tell stories, listen! The pace of the speech, how language is used, and note how much he can explain with a couple words with changing the intonation, or how he can cancel an embarrassing situation with a couple of words. This is important in the dialog between characters.

This of course depends on person, but what I have seen, the general people find coherent and stylished story more enjoyable than "let's imagine this"-type of writing. But, I myself tend to prefer stories, but I rarely get to hear them nowadays. It is very interesting to listen those who can tell about their experiences in story-like fashion!

Regards,
Mika

[General Battuta]

Good points all, Mika. You don't need to worry about being too harsh -- I've been critiqued before.

I don't follow some of your later points, particularly this:

I find it very difficult to keep my personal preferenes away from this "review" kind of thing, but there is one thing I couldn't help but to notice: the story is written in a similar style to some scientific books that I read some time ago in university. This means that the story starts with what we have currently (the basic premises) and let's see what happens when we push it a little bit further. While good for encyclopedia style, it lacks the information why things turned out as they did and thus misses the large scale understanding.

It would be lovely if you went a bit more in-depth on this.

Also, your text bears some similarities with Stanislaw Lem's Solaris - but don't worry, it's not the same at all, but it discusses or makes the reader think about the same topics discussed in your text. Also, the theme is known for much more longer time, in the Middle Ages they were discussing if certain people that aren't guided by Christian faith can be considered humans at all. The same thing applies to any army, if soldier is to kill people, he has to be taught in a manner that the enemy is seen as not human or evil. Adding AI here is again revision of the old topic.

Themes aren't really supposed to be novel -- if the author made them up, they would by definition not yet be of concern to anyone else.

Thank you for the critique! You've encouraged me to post more stories and receive similar treatment.

[Mika]

I don't follow some of your later points, particularly this:

Quote
I find it very difficult to keep my personal preferenes away from this "review" kind of thing, but there is one thing I couldn't help but to notice: the story is written in a similar style to some scientific books that I read some time ago in university. This means that the story starts with what we have currently (the basic premises) and let's see what happens when we push it a little bit further. While good for encyclopedia style, it lacks the information why things turned out as they did and thus misses the large scale understanding.

It would be lovely if you went a bit more in-depth on this.

Let's see how I could explain it the best. After 15 mins of pondering, thoughts start to get a little bit more clear about this. The difference is chronological narrative versus the narrative that focuses on separate facts. Some of the university books are written in style that focuses on separate facts, never combining them together to see the timeline which lead to which. Later on, you'll find this kind of writing relatively good for a quick reference book, but horrible for understanding what caused which and how those people figured some of the things out. It allows more compact books since there is no need to add that much history leading to discoveries in it.

Unfortunately, from the start your text leaves me floating alone in the open space, as many things are unclear. While it is definetely possible to write novels that way, more time and explanation is required to clear things out. There is obviously a war going on, but why? There is no examples of the hostile intent of the AI, nor examples what the AI could do to harm humans, especially if located inside a space station orbiting a planet which doesn't seem to be inhabited at the edges of a galaxy. Sometimes the objective is to make a short writing and forces author to leave out details. But this tends to lessen the impact of the writing.

And at least I read between-the-lines that there is a large human fleet which is seeking for the AI, but why is the fleet so large to justify such a hunting action? The book 'In the year 1984' starts in similar fashion, but it is over 200 pages long, giving author ample time to explain all the things through the protagonists thoughts.

Quote
Also, your text bears some similarities with Stanislaw Lem's Solaris - but don't worry, it's not the same at all, but it discusses or makes the reader think about the same topics discussed in your text. Also, the theme is known for much more longer time, in the Middle Ages they were discussing if certain people that aren't guided by Christian faith can be considered humans at all. The same thing applies to any army, if soldier is to kill people, he has to be taught in a manner that the enemy is seen as not human or evil. Adding AI here is again revision of the old topic.

Themes aren't really supposed to be novel -- if the author made them up, they would by definition not yet be of concern to anyone else.

I think I wrote that one poorly. I listed some examples since they are something that you can look at and think if it suits your idea of conflict and build up in your sci-fi. For example, at some point I got the idea that the units in your text represent some kind of futuristic equivalent of the Inquisition - especially the person who gets blasted to hell feels like brainwashed or indoctrinated, but this wasn't fully utilized. Maybe more personal characters would suit the text well. Actually in this case, I could send you a book that I consider as an example of different personalities doing their stuff during war.

Maybe one could write about the history of the persons in the military, how they were taught by dehumanizing the enemy (shouldn't even be too hard in this case). Then, the same persons acting exactly this way multiple times during war and in the end turn it into a huge irony and mockery of themselves and their cause like you did in the end (let's save ourselves to the chip to make our minds survive the solar flare!). However, it is not clear if the person inside the chip feels anything, or is he just a flash of his memories at that point.

Not to give you ideas or trying to influence your writings, but what if they all had to save their minds inside the computer, and, there it turns out they are actually alive and keep their memories? Things could get pretty interesting when they would realize they might have been terminating humans instead of rogue AI all the time... and there is a next patrol coming in a couple of months.

Bah, I have too vivid imagination.

Mika

[Send in the TMF]

hey if you want some writing fodder i have a few ideas kicking around that you could use

[General Battuta]

If you want to present some of them, that'd be great. I have plenty of ideas, but getting more fodder to cogitate on never hurts.

[Send in the TMF]

ok sending PM