Author Topic: The Shivan Mayonnaise Theory  (Read 5006 times)

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Offline Damage

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  • I'm a Major.
The Shivan Mayonnaise Theory
For countless eons, races throughout the universe have been divided by one eternal debate:  Mayonnaise or Miracle Whip?  Every race throughout creation has managed to divulge the secrets of creating mayonnaise and its opponent, whipped salad dressing.  However, once they have both been created by a species, that species opts to keep one or the other.

The race we call the Ancients chose Miracle Whip.  They saw it as a clearly superior condiment, as it not only incorporated the same ingredients as Mayonnaise, but also others which altered the flavor.  For centuries upon centuries, as they explored and expanded, they encountered other races who favored mayonnaise.  These races they conquered or exterminated as the fates whimmed, and they remained unopposed for millenia.

Then one day, they encountered a race of Mayonnaise lovers who could stand against them.  The Shivans not only enjoyed Mayonnaise, but thought of it as the only true condiment.  They confronted the Ancients and began their systematic elimination--removing an enslaving anti-mayonnaise force from the universe.  Thousands of years passed while the Shivans educated other races on the merits of Mayonnaise over Miracle Whip.  Then they noticed the Vasudans and Terrans.

The Vasudans and Terrans met each other in space, contacted each others' homeworlds, and opened a dialogue.  But where the Vasudans were a peaceful race composed of one mind regarding Miracle Whip, the Terrans were a confused jumble of groups, no two of which could agree on whether Mayonnaise or Miracle Whip was superior.  War was inevitable.

Things progressed slowly and the war lasted fourteen years before the Shivans arrived on the scene.  After making a careful examination of the problems, the Shivans proceeded to immediately eliminate the Vasudan Miracle Whip fans at the source--their homeworld and chief producer of local whipped salad dressing was destroyed.

Then the Shivans stopped and considered.  Did the Terrans really merit destruction?  Did they deserve eradication?  Never in the history of the universe had a race failed to choose between Mayonnaise and Miracle Whip.  This was unprecedented.

Ultimately the Shivans decided to eradicate the Terrans--better to eliminate the possibility that Miracle Whip would survive, in their view.  But the Terrans and Vasudans (who had seen the light of allowing both condiments to exist in harmony!) proved to be too powerful a force to immediately overcome.

Thirty-two years later, Admiral Bosch determined that the Shivan's love for mayonnaise was what prompted their actions--not their hatred of Miracle Whip.  He set about to contact the Shivans and let them know that not only could Mayonnaise and Miracle Whip coexist, but that there were other possibilities in the culinary field.  Did the Shivans have any previous knowledge of Mayonesa?  Did they realize that Mayonnaise itself had such variations that each version tasted slightly different than another?  What about the addition of spices and seasonings for regional variants?  What about Ranch dressing?  Thousand Island dressing?  Aioli?  Tartar Sauce?

These questions and more raised doubts in the Shivans' own minds.  Rather than face such questions and the inevitable chaos that would result, they destroyed Capella and walled off the GTVA from their infectious thoughts which could only destroy the Shivans' way of life.
I didn't feel like putting anything here.  Then I did it anyway just to be contrary.

 

Offline LoneKnight

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Re: The Shivan Mayonnaise Theory
What's up with this goddamn trolling lately?
Burning Heaven

 
Re: The Shivan Mayonnaise Theory
Aioli?

So that's how you pluralize that stupid cruiser.

 

Offline Commander Zane

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Re: The Shivan Mayonnaise Theory
What's up with this goddamn trolling lately?
All I see is a parody of the FreeSpace story. No trolling what-so-ever.

 

Offline NGTM-1R

  • I reject your reality and substitute my own
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Re: The Shivan Mayonnaise Theory
All I see is a parody of the FreeSpace story. No trolling what-so-ever.

Trololololol.
"Load sabot. Target Zaku, direct front!"

A Feddie Story

 

Offline Commander Zane

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Re: The Shivan Mayonnaise Theory

 

Offline Snail

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Re: The Shivan Mayonnaise Theory
It makes a lot of sense, but the only thing I don't really like is the whole "Terrans are special!!" theme which seems to figure heavily in this theory.

 

Offline Timerlane

  • 27
  • Overseer of Slag Determination
Re: The Shivan Mayonnaise Theory
Well, the Hammer of Light must have been a mayonnaise-sect of the Vasudans; that's why the Shivans let them be, after the misunderstanding with the Ramses. The Ramses was guarding a depot full of mayonnaise containers, which the Shivans noticed only after the fact.

Clearly, Admiral Wolf's comment about the HoL containers holding "Vasudan supplies, useless to the GTA" actually identifies him as a Miracle Whip supremacist, which is why the Lucifer jumped in to attack the Galatea, rather than just head directly for the Vasuda Prime jump node.

 

Offline Deadly in a Shadow

  • 29
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Re: The Shivan Mayonnaise Theory
Well, the Hammer of Light must have been a mayonnaise-sect of the Vasudans; that's why the Shivans let them be, after the misunderstanding with the Ramses. The Ramses was guarding a depot full of mayonnaise containers, which the Shivans noticed only after the fact.

Clearly, Admiral Wolf's comment about the HoL containers holding "Vasudan supplies, useless to the GTA" actually identifies him as a Miracle Whip supremacist, which is why the Lucifer jumped in to attack the Galatea, rather than just head directly for the Vasuda Prime jump node.
Everything in this thread is MADNESS!!!!

Spoiler:
While this makes sense from a weird pov...
"Ka-BOOOOOOOOM!!!!"
"Uh, Sir we can hear the explosion."
"No you can't, there is no air in space. Sound can't travel through a vacuum!"

 

Offline Luis Dias

  • 211
Re: The Shivan Mayonnaise Theory
I love your theory. At last some SENSE in this ****ing riddle!


(Seriously, I ROFLED all the way through! Goodjob)

 

Offline Jeff Vader

  • The Back of the Hero!
  • 212
  • Bwahaha
Re: The Shivan Mayonnaise Theory
The Shivans favor PRE-DINNER SNACK. Approved.
23:40 < achillion > EveningTea: ass
23:40 < achillion > wait no
23:40 < achillion > evilbagel: ass
23:40 < EveningTea > ?
23:40 < achillion > 2-letter tab complete failure

14:08 < achillion > there's too much talk of butts and dongs in here
14:08 < achillion > the level of discourse has really plummeted
14:08 < achillion > Let's talk about politics instead
14:08 <@The_E > butts and dongs are part of #hard-light's brand now
14:08 <@The_E > well
14:08 <@The_E > EvilBagel's brand, at least

01:06 < T-Rog > welp
01:07 < T-Rog > I've got to take some very strong antibiotics
01:07 < achillion > penis infection?
01:08 < T-Rog > Chlamydia
01:08 < achillion > O.o
01:09 < achillion > well
01:09 < achillion > I guess that happens
01:09 < T-Rog > at least it's curable
01:09 < achillion > yeah
01:10 < T-Rog > I take it you weren't actually expecting it to be a penis infection
01:10 < achillion > I was not

14:04 < achillion > Sometimes the way to simplify is to just have a habit and not think about it too much
14:05 < achillion > until stuff explodes
14:05 < achillion > then you start thinking about it

22:16 < T-Rog > I don't know how my gf would feel about Jewish conspiracy porn

15:41 <-INFO > EveningTea [[email protected]] has joined #hard-light
15:47 < EvilBagel> butt
15:51 < Achillion> yes
15:53 <-INFO > EveningTea [[email protected]] has quit [Quit: http://www.mibbit.com ajax IRC Client]

18:53 < Achillion> Dicks are fun

21:41 < MatthTheGeek> you can't spell assassin without two asses

20:05 < sigtau> i'm mining titcoins from now on

00:31 < oldlaptop> Drunken antisocial educated freezing hicks with good Internet == Finland stereotype

11:46 <-INFO > Kobrar [[email protected]] has joined #hard-light
11:50 < achtung> Surely you've heard of DVDA
11:50 < achtung> Double Vaginal Double ANal
11:51 < Kobrar> ...
11:51 <-INFO > Kobrar [[email protected]] has left #hard-light []

 

Offline Snail

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Re: The Shivan Mayonnaise Theory
Well, the Hammer of Light must have been a mayonnaise-sect of the Vasudans; that's why the Shivans let them be, after the misunderstanding with the Ramses. The Ramses was guarding a depot full of mayonnaise containers, which the Shivans noticed only after the fact.
Except that the Shivans didn't stop attacking them. Most notably in "La Ruota Della Fortuna".

 

Offline Damage

  • 26
  • I'm a Major.
Re: The Shivan Mayonnaise Theory
Aioli?

So that's how you pluralize that stupid cruiser.

I hadn't even thought of that one...lol
I didn't feel like putting anything here.  Then I did it anyway just to be contrary.

 

Offline Timerlane

  • 27
  • Overseer of Slag Determination
Re: The Shivan Mayonnaise Theory
Except that the Shivans didn't stop attacking them. Most notably in "La Ruota Della Fortuna".
Keep forgetting which one of those came first. Still, after that, there seemed to be no further aggression between the Shivans and the HoL. The Shivans seemed content to leave the HoL in Altair to stop the Omega transports from leaving, despite sending the Lucifer to chase them down on the way in. The Benedict and Prophecy are hard to make definitive value judgments on(The Benedict jumped in far enough away that it'd probably be too out of the way for the Shivans to attack rather than your wings, and the Shivans were too busy chasing your strike force to attack the Prophecy).

Perhaps the HoL still needed to do further things to prove their devotion to the mayonnaise.

 

Offline MatthTheGeek

  • Captain Obvious
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Re: The Shivan Mayonnaise Theory
In all missions you see the HoL and the Shivans in, Shivans are set to Hostile and HoL to neutral so that Shivans can attack HoL and vice-versa. I think that proves the point enough.
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Offline Snail

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Re: The Shivan Mayonnaise Theory
As Matth said, the idea that the Shivans ignored or tolerated the Hammer of Light is not based in any fact at all.

We'll just have to settle on the theory that perhaps the Shivans don't actually discriminate between individuals of a species who support Miracle Whip, instead treating them as a single unit. The obvious exception to this would be the Terrans since they were so fractured between mayo and Miracle Whip.

 

Offline Mongoose

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Re: The Shivan Mayonnaise Theory
Can I just say that I utterly despise the commercials that inspired this? :p

 

Offline Marcov

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Re: The Shivan Mayonnaise Theory
This theory is actually pretty credible, but what about the Comm Nodes? If they wanted to forget about the Terrans and Vasudans, why did they still take Bosch with them?
With the rapid increase of FS fan-made campaigns, we're giving the GTVA a harder time with more violence and genocide.

~FreeSpace: The Battle of Endor (voice dub)~
Part 1/4 - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9K9-Y1JBTE
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Offline ssmit132

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Re: The Shivan Mayonnaise Theory
The comm nodes are mayonaise mixers.

  

Offline Deadly in a Shadow

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Re: The Shivan Mayonnaise Theory
This theory is actually pretty credible, but what about the Comm Nodes? If they wanted to forget about the Terrans and Vasudans, why did they still take Bosch with them?
They want to produce Bosch mayonnaise due to the already existing bosch beer.
"Ka-BOOOOOOOOM!!!!"
"Uh, Sir we can hear the explosion."
"No you can't, there is no air in space. Sound can't travel through a vacuum!"