Someone's gotta do it....
Gunnery control, target Titan! FIRE!!!

This is Captain Trayus "Bloodloss" Tren of the Battlecruiser
Night Terror, welcome to the Hard Light Productions facility. Current topside temperature is -200 Degrees Centrigrade. Currently enroute to the main station hub.
In case of emergency, plasma rifles are kept in the lockers up front, but these can only be opened by [v], an Admin, or a hyper-intelligent shade of the color blue. There is a flamethrower for your use, but due to budget cuts, it is filled with holy water, effective only if you encounter zombies (and you will.....

) In case you end up going through the vents there is a good chance you'll encounter Carl, our Shivan mascot. Just give him your lunch and you'll be fine, otherwise be assured you'll have a quick and relatively painless death.
Do not say the letters 3, S, and F in reverse order or make mention of the great blasphemer who is the creator of the Battlecruiser 3000 series and goes by the initials D.S.. If you are caught doing either of these, we will feed you to an0n.
Feel free to boost...er.....select a ship of your own while you are here, and watch out for additional welcome beams and/or birthday pyrotechnics.
Welcome to HLP, and have a safe and productive day!