I have a very serious need to vent, and this may be the healthiest way for me to do it. I don't know any of you personally, but I feel you generally have peoples' best interests at heart. What I'm getting at is, I don't think anyone will take any of this personally.
When my first son was very newly born, he was diagnosed with a semi-rare syndrome that required multiple abdominal surgeries to correct. To sum up, everything went terrific, he is healthy and almost 14 now.
But at the time, I made a decision that haunted me and followed me for quite some time. My wife stayed at the hospital with him (a major regional facility, nationally recognized, not going to be more specific so don't ask) but I went back home because circumstances made that seem like a reasonable choice. There wasn't anything for me to do, my wife would be with him, and she could and did give me regular calls to let me know how things were progressing. This lasted maybe less than two weeks, but I don't remember specifically. For several months afterward, I felt guilty for not being there despite the positive outcome. I told myself that I would be a good father for him, and spend time with him and do things with him to make it up to him.
I have succeeded and failed multiple times at this.
But all of that has paled in comparison to the trials of this last week.
My wife, whom I've known and loved for over 20 years now went in for a scheduled operation last week to remove her gall bladder. This was something that had been expected for a few months, and after one postponement due to Covid restrictions, it went very well. I brought her home late that afternoon, and things were progressing apparently normally.
Fast forward to Saturday evening, when she was not feeling well. We took a short walk, then she had a light meal to take her prescription pain med, after which she sat down to relax as much as possible. A couple hours later, she took a shower, and I went to help her get cleaned up and dressed as usual. This is where things went wrong
She felt sharp pain in the chest, had some trouble breathing, her body was trembling but her pulse was trying to race. After a phone call, we took her to the ER, where she collapsed in the entryway as I was trying to walk her in.
The doctors started treating the blood clotting that was the issue, but this caused other problems that the facility here at home can't handle properly. They asked me and I made the instinctive choice to have her airlifted to the Major Regional Facility I talked about earlier. I felt that if they could do such a good job on our infant son, they would be the right choice to handle a grown woman with internal bleeding issues.
But due to Covid restrictions (because she tested positive) I won't be allowed in the ICU with her. No visitors are allowed into a Covid-positive unit...although rules were bent for me last night to allow me to see her before she was flown away.
Since I can't be there to
...do nothing but watch her sleep and occasionally wake up for seconds at a time...I've made the choice again to just be at home.
I also have two children who need their father right now more than ever, because they are scared of what might happen.
There's also less reason for me to be physically there...all I could possibly do is answer questions and phone calls...all of which I can do here.
But again, the decision is making me feel like the worst person alive.
I *DO* believe that my wife will eventually be made healthy, even though it may take several weeks of recovery time. I have to believe there will be a positive outcome to this.
Am I doing the right thing? or am I a coward? Am I going to end up regretting this forever?
--Feeling Miserable At Home