rugby is a neanderthal sport to me. here, take this ball and run as fast as you can directly into that wall of people in front of you, who are going to try to drive you into the ground.
aussie rules - take this ball and try to dodge the wall of people converging on you or give it to someone else before they get there.
american football - 3 players play the game, everyone else push each other around. rest for 35 seconds every 7 seconds of play, complain for penalties. wave your arm when you don't want to get hit. don't forget the pads so that we don't have to use any amount of proper form for tackling, just hit as hard as possible.
