im still about chunk, and i will finish up the lines you sent me, im just having a bit of a rough patch right now. i am actually LEGALLY disabled due to my horrible spine. im no hunchback or anything, but i have a very agressive form of degenerative joint disease and rhuematoid arthiritis. (god, how like an old granny i sound....). it hit me in my prime. one year after i graduated. its manageable with pain meds, but my problem is that i have to take a LOT. im naturally resistant. currently i have to take 4-5 methadone (the strongest pain med available) with 3 advil liquigels at a time, every six hours or so. ive been doing that for 5 years now. What has messed me up now, is that my doctor is out on vacation or taking classes to meet his continuing education requirements or something, but he will be out for the rest of the month.
The reason any of this is valid to the topic, is thus:
Normally, I have plenty of medicine because i get 250 pills per month with a few refills for however many months in between check-ups. Well, it just happened to occur that I was on my last bottle with no refills, and was going to get a new prescription. Methadone is a powerful narcotic (they give it to heroin addicts) and I happen to have a very unique metabolism, which causes me to take double if not triple what most people do, and only get about half the effect. instead of knocking me out, pain meds give me so much energy i wanna' run a marathon.
before i get off track, the point is, methadone is something people steal/sell/abuse very frequently. while the doctor knows about me, his hurses arent comfortable writing or calling in a prescription for methadone, let alone in the quantity i need. (they could be labeled pill pushers, and can get in trouble with the cops.)
I understand their reasons, but its been a week since i ran out of them, and let me tell you now.... my back pain is so horrendous that i have purposely left all sharp objects out of the bedroom, and given jen the clip to our handgun.
the first 3 days i re-discovered just how bad it hurts to have most of your discs either ruptured or completely gone. I spent those three days curled into a ball of misery wishing someone would kill me. But on the fourth day... that is when the REAL suffering began.
for those of you who know what i am talking about, i sympathize with you. and for those of you who dont know, i would not wish this upon you if you were Osama Bin-Laden's beard stylist.
I'm talking about WITHDRAWLS.
you see actors portray stuff like that on tv, and you think to yourself, " oh, waaah! you big baby, ive had a nicc fitt before too, because you cant smoke in bars in new york! im addicted to ciggarettes, and here this little idiot is whining about wanting his pills. Go take some midol, you bleedin' fairy!"
No actor i have ever seen, can truly portray the depth of agony. My back was hurting so badly, i was SERIOUSLY contemplating suicide. (not planning, but contemplating) but when i awoke on the 4th day, i would have murdered my whole family and everyone I have ever cared about, JUST to get back to the pain i was feeling those last three days. Compared to these withdrawals, my ealier back pain felt like a million multiple orgasms compressed into one single one, that would last for am hour straight.
Every muscle in my body is on fire. Every movement, no matter how tiny, feels like red hot needles being hammered through your skin, muscle, and down into the bone, and ALL OVER your body at the same time. holding still is impossible, because you feel like you just want to rip off your own skin because its suffocating you. (imagine restless legs when you try to sleep, when you feel like you HAVE to stretch, but it doesnt help. multiply that by 100 and instead of your leg, its EVERY SINGLE muscle in your body).
There is no relief.
nothing will help.
Every single second of waiting is 10 years of anguish.
I have taken handfuls of every over the counter med, took jen's lortab from when she had a bad sprain, took 4 of my muscle relaxers at once, hell i have even took jen's liquid oral suspension codine (from her wisdom tooth removal.) none of those things helped. not even a little. you would think i could at least drop my pain from 100% to 99.9% but even that was not possible.
iv'e been snapping at everyone. i can't keep my thoughts straight. the pain is so bad and so constant that you cannot even complete a single thought in your head without thinking about the last day you weren't praying for death.
i know i rambled again, but i cannot edit it. its hurst soo bad.
im goign too lay down after i take some sleep meds (pain doesnt follow you into dreams. at least not physicla)
im sorry for not getting thsoe lines to you chunk but i wil still do them.
and sory if i snapped at any one herre. pain is drowning out my own thought.s
just 5 more days. seems liek 5 years.
gonna go now.
sorry again, but i will pm you when im bakc to finish my lines.
see you all laster
