@SL1, blaming the victim is almost universally never the right move. Even if the victim is yourself.
Goodness knows I understand the impulse. The feeling that there has to be a reason you feel this awful, and maybe it’s because you deserve it? Look, none of us is perfect. None of us doesn’t have a banner flapping behind us of all our many regrets. Not if we’re being honest with ourselves. But unless you’ve made it your mission in life to make someone else miserable, spare yourself the lash. You feel this way because you are depressed. It is a biochemical symptom of depression.
The drugs? They can help, but at least in my experience, they aren’t a cure. And like Scourge said, it is almost impossible to know in advance which will help and which will hurt. And most of them take weeks before your system has equilibrated enough to tell. The change from one to another is almost always worse than whatever ground state you started from. Please be patient.
One thing I definitely sympathize with is there’s no pill you can take that will fix your job, fix your isolation, or change the circumstances you are living in. Hard as it is when you feel like you are living in at the bottom of a well, some changes you have to force your way through.
I’m not exactly a shining example of mental health. I’ve got an anxiety disorder which used to be crippling to the point of constant fear-induced nausea. Felt sick so I wouldn’t eat, so I’d get so hungry I’d get more nauseated and you get the picture. 2 years of that. But I’m better now. I’m not the picture of mental health. Still on meds and probably will be the rest of my life, but I’m worlds better than I was. For me, i had to give up on academia and move over 1800 miles south, but it got me out of a toxic environment so I could at least start to put my life back together.
Don’t be afraid to think big. You’re worth it.
