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Maybe i'm awkward, but i enjoy cheesy jokes for their absolute retarded creativity regardless of whether or not they make people laugh. There's a cheese meter for this kind of thing too. 1 is you made someone chuckle, 2 is it hurt their brain so much it lowered their IQ to 50.
Anyone got any good ones?
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Why are pirates always angry?
They just arrrr
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(http://www.enews.org/blog/_pics/YouTube_ConfuseIdiot.jpg)
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:lol: That ones great. currently queuing up the youtube video since i'm on dialup.
I'm also trying to beef up my cheesy joke repertoire. Of course i know only one which is the one i made up. It's a pretty awful one though i made sure of that; it's sure to make you feel dumb.
How does hitler eat his food?
He adolf his plate.
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What do you get when you throw a grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart
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Sthere's a barman standing behind the bar in a quiet county pub in the later afternoon, after the lunch rush but before the after-wok crowd. The front room's empty, when all of a sudden, the front door opens and in hops a little white rabbit. The rabbit jumps up onto a stool, slaps a 10 dollar note on the counter and says "I'll have a beer and a ham and cheese toastie please."
The barman, of course, is naturallya little surprised, but the rabbit has money and the bar's dead, so he makes the toastie and purs the beer and hands them to the rabbit, who eats, drinks and then jumps off is stool and out the door. The barman, of course, is still a little shaken by the prospect of a talking rabbit, but he goes on with his shift nonetheless.
Anyway, the next day, same time, same thing happens, rabbit walks in, "Ham and cheese toatie and a beer thanks mate" - only this time there are people in the bar who also see the rabbit. They tell their mates, who come down to the pub the next day to see the talking rabbit and sure enough, he appears.
Anyway, this continues for several weeks, and begins to draw huge crowds every afternoon, until one day, the barman makes a terrible discovery. Just a few minutes before the rabbit is due to arrive, he realizes that the kitchen is out of cheese. It's too late to go to the shop and get some, and so they wait, the seconds ticking by, the tension in the air so thick you could cut it with a knife. And then, right on time, in hops the rabbit. He hops up to the bar, onto his favourite stool, slaps down a $10 note and says "Beer and a ham and cheese toastie thanks mate."
The barman replies "You can have your beer, but I'm afraid we've run out of cheese for your toastie. But don't worry! I'll make you a ham and onion toastie instead - it'll be fine."
The rabbit looks a bit worried now "Ham and onion? Will I like it?"
"Yeah, yeah, they're great. No worries!"
The rabbit thinks for a few moments then nods his agreement. So the barman makes his toastie, pours his beer, and the rabbit eats, drinks and hops away.
After that day, the rabbit was never seen again in the bar. People kept coming to see the rabbit, but after dozens of no shows, even the die hards stopped coming. And then one day, months later, on a quiet afternoon in an empty bar, the barman's cleaning glasses when suddenly a ghost appears! It's the white rabbit!
"You bastard!" Yells the rabbit "You prick! You killed me!"
The barman, of course, is shocked "No! No, you were fine when you left last time! What happened - how could you have died?"
"I'm a rabbit you fool! I died of mixin-my-toasties!"
:lol:
Yep. You read all through that for that :D
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I was half expecting "****ing Batman" :p
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A man walks into a bar and says "ouch!" :nervous:
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This one's a tad blue. . .
My wife just found out she's adopted. She's devastated, & kept asking "Why didnt they want me?" I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked me 2 make love 2 her, which led to more tears. On reflection, banging her up the arse & shouting "WHO'S YOUR DADDY?!" was a little insensitive.
I did warn ya. ;7
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or brown? ;p
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This one's a tad blue. . .
My wife just found out she's adopted. She's devastated, & kept asking "Why didnt they want me?" I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked me 2 make love 2 her, which led to more tears. On reflection, banging her up the arse & shouting "WHO'S YOUR DADDY?!" was a little insensitive.
I did warn ya. ;7
L-O-L. Well done Dekker. :lol:
What do you call a car with a bunch of chavs in it?
A chavrolet.
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What do you call a lesbian driving a Dodge Sprinter full of penises?
A dick van dyke.
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what do you get when you put a baby in a pot of boiling water
soup
what do you get when you put a baby in a blender
an erection
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What have you got when a bunch of thieves wash up on shore?
A Crime Wave
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Blonde wife painting house, husband walks in and cant believe she's doing so well.But has to ask her why she is wearing a leather jacket & a parka, she said! Er hellooo read the ****ing tin it says for best results put on 2 coats!
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There was once a great king, who suspected the members of his court of conspiring against him. He had one count captured and tortured so he would confess, but he refused.
Finally, he ordered the count beheaded. Just as the axe was falling, he yelled, "I'll talk, I'll talk!" Alas it was too late.
The moral, Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken.
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so
they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since
everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a
rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but
they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close.
They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart,
the roughest and most vicious Thug in town to "persuade"
them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed Their store,
saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can
prevent florist friars.
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Whats the last thing that goes through a fly's mind as it hits a car windscreen?
It's arse
What do you call a fish with no eye?
fsh
What do you call a dear with no eye?
No eye dear
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(Works best verbally)
Two whales are sitting at a bar. The first whale turns to the other and says:
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
(continue in this fasion for about 3 minutes)
So the second whale replies:
*take a deep breath*
"What?"
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What do you call a dozen lawyers up to their necks in sand?
Insufficient sand
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Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
;P
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Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
;P
:wakka:
That's, just.... Heh.
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Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
;P
OMG lol. Funniest new joke in YEARS!
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Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
;P
OMG lol. Funniest new joke in YEARS!
Oldest funny joke so far.
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:(
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Don't worry. That's not my real opinion of the female gender ;-)
I just appreciate a cheeky joke.
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:(
Oh Battuta, it was funny. :p
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Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
;P
hahaha nice one :lol:
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Okay, I really don't want to take this thread in the wrong direction, but let me just say:
It's not a PC cap. Ever since I learned about stereotype threat I can't help but think that, as funny as I think the jokes are, we're doing something wrong when we let that stuff slide.
My reaction is not exactly popular at parties, and it's frequently really awkward, but I just get this nagging feeling.
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Don't apologise. Individual reactions are individual and therefore justified.
Your opinion is noted. ;)
Now. . . . .
Two mexicans lost in the desert. They see a tree in the distance draped with juicy bacon. One of them says "Go on Pepe' ees a bacon tree, we ares saved!"
So Pepe' runs off and within fifty yards of the tree he's raked with gunfire. He turns to his friend and with his final breath utters. . . . "Jose' run for jour life! Ees no bacon tree, EETS A HAM BUSH. . . .'
That's one of my cleaner ones.
But jokes need a situation subject or target medium to be conveyed easily.
Stereotypes are convenient. For the record i'd just like to say I know MUCH MUCH worse but i'd get banned for sure even though i'm not biased against anyone or particular social/ethnic group ;)
Except Zods.
Oooh, I just thought this up.
What do you call thirty thousand zod refugees fleeing Vasuda prime?
AN OVERSIGHT!
:nervous:
It's all in jest :D
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Something I made up a few years ago:
What do you call a dumb light?
Pretty dim.
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What do you call a dear with no eye?
No eye dear
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs then?
Still no eye deer
:p
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I have a friend who specializes in cheesy pick up lines. Two of the better ones have similar ends.
What do you call a fat eskimo?
An icebreaker. Hi, I'm _______
How much does a polar bear weigh?
Just enough to break the ice. Hi, I'm _______
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Re: Battuta
I'm sorry if that was in poor taste, I meant it as a cheesy joke. I don't actually suggest/believe such a thing about the female gender. :)
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Oh, I know, and we all know jokes like that are funny. I certainly don't think less of people who tell them.
I've just started to think that maybe there's something more subtle going on we need to be wary of.
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I knew there was a reason I was staying out of this thread.
For the record, I do think less of people who tell sexist jokes.
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I've just started to think that maybe there's something more subtle going on we need to be wary of.
Of course there is, I mean, we are mostly a mens/boys club, sexism is there from time to time. I find these jokes absolutely bloody hilarious, same going for racist jokes (Indian/Sri Lankan included, how do you think my mates gave me the title of Dilmah?), blonde jokes, etc etc, but I agree to some extent with Battuta. There are women here, and if they find it offensive... At least keep it a bit more subtle. :P
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This one's not sexist. . . .
I don't see the fuss about Haiiti, I mean on a friday night out I have trouble finding my house after a few aftershocks but I don't go on and on about it. . . .
It's Dekkerist. More jokes please :)
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In New York they named a street after Chuck Norris in recogninition for the many times he saved the city.
However, after thousands of deaths, they had to re-name the street.
NOBODY crosses Chuck Norris and lives!
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What is a snail?
A slug with a crash helmet.
How do you survive the electric chair?
Insulate your underpants.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with peanut butter?
Either peanut butter that never forgets, or an elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
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What do you get if you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?
Elephino (if you don't get it, say it out loud)
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Here's another that'll super cheese.
The number one thing people asked while looking for saddam
Know anybody hussein'im?
A better one for good measure.
A lady goes to the bank to withdraw some money. She's standing in a long line and she's pregnant with twins. Then the bank gets robbed. The robbers were a little trigger happy in making everybody lay down on the floor. She took two bullets to the womb, the cops foiled the robbery, and she was on her way to the hospital. The doctors said her babies would be fine. So, a couple of months later she gives birth to a girl and a boy.
12 years later passes and her daughter comes running into the room crying about how she pee'd a bullet when she went to the bathroom. Her mom calms her daughter down, and tells her the story that happened at the bank. A minute later her son comes in crying, and she tells him it'll be alright and to calm down and was about to tell him the story when he said...
I was masturbating and I shot the dog!
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I thought i was the worlds greatest lover...
Turns out my girlfriend was just asthmatic XD
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Eh, this one has to be spoken really...
What did Saddam Hussein and Little Miss Muffet have in common?
They both had Kurds in their way
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I have a friend who specializes in cheesy pick up lines. Two of the better ones have similar ends.
What do you call a fat eskimo?
An icebreaker. Hi, I'm _______
How much does a polar bear weigh?
Just enough to break the ice. Hi, I'm _______
the real trick is to do these in your best William Adama impression, complete with dramatic pauses (imagine a shaky camera zooming in on your face around the period)
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Hahaha, that got a good laugh out of me. :lol:
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My dog is a nuisance. He chases everyone on a bicycle. What should I do?
Take his bike away.
My dog saw a sign that said "WET PAINT".
So he did.
Have you ever heard about the idiotic karate soldier?
The first time he saluted, he nearly killed himself.
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Have you ever heard about the idiotic karate soldier?
The first time he saluted, he nearly killed himself.
lol
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“Three Jaffa meet on a neutral planet.
It is a tense moment.
The Serpent guard’s eyes glow.
The Horus guard’s beak glistens.
The Setesh guard’s … nose drips.”
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Boy: Why did you throw my homework in the bin?
Teacher: Because it was trash.
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“Three Jaffa meet on a neutral planet.
It is a tense moment.
The Serpent guard’s eyes glow.
The Horus guard’s beak glistens.
The Setesh guard’s … nose drips.”
:lol:
Classic.
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what do you call an igloo without a toilet
an ig
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Hehe, British slang humor :lol:
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you
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What is red and shaped like a bucket?
A red bucket.
What is blue and shaped like a bucket?
A red bucket in disguise.
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This one's just a one-liner, so:
Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
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"Two atoms are in a bar, one turns to the other and says, 'I believe I lost an electron'. The other atom says, 'are you sure?' to which the first atom replies. 'I'm positive.'"
"A neutron walks into a bar 'how much for a drink?' he asks. The bartender replies 'For you, no charge'
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... Those all came from Fallout 3. I recognize them.
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No, they didn't. Fallout 3 got them from somewhere else. Namely, decades of physicists.
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Eh, what the hell, then.
"I was going to the clairvoyant's meeting, but it was cancelled due to unforseen circumstances."
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No, they didn't. Fallout 3 got them from somewhere else. Namely, decades of physicists.
Yea they were in Mass Effect 1 as well, but are played off with "I've heard this one" :P
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/me holds his fist in front of him.
Light.
/me raises the fist above his head.
Highlight.
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....
That one is so awful, that it literally hurts. :(
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Yeah, I know. It was the only one I could think of at that time. :blah:
Would you rather I refer to joke books?
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here's an old one to get me slammed that i was reminded of on CS last night
*read out in that droning news reader voice*
There were reports today of a midget being mugged
Police are surprised the crook stuped so low
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How do you make your girlfriend speechless?
Use sealing tape.
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Ooorrrr. . . . . .
How do you make your girlfriend speechless?
I'm not going to lower the tone. Shame on you all for your disgusting imaginations. . . .
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Should I delete my post? It was meant in jest, but apparently, it can also be pretty insulting. :nervous:
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It's fine. :D
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It's funneh!
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Why does Snoop Dogg have an umbrella?
Fo drizzle
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Just bought an Alexander mcqueen shirt. Bit tight round the neck........but it hangs well!
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Just bought an Alexander mcqueen shirt. Bit tight round the neck........but it hangs well!
I had to do some research to even get that joke...
I'd say it was a bit tasteless, but it's in good company in this thread. :p
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Every other joke I heard this week is INCREDIBLY offensive to numerous demographics, so I can't post them here :D i'd have to boot myself out. . . .
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[joke]
Earlier this week I went to get an HIV test. The receptionist told me to...
...think positive.
[/joke]
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[joke]
Earlier this week I went to get an HIV test. The receptionist told me to...
...think positive.
[/joke]
I'm not just sure that that joke was bad,
I'm HIV positive.
[/horrible]
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I phoned in sick today, my boss said "well how sick are you"
so i said " well im lying in bed with my sister so you decide"
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:bump:
Doctor Johnson a young respected expert in his field one day lets his rampant libido get the better of him and he does up sleeping with a patient.
The next day, he wakes up wracked with guilt. In one ear his concience tells him he's single and not to worry, how he deserves love and companionship as much as any other man. The other voice, the one that tells him why it was wrong, just says.
YOU'RE A VET YOU SICK ****.
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An absent-minded judge said the following to a dentist:
Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?
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/me holds his fist in front of him.
Light.
/me raises the fist above his head.
Highlight.
:lol: