#1. I don't know if it's your wording, but you kind of sound like a complete asshole.
I'm indeed an asshole. I'm also a nice guy. My wording would probably be better, but, i also didn't want to make this into even more of a wall of text for starting a topic.
Maybe next time she wants to watch TV you say: "I think I'm going to go for a walk for a bit, you're welcome to come along if you like."
It seems like a more fair relationship when both people in it try to meet the needs of the other.
If you're in "get out" mode I think you should be straight up with her. At least let her know how spread thin you are in terms of time.
I've tried. Sometimes she goes for this. A lot of times she wont. She likes dominating my time. I am indeed in the get out mode. She likes to forget that i don't have much time to myself everyday.
that said there is nothing wrong with saying "its over". the best thing you can do is make it as clear as possible. tell her in front of her friends and/or family, so that there are zero mixed signals. mentally unstable types tend to blot it out and pretend it did not happen. from there any time you show even the slightest bit of concern for her she will believe that you "changed your mind" and want her back. so from here on avoidance is the best bet. if you run into here, say hi and end it there. you dont want to lead her into believing that you want her back. she needs a little time for the message to set in. during this time you should, out of shear courtesy, do not introduce her to new girlfriends or show public displays of affection for anyone else in her presence, which she may perceive as cheating leading to a whole other slew of reckless and self destructive behavior. if doing this is awkward with regards to your living situation, then move/change jobs if you can. kind of tough with the tight knit communities in our part of the world, but meh.
That's how it was the first time i broke up with her. And, that's how we got back together. I mean holy ****. I was like wow. I'll break up again and make it stick. I'll probably have to move out. I don't give a **** if i need to though.
Take a step back and evaluate everything that's causing you stress. List them off and see how you can deal with each aspect individually
Afterall, she isn't the sole cause of all of your stress (a great deal sure, but you don't seem to make it out as it being all the stress in your life is coming from her)
You got bogged down with stuff afterall, and being Mr. Popular can be fixed by a simple "No" every once in a while. It's up to you to decide where and when your attention is required
The best way to deal with complicated situations is to reduce the factors that are causing your mind to be distracted.
Simple little idea that could go a long way: Don't always be the one who cooks. There's four people living there. I'm sure the other three are more than capable as cooks too
My question being, is why did you figure breaking up with your girlfriend in the first place was a good idea? It seems unclear on your reasoning as all I saw was "I got bogged down, became the go to guy for everything, so I chose to break up with my girl". Afterall, you didn't know of her situation until after the first attempt, so what was your reasoning?
I manage where my attention is required every day. Least to say, what causes a lot of my stress is people trying to dominate all of my time in a place where that shouldn't happen. I do tell people no every now and again, and i do get on the people who can't wash a dish properly or perform any other chore lazily. The idea was that i'm coordinating everything so that i can eventually step back from it all and it keeps working sustaining itself with or without me. The other people are sort of lazy unfortunately. I broke up with her in the first place because i didn't want to be in a relationship anymore because i don't see myself with her in the future; she's not the girl for me. That was also the day of how miserable, guilt trippy, insecure, and unstable i found out she was. She even lightly told me i should be careful of her brothers in the future. Later i re-assured her everything was going to be ok. She deluded herself into thinking that meant we were ok and back together. Onto the next thing for more of my reasoning.
I think it's always a bad idea to treat a relationship as a 'job', where the other person has stuff that you somehow need to fix. This is the weak spot in many relationships in my experience, two people go out with each other and then try to mold the other person into what they wanted, rather than value what they have.
That said, it sounds more to me like what is driving you away is as much other people's expectations of you as your expectations of other people. I can't really advise you on what to say or do, but I would suggest that it's not really us you need to be talking to, it's her.
The relationship ended up turning into a job unfortunately. We do value each other. However it's more of a relationship of helping the other person improve themselves now. Not trying any molding here. More or less calm down girl, everythings alright, lets see what we can do so you feel less insecure etc. That sadly hasn't done much of anything. Relationships shouldn't be about trying to fix the other person which is what that turned into. I'm tired of all of this now, and just need to get out. I agree, i need to talk to her. I'm getting an inquiry on what others think, and possibly of what to do aside from my own plans on the same subject.
I have a crap load of French homework to do, but I'll do my best to give you some advice.
First of all your girlfriend sounds like a Peacemaker. Peacemakers, the long version.
I've known about 5 peacemakers in my life, (that I know about). And they're really hard to motivate to change because of the very nature of their personality. They, by default, resist change to avoid tension. Many peacemakers will watch television or spend long amounts of time doing other things because it kind of calms them down. Having someone around who they are used to and love also helps them to diffuse tension. This is probably why she wants to do that: she probably feels safe when you do.
She is not improving like you want her to improve. This is not a reason to break up with her necessarily. Maybe there's something else wrong that's going on here? Do you know how you accept love and give love? Does she show love to you in a way that you understand and can accept? Is there fairness in the way that you treat her and how she treats you?
I can say at least this much:
The way you're expecting her to change is typical of a certain way of thinking. This way of thinking believes that there is some kind of currency: they should give back to you as much as you should be giving to them. This way of thinking is fundamentally unfair. It assumes that both parties have equal strength to give, and it leaves out a large part of what makes love love: forbearance, mercy, forgiveness.
From what little I see about you, I guess that you are either a Helper or an Enthusiast. (my money being on the helper) If you are a helper, then you need to realize that sometimes helping is supposed to happen without getting anything in return. Yes, you have emptied yourself for those people, but it does not count for much if you demand something back.
I know that it is hard to deal with her and your immature roommates, and that both are draining you. I've had very difficult people as roommates as well, and I also had a girlfriend with low self-esteem. You cannot be their crutch. Neither is it good to kick them to the curb(literally or figuratively). But you should decide for yourself what is most fair to everyone in the situation -- And that should supersede what you think is the best possible outcome for you.
Treat her and your friends with fairness, understanding that you cannot fix them or be their crutch. Bear the things you have started out to a good end.
That is the advice I have for you.
The situation i set up here requires everyone to pay in more ways than one. Do chores, pay rent, and help out. When someone fails at this, everyone feels it. I'm not looking to fix anybody. In the least she has people that she comes home to that are happy to see her and ask how her day went. Instead her time went toward dominating mine and not doing anything different. I'm looking for everyone to cooperate. Strictly my gf keeps feeling like she's alone and ignored despite everything here has been reworked for respect and value towards her since day one of moving in here. She should feel like a queen, instead she feels just as miserable as day one. I'm not expecting her to change, i'm hoping she improves her attitude since her outlook on where she lives is really great aside from everyone being there for her. This wont change, she keeps doing this to herself. She hasn't really taken much notice of this great achievement that 4 people living here are all doing for her (an achievement i sought for her). She's pretty deeply wounded by her family's neglect. She feels that she'll disappear if no one notices her. We all take great notice of her, she still feels the same way. I've encouraged and bolstered her to hopefully see if she feels better on her outlook on life. This hasn't done much. It's almost a hopeless situation. I'm going to move out if she keeps feeling the same way after months of this. She's miserable because she makes sure she's miserable. It's an all too old MO for her as about now despite the fact that everyone is here for her. She doesn't get to have me while she's miserable. I've tried hard, so has everyone else. She's still like this. She wallows in her own misery. I already broke up with her since i don't want to be a crutch and am incompatible with her.
It's already been done an said. I feel sad for her how she is. And i'm not done doing whatever i can about it. But, i am no longer dating her. She already told me i might as well take the dog with me if i leave (she's jealous that i spend a bunch of time with the puppy as opposed to her because no one had the time to rear the dog except for me). I'd take the dog for the sake of saving it from her misery.
This is a hopeless situation. I've already done my best without being a raging asshole for 4 months going on 5. Everyone that lives here has seen all the effort and pay out i put into this place for everyone since they are all involved with it. Quite frankly, unless my ex improves, she wont get any guy. And she wont have me again; that is for certain.
I don't have advice as to what to do, but rather where to go. If you're unsure about how to handle her delicate ego, perhaps you should seek advice from the one person you know who should know her the best... her mother. I know that you are trying to find a way of avoiding mixing work with your personal life, but this is an opportunity to discuss the situation with someone else who (I would expect) has her best interests at heart and has know her for a few decades. Also, since you work for her, you can talk to her about it without drawing any overt attention. Furthermore, you have not given us any indication that her mother is unstable or unreasonable.
Her mother is quite reasonable. I think involving her might help big time. But, then again, not involving her may be the best thing also. I'm still figuring out if this is a good idea for my situation. It's not bad advice however. I am not going to get back together with this girl. I still am out of all this, interested in seeing her do better for herself.
Have you talked with her about anything involving you and your relationship? You don't go out with people with the intention of fixing them.
I never went out with her with the intention of fixing her. The second time around i wanted to encourage and bolster so that she feels better about her reality. She just won't feel better. It ****ing blows. She'll lose potentially two renters over this (just because the other person will feel too awkward if i leave). Seriously, i'm not trying to change her. I'm trying to show her what's good in life with what she has, and hope that she feels better. Trying to raise her esteem with positive compliments. Making dinner for her. Etc. She didn't take any of this to note. **** it, **** her. I've put a little over 4 months into this, and i'm done.
I'm kinda with NGTM-1R/BloodEagle on this one, and I don't like being so. I think I fall into Nuke's rarest 4th category, and whilst I see problems there with the girl in question and how her family are approaching your relationship, you're also at fault. Have you actually sat her down and talked about.. well.. everything you posted?
I've already talked to her about this many times. At least 5 times. And well, tonight was the final straw, only because i don't want to be with this girl anymore. I'm done being with her. I'm not done making sure her house should run the way it should however.
Have you talked with her about anything involving you and your relationship? You don't go out with people with the intention of fixing them.
No you don't go out with people with the intention of trying to fix them. The most you can do is bolster and encourage. Fixing is different. Bolstering and encouragement is up to the person receiving it what they should do with that. That's why i said bolstering and encouragement as opposed to fixing. Because they are not one in the same.
