[Knight Templar]

Bah, what the hell, it's 12 : 12 A.M. and I'm using Emperor's Font. not that You'll know

This is a "Autobiographical Incident Essay" or for those French who have English as a Second Laguage, an "I did this paper" :wink:  

By the way, use this thread to post English homework, that would actually be kinda kool to have a teaking/ctique'ing system going on.   (Yes i know it's double spaced... she asked for it for some reason)

_______________________________________
The Sickness

It was five A.M. and I felt like I was going to vomit.

I don’t know why exactly I get that feeling, I presume it’s

from lack of sleep or from my stomach laying horizontally for

a number of hours, and then to suddenly switch to vertical,

either way it wasn’t a pleasant feeling. The feeling only

partially subsided as I hobbled into the shower. Why am I up

this early again? Ah yes, today was the day I was going to

tahoe with my dad. See, my dad works at the Toyota down on

Corby Avenue, and sometimes his boss gives out free Lift

Tickets to various resorts in tahoe. This year my dad had

decided that I was old enough and we had enough money to

make the trip. as I crawled into the seat of my dads Red Truck,

I realized that it was going to be a long day. I soon drifted

off to sleep. Five o’ clock was definitely too early.


   “Look out, I’m come in through!” man, all these people

are in my way. I feel the cold breeze of the Tahoe air blowing


past my face as I board down hill. As I follow the rail, I see

that it starts to veer off to the right. I get ready to shift my

back foot to my left to make the turn. As soon as I could

begin to think about executing my maneuver, I see that the

trail is blocked by a bunch of people and boulders. To make it

worse, the people were laughing at me! “haha, you’re really

gonna die now!” I needed to turn, if I didn’t do it fast I would

fly off into the trees and meet a gruesome fate, with all this

flying through my head, to make things worse, too obviously

Experienced skiers came flying down the hill spraying snow each

time they banked. They flew right past me and and sprayed snow

in my eyes and all down my face. The cold powder stung my eyes

and I effectively couldn’t see. “What the hell, try some

courtesy next time jerk ass!” Too make things worse, I missed

my turn by twenty feet or so and hit some rocks and began

Tumbling through the trees. Screaming in agony, I was only

given a break to get a glimpse of the edge of the summit I

was soon to plummet from. “Marcus, wake up! We are

stopping to get some grub, what do ya want?”


   “So you are saying we are supposed to stop like this??” I

attempt to model how my instructor told me to stop my board,

only to feel the stinging pain in my butt as I hit the ground.

“no, don’t fall, only if you have to. What I want you to do is

learn to stop like this.” I watched in awe as the person I named

“Mrs. Instructor Lady” swiveled her snowboard ninety degrees

so that it was perpendicular to the mountain. “Oh” showoff..

I thought. Where is my dad? Why couldn’t he come with the

class? It sucked enough having to go up the restraint less

chair lift. Being as young as I was, I wasn’t too comfortable

with strangers. It seemed like forever and an hour before the

lesson was over. It took my awhile to find my dad. I was told

to look for him by the first aid tent, an odd place to tell your

son to meet at, but a meeting place nonetheless. Twelve

o’clock, hope he shows soon. After waiting for what seemed

like an eternity again he showed up. It was decided that Food

was in both of our stomachs interests. That was the first time

I had had a chilidog. Pretty good, albeit not that spicy, it

would have to do either way, no way In hell I was going to

throw away a four- fifty chilidog.


   “Ok dad, you go down and I’ll follow you!” “alright if

you say so.” I watched as he got up and sped down the

Beginners slope, stopping twenty meters or so ahead of me.

After I hoisted myself up, I started my slide down the slope. I

had definitely underestimated the skill required for the task. I

got no more than two, maybe three meters down the slope

before I bit it. Wow that was embarrassing. And to much of my

shame, the next three hours were exactly the same. Although I

still had a great time, and learned an invaluable skill and sport

that I carry on to this day, I was worried about my dad’s

enjoyment. How fun could it be to follow around a kid that

falls every five meters because eh is afraid that’ll go too fast

and fall? Well I guess it all pays off now, as for the most

part, the tables of life have turned, and forty year old muscles

just tire faster than those twenty-six years younger.

So goes the story of life…


____________________________________________

Comments, questions, Advice, compliments?

if you don't like it, screw you , i'm listening to led Zepplin. Black Dog baby!

(i just typed that last sentence wrong 5 times consecutively, with the same errors, time for me to sleep.)

[Knight Templar]

one *cough*, one *bump*

[Sesquipedalian]

The Sickness

It was five A.M. and I felt like I was going to vomit.
I don't know why exactly I get that feeling,(1) I presume it's
from lack of sleep or from my stomach laying horizontally for
a number of hours, and then to suddenly switch to vertical,(2)
either way it wasn't a pleasant feeling.(3) The feeling only
partially subsided as I hobbled into the shower. ¶(4)Why am I up
this early again? Ah yes, today was the day I was going to
tahoe(5) with my dad(6). See, my dad works at the Toyota(7) down on Corby Avenue, and sometimes his boss gives out free Lift Tickets to various resorts in tahoe.(8) This year my dad had
decided that I was old enough and we had enough money to
make the trip. as(9) I crawled into the seat of my dads(10) Red Truck,(11) I realized that it was going to be a long day. I soon drifted off to sleep. Five o' clock was definitely too early.

"Look out, I'm come in through!" ¶man,(12) all these people
are in my way. I feel the cold breeze of the Tahoe air blowing
past my face as I board down hill.(13) As I follow the rail, I see
that it starts to veer off to the right. I get ready to shift my
back foot to my left to make the turn. As soon as I could(14)
begin to think about executing my maneuver, I see that the
trail is blocked by a bunch of people and boulders. To make it
worse, the people were laughing at me! "haha,(15) you're really
gonna die now!" I needed to turn, if I didn't do it fast I would
fly off into the trees and meet a gruesome fate,(16) ¶with all this
flying through my head, to make things worse, too obviously
Experienced(17) skiers came flying down the hill spraying snow each time they banked. They flew right past me and and(18) sprayed snow in my eyes and all down my face. The cold powder stung my eyes and I effectively couldn't see. "What the hell,(19) try some courtesy next time(20) jerk ass!" Too(21) make things worse, I missed my turn by twenty feet or so and hit some rocks and began Tumbling(22) through the trees.(23) Screaming in agony, I was only given a break(24) to get a glimpse of the edge of the summit I was soon to plummet from. "Marcus, wake up! We are stopping to get some grub, what do ya want?"

"So you are saying we are supposed to stop like this??" ¶I
attempt to model how my instructor told me to stop my board,
only to feel the stinging pain in my butt as I hit the ground.
¶"no,(25) don't fall, only if you have to. What I want you to do is
learn to stop like this." I watched in awe as the person I named
"Mrs. Instructor Lady" swiveled her snowboard ninety degrees
so that it was perpendicular to the mountain. "Oh"(26) showoff..
I thought. Where is my dad? Why couldn't he come with the
class? It sucked enough having to go up the restraint less(27)
chair lift. Being as young as I was, I wasn't too comfortable
with strangers. ¶It seemed like forever and an hour before the
lesson was over. It took my awhile to find my dad. I was told
to look for him by the first aid tent, an odd place to tell your
son to meet at,(28) but a meeting place nonetheless. Twelve
o'clock, hope he shows soon.(29) After waiting for what seemed
like an eternity again(30) he showed up. It was decided that Food(31) was in both of our stomachs(32) interests. ¶That was the first time I had had a chilidog.(33) Pretty good, albeit not that spicy, it would have to do either way, no way In hell I was going to throw away a four- fifty chilidog.(34)

"Ok dad, you go down and I'll follow you!" ¶"alright(35) if
you say so." ¶I watched as he got up and sped down the
Beginners(36) slope, stopping twenty meters or so ahead of me.
After I hoisted myself up, I started my slide down the slope. I
had definitely underestimated the skill required for the task. I
got no more than two, maybe three meters down the slope
before I bit it. Wow(37) that was embarrassing. And(38) to much of my shame, the next three hours were exactly the same. Although I still had a great time, and learned an invaluable skill and sport that I carry on to this day, I was worried about my dad's enjoyment. How fun could it be to follow around a kid that
falls every five meters because eh(39) is afraid that'll(40) go too fast and fall? Well(41) I guess it all pays off now, as for the most
part, the tables of life have turned,(42) and forty year old muscles just tire faster than those twenty-six years younger.
So goes the story of life(43)

1. This should be a semicolon, not a comma.

2. "From my stomach ... switch to vertical" 1) You were laying down, not your stomach. 2) "laying" and "switch"are different forms of their respective verbs, they should agree (i.e. "switching" instead of "switch"). 3) Overall this only makes sense because we know what you are trying to say, rather than because you are actually saying it; try re-writing it more compactly.

3. Sentence has become a run-on with this third clause.

4. This symbol indicates where a new paragraph should start.

5. Capitalise this.

6. This too.

7. The Toyota what? Dealership? Factory? Pedicure clinic?

8. See note 5.

9. See note 8.

10. Apostrophe needed.

11. Don't capitalise this.

12. See note 9.

13. Downhill is one word, and the type of "boarding" is unclear, since nothing has been mentioned up to this point regarding snow.

14. Can, not could.

15. See note 12. (Yes, I'm doing this to you on purpose.)

16. This should be the end of a sentence.

17. See note 11. (Ah, ah, ah, don't assume anything: see note 11.)

18. Double word.

19. Try replacing the comma with a question mark follows by an exclamation mark. It is, after all, a question.

20. Comma needed here.

21. Sp.

22. See note 17. (Mwahahaha!)

23. Three conjunctions in a row like that are clumsy. Replace the first and with a comma.

24. Try a different expression. This one makes your meaning unclear. (I.e. Did your agony stop? Did you stop tumbling? What?)

25. See note 8.

26. End of sentence, so punctuate, and capitalise "showoff."

27. Restraint-less, not two independent words in this case.

28. 1) Sons don't meet by themselves. You need to specify an object for this verb (i.e "to meet you at"). 2) Your teacher may have a problem with the preposition "at" dangling there at the end of the sentence. Try "at which to have your son meet you," or something similar.

29. This is just two fragments stuck together, rather than a sentence. "It's twelve o'clock; I hope he shows up," would be correct.

30. This is awkward and unclear. Try "another eternity."

31. See note 22.

32. Apostrophe needed. (Remember that this is a plural noun you will be putting into the possessive!)

33. Chili dog is not one word.

34. This is a deeply disturbed sentence. 1) "It was pretty good..." 2) "It would have to do..." is a new sentence. 3) "No way in hell..."is a new sentence, and should moreover be "There was no way in hell..."

35. See note 25.

36. See note 22.

37. Insert a comma here.

38. Drop the conjunction. It shouldn't be here.

39. Sp.

40. "That he'll," or "that he will."

41. Insert comma.

42. "As... turned" would be more easily understood if changed to "since for the most part the tables of life have turned."

43. Punctuate.

[Knight Templar]

Last time i only look over a paper once after i write it at 1 in the morning.

Thanks for the reveiw, a lot of my stupid errors, were , stupid errors...I forgot to do a few punctation marks after i pasted. Thanks a whole lot for taking the time to reveiw that properly

[Knight Templar]

Alright, here is the pre grade rough draft back from my teacher version of the paper.

Note: My teacher wants us to cut back the use of the letter "I" to at least 15 - 20 or so. She should us hwo to do it kind of, but i am having a hard time saying what i want to say but not using I. Any help is preciated' . Thanks KT

_____________________________________

It was five A.M. and I felt like I was going to vomit.

I don’t know why exactly I get that feeling; I presume it’s

Due to lack of sleep or from lying on my stomach horizontally

for a number of hours, and then to suddenly switch to

vertical. Either way it wasn’t a pleasant feeling. The feeling

only partially subsided after my legs carried me sideways into my

shower.


Why am I up this early again? Ah yes, today was the day my

dad and me were going to Lake Tahoe. See, my dad works for a

Toyota Dealership sometimes his boss gives out free Lift

tickets to various resorts in Tahoe. Toyota gets them for

promoting The Ski Resorts.  This year my dad had decided that I

was old enough and we had enough money to make the trip. As

I crawled into the seat of my dads Red Truck, I realized that it

was going to be a long day. I soon drifted off to sleep. Five

o’ clock was definitely too early.


   “Look out, I’m coming through!” Man, all these people

are in my way. Cold The brisk cold air of Tahoe blowing

past my face as I Snowboard downhill. As I follow the trail, I

see that it starts to veer off to the right. I get ready to shift my

back foot to my left to make the turn. As soon as I can

begin to think about executing my maneuver, it is apparent that

the trail is blocked by a bunch of people and boulders. To make

things  worse, the people were laughing at me! “haha, you’re

really gonna die now!” I needed to turn, and fast, If not, there

would most certainly be a ground of pain waiting for me.

With all this flying through my head, to make things worse,

too obviously experienced skiers came flying down the hill

spraying snow each time they banked. They flew right past me

and sprayed snow in my eyes and all down my face. The cold

powder stung my eyes which made it difficult to see. “What the

hell? Try some courtesy next time jerk ass!” To make things

worse, my turn was missed  by some twenty feet or so and hit

some rocks and began tumbling through the trees. In all of my

agony, I barely caught a glimpse of the edge of the summit

that was soon going to deliver me to hell. “Marcus, wake up!

We are stopping to get some grub, what do ya want?”


   “So you are saying we are supposed to stop like this??” I

attempt to model how my instructor told me to stop my board,

only to feel the stinging pain as my butt fell flat on the

ground hit the ground. “No, don’t fall, only if you have to.

What I want you to do is learn to stop like this.” I watched in

awe as the person aptly named “Mrs. Instructor Lady” in my

mind swiveled her snowboard ninety degrees so that it was

perpendicular to the mountain. “Oh.” Showoff I thought.

Where is my dad? Why couldn’t he come with the class? It

sucked enough having to go up the restraint-less chair lift.

Being as young as I was, it still wasn’t too comfortable being

around strangers for me. It seemed like forever and an hour

before the lesson was over. It took me awhile to find my dad. I

was told to look for him by the first aid tent. An odd place to

tell your son to meet, but a meeting place nonetheless. Twelve

o’clock; hope he shows soon. After waiting for what seemed

like another eternity, he showed up. It was decided that food

was in both of our stomach’s interests. That was the first

time I had had a chilidog. It was pretty good, albeit not that

spicy, it would have to do either way. No way In hell I was

going to throw away a Chili dog that cost four-fifty.


   “Ok dad, you go down and I’ll follow you!” “Alright if

you say so.” I observed as he got up and sped down the

beginners’ slope, stopping twenty meters or so ahead of me.

It took me a sec to hoist myself up, after that, it was all

down hill, literally. I had definitely underestimated the skill

required for the task. No more than two, maybe three meters

down the slope before I bit it. Wow, that was embarrassing.

to much of my shame, the next three hours were exactly the

same. Although I still had a great time, and learned an

invaluable skill and sport that I carry on to this day, I was

worried about my dad’s enjoyment. How fun could it be to

follow around a kid that falls every five meters because he is

afraid that he will go too fast and fall? Well, I guess it all

pays off now, since for the most part the tables of life have

turned. Forty year old muscles just tire faster than those

twenty-six years younger. So goes the story of life…

[Sesquipedalian]

I'm not going to edit it again unless you send me a credit card number.  I now charge $30/hour to to this stuff (no, seriously, I'm in business).

[Knight Templar]

LOL sounds like a good buisness.

naw 'm not asking you to edit again, jus if you have any good suggestions for re wording things that have "I" (I have 45 "i"'s in the paper, she wants it down to 22) that would be stupendous.

BTW, i got a 95 out of 100 (highest in the class i think and it's an honors class.. ) She marked me down for eyes, a few un needed phrases... that i personally like in there because it is part of the story, she didn't like my font (she wants it as size 16.. she can't "read" it.. ) and... She marked me down half a point becuase... She thought i spelled my name wrong...