[TopAce]

Share your best jokes with us!

I will begin:
Doctor! Doctor! Everybody is telling I am a liar!
I don't belive you.

[Petrarch of the VBB]

Well that's the thing, all the jokes I make are very much spur of the moment things, involving who- or what-ever is there at the time.

[TopAce]

All jokes I make is ones you cannot understand. I like modifying hungarian expressions with another meaning, and that makes a joke.

[Turnsky]

Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach, and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play.

Minutes later, he runs back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with plonkers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play.

Several minutes later, he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more they talked, the dumber Daddy got!!"

[Turnsky]

The Beer Prayer

Our Lager
Which art in barrels
Hallowed be thy drink
Thy will be drunk ( I will be drunk )
At home as if in tavern
Give us this day our foamy head
And forgive us our spillage's
As we forgive those who spill against us
And lead us not to incarceration
But deliver us from hangovers
For thine is the beer, the bitter, the lager
For ever and ever....

Barmen

[Petrarch of the VBB]

That's quite risible.

[Turnsky]

some of the best jokes i've ever heard were mainly of australian origin;)

[TopAce]

I was playing on PXO, and I had this one:

The connection is as slow as a Hercules
Than a guy flying the Herc II wrote back: TopAce!
Then I corrected myself:
The connection is as slow as a snail without afterburners.

[Turnsky]

1. Walking through the bush Gary and Griff came across a dingo licking its privates. After watching for a few minutes Griff said to Gary, "Just between you and me, I've wanted to do that all my life." A bemused Gary looked at him and said, "Go ahead mate, but I'd pat him first. He looks pretty vicious to me."

2. Newsflash! John Howard's library burned down on the weekend and two books, amongst other personal belongings, were destroyed! The real tragedy was that he hadn't finished colouring in one of them.

[Turnsky]

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There, he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large. Then they walk around the station a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows". The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?" The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

[TopAce]

Please vote!

[Petrarch of the VBB]

I was once told one by an Aussie physics teacher that we had for one year. (Well, he was a biology teacher, who was teaching us physics, as the school had ****ed up)

I can't really remember it, but it involved an Aussia, and American, and a new Zealander, and a sheep stuck in fence. Do you know the one I mean, Turnsky?

[Turnsky]

vaguely, but i forgotten how it went....

EDIT: here's another one
An Australian travel writer, touring Canada, was checking-out of the Hilton. As he paid his bill, he asked the manager, "By the way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived."
"Oh! That's 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'," said the manager. "The hotel is built on an Indian reservation and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He's known as 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember even the slightest detail of his life."
The travel writer took this in and as he was waiting for his cab decided to put the chief's memory to the test. "G'day mate!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?"
"Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up and indeed the Aussie was impressed. He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others of 'Big Chief Forget-me Not's' great memory.
On his return to the Hilton six months later, he was surprised to see 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick.
Remembering that one local had informed him that 'How' was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief rather than 'G'day', the Aussie greets him with, "How?"
"Scrambled," replied the Chief.

[Turnsky]

Excuse me for the double post

but:

Black Fellah to White Fellah

Dear white fellah,
There's a coupla tings you orta no.
Firstly
Wen I am born, I'm black.
Wen I grow up, I'm black.
Wen I get sick, I'm black.
Wen I'm cold, I'm black.
Wen I go out in the sun, I'm black.
And wen I get scared, I'm black.
And wen I die, yes, I'm still black.
But you white fellah ....
Wen you born, you pink.
Wen you grow up, you white.
Wen you get sick, you green
Wen you cold, you go blue.
Wen you go out in the sun, you go red.
And wen you get scared, you yellah.
And wen you die, you purple
And you call me coloured !!



A Pack of Cards

Four Drovers are sitting around a campfire discussing what they'd want; if they were lost in the outback and were only allowed one thing. The first says, "I couldn't do without my trusty old horse. She could probably lead me to a homestead from the back o' Bourke."
The second says, "You can have your horse but I'd want my swag. If your gonna be lost you may as well sleep warm at night."
The third says, "There's no question. I'd want my old Queensland Heeler 'Blue'. He's my best mate and if I was gonna die out there I'd want him beside me."
The last old bushie says, "Only one thing I'd need -- a pack of cards.
See, I'd start playing patience and before long some bastard would be looking over my shoulder saying "Red Jack on Black Queen."

[kasperl]

a manager, engineer and a physisist are told to give the exact hight of a building, and they're given a barometer.

the physisist throws the thing of the building while taking the time it takes to fall, starts calculating, and comes with the answer.

the engineer measures the pressure downstiars, upstairs, and downstairs again to correct, starts calculating, and comes up with the answer.

the manager goes to the janitor, and says: "if i give you this barometer, will you tell me how high this building is?"



what are 1000 lawyers on the bottom of the sea? a good start

what do you do when you hit a dog with your car? you stop
what do you do when you hit a lawyer with your car? you stop, go to reverse, stop, go forward, stop, go to reverse, etc.

[Petrarch of the VBB]

I remember this from long ago.

The Pessimist says the glass is half empty
The Optimist says that it's half full
The Programmer says that it is simply twice the size it should be.

[kasperl]

howmany MS engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
none, Bill will simply make darkness the new industry standard.

how many helpdesk operatives does it take to change a lightbulb?
none, all our operatives are busy.

IBM: I Blame Microsoft

ISDN: It Still Does Nothing

UPGRADE: User Purchases GRAdually Disentegrating Equipment

[Petrarch of the VBB]

Do you have the book "My Computer Hates Me" by any chance? As they're all in there.

Along with:
WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
WWW: World Wide Wank

Why doesn't MS build cars?
People don't want air bags that ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

[kasperl]

Originally posted by Petrarch of the VBB
Do you have the book "My Computer Hates Me" by any chance? As they're all in there.

Along with:
WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

yep

computers are female: every tiny little mistake is pointed out and commited to memory.

computers are male: impossible to figure out and never enough memory.

[Nico]

three programmers from Microsoft, Apple and Sun are in the toilets.
The MS programmer finishes first, shakes his thing, then goes to wash his hands with great care. Then he leaves the place, saying:
"We, at Microsoft, when we've done something, we like to make sure there's no problmes left"
Then the apple guy is done. He shakes his thing too, washes his hands for a minute at least, and dries it up for about as long. The he walks out, saying:
"We, who work at Apple, we want to make sure the job is well done and really completed".

Then the Sun programmer is done. He shakes his thing as well, and goes directly for the door, saying to nobody in particular
"We, at Sun, we don't piss on our hands".


A black dude and his very young son goes to the beach.
The son asks:
"Daddy! Daddy! Can I play with your penis?
-Sure, son, but don't go too far away"