BEAMS are ready to fire FIRE!!!!!
Welcome to HLP. There are exits to the left and rear. Do not attempt to use them. Under your seat you will find empty beer cans, cookie crumbs, dog eared dungeon Porn mags left by Shrike... oh, and a Flamethrower. Unfortunately, we're out of napalm, so you'll have to bludgeon people to death with them.
In the event of serious conflict, there are plasma rifles in the forward locker, though these can only be opened by an Admin, [V], God, or Hyperintelligent shade of the colour Blue. If, for whatever reason, you find yourself crawling around in the ductwork, there's a better than average chance you'll encounter a Shivan. They're easy to spot with the five legs and all. If you're lucky, it's just Carl, who responds well to food rewards. If not, then at least you die quickly. Be aware that the entrance to the main control room is guarded by subspatial claymore mines.
If you type "you", and it comes out "we", or you see russian letters, blame the admins. April Fools comes only once a year, but they make it last a long time.
Have a nice day.
*cues Shivan assault*
