[deep_eyes]

And HLP has the best critics in SOL... ! so everyone who reads, please suggest things to me, from good to bad, or even if its worth making a part 2 etc., thanks guys!

"Unnamed Piece."


To understand life you must understand death. This is all that rang in his mind. He wasn’t sure if it was a thought he picked up from a novel he read growing up or from some horror movie he had seen around a similar period. Possibly all that German Electronic-Rock music he had listened to at those frat parties finally got to him. No it wasn’t that.
What was it he asked himself, he wondered about that statement he so sought to comprehend at this day in age when man is consumed with there petty materialistic ideals and wants. It is strange that a dead man is attempting to comprehend an idea such as life, while dead. As he drifted into the darkness this one thought looped in the back of his mind, filled with a desire to understand why. The how to some in this day and age would be worth so much more, but in his mind he did things, saw things, experienced things he knew he had choices in, but didn’t know why he made them choices.
A “quasi-matrix” like scenario. But that was because of his own ignorance. He despised the fact that people were so into fantasy than reality, but his own train of thought had him in his own personal paradox of reality. His own set of control; his own personal heaven and hell. Contemplate the statement and you will find the answer. No, he is dead, dead people can’t contemplate. But he was. Damn it I’m dead! He thought to himself.
How the hell am I still able to think?! That question now with the daunting statement of before just gave him such a migraine that if he were alive, he would scream. He finally decided it was in his best interest to not stress this anymore then he had to, he had all eternity to do so if what we all heard growing up about the afterlife is true.
So this is what death is like. I’d thought it be just, well that’s it. Just… empty, darkness, no feeling, numb… like a piece of wood.
Then suddenly… he felt a whoosh overcome his body… time to snap back into reality.
Subdominant Paradigm…!
“Aghhhh! What the hell?!” he rose from his bed suddenly startled and screaming.
“Hahaha! Damn it Joe you had yourself one hell of a trip!”
“What the **** happened?” he said as he wiped the hair and sweat from his face.
“You had a bad hit of some Arizona trees man. It was laced with some ecstasy, had you looking like you were Superman on your bed!”
“Ugh… I ****in hate when they lace my herb with X! What the hell did you guys throw on me?” Joe was looking himself over; he was all moist from some liquid, probably water.
“Not I dude! Her….” His friend pointed over to a corner where a young woman was sitting. One leg up on the arm of the chair, her head dangling to her right side, her right hand twirling her long red hair.
“Who the hell is she?”
“To tell you the truth my wrecked friend of mine, no clue.”
“You sure this isn’t a bad trip you’re just having?” Joe scratched his head
“Highly unlikely bro, we both see her!”
   Joe looked at the young woman; she just stared at him, and looks straight at him back, dead in his eyes.
   “I’m Akasha. And no you do not see me. I’m just a figment of your after high.”
She waved her hands about slowly and with a weird look in her eyes, hinted a sense malevolence that Joe picked up on…
   “Dude! She thinks she’s The Queen of the Damned!”
   “Shut up Roy! She’s more like the bloody wreck of Kashmir or something I dunno I got a headache…”
   “Well that’s your name… Roy? Such a cute name for a little boy…” she reached over and caressed his left check, “might I add that in your high state of being, you wagged your dog more times then I can remember paying a stripper to do so for a buck.”
   “Oh hell no! I didn’t do that! Joe did I do that?!”
   “Beats me dude, I thought I was dead! Until she threw whatever she threw…”
   “…Water Joe. It won’ kill you…” she cuts him off, biting her lower lip.
   “…water. O…K… well I guess I can pass the bath.” No one laughed at this joke. “Ok it wasn’t meant to be funny!”
   “Anyway! Joe, last night we were with seven guys and four women, where are they?”
   “You’re asking the wrong guy Roy.”
   “I know what happened to them.” Akasha said lowly.
   “What happened oh Aaliyah wannabe?”
   “**** they went home because you two dumb asses got so twisted off your own ****, that you left hardly any for me to get my **** off of. They left about three hours ago!”
   “Oh ok I thought she was gonna say she killed them or something.”
   “Roy you’re a dumb ass. Now, ‘Akasha’, if that is your real name, you weren’t with the group last night, where did you come from?”
   Roy looked over at Joe a bit confused, for someone who takes the heaviest of highs, and most powerful of drugs, he for some scary reason is always on point when it comes to getting his mind right, that and having popped three Motrin’s. Roy then looked back at this “Akasha”. She looked good, possibly mixed race, light skin but with hazel eyes, long hair, bloody red tinted, almost as if she was bathed in red paint or something. She was wearing mostly black clothing, somewhat skimpy, and scary looking.
   “If you must know Joe, I’m Michael Foster’s cousin, Ashley. I’m in town for a couple of weeks and he invited me last night to this little dumb pot head party, but you guys from what I’ve been told have a bad habit of finishing your **** before anyone gets here!”
   “Michael? Wait Ashley? Ash?! His baby cousin? Oh my god, I heard so much about you.”
   “Uh Joe? Who’s Michael?” Roy asked dumb founded.
   “Oh you know, silly ass Mike, well you don’t know him like I do Roy, and we grew up together, before you moved her last year. Michael was the dark haired and brown eyed fellow from last night. He was tall, brolic looking.”
   “Big dude, almost knocked me out cause I said he looked like an eggplant?”
   “Why did you say that?” Ashley asked.
   “Cause of his big ****in eggplant of a head that’s why!” Joe reached over and popped Roy one good over his head.
   “That’s enough Roy. You keep that to yourself. Ash, why are you still here though? I mean your cousin left hours back like you said and…”
   “I stayed ‘cause I wanted to see who you are Joe.”
   “Who am I?”
   “Yes. I’ve heard a lot about you too. Had to see you for myself.”
   Joe looked a little bit shy and lost, he figured, to hell with conformity. She was here, the only woman left, she knew why she was here, and all Joe kept thinking to himself was, why it was taking a long time to kick Roy out. It’s not every day a hot piece of woman such as Ashley comes around. Hell I never even saw a picture of this girl before, only stories. Stories so powerful it made me imagine that she was some kind of crazy piece of ass that made even the strongest guy screech at the sight of her body.
   “I’m sorry Joe, I know that look in your eyes. My ass is not up for sale.” Her legs, which was once spread open, now was suddenly, shut closed and crossed them to the disgust of Roy... sick silly little man…
   “Men… you’re all alike.” She grabbed her jacket from off the back of her chair and walked towards the door. She glanced back at Joe who began to relax and spread his legs crossed off the bed.
   “See you later, cowboy.” She walked out the room, and headed out the apartment. Both Joe and Roy, looked at each other and wondered, where the **** did they go wrong?!
   “Dude that ***** is hot!”
   “Hey!” Joe hit Roy again. “Watch your mouth!”
   “Ok! ok! I’m sorry I forgot how picky you are about women and name calling.”
   “Thank you, you ass!”
   “But you can’t lie though, she was hot.”
   “Yes, but this was weird, she intentionally waited until we woke up, well until I woke up, and chit chatted for a few minutes, then straight bounces on us… this doesn’t make any sense.”
   “Yea and she used the name Akasha. What a biter!”
   “Maybe she’s a Goth-chick. I dunno in any case, for a black & white woman, she was something else.”
   “She said she’s going to be here for awhile. You still got time.”
   “No… I think I’m going to leave this one alone. If she can conveniently find herself into my bedroom like this and chill the way she did, god knows what she could have done. I think I’m going to chill out for awhile.”
   “But dude you don’t think…”
   “No buts! Look honestly I don’t know any Ashley! She made it up! That Michael she was referring to, isn’t alive, he hasn’t been in years. He died before you moved here Roy.”
   “Huh…?! Wait wait wait a minute, wait just a god damned minute!”
   “Yea and I know by telling you a bunch of nonsense, your too dumb to even have known for sure if I was for real or not… and you agreed blindly thank god.”
   “But but but, then who the hell is she?”
   “Well to tell you the truth… hot babe, dressed in all black, red head and chilling acting as if she can do whatever she wants, whenever she wants…” Joe got up, “and knowingly knows I’m lying by agreeing with her, yea she knows I knew. We were both reciting crap and we kept leading each other on, trying to dig for clues as to who’s who…”
   “Ok you’re confusing me! I’m lost now!”
   “Roy, all you have to know is, she’s not who she said she is, and she knows that I knew she was lying.”
   “I think I get you…” Roy got up and grabbed a bat from in the closet next to the bedroom door.
   “No Roy, relax. We’re good for now. Don’t worry; she won’t come back for awhile.”
   “Don’t worry?! She came in here like a damn Vampire! Dude I don’t even remember her here before passing out! And then, one minute I’m here thinking she could be a slide, the next thing I know she might be some damned…!”
   “Heh… relax! She’s not anything. I think I just need to shower real quick, you too bro- you stink. Let’s get something to eat, and go into town and hang out.”
   “You sure?” he said carefully…
   “Hell yeah!”
   “I guess so.” He shrugged his shoulders.
   “Roy, think of it this way… we had some good smoke. She was a figment of the smoke. Nothing more.”
   “But she threw water…!”
   “Shh! That’s sweat, nothing more.”
   “Oh… ok. In that case, I’m going in first!”
   “Yes you go do that! No wonder that fake woman left! You smell like hot ass!” Joe threw a pillow at Roy.
   “Agh! I’m going to get you for that bro!”
   “Shut the hell up puss in boots!”
   Joe was laughing but knew something was up. He could convince Roy the woman was a figment of his imagination, because of all the drugs he’s done before, but he knew himself and he knew this woman was real. From somewhere, he can’t remember where. But he knows it deep down. He thinks to himself, to hell with it, he will worry later. Memories are like nightmares Joe… they creep up when you least expect them to, and they will give you hell…

Right now I just want a warm bath and something good to eat…

[Bobboau]

I'm not sure all the swearing is good for a school project

[Deepblue]

Originally posted by Bobboau
I'm not sure all the swearing is good for a school project

Agreed.

[deep_eyes]

Originally posted by Bobboau
I'm not sure all the swearing is good for a school project

DUDE LIBERAL Writing! She wanted something raunchy only if the overall story wasnt consumed by it. In reality many teenagers/young adults, especially where the characters are located at, do use profanity to a large degree, and unlike a rap song where its F this and B that, its more sanitized than it really should be. being as this is part 1 of a whole, its just an introduction of a total project. The purpose is to make the characters that need to be, as human as possible.

[Odyssey]

Hey, my English teacher swears all the time. They're known for it.

[Eishtmo]

Always, always, take the time to put blank lines between paragraphs if you're going to be posting them in internet forums.  Makes them easier to read.  I'll slog through your story because it's a school thingy, but don't expect it soon or next time.  I don't like it when people don't put some work into posting things online.

[Eishtmo]

Let's start with the simple stuff  You're = You are, Your = possesive pronoun.  Get it straight our your English teacher will strip you naked and throw you out in a snowstorm.

On to the rest.  Weird and twisted, which fits with the whole drug induced freakiness going on.  However, I'll have to agree that you don't need that much cussing.  Most stuff can, and probably should, be done without it.  Especially if it's outside of dialog.  You've got to be a touch cleaner mouthed than your characters.

Some of the dialog gets a bit confusing at points, might want to introduce some 'he said's into the mix every once in a while.  Also, the action and internal dialog of the first few paragraphs all but vanishes when Joe (?) wakes up and the conversation takes over.  Space it out with some movement, descriptive bits (doesn't have to be a lot) and some internal thoughts (Let Joe remember Micheal early on as being dead or something).

To be honest, though, it almost, almost, sounds like a Dude, Where's My Car? story.  These characters seem a touch smarter, but it's the impression I get so far.  Might want to watch that as you continue on.

And next time, post it in Warpstorm and PUT SPACES BETWEEN THE PARAGRAPHS!

[deep_eyes]

Originally posted by Eishtmo
Let's start with the simple stuff  You're = You are, Your = possesive pronoun.  Get it straight our your English teacher will strip you naked and throw you out in a snowstorm.

On to the rest.  Weird and twisted, which fits with the whole drug induced freakiness going on.  However, I'll have to agree that you don't need that much cussing.  Most stuff can, and probably should, be done without it.  Especially if it's outside of dialog.  You've got to be a touch cleaner mouthed than your characters.

Some of the dialog gets a bit confusing at points, might want to introduce some 'he said's into the mix every once in a while.  Also, the action and internal dialog of the first few paragraphs all but vanishes when Joe (?) wakes up and the conversation takes over.  Space it out with some movement, descriptive bits (doesn't have to be a lot) and some internal thoughts (Let Joe remember Micheal early on as being dead or something).

To be honest, though, it almost, almost, sounds like a Dude, Where's My Car? story.  These characters seem a touch smarter, but it's the impression I get so far.  Might want to watch that as you continue on.

And next time, post it in Warpstorm and PUT SPACES BETWEEN THE PARAGRAPHS!

its been a few days since i posted etc., thanks E. for the response, it got me thinking more. i do agree with the "dude wheres my car" acknowledgement, but its in no way aimed that way. it was just a random idea i had and seeing how people would react to a story as is without influence from a begining or a middle or an ending.

this part for example might end up being a middle, but as a work in progress it allows me to expand and grow on it.

and yes i plan to clear up the terminology a bit more. well im glad u gave me insight its much aprecieated.

BTW, the formating from word to the forum altered much of the "in their head dialogue" in italics, so of things were currupted because of the formating of the forums. and its a pain to edit it in the forums manually.

[Drew]

**** that is of dialog in 1 page

[Stryke 9]

Ummm... You really don't wanna take this route. Let's just examine:

What was it he asked himself, he wondered about that statement he so sought to comprehend at this day in age when man is consumed with there petty materialistic ideals and wants.

What was it about that phrase that was so intriguing, even in this sordid era?

Insert the lower in there, it fulfils the exact same function. More than that, it's not difficult to read properly, is simpler, and doesn't have unnecessary flowery words. Do this for the entire paper. Short, concise thoughts, completed before you move on to the next one, minimal inclusion of irrelevant tangents. And, above all else, big words exist to be simpler ways of saying what would otherwise require lots more smaller words, not to make high-school students look smart. Using them to inflate a passage rather than deflate it makes you look like you're trying too hard to sound smart, and makes the reader assume you probably don't have anything worthwhile to say and are hiding it. If you have a minimum pagecount to meet or something, elaborate on ideas over multiple sentences, rephrase them, repeat them later when they have a relevance to something else. Like I generally end up doing in these posts, out of habit. Stuff like that- if you do it properly, you can get a lot more airtime outta that than just throwing in random modifiers and the longest words you can find.

On a related "trying to sound smart means you won't" note, it's better not to include lengthy character ponderings and so on until you've gotten a pretty good handle on generalized writing. Ever hear the term "angsty teen lit"? I was a lit mag editor in the last two years of HS, believe me, it's synonymous with "toilet paper". Excessively cerebral characters, gloomy dialogue/plotlines/quasiphilosophy, attempts to be "lifelike" by crowbarring in drugs and sex, long abstract mono/dialogues about complex philosophy inserted into ordinary situations... these are not good. No. Bad.
Doesn't mean you can't be deep, or have moody characters. ****, no. But the thinking is tedious if you keep it in the abstract- have it and the external reality flow together, so that one will reflect the other and vice versa, and for Zoroaster's sake put some action in there. If you can't work the inner dialogue into an important spot in the plotline or would have to significantly alter a good plot to do so, for ****'s sake right the story right and do a philosophy paper later.

Also, long, unbroken strings of dialogue. No. Bad, bad forumite. Don't make me stick your nose in it. I couldn't even read most of the latter half of the thing because the dialogue was just endless. Being broken up by single sentences or short paragraphs is as bad as not being broken up at all- you need things to be going on as well as said. Otherwise, (for one thing), it's rather a lot like writing one page's worth of text as a single paragraph- there's no start or end, it's hell to read. For another, still nothing going on- it's very nearly as bad as interminable ponderings. You need some action, some environment, something to see... look at any author you like, any good writer at all, and see if you can find a solid line of dialogue of more than, say, four exchanges. Even four's pretty uncommon, generally for things like comedic back-and-forth's. Look at the sort of details they put in the meantime. Give you a good picture of where they are, what they're doing, the precise context they're in, eh? Lots of room for some nice subtext, there, too, say even more without letting the readers consciously be aware of it.

Mostly, anyone who wants to write decently at all needs to just read. In excess- basically everything you can get your hands on, but especially the sorts of things you wanna right (in this case, stuff like Celine might be up your alley). Most of the stuff'll just come by osmosis, without your even having to actively look for it- you'll learn to spell properly, work the context and the conversation together smoothly, all sorts of neat stylistic tricks... oh, and stay away from, say, anything you can read off the Internet. Reading bad writing can make you a worse writer just as much as reading good can make you better (and I found that one out the hard way...)

EDIT: Phoo, typos away. Sorry if I missed some, my keyaboard appears to be moving and I don't know if I got them all.

[Assassin]

Its a good piece of writing, deep_eyes. One piece of criticism from experience, though. You seem to be overly keen to make it clear that they'd just finished tripping on drugs. It seems to lack in that "post-drug" attitude, its like they're sober again when they're talking. Also I don't think they'd care so much about that Ashley girl being there, I think they'd be too monged out to get suspicious, especially to the point of getting a baseball bat out.

Definitely include some action in that dialogue. Look at the situation. Just gotten off his trip. You can write about his position, probably laying down, and how long it takes him before he can be sitting  and functional. Ashley could be collecting her scattered possessions off the floor, Roy could go and fetch some stuff to eat or drink, etc.

I don't mean to be critical,  just constructively critical. Sorry if I construed it otherwise