Ba-dum
The five guards shoved the four captives down the dank, dingy corridor. Or, rather, shoved two of them, kicked the other, and carried the last. Fifi growled with each jolt, and snapped at the guards boots. Luckily for them, they were wearing steel-toed contraptions, and Fifi’s teeth were unable to penetrate the thick metal shoes. Rob and Billy Bob, or, as he referred to himself, the “Prince of Wales,” were being roughly treated by their two attendees. The last crew member, Mr. Dewfeather, was still in a near-comatose state, and was being carried by the remaining two guards. Obviously, he was more susceptible to large amounts of morphine than previously thought.
Suddenly, Billy Bob/The Prince of Wales stopped with a jolt, and turned to face his escort, who turned a milk-curdling snarl onto him. In a loud voice, he barked out his query.
“What?!”
The eloquence of this speech surprised Billy. He had to pause for a minute before regaining his posture.
“If I may, dear sir, request your parlay unto using the bathroom?”
The guard scratched his armpit.
“Huh?”
Rob turned around, straining against the arms which now held him fast.
“He wants to use the can. I gotta go too,” he turned to his own escort, “you guys mind?”
“Uhh…” the two turned and looked at each other. Billy’s escort was the first to speak “the captain says that sort of stuff isn’t allowed, you know. He says it’s…” he looked around “…
bad.”
Rob turned to him with a look of horror on his face.
“Not THAT! We’re gonna be in separate STALLS!”
“We don’t have stalls.” the guard replied, solemnly, hanging his head.
“Then…what? What do you use?”
Billy/Prince of Wales, who had been silent until now, offered much-appreciated help on the matter.
“Why, they do it like a man does! In the British Navy, we used to do it like men! Out in the open!”
“Billy, shut
up, you were never
in the British Royal Navy! Or
any Navy, for that matter!”
“Oh…”
Billy looked dejected for a moment, then suddenly he brightened up, and with a cheery smile on his face, proudly proclaimed;
“Well, if I
was in the Navy, I’m sure Her Majesty would see to it that that was the way it was done!”
Rob, exasperated, sighed heavily and turned his attentions back to Billy’s guard.
“Now that
that’s over, can we PLEASE use the bathroom?”
The two guards looked at each other, then turned back to him.
“Fine, follow us.”
The guards led them past row after row of empty, dark corridors and hallways, all which reeked of decay and rust. Finally, they found the bathroom.
“Get in. You have two minutes!”
With a brutal shove, in popped Rob and Billy, and the five guards took up their positions around the doorframe. Still slightly dazed after their mistreatment, the duo shut the door behind them. As they searched around for the toilets, they found two half-broken toilets, one whole one, two urinals, and no stalls. They decided to try the urinals, however, once they got there, they realized that they had been used for something other than liquid excretement. Disgusted, they quickly turned away, and began searching for other containers in which to relieve themselves. Suddenly, one of the guards rapped loudly on the door.
“Open up!”
Billy and Rob cautiously approached the doorway, and creaked it open.
“What is it you desire, dear sirs?” Billy enquired
“Yea…the poodle wants to go, too.”
Rob looked at him in disbelief. He then looked down at Fifi, who replied with a glare and a snarl.
“Hell no!” Rob objected.
“Too bad, get in there.”
The steel-toed pirate once again kicked Fifi, this time aiming her into the doorway, where she promptly flopped on the inside tile. Rob slammed the door behind him, and plastered himself to it, staring with a look of helplessness at the vigorously growling Fifi, who had righted herself and was now glaring at him with a look that could kill a cow and frighten small children.
Rob edged closer to Billy.
“Help….me….”
“Oh, pish-posh, my Queen! She’s only a dear little girl! Stop acting so silly!”
Rob’s voice quivered with fear. “Billy….two things….one…I am not, I repeat, I am
not a Queen….nor a woman, for that matter…and two….that is most definitely
not a little girl.”
Billy was undaunted by this new information. “Well, Your Majesty, if she’s not a little girl, then what is she?”
“She…is…the dog…..from….
Hell, Billy.”
“Oh, ho ho ho! You are
such the kidder, your highness!”
“****…you…you deranged….schizophrenic….nutcase….”
At just this moment, Fifi broke off her impending attack, and turned around. She began to sniff around the area. Rob voiced his distaste quite artfully, given the situation.
“What the
****? She’s actually
smelling the ****?”
Fifi suddenly stopped, and stared at a small area behind the toilets. She ran back out, then back in again, and repeated it several more times.
“She’s saying to follow her, My Queen.”
Rob, still stuck to the wall, slowly turned his eyes, but not his head, in the direction of Billy, standing next to him.
“You…are….****ing….
insane.”
“Come come now, My Queen. It’s not polite for ladies of your stature to be using such language. Come along and follow me.”
He grasped Rob’s, arm, and began to tug hard. Rob frantically shook his head from side to side. Nodding, Billy tugged harder, and harder, and eventually pried him off the wall, sending Rob stumbling forward. He stopped about five feet from Fifi and reared up, slowly backing away from his advisory.
But, for the first time, Fifi showed no apparent quarrel with him. Waving her head frantically at a space just a few feet in front of her, she ushered the two friends forward. Behind the toilets, a small air duct, just big enough for the three of them in a single-file line to fit in, was hidden from view.
“Well well well, Your Heighness! It seems that our little girl has found a way out!”
Rob gave Billy an annoyed stare.
“Let me go first. You can be in front of that damn dog.”
“But of course! Ladies first, I always say!”
Rob sighed, and pulled off the grate, which was so rusted over, it was brittle to the touch. Setting it down, he crawled forward inside, followed by Billy, and then, finally, Fifi.
