[CobaltStarr]

Just a few words before I get to the story itself...

First off, yes... This is part of the project you may have heard of from this array image.  The rest of the project is on hold...

Second, I definitely want comments and useful criticism...  Otherwise, please hold your peace.

Third, this was written off the top of my head, from the bottom of my heart.  Take as you will.

Fourth, updates may be sporadic as I cannot rely on my current method of internet access.

Finally, I hope you enjoy it!






Prologue

Darkness...  It surrounded him as he woke from the dream.  His eyes adjusted, slowly bringing light and form out of the void.  He blinked, the light harsh but comforting as he took in what he saw.  Before him lay another man with a red liquid pooling around his body.  This confused the first as he tried to find the meaning in the sight, but it failed to appear.  He looked to the sides but the light intensified, obscuring everything from sight.  Moving toward the other man, confusion struck him again as he felt the action.  Looking down he saw himself, but unlike the man before him, he wore nothing.  He moved forward and was surprised to see the action carried out by what he now saw.  His confusion became complete when he realized he was not what he thought he was.  He continued forward and tried to wake the man before him, but the man lay still.  Realizing his efforts were futile, he continued past, seeking the understanding he so desperately needed...


Chapter 1 - "My Name is..."

Ralis and his caravan were behind schedule and had been forced to take their current path to make up the time.  The path was reputedly more dangerous but thankfully the danger had not found them thus far.  But that did not mean he would let down his guard, for danger might be found around the next bend in the valley they traveled through.  The sun was drawing low and he was beginning to think about making camp when he saw something move in the distance.  He quickly brought his wagon to a stop and looked for the source of the motion.  It was then that he saw a man, naked and unarmed, stumble into the road and collapse.

"Ralthim, come!  Someone ahead needs help!" Ralis shouted as he jumped from his wagon and ran ahead.  Ralthim quickly joined him in the sprint, reaching the man shortly after Ralis.

"What has happened to him?" Ralthim questioned.  Ralis only shook his head and motioned for Ralthim to get a blanket.

As Ralthim rushed to comply with the request, the man's eyes opened and saw darkness once more...  Yet it was not complete as he saw a form hovering before him.  He opened his mouth as if to speak but nothing came forth.  However, as if in response, he heard a voice speak to him, "Rest now, we will take care of you."  Then he felt comfort as the blanket was wrapped about him and sleep claimed him.

The next day, the man awoke once more to the sight of a face above him.  He tried to speak, yet failed once again.  But the face had no such difficulty. "Ralis!" it began... "He awakens!"  The voice was gentle but powerful and with it brought another face into his view. This face seemed familiar, but he did not know why until he heard its voice.

"Thank the Gods!  We worried when you did not wake with the morn...  Are you well?" Ralis asked.  The man tried and failed once more to speak, the frustration and confusion apparent on his face.  Ralis turned towards the other and asked, "Neera, why can he not speak?"

"Nothing prevents him from doing so..." Neera, a wise-looking woman replied.  "I heard him mumble during the night as he lay in dream.  It may be that what brought him to us as he was, forced the ability from him.  It has been seen before."

"Perhaps it is as you say," Ralis mused.  He sat in thought for a moment before asking, "Can he be taught to again?  Or is it a fool's errand I propose?"

"In truth, I do not know," Neera responded.  "But it should not hurt to try."

Ralis then turned back to the man and spoke, "So be it!  When you have regained your strength, we shall begin teaching you to speak."  This apparently relieved the man as the frustration in his face disappeared and soon he fell back to sleep.



Many days passed as the caravan continued on its way and the man regained his strength.  Soon his studies began and progressed rapidly, far more rapidly than his new friends had expected.

"My word, he is quick to learn!  Only a week has passed since you found him, Ralis, and already he begins to speak!  It is as if he merely needed a direction and off he ran!" Neera spoke as they made camp that evening.

"Truly!" Ralis replied.  "I heard him practicing at midday...  Quite remarkable!  I would not have believed it had I not been there myself!  He even managed to ask for 'more' -- as he put it -- at lunch!  And the sheer joy on his face as the cook reacted and replied was enough to drive me near to tears!"

"Indeed!  Not being able to convey his thoughts must have been beyond frustrating!"



It took only two more days before the man was able to make basic conversation...  A feat neither Ralis, Neera nor any of the others in the caravan failed to be amazed with.  But after overcoming their amazement, both Ralis and Neera knew that there were questions he now had to answer.  Unfortunately, they had to ask them...

"Greetings, my friend," Ralis began.  "Your progress has been nothing short of astounding!  But as you may realize, there are many questions that I now have to ask."

"I have questions too..." the man replied, his speech rough betraying his limited knowledge of it.  "Many, many.  But they have waited, and can wait more."

"Well then...  When I am finished, you may ask of me anything and I will do my best to answer," the man smiled at this reply, but it faded as Ralis' expression quickly became more serious.  "First, my friend, do you have a name by which we can call you?"

This momentarily puzzled the man and he set himself to trying to find the meaning of the question.  Then it dawned on him, "Your name Ralis, her name Neera..."  At this the man paused, what was HIS name?  He just couldn't find the answer.  He couldn't even find the promise of an answer, and this confused him.  He continued to search until he finally came to the conclusion...  "I... I have no name."

This was an answer that neither Ralis nor Neera had expected.  Neera was the first to respond, "Are you quite sure?"

The man merely nodded his head and then continued, "I no find any...  any..." and then he stopped as if he didn't know how to continue.

Both Ralis and Neera tried to find his meaning, but it was Neera who found it first.  "Trace?" she asked.  "You cannot find any trace of your name?"  The man looked up at her and nodded rapidly.

Ralis was quick to follow.  "Then if you cannot remember your name, what do you remember?"

The man looked down for a moment before he began his tale of waking in the room of light, finding the man who would not wake and continuing out into a darkened valley, continuing onward past the light until it nearly became dark again at which point he came to Ralis' care.  His story was short, but it was all he could recall.  Again Ralis and Neera were hit by the unexpected, the man before them could remember nothing of his own life!  They continued to question him trying to find something, but the man could not find any answers for them.

Finally realizing that they would not succeed, they allowed the man to ask his questions, and he had as many if not more than they did. "Where are we?" being the first.

"The Indros Valleys of the Estaurian Kingdom," Ralis replied.  The name meant little to the man, but he would remember it regardless, for someday he might be able to return to find the answers he did not yet have.

The questions continued on late into the night and early into the next day, by which point both Neera and Ralis were supposed to be waking...  When they realized this they quickly excused themselves, trying to find sleep before they had to leave.  Unfortunately, the entire camp was now awake and sleep eluded them until they set off.  Ralis, however, had asked Ralthim to take charge of the caravan until he awoke.

As the caravan traveled through the valley, Ralthim and the man had a chance to speak...  Their first since the man had been found.  Ralthim began the conversation.  "Ralis managed to tell me some of what occurred last night.  I still cannot believe that the three of you spent the whole night talking."

"Yes," the man replied, apparently untired from his lack of sleep.  "Many questions...  Them and me."

"I would imagine so...  He told me that you have no name.  You will need one before long, you know.  I only hope my brother and his wife can help you to find one before we reach the market."

"Brother?  Wife?  Ralis and Neera?"

"Yes," Ralthim turned to the man, visibly surprised.  "They are my family.  I'm surprised they hadn't mentioned that earlier..."

"No...  They no tell me," the man then paused for a few moments before he continued.  "Ralis call me friend...  Can...  Can be name?"

Ralthim almost laughed as he again turned towards the man.  "Not quite!  It is too common a word to be a name," he then paused for a few moments as he thought, an answer suddenly appearing.  "However...  In ancient times, the people spoke differently.  In that language, 'korrai' meant 'friend', that might be suitable...  Would it not?"

The man rolled the word in his head, and strangely it felt familiar to him.  It was the first familiar thing he had encountered save the light he had seen when he had first awoke.  But beyond feeling familiar, it felt right.  "Korrai," he repeated.  He spoke it twice more, savoring the feeling that came with it.  "My name...  Korrai," he said with a finality that couldn't be ignored.

"So be it, my friend...  Korrai."


Chapter 2 - "Crystalline Discoveries"

Three more days passed before the caravan finally reached the marketplace it had been heading towards.  The time also smoothed and refined Korrai's speech, so much so that no one struggled to understand him anymore.  Once the caravan had set up to sell its wares, Ralis, Neera, and Ralthim took Korrai on a tour of the city.  Korrai was curious about everything, asking questions at every opportunity.

The foursome spent the entire first day in this way, returning to the caravan only when day had faded to night.  All four slept soundly after their meal, but Korrai was the first of them to wake.  Having learned about the concept of money the day before, he sought some way to repay his friends for what they had done for him.

He set off into the city alone, and spent the next few hours searching for a job.  Eventually, he came across a merchant who sold crystals of some sort.  With her apprentice ill, she was eager for the help Korrai offered.  After settling on a wage (which Korrai thought was generous based on the prices of things he had seen yesterday), Korrai returned to the caravan to tell his friends where he would be.

"A job?!" Ralis replied, stunned.  "Where?"

"At that strange crystal shop we passed yesterday," Korrai answered.  "For twelve hours of my time and effort, she will pay me twenty-two of these coins," at which point Korrai opened his hand revealing two of the coins Ralis had given him yesterday 'in case of emergency.'

The three sat speechless, as Korrai had just told them that he would be earning single-handedly as much as their entire caravan would be lucky to earn overall.  But then Neera realized where he had said he would be working, not believing it.  "You'll be working at the crystal shop?"  She asked, the others recovering as they realized what she meant.

"Yes," Korrai responded curiously.  "Why?  Is something wrong?"

"No...  No," Neera replied.  "Just take care in handling those crystals, they are more powerful than you can imagine."

This scared Korrai, but his curiosity got the better of him.  "Why?" he asked, pausing.  "What are the crystals?"

Neera sighed as the other two bowed their heads.  "The crystals..." she started.  "The crystals are talismans, each one capable of invoking a magic spell.  In the hands of one who is trained to use them, they are a powerful aid.  But, for one who is untrained, there is a chance they could cause more harm than good."  She then paused and looked deep into Korrai's eyes.  "Respect or fear them, but be cautious with them."

Korrai returned the look and replied, "I will."  He then stood and walked towards the flap of the tent they had been sitting within.  Reaching it he stopped and turned back saying, "I must go now...  I begin work today."  He then left his friends alone.

Ralthim was the first to speak in the silence that followed.  "I hope he heeds your words, Neera," he said turning towards her.  It was then that he realized she hadn't moved since Korrai had stood and left.  "Neera?" he asked worriedly.

Realizing something was wrong, Ralis moved closer to her, bringing her face to his, but what he saw in her eyes chilled him to the bone.  Ralthim, however, did not see it himself as she recovered before he could.  Finally, she answered, "He will..."  Then as Ralis clutched her tightly in his arms, she whispered, too softly for Ralthim to hear, "He will...  But he has no need."



Several minutes later, back at the crystal shop, Korrai walked in ready to begin his first day.  As the shopkeeper -- an old woman named Marisa -- had explained earlier, the shop was still closed, but he would need the time to become accustomed to what he would be required to do.  She lead him behind the glass counter of the shop, where she held samples of her wares, and into the back room where she kept her inventory.

"Your job," Marisa began, "will be to retrieve the orders of my customers from these shelves.  I will give you a sheet which will show what they want, you will then run back here, collect it, and bring it back to me.  I will then handle the rest, understand?"

"Yes, ma'am!" he replied.

"Good...  You do know how to handle 'em, don't you?"

"Carefully, ma'am?" he said, earning a strange look from her in response.  He then sighed and explained, "I just learned what they were a few minutes ago, ma'am.  But I was warned to be cautious with them."

This agitated Marisa as she exclaimed, "Good heavens!"  Then, grabbing a crystal from the shelf, she ordered Korrai to follow her, leading him out to a kind of target room.  There, she had Korrai face the targets as she stood behind him.  Marisa then explained what she wanted him to do, "You are going to take this crystal from my hand, and you are going to quickly point it towards the targets over there.  If nothing happens, you can stay, otherwise, you're out of here.  Understand?"

Korrai nodded as he brought his hand over the crystal, not yet grabbing it.  He took a deep breath and grabbed the crystal, turning to the targets the instant he did.  The old lady dropped to the ground as Korrai stared at the target, watching as...  Nothing happened.  Korrai sighed as he fell to the ground, his knees suddenly weak.  The old lady brought herself to sit upon the floor as she began laughing uncontrollably.  Korrai soon joined her, both continuing for several minutes until they regained their composure.

Relaxing from the test, Korrai then felt something strange and familiar coming from his hand.  It was then that he realized he had not yet released the crystal from his grip.  Opening his hand, he took a look at the red crystal he held.  It was like a gem, cut to six sides and brought to two faces, both of which had a symbol carved into it.  He then closed his hand around it, the sensation returning.  Closing his eyes, he let himself reach into it with his mind, touching the power that lay there.  Suddenly, he opened his eyes and looked into his other hand.  There, to his surprise, sat a ball of flame, rippling and flickering as if it were alive.  Coming to his senses, he closed his hand, extinguishing the ball before Marisa saw it.  He then released his grip upon the crystal and looked at it again, suddenly able to read the symbol carved into it.  Rising to her feet, Marisa called to Korrai, bringing him out of his stupor, and lead him back into the storeroom.



After a few practice runs, Korrai got the hang of his new job and the remainder of the day remained uneventful.  Returning to the caravan, tired but richer, Korrai quickly ate his meal and then sought out Ralis, hoping to begin paying back his debt to him.  An hour later, Korrai was even more tired, but he still hadn't found Ralis.

Fortunately, he managed to bump into Ralthim, unfortunately, it was quite literally.  As the two picked themselves off the ground, Korrai asked, "Ralthim!  Sorry about that, but have you seen Ralis?  I just wanted to give him some of what I earned today, but I can't find him or Neera anywhere."

"I don't really know..." Ralthim replied, dusting himself off.  "Neera was shaken by something when you left, and once I left, they both disappeared.  No one has been able to find them since."

"Strange...  Well if you see them, would you give this to them?" Korrai asked as he handed a small purse to Ralthim.

Ralthim looked inside and saw what he counted to be eleven coins within.  "Half your wages?!  This is too much!" he said trying to return the purse to Korrai.

"Nonsense!" Korrai replied, refusing the return.  "Even all my wages for every day I work would not pay back the debt I feel I owe!"

"Truly?" Ralthim said, now holding the purse tightly.

"Truly," Korrai replied.  "And if I had not realized that I will eventually have need of it, the other half would be there too."

"So be it," Ralthim surrendered, slightly bowing.  "When I find them, I will give it to them.  You have my word."

"Thank you," Korrai responded before returning to the thoughts that had driven him into Ralthim in the first place.

Ralthim, however, noticed this and asked, "You look as if you have something of great importance on your mind...  Do you wish to share it with me?"

Korrai looked up from his thoughts and stared at his friend for a moment before replying, "Yes...  I would...  But not here."



Within the tent Ralis had given to him, Korrai related the story of the events that had happened that morning to Ralthim.  Korrai left no detail out as Ralthim sat in amazement absorbing what was being told to him.  Once Korrai was finished, Ralthim took a moment to recover before reaching into his pocket and pulling something out.  Grabbing Korrai's hand, Ralthim said only, "Show me," as he dropped what he had in his hand into Korrai's.

Korrai looked at what he now held, another red crystal, but this one had a very different symbol compared to the previous he had held.  Korrai looked back up at Ralthim who merely nodded at Korrai.  Korrai then gripped the crystal and repeated what he had done with the other.  Suddenly within his other hand sat an orb of what looked like lightning.  Ralthim sat in amazement again, but when Korrai dispelled the orb, he snapped out of it and said, "Incredible..."  Korrai tried to return the crystal but Ralthim told him to keep it as he could easily get another where Korrai now worked and it could come in handy for him.



The next morning, Korrai went to work early and asked Marisa if he could use the target room.  She had no objection, but asked what he would be using to hit the targets.  He then pulled his crystal from his pocket and showed it to her, assuring her that it had been a gift from a friend.

"He'll even be here later to purchase a new one," Korrai explained, "so you'll be able to ask him yourself."

This seemed to please Marisa and she began to give him permission when a frantic sounding knock came from the door.  She quickly turned and yelled, "We're not open yet!  Come back in an hour!"

"Korrai, let me in!  It's urgent!"  the person outside the door yelled through.

"Ralthim?!" Korrai yelled back.  He then turned to Marisa and said, "He's the one who gave me the crystal.  Please, let him in!"

Marisa did so, if only to clear up the matter at hand, but as soon as he was in the shop, Ralthim blurted, "Ralis...  Neera...  Last night they must have wandered out of town, and bandits...  Oh, Korrai!  They've been kidnapped!"

Korrai was stunned...  "What?!" he just managed to exclaim.

Marisa found the obviously exhausted man a seat and some water.  "Curse that Desert Scourge gang!"

Ralthim finally managed to catch his breath enough to continue, "We received the ransom just after you left...  We have until dawn tomorrow to pay it in full or they'll kill them, Korrai...  And there's no way we can!"


To be continued...

[Gloriano]

nice:)

[icespeed]

mmm... okay.

While I'm thinking about what I think of the story, I'll write down some technique thingies that caught my attention.

In the prologue, you start far too many of your sentences with the verbs; that gets annoying. No matter what the computer or teachers might tell you about not using passive voice, passive voice can be effective especially if you mix it with active voice.

Most of your sentences are the same lingth; you appear to prefer starting new sentences with 'yet' 'but' 'however' etc. They're conjunctions, joining words. Use them as they were meant to be used and extend your sentences for a bit of variety.

Watch your punctuation. check where you have your commas and the three dots thing (...) .

The voices of your characters need some work to make them distinct from the narrator's voice and each other... but you probably knew that anyway. Ralis especially sounds stilted.

Okay, I've thought about the story. It's an interesting opening, but I don't think you do enough to set the world where they are. The pace is a bit jerky at times- something else you probably knew. This guy Korrai sounds intriguing, though... so your story's working on some level, since I'd quite like to know more about _him_.

It's a first draft, so I'd say it's pretty good.

[icespeed]

oh btw, what's with people doing all this writing all of a sudden?

[Setekh]

Originally posted by CobaltStarr
First off, yes... This is part of the project you may have heard of from this array image.  The rest of the project is on hold...

:thepimp:

I am no literary critic, but I'll tell you: I enjoyed that read. I'm a sucker for these imagined universes, I can't wait to know more of it.

[CobaltStarr]

Originally posted by icespeed
mmm... okay.

While I'm thinking about what I think of the story, I'll write down some technique thingies that caught my attention.

In the prologue, you start far too many of your sentences with the verbs; that gets annoying. No matter what the computer or teachers might tell you about not using passive voice, passive voice can be effective especially if you mix it with active voice.

Didn't notice... And it's been years since I could even try and tell you what I learned in English class. As you might be able to tell.

Most of your sentences are the same lingth; you appear to prefer starting new sentences with 'yet' 'but' 'however' etc. They're conjunctions, joining words. Use them as they were meant to be used and extend your sentences for a bit of variety.

Yeah, I've noticed that... Try as I might it still happens. My guess is I need to refresh my knowledge of English grammar.

Watch your punctuation. check where you have your commas and the three dots thing (...) .

Hadn't noticed that.

The voices of your characters need some work to make them distinct from the narrator's voice and each other... but you probably knew that anyway. Ralis especially sounds stilted.

Yeah, I kinda knew that, but as you might notice, they slowly change midway through. I'll have to rework them later.

Okay, I've thought about the story. It's an interesting opening, but I don't think you do enough to set the world where they are.

I meant to, but... Well... Oops.

The pace is a bit jerky at times- something else you probably knew.

Actually, not really. Probably just a case of being too close to the material tho'. That or it's a case of just writing what I feel with no set plan. Yep, no plan at all...

This guy Korrai sounds intriguing, though... so your story's working on some level, since I'd quite like to know more about _him_.

Thanks!

It's a first draft, so I'd say it's pretty good.

I just hope it makes it past the first draft stage myself... I still haven't finished writing any of my stories.

oh btw, what's with people doing all this writing all of a sudden?

I've posted a story or two before... They just never made it very far.

Originally posted by Setekh
[...]

I am no literary critic, but I'll tell you: I enjoyed that read. I'm a sucker for these imagined universes, I can't wait to know more of it. [...]

Thanks.



Also, HIG... Thanks to you too.

[CobaltStarr]

As Ralthim sat recovering from the desperate sprint he had made to the shop, Korrai struggled to gain control of his emotions so he could think of a way to save his friends.  "Marisa," he began, gaining the attention of the aged shopkeeper, "do you know where their camp is?"

"Somewhere just outside of town...  But that's all I know," came her reply.  Then her face twisted in thought, before she declared, "But I think I know of someone who can tell us."



A young man -- little older than Korrai -- sat in the shade of his stall's awning as he counted his inventory.  Before he could finish, however, someone came up to him.  Looking up from his wares he saw two gentlemen standing on the other side of his counter, both staring at him.  "Can I help you...?"

Ralthim was the first to speak, "We need information..."

But before Ralthim could finish, Korrai quickly cut him off, "The Desert Scourges...  Where's their camp?"

"Are you insane?!" came the merchant's reply, panicked to within an inch of heart attack.  He looked randomly around the area, as if someone would attack him at any moment...  When the attack failed to appear, he calmed, but only slightly.  "If I told you that, they'd kill us, our families, and our families' families!  I can't!  I can't!"

Korrai looked straight into the merchant's eyes as he calmly and cooly, said, "What if they never get the chance?"  The merchant froze in place, unmoving as the look overwhelmed him.  Ralthim noticed this, but said nothing.  "Where are they?" Korrai asked the merchant, and in his current state he told them everything, answering any question they had.  In minutes, Korrai and Ralthim knew all there was to know about the gang and left.

Shortly afterward, the merchant curled himself into a ball and began mumbling the same phrase, over and over.  "And his eyes shall gaze through you, piercing your mortal soul."



Korrai and Ralthim returned to Marisa's shop as they formulated their plan. The camp would be heavily guarded, and the two were trying to decide if they would go in hard -- a brute force, frontal attack -- or quiet -- sneaking into the camp and rescuing their friends before anyone realized it.  Korrai, having completely lost control of his emotions, was opting for a frontal assault and Ralthim was having trouble making him see reason.

"If we do that, the bandits could kill them while we're still fighting our way through their ranks!" Ralthim yelled.

Korrai, however, still wasn't listening...  "Not if we hit them so hard that they can't move!"

Marisa, quickly realizing what was about happen if she didn't do something, moved as fast as she could from behind the counter and right up to Korrai.  Raising her hand, she drew back and slapped him...  Hard.  So hard that Korrai lost his balance, falling to the ground before he realized what had happened.  It was then that everything cleared for him and he saw what he had become.

Looking first to Marisa, then Ralthim, and back to Marisa.  Korrai quickly discovered what he had been about to do and ran off through the door to the storeroom.  Ralthim, by this point was lost to the events that had just unfolded.  "What...?" he tried to ask, but was interrupted by Marisa.

"I tell you this out of concern for your safety..." she said, the distress she felt apparent on her face.  "Until I hit him, he was not the friend you knew.  He held the crystal you gave him and prepared to use it against you."

Ralthim was shocked by her words.  He quickly ran past her and sought out Korrai.  It didn't take long for him to find the still open door to the target room where he found Korrai, where he stood panting as smoke rose from one of the targets.

Ralthim hadn't failed to notice it.  "Korrai!  Tell me she is lying!  Tell me that THAT," he said, pointing at the still smoking target, "wasn't meant for me!"

Korrai turned and looked at his friend, but for the first time since he had learned how, his speech failed him.  He wanted desperately to tell Ralthim what he wanted to hear, but he couldn't.  Korrai finally let everything go, dropping to his knees as tears began streaming down his face, barely choking out an apology through the sobs.  Ralthim could only stand there as Korrai continued to apologize between the sobs that racked his entire body.

Marisa just slumped into a chair as the sobs echoed throughout the shop.  She had felt it when Korrai had tried to cast that spell and had reacted out of fear and instinct, she just couldn't believe it.  "How?" she said looking back towards the storeroom.  "How could he...?  How?"



It took an hour before all three had recovered from what had almost happened.  But finally they were able to formulate a plan to rescue Ralis and Neera from the bandits that held them.  Korrai and Ralthim waited until night had fallen before moving in.  Korrai would be acting as a decoy, and now held two new crystals that Ralthim had given him as well as a fighting rod he had bought himself.

Waiting for Ralthim's signal, Korrai looked over the camp, remembering where he needed to approach to succeed with their plan.  Just as he began to go over the plan for the thousandth time, he saw the flash from Ralthim's signal mirror.  Korrai moved forward, deliberately heading towards one of the alarms the bandits had placed around their camp.  Nearing the camp, he tightened his grip on the rod he carried.

Ralthim also moved toward the camp, climbing down the side of the cliff wall that the bandits had placed their camp against.  It was dangerous, but less so than being caught by the bandits as they had minimal security here.  Reaching the bottom, Ralthim quickly hid behind one of the tents before one of the three guards he had spotted from above discovered him.  Now it was his turn to wait.

Korrai didn't know precisely where the alarm was, just that once he triggered it, guards would come running in his direction.  Korrai felt something against his ankle as he stepped forward and suddenly he heard several very loud bells ringing nearby.  Quickly following the sound, the guards ran towards the intruder, weapons drawn.  Korrai readied his weapon as well, remembering the lessons Ralthim had given him earlier, and prepared to face what was coming.

Ralthim sat patient until he heard the sound of the alarm. Moving rapidly, he pounced on the nearby guard that had turned in the direction of the alarm.  The unconscious guard fell to the ground as Ralthim moved off, searching every tent he found as quickly and quietly as he could.

Korrai was waist deep in trouble as the guards swarmed to him, but while he was losing ground, they were losing men.  Korrai moved with an almost unnatural grace and speed, lashing his rod back and forth as he slowly knocked out each and every guard that approached him.  But the guards continued to come, relentlessly pursuing him as he drew them away.

It had taken Ralthim several minutes but he had found his friends...  Sadly, they had been killed many hours ago by what he had seen.  Ralthim raced back to the cliff wall and climbed with everything he had.  Once at the top, he pulled out a telescope and looked to where Korrai had set off the alarm.  There he found a trail of unconscious guards leading away from the camp.  Following it, he nearly missed the huge man who also followed it toward its source.  He then continued on and finally found Korrai...

Korrai was surrounded and fighting for his life as the guards approached from every angle.  He was barely managing to keep them at bay until suddenly they all stopped and opened a path.  There at the end of the path stood a towering figure of a man.  He walked into the expanding circle towards Korrai, but stopped just short of his attack range.  The huge man looked around at the unconscious men lying about and motioned to the others.  They instantly swooped in and dragged their comrades out of the way.

"You seem to be quite the fighter, boy," the giant stated.  "Well I am the leader of this gang, and to pick a fight with them is to pick a fight with me."  With that said, he removed his jacket and drew his sword.  Korrai suddenly didn't like the plan anymore, but he didn't fail to prepare himself for the fight that was to come.

Ralthim could only watch as the two took their stances and began sizing each other up.  Korrai remained defensive, waiting for the gang leader to make the first move.  And he did, thrusting his sword forward but Korrai easily parried it away.  Wasting no time, Korrai counterattacked, throwing a sweep at his opponent's leg.  The leader moved to parry it, but it was a feint and Korrai thrust his rod at his chest.  The blow hit solidly and knocked him backwards slightly.  Unfortunately, the leader seemed otherwise unaffected and took his stance again.

Korrai watched his opponent carefully, looking for a sign that he was about to attack.  But now the gang leader was being cautious, looking for an opening to present itself.  Korrai looked for one of his own, but couldn't find it.  Realizing he would have to make one, Korrai threw another feint, this time at the leader's head, but the leader was ready for it and ducked it, throwing his own attack.  Korrai winced as the attack grazed his arm but did nothing else thanks to his quick dodge.

Exhausted due to the earlier fighting, Korrai got creative, thrusting his rod at his opponent's foot, the leader dodged by stepping backward, but this was just what Korrai wanted.  Planting his rod into the ground, Korrai launched himself, pressing against the rod to propel himself higher.  The leader was startled by his opponent's sudden change in tactics, not realizing that Korrai was landing behind him with rod in hand.  A quick twist brought the rod smashing against the leader's temple, knocking him unconscious as he flipped to the ground.

Surprised at the turn of events, the bandits fled, leaving Korrai alone with their unconscious friends.  Taking the moment to catch his breath, Korrai then headed off for his rendezvous with Ralthim and hopefully his friends.  But upon hearing the terrible news, Korrai broke down to tears once again.

[Gloriano]

Don't stop Keep writing:)

[Windrunner]

i'll get back to you with my reply when i have read the story, i am slow reader

[CobaltStarr]

Until I came, I was considering taking down chapter 3 since I wasn't too happy with it...  Instead I'll leave it up, but I'm still going to do a rewrite.  In fact, I'm gonna do some work on everything I've written so far in order to fix some problems and expand on the world I'm trying to build. I don't expect to have anything ready for posting for a while. In the meantime, here's a little map I made for the story today.


Click for larger image.

It was built off part of a LunarCell planet map, but it's still neat, no?

[icespeed]

Whooooooa... that's a mad fighting scene you got there, only a bit of polishing with the punctuation and stuff needed... I loved that!

Thoughts: do a little scene setting before the fighting, just a coupla sentences saying, I dunno, there were tents and there was sand and whatever else. I think you skip too much description, which makes your writing nicely fast-paced, but sometimes gets the reader working a bit too hard...

"And his eyes shall gaze through you, piercing your mortal soul..." ooooh, that's nice. That's very nice.

Umm... okay, I'm going to play the sceptic and say, how come Korrai and Ralthim got to be such good friends so quickly? That's another one of those things you could fix with some description...

Wow, man, keep writing, this is pretty cool stuff...

(As for unfinished first drafts, well, I can empathise with that... but try and finish this one, yeah? This looks like to be getting good.)

[CobaltStarr]

Originally posted by icespeed
Whooooooa... that's a mad fighting scene you got there, only a bit of polishing with the punctuation and stuff needed... I loved that!

If you liked that (I'm not all that happy with it since it's technically his first fight since the amnesia or whatever), then you might like the fight I wrote in an aborted story called "CyberGames" that I posted back in August (found here if you're interested). Eventually, I'm gonna go back to it (after finishing ManaStorm first), but with a new angle to the story (as soon as I refine it).

Thoughts: do a little scene setting before the fighting, just a coupla sentences saying, I dunno, there were tents and there was sand and whatever else. I think you skip too much description, which makes your writing nicely fast-paced, but sometimes gets the reader working a bit too hard...

Yeah, I realized that too. Part of why I'm not so happy with it.

"And his eyes shall gaze through you, piercing your mortal soul..." ooooh, that's nice. That's very nice.

Thanks, although that line almost didn't make the cut.

Umm... okay, I'm going to play the sceptic and say, how come Korrai and Ralthim got to be such good friends so quickly? That's another one of those things you could fix with some description...

One more part of why I'm not so happy with the chapter....

Wow, man, keep writing, this is pretty cool stuff...

(As for unfinished first drafts, well, I can empathise with that... but try and finish this one, yeah? This looks like to be getting good.)

Thanks! With the pace I'm managing tho', this looks to be the first story I'll actually finish. *Crosses fingers, hoping I haven't jinxed it.*

[Gloriano]

kinda nice map:)

[icespeed]

I'm writing all these opinions in consideration of the fact that it's a first draft. Allowances must be made for stupid things...

Just one thing: I thought people could have amnesia where they forget everything personal, but they still remember how to do stuff- like their mind's screwed but their body remembers.

[pyro-manic]

Can happen - like in "The Bourne Identity" - not a clue who he is, but can still kick the merry crap out of anybody. Shame about the film, though......

Very good, CS - don't stop! I'm liking this a lot...

[Lightspeed]

I like it. The language (style) could use some extra work on some parts but it's really, really good.

Add more descriptive details and it will be perfect.