[Setekh]

Hey guys. Right now in Sydney, the day of December 15 is just about drawing to a close. Four months ago today, my mum passed away. Having passed that milestone, and being in holidays (so, not too rushed by the rigours of semester or exams or other insanities), I've had the opportunity to have some good times of quiet thought about the process of grieving and mourning the loss of a family member.

Just to say a few words to try and summarise what I've been thinking, I guess I was most intrigued by the privilege it's brought to me. Since the past three years of Mum's life were particularly torturous, I've been in some measure freed from the thought that her leaving this life is so much a bad thing. In that light, particularly as a Christian, I've been trying to think through how this experience has made me able to help others. Even on the pragmatic side alone, experiencing the whole string of events that is required when a death occurs in modern society - informing people, organising the funeral, putting things into place to make up for the permanent absence of a person from the daily routine - has provided me with tremedous insights. That's not to say anything about how much I understand emotionally now of when people speak about death as something that can be (and is indeed) experienced by people merely connected with one who has died.

More than that, I think I'm beginning to see a picture of how grief is different for each person; some people cry, some have no tears, some must keep themselves busy and distracted, some people are stopped in their tracks from all activity, some people cling to relationships, some people withdraw from relationships. There is so much diversity. Which, I guess, is the main reason why I want to ask you guys what your experiences of grief - however varied, for something else I've understood is that grief is qualitative rather than quantitative, so in that sense all grief is equal - have been, and what you've learnt from them - about yourself and about others.

If you're not game to talk or don't wish to contribute in that way, that's okay.

[Gloriano]

There's been lot grief and really sad time in my life that I could almost write book about it , some times i cry while i think about my friends who have passed away and some times i think good memories.

One thing i learned from grief that i need move on, but still rememper those who has passed away in my memories.

[Singh]

Not that much grief in my life unfortunately.

Most of the time, when I do get it, I'm just slowed down for a few days, mulling over it. Then I realise, I've got a life to live, and a job to finish - something that needs to be done, with or without them.

It works, and I keep going. Even if its a bit slower and harder than before.

[Clave]

My brother died when he was 20, I was pretty angry about that.

A quick explanation of why:  My brother was at the time very badly off financially, he had just moved into a run-down caravan (trailer home for US viewers)  It had electricity and gas, but no heating whatsoever.  In desperation he had rigged up an old motorcycle cylinder on the stove to act as a radiator.  But what he didn't know was that all the ventilation slots had been blocked.  So you can pretty much guess that the next two words are Carbon Monoxide....

It was just kind of senseless and pointless waste, and after years of not understanding what he was about, I had begun to understand him.  He was essentially a hippy, but in a good way.  It was him that got me into Led Zeppelin and the like, because although he was younger than me, he had done more interesting things....

The funeral was also a revelation, because, although I thought I knew him and his tiny circle of friends, about a hundred people turned up out of the blue at his funeral, mostly bikers, hippies, and hells angels.  He must have made an impression on a lot of people....

As for the grief, well, it was just numbness for about a year, then it all came out and after that I felt better.  

My parents never talk about him, ever....

Even after all these years have passed, I still remember him now and then, RIP my bro....

[an0n]

Originally posted by Setekh
I'm beginning to see a picture of how grief is different for each person; some people cry, some have no tears, some must keep themselves busy and distracted, some people are stopped in their tracks from all activity, some people cling to relationships, some people withdraw from relationships. There is so much diversity.

........

Could that not just be them doing whatever the hell they were going to do anyway?

It's like saying "When a relative dies, very few people take up Bowling".

It's assigning significance to random things, when the only real noticable differences in that person's behaviour are the result of you never really having thought about their actions before.

Like if my Cat died and I drew a picture of a bike. Normally, you wouldn't even care that I'd drawn a bike, but because you're sat staring at me, looking for odd things, you see the bike, don't remember me drawing one before (because you weren't paying attention) and go "Hmmm. Bikes and cats, eh?"

People are odd. But when someone dies, you clamour around with that pack-mentality because you're emotionally insecure. So you start looking for oddness in others as a reassurance that you're dealing with the loss just the same as everyone else.

[Carl]

i think what he means is they weren't doing those things before. he's noticing a change in behavior toward those things.

[an0n]

Yes, he's noticed[/b] a change. Doesn't mean there was one.

That's the trouble with DIY-psychology - you can never be objective.

[Dark_4ce]

Hmm... Like you said, grief and death of a loved one is porbably different for every single person. I personally was in the room when my father died of cancer. And theoughout my whole life he'd been ill with various diseases. Kidney failure, dialysis, then after almost dying he got a new kidney, and everything seemed fine. Then he got cancer. Fought that for 5 years, won. And two years after it came back. He died over 7 years ago, and its still tough on me.
The funny thing is, all my life I knew that he was on borrowed time, but after seeing him win and go through so much, to actually have him lose in the end was quite shocking. He was like superman to me. nothing could hurt him, cause he pritty much survived everything. But when he died, it just came as a shock and a realisation. And I still dont know if I'm happy or sad to have been there when he died. To see his last moments. In pain. But to know that he still wasnt alone.
When he passed away, I didn't cry, and four years down the line I was unable to cry about anything. I was grieved beyon anything, but still didn't cry. I was happy to know that he wasnt anymore in pain. But still...

Its tough Setekh, I know. What I learned from my grief, is that it'll never truly leave you. It changes you into the person you are now. For we are always changing. Its just another phase in life. And I learned to accept it and move on. I still catch myself thinking about that last day. But Then I think about how lucky I had been for all the years before that. That I had my father for as long as I did. I'm no longer that kid I was before it.

But we all take it differently. I guess the most important thing to know is that in the end. Were never alone.

[Killfrenzy]

Steak, I know exactly how you feel. I lost my father a year and a half ago. It came right out of the blue and smacked my family between the eyes - he'd always been a healthy man. It was a brain haemhorrage (sp?) that got him at 48.

Dark_4ce is right in that it'll never leave you. You can always find the pain and loss if you look for it, but time ticks on and it dominates your life less and less.

When my father died, I didn't really notice for two weeks. I was an autopilot, almost as if I'd filed away the information to deal with later. Having A-Level exams kept me busy.

The trick isn't so much to come to terms with the grief and loss, but to take a deep breath and remember the person's life with a smile on your face. After all, if they exist in your memories are they really gone?

[vyper]

The last major loss for me was when my Gran died. That was 2000. I remember the fact that unlike everyone else I didn't feel all that different from what I had a few days previously.

I think what allowed me to rise above the quagmire that is pain was the fact I could feel removed from the situation compared to almost everyone else who spent their time going through the Catholic grieving process (which as anyone who's ever experienced will tell you is long, arduous and bloody morbid).
I was able to move on within days and say - she lived well and she made us all happy, and now she's moved on to whatever comes next (even if that is the abyss). I never gave it much more thought. I worried more about my future, about the exams I had in a few months time that would decide my Higher results: In short, I got on with life. Others in my family aren't so lucky - they can't pass by a flower stall without thinking how nice they would look at my gran's grave.