[aldo_14]

**URGENT - GLASGOW EARTHQUAKE APPEAL***

AT 00.54 ON WEDNESDAY 23RD FEBRUARY 2005 A MAJOR EARTHQUAKE MEASURING 4.8 ON THE RICHTER SCALE EPICENTERED ON GLASGOW.

Victims could be seen wandering around aimlessly muttering: "Ah wiz ****tin' masel", "Ah need some jeellies".

The Earthquake decimated the area, causing approximately £38 worth of damage.

Untold disruption and distress was caused:

Many were woken well before their giro's had arrived

Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish Costas were damaged Three areas of historic and scientifically significant litter were disturbed

The cone also fell off the head of the statue outside the Modern Art Gallery

Thousands are confused and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting has actually happened in Glasgow

One resident, Mary-Alice McGregor, a 17 year old mother-of-three said "It was such a shock, little Chelsea came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Britney slept through it. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning."

Apparently though, looting did carry on as normal. The British Red Cross have so far managed to ship 4000 crates of buckfast to the area to help the stricken masses.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings including benefit books, dodgy credit cards and jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos.

HOW YOU CAN HELP :-

Clothing is most sought after.

Items required include: -
-Sovvy rings
-Baseball caps
-Shell suits
-Tesco two stripe trainers
-White socks
-Chunky gold chains

Food parcels may be harder to put together but are necessary all the same.

Required foodstuffs include: -
-F a g g o t s
-Buckfast
-Grey Peas
-Buckfast
-Pork Scratchings
-Buckfast
-Tripe and Onions
-Buckfast
-"Pigs Blood Pud"
-Buckfast
-Fray Bentos Pies
-Buckfast

* £2 buys chips, scraps and ginger for a family of four

* £10 can take a family to Coatbridge for the day, where children can sniff glue and spike up among the national collection of stinging nettles

* 22p buys a biro for filling in a spurious compensation claim form.

Please send "any spare change" to your local Red Cross.

EDIT; why the **** is f@ggot censored?  It's a form of food for fecks sake!

[Sandwich]

@ whole post

And f@ggot is a derogatory term for gays IIRC.

[aldo_14]

Originally posted by Sandwich
@ whole post

And f@ggot is a derogatory term for gays IIRC.

It's also a form of food; http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/2698507.stm

[Sapphire]

Pretty clever if you made that up that all by yourself--although I don't know what half the things on the list are.

[vyper]

Seen that before mate quite good. Not as good as Windaes Taethoosand....

"You are too pished to operate this machine"
"Aye awright" , "Naw **** aff" "Yer gettin done"

[karajorma]

I loved the crack about the area being devestated to the tune of £38

[aldo_14]

Originally posted by Sapphire
Pretty clever if you made that up that all by yourself--although I don't know what half the things on the list are.

All you need to know

[Nico]

Originally posted by Sapphire
Pretty clever if you made that up that all by yourself--although I don't know what half the things on the list are.

same here.

[Clave]

Funny stuff!

I like the thought of donating soveriegn rings to help the tasteless people...

[Flipside]

If Star Wars were set in Glasgow...
Darth Vader would referred to as 'Auld Helmet Heid' or in moments of stress 'That Dome-Heided Basturd'.

Chewbacca would look roughly the same except he'd only be about 5ft tall, from Blackhill and called Shug. He'd have the same amount of body hair but would also have tattoos, would permanently smell of drink and sport a Rangers top.

Obi-Wan Kenobi would invariably be referred to as Chief or Big Yin by his cohorts. People trying to start a fight with him would address him as Wanky-Nobby.

R2D2 would refuse to go out on the streets after 10pm because of the number of drunks who would try to stuff chip papers in his head casing or piss on him. He would also refuse to go near groups of wee boys at any time because of the high risk of being spray painted/dumped in front of a speeding train/set on fire.

Although proficient in over 3500 languages C3P0 would still be unable to understand anything anyone from the East End of Glasgow said. He would regularly get beaten up for being a 'greetin-faced poof fae Milngavie'.

The Millenium Falcon would have static strips, tinted windscreens and extra-flared exhaust ports. It would have a Daily Record I Love Scotland sticker in the back window and a saltire bumper sticker.

Princess Leia would get captured by Darth Vader because it's hard to run very fast when you're wearing 5 inch platform heels and a tiny silver mini-skirt which keeps hiking up over your arse every two steps. And you've been a heavy smoker since you were 6.

The best way to destroy the Death Star would not turn out to be a desperate all out attack. Two easy ways would be - alter its orbit so it passed through Bridgeton and tell the locals it was full of kafflicks, or - leave it unattended in Easterhouse.

Lines from the film as they would be uttered in the vernacular:-

Han Solo "I've got a real bad feeling about this"
"Ah'm ****in' ma sel' here boy"

"Bring 'em on! I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around."
"Come right ahead then c**ts! Fight the f**ing lot o ye!"

"There's no mystical energy field controls my destiny." "
The Force?!! D'youse think ah came doon wi the rain?!"

"Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid."
"Nae messin aboot wi the god squad and auld rubbish, wee man. Get yersel' a decent shooter"

Darth Vader trying to shoot down Luke Skywalker:
"The Force is strong in this one"
"Stop shooglin' ya wee b*stad!"

Princess Leia:
"You're a little short for a Stormtrooper aren't you?"
"Ah didny think they took short-erses in the polis?"

"This bucket of bolts is never going to get us past that blockade."
"Wuv goat NAE chance in this pile o' sh*te"

Admiral Motti:
"Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader."
"You think you're that hard, Vader so ye do. Well we're no feart ae you!"

Obi Wan:
"I felt a great disturbance in the Force."
"F*** me! whit wiz aw that?"

Luke to the Emperor:
"Your overconfidence is your weakness."
"Oh ye bloody think so?, i'll make you feel the f***ing force pal!!"

[Kie99]

Buck fast makes you f-  I'll save that one for parties.

17 Year old mother of three

[Janos]

Originally posted by Sandwich
@ whole post

And f@ggot is a derogatory term for gays IIRC.

F A G is also a term for a cigarette.

The word filters drive me mad, is this place filled with 13 year olds?

[Petrarch of the VBB]

Hehehe. Good stuff.

[Gank]

Good stuff

Incidentally I'm off tae Glasgae in the mornin tae pick up a kitchen off Ikea with me ma, anywhere of interest if I get a bit of spare time?

[Falcon]

[aldo_14]

Originally posted by Gank
Good stuff

Incidentally I'm off tae Glasgae in the mornin tae pick up a kitchen off Ikea with me ma, anywhere of interest if I get a bit of spare time?

Oooh....there's a game at Ibrox, the motorway'll be mobbed.

[Gank]

****e, trying to get up and down in one day, any idea how long itd take to get from stranraer to glasgow?

[Nuclear1]

Darth Vader trying to shoot down Luke Skywalker:
"The Force is strong in this one"
"Stop shooglin' ya wee b*stad!"

That one particularly tickled me.

[aldo_14]

Originally posted by Gank
****e, trying to get up and down in one day, any idea how long itd take to get from stranraer to glasgow?

Not a clue.  Not a driver yet, natch.... if you get caught in the pre/post match traffic, then it'll take hours.  I remember taking about 2, 2 and half hours to get home (about 10-20 miles) after a Champions League game against Monaco.

EDIT; I think, though, you should avoid the worst of it.  Worst jams are between the rought Braehead / airport area towards Ibrox (and also the west, but you won't be coming from there) - with any luck you'll be at Braehead before encountering the worst of it.

[Gank]

Match at 3 aye, prob miss the worst of it, be more worried about driving through crowds of pissed up ranger fans in an Irish reg van.