[theoneofblood]

Here it begins, a weekly exerpt-update thread. Where I post parts of my Freespace movie screenplay and you rip it to pieces.

To begin with, I'll re-post the intro sequence and then continue on to the next scene. Then you can comment, or simply read and then laugh yourself into a premature coronary-failure episode.

WARNING: This section contains coarse language and sexual references, don't read it if you find either offensive.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

1) EXT. DENEB –- 2.28.2335

FADE IN: Hues of blue and green swirl and coalesce in thick, billowing clouds. Red and yellow run through these colours in thin veins.

SUPER: Universal Studios Presents

A deeper, darker red flows over the other colours. Suddenly, lightning rips across the clouds.

SUPER: A Genesis Films Production

We zoom out from the clouds to reveal the vast green-grey planet of Deneb.

Two Hercules Class I Heavy-Assault Fighters roar overhead. Following behind them we can see several wings of other small craft, as well as a fleet of Freighter Craft, two Fenris Class ships and Orion Class Destroyer.

CUT TO: A BOYISH PILOT of one of the Heavy-Assault Fighters is seated within his craft. He gazes out over the planet in wonder.
[/I]
BOYISH PILOT
God, nobody ever told me it was so beautiful.

FRIENDLY PILOT (Over the intercom)
Never been to Deneb before?

BOYISH PILOT
No, never.

FRIENDLY PILOT
How does it feel, kid?

BOYISH PILOT (Grinning)
Better than a cold beer and a naked Tahitian.

FRIENDLY PILOT
Ha! You haven’t been away from home for too long then. Trust me. After a while, you’d take a piss on the glory of the Horsehead for a chance to even dream of those things.

BOYISH PILOT
Something to look forward to then.

Both pilots laugh.

There is a brief silence.

BOYISH PILOT
Thank you for that.

FRIENDLY PILOT
You're nervous, huh?

BOYISH PILOT
Well... yeah. I've been in skirmishes before, but nothing as big as this. Fighting toe-to-toe with the Shivans... it scares me.

FRIENDLY PILOT
I'd think you were crazy if it didn't. Catching a Shivan fleet unawares is damn hard, and when you do it they get mad as hell. We're going to have to move fast.

BOYISH PILOT
I know.

FRIENDLY PILOT
Sorry, I sound just like Command.

BOYISH PILOT
That a bad thing?

FRIENDLY PILOT
How could it be good?

Blue-White flashes suddenly blossom in the distance for the briefest of moments.

COMMAND (Over the Intercom)
Shivan presence confirmed. All wings, engage the enemy.

FRIENDLY PILOT (Sighing)
Come on kid, time to light em’ up.

BOYISH PILOT
Yeah…

The BOYISH PILOT digs into his pocket and produces a small disc. He presses a button on the top. A hologram appears. It is a 3d image of a young woman, smiling softly. The bottom of the disc says: “Jayna”.

The pilot presses a button on his flight controls, the after-burners engage, filling the screen with their white-hot light.

SUPER: The Battle of Deneb 2.28.2335

Adrift in whiteness, we hear the sounds of the battle of Deneb. The high-pitched whine of the Fighters contrasted with the heavy thunder of the Plasma Cannons and the other-worldly buzz of the Shivans. Over the top of it, we start to hear the sound of somebody hyper-ventilating. Soon all sound is reduced to nothing, and all that can be heard is the breathing of the Boyish Pilot.

BOYISH PILOT
Oh God! He’s on my six! I can’t shake him!

(A Beat)

BOYISH PILOT
****! Where is he?! I can’t see anything!

(Another Beat)

BOYISH PILOT
Please, help me! Help me! I don’t want to die! I’m scared! Help me! For the love of God! Somebody! Hel…

An ear-shattering explosion cuts the words of the pilot short.

There is a five second pause and then the whistling of the wind can be heard. The white rolls back like cloud to reveal the surface of Deneb. It is a barren wasteland. The scattered debris of the Terran fleet can be seen across the landscape.

EDWARD ROSEN (V.O.)
Thirty-two years have passed since the Great War. The Shivans vanished half a lifetime ago.

We pan past the broken remnants of the fleet. Twisted and scorched metal can be seen everywhere.

EDWARD ROSEN (V.O.) [CONT’D]
Now we live in the mausoleum of history. We inherit the legacy of ghosts. The elders call us the lost generation.

We move closer to the wreckage. The human toll begins to become apparent. Bleached-white, sand-blasted skeletons dot the plains.

EDWARD ROSEN (V.O.) [CONT’D]
I remember stories of a glorious civilization. Of cities with spires that reached the sun.

Panning across further we come to a crashed Hercules Class II Fighter/Bomber, the hatch open. A small blue light can be seen flashing.

EDWARD ROSEN (V.O.) [CONT’D]
And a blue planet, with vast seas.

The small blue light is revealed to be the hologram Jayna, still pathetically clutched in the hand of a skeleton, dressed in full flight gear.

EDWARD ROSEN (V.O.) [CONT’D]
Of a people with myths of humanity everlasting. Of children who saw, in the burning embers of dying stars, the destiny of their race.

The camera begins to ascend upwards, through the clouds. Out of the atmosphere of the planet.

EDWARD ROSEN (V.O.) [CONT’D]
And they hurled themselves into the void of space, with no fear.

We see the horizon of the planet of Deneb.

EDWARD ROSEN (V.O.) [CONT’D]
They say our people have no present. Only a past filled with horror.

The gutted remains of an Orion Class Destroyer passes by; an ugly skeleton.

EDWARD ROSEN (V.O.) [CONT’D]
And a future we can only dream of.

The remains of the Destroyer continue to orbit around Deneb. At one point, the star of Deneb shines through the shattered hulk, filling the screen with white light once more.

SUPER: Dragon Beneath the Waves

2) INT. BEACH SHACK, VEGA III -- DAY

FADE TO: A small seashell necklace gently resting on NALA’s chest. Vibrant spots of light dance on her skin. We begin to slowly pull back.

NALA (O.S.)
 (Whispering)
What time is it?

EDWARD (O.S.)
 (Whispering back)
Half-Eight.

NALA
(Smiling and stretching)
How long was I asleep?

EDWARD
About six hours.

By now we have pulled back enough to see that EDWARD and NALA lie naked together on a simple bed, facing one another. The room is a wooden shack. Outside the waves can be heard crashing.

EDWARD
(Teasingly)
Guess we worked pretty hard, huh?

NALA
Oh, so its work is it?

EDWARD
The hardest kind anyone ever has to do.

NALA
You think you could try it again?

EDWARD
(Smiling)
Maybe.

They kiss, EDWARD’s hand reaches for NALA’s breast. He comes across the necklace and pauses to lightly feel the shell.

EDWARD
I’ve been meaning to ask, where did you get this? Isn’t it from Earth?

NALA
(Hesitating slightly)
…Yeah. It’s my grandmother’s. She gave it to me before the Jump Node closed.

EDWARD
So… she’s still there?

NALA
My whole family is. I was the only one out of system when the Shivans attacked.

EDWARD
I’m sorry.

NALA
Yeah, you and just about everyone else.

(A beat)

EDWARD
I’ve ruined the mood haven’t I?

NALA
Nah, that’s ok.

There is a silence. We hear the crash of the waves.

NALA
What about… you?

EDWARD
What?

NALA
Do you have any family on Earth?

EDWARD
I… well, I guess my Dad’s there.

NALA
Oh? I… um… thought he died in the Node Collapse?

There is another silence.

EDWARD
Yeah…

Suddenly there is a huge burst of noise, a sound not unlike a harrier jump-jet. Small trinkets fall off shelves, air blasts the door open.

EDWARD
Oh ****.

NALA
Not already!

EDWARD jumps out of bed and pulls on a pair of underpants.

NALA [CONT’D]
Do they have to be such assholes?

EDWARD
(Shrugging whilst putting on pants)
Yeah, it’s military procedure.

EDWARD walks towards the door. His shirt and jacket slung over his shoulder. At the exit he stops and turns back.

EDWARD
Nala, do you want me to write down your serial?

NALA
(Laughing)
Thanks Edward, but I’d rather not have you blowing up halfway across the Alliance Territory and leaving me to cry over a cheap plaque.

EDWARD
I don’t blame you.
------------------------------------------------------

Flame away.

[Charismatic]

Pritty good. One part i was not sure on (its probably just me), was the "to cry over a cheap plaque.", what does that mean?
Also, what were they being 'called in' for?

[InfernoGod]

*rips up script*
What, you said we could rip it up?
It's good so far.

[theoneofblood]

This is derived from two points. Typically if a pilot was killed in space, he'd have no bodily remains as he'd tend to have either exploded or been sucked into vacum.

Thus, all Nala would really have to mark Edward's death would be a plaque of some type.

Secondly, a large number of pilots die, it can be assumed that the plaques are relatively inexpensive (They aren't pure platinum or anything).

Hence, the plaque could be considered "cheap".

As for why Edward is being called in... well that shall be revealed.

[Charismatic]

Ok, thank you.
IFG play nice..

[Cobra]

1 word: NICE.

I'm inspired...

[theoneofblood]

Here is the 2nd Exerpt.

WARNING: This piece contains coarse language and adult references

------------------------------------------------

3) EXT. BEACH SHACK, VEGA III –- DAY

EDWARD walks away from the shack, kicking at the pitch-black sand. We pan over and see that a large Elysium Class Transport has landed fifty metres away. The door has been opened, a man, called ARAM, in a prim and clean-cut light brown coat steps out.
[/I]
ARAM
Hey Eddy, time to go.

EDWARD
You’ve got a real knack for timing.

The two of them walk to the Transport.

ARAM
Hey hey, I didn’t plan on dropping by here. This is just a routine Marine Recruit Pick-Up, and we happened to notice your Trace Signal, Command told us to pick you up, so we did.

EDWARD
Uh-huh.

They enter the transport.

4) INT. ELYSIUM CLASS TRANSPORT –- DAY

EDWARD and ARAM walk through the docking doors. We follow them as they pass two Marines who stand at attention. They travel through a wide passage and then come to a large chamber, where marines sit on benches, strapped to the walls. The ranking Marine, a CAPTAIN, salutes ARAM and EDWARD. They salute back.

ARAM
We’ll launch in one hundred and thirty-five seconds.

CAPTAIN
Thank you, sir.

The Captain then turns to the marines as ARAM and EDWARD walk on.

CAPTAIN
Ok, assholes. We’re going super-strata in one-hundred and ten, so hold on tight and let’s not have any embarrassing accidents like last time, ok?

CUT TO: ARAM and EDWARD come to the control deck; the PILOT seated there turns around.

PILOT
Lieutenant Rosen, right?

EDWARD
Yeah.

PILOT
****, I read about your father at the Academy, it’s an honour to meet you.

EDWARD
Why?

PILOT
Well… because, you know…

EDWARD
I’m not my dad.

PILOT
Yes sir. Sorry.

ARAM
(Rolling his eyes)
Just launch us KJ.

PILOT
Right…

The PILOT presses a multitude of buttons, the engine of the Elysium Transport rumbles to life and the ship begins to take off.

5) EXT. BEACH SHACK, VEGA III –- DAY

NALA leans against the frame of the door, wearing hurriedly-thrown on clothing, looking out as the Transport lifts off.

6) INT. ELYSIUM CLASS TRANSPORT -- DAY

PILOT casually leans back and activates the intercom.

PILOT
Good morning Marines, I hope you enjoyed your little break, because we’ll be flying the express route to the Aquitaine. That means no tea and biscuits for the next thirty minutes.

CUT TO: The Marines roar and laugh. Some of them give the finger, others mock-masturbate and roll their eyes.

MARINE
And **** you too!

CUT TO: The PILOT at the controls.

PILOT
(Into the intercom)
I hope you pussies can hold out.

ARAM and EDWARD grin.

EDWARD
Do you have to piss them off like that?

PILOT
(Shrugging nonchalantly)
No.

7) EXT. VEGA III STRATOSPHERE –- DAY

The Elysium Transport roars upwards, its blue-gold boosters leaving jets of delicate glittering smoke in its wake.

8) INT. ELYSIUM CLASS TRANSPORT –- DAY

One of the marines throws up as they rapidly ascend. The others laugh and groan.

CAPTAIN
Bana, Jesus!

PILOT
(Over the intercom)
Looks like we have a winner!

CUT TO: The three Pilots at the controls. Through the window we can see the stars rise up as the sky fades away and the Transport reaches low-orbit altitude.

PILOT
You know, my old flight commander used to say that the pull of the afterburners was like God’s way of letting you know where your nuts were.

ARAM
(Grinning)
Almost better than sex!

PILOT
Almost?!

The PILOT flicks a switch.

9) EXT. ELYSIUM CLASS TRANSPORT –- DAY

With a guttural scream, the afterburners engage. The boosters give off white flame as the ship rockets forward.

10) INT. ELYSIUM CLASS TRANSPORT -- DAY

A distant speck in the distance rapidly grows in size as the Transport hurls forward. It becomes readily apparent that the speck is in fact a spaceship. Several other ships, roughly a quarter the size of the larger one, float nearby. Elysium Transports and Fighters fly in between them.

11) EXT. GTD AQUITAINE -- DAY

We move past the massive Capital Ship, bearing witness to its awesome majesty. Huge Plasma Cannons dot the vessel, smaller AF Guns and Beam Turrets can be seen casually rotating back and forth, two of the ship’s four Beam Cannons can be seen. The words; “GTD AQUITAINE” mark the side of this gargantuan spaceship.

The Elysium Class Transport, which formerly looked so impressive, is but a speck as it moves towards the cavernous primary docking bay of the GTD Aquitaine.

12) INT. ELYSIUM CLASS TRANSPORT -- DAY

The PILOT flicks the intercom on again.

PILOT
Ok guys, we’re drawing near to the Primary Docking Bay of the GTD Aquitaine. The sword of the 3rd Fleet. For you guys, this’ll be home for the next two years. She’s a beautiful ship…

The PILOT stops and presses a button. He grins to both ARAM and EDWARD, who smile knowingly.

CUT TO: Suddenly, tiny holographic projectors pop from the walls, floor and ceiling and start to beam out an image. It appears as if the marines are floating free in space. They exclaim in wonder as the huge Docking Bay of the Aquitaine abruptly becomes visible all around them.

PILOT
Treat her well.

13) INT. GTD AQUITAINE, PRIMARY DOCKING BAY –- DAY

EDWARD and ARAM step out from the docking doors of the Omega Class Transport.

EDWARD
I’ve gotta head off and sign in.

ARAM
Well, I’m needed in Section 9, but I’ll take the RTE with you.

EDWARD
Ok.

The two men walk down a gangway. In the background we can see numerous Fighters, Bomber, Transports, Supply Ships and Freighters. They are either locked in, arriving or taking off. A MECHANIC is busy working on an old Ulysses Class Fighter.

ARAM and EDWARD reach the RTE (Rapid Transport Elevator), which from the outside looks like the door to a train. ARAM waves his hand in front of a white panel, the panel ripples like water and the doors open.

14) INT. GTD AQUITAINE, RTE -- DAY

ARAM and EDWARD sit opposite one another. The RTE hums as it moves along.

ARAM
So, was that girl on Vega anything special?

EDWARD
Uh… no. Me and her, we were just… having fun.

ARAM
Ok.

There is a pause.

15) INT. GTD AQUITAINE, OUTSIDE RTE -- DAY

The RTE rockets along an inner track.


-----------------------------------------------------

And what is the consensus this week?

[Cobra]

nice. the internal elysium parts were awesome.

time to get back to homework.

[MicroPsycho]

that's pretty impressive. I think we should get this movie made (or is that your intent?) BTW, why would the Freespace movie be focused on the events of FS2? I ask this because the opening cutscene from FS1 would be the perfect opening to a movie on its own.

[Cobra]

If you want a FS1 movie, look at my script.

he said the is a fan-based script, so it's likely that it won't be made into a movie.

[theoneofblood]

The reason I chose not to focus on FS1 is simply because there weren't as many cool things I could toy with in the script. Plus I like the largely tragic air which exists in the second game, coupled with the advantage of all of the primary factors of the Freespace Universe already being largely fleshed out.

My only problem with this is really the fact that there is so much story in this universe, it'd take a trilogy to really get it down properly.

And yes, I recognise the cinematic quality of the FS1 intro, (the Hallfight cutscene is still awesome as well, but I'll be drawing from that for my script). But there are other scenes to be made ...

[Nuclear1]

I like it much.

Only thing I would have to complain about is the idea that an Elysium would be taking someone off-planet. I'd always thought that smaller shuttles would be doing that, and leave the Elysiums to transporting from station-->destroyer or vice versa.

Otherwise, very nice Your writing talent is quite amazing.

[theoneofblood]

Normally I'd agree with you, however this was not a General Transport that was sent with the sole intention of taking Edward to the Aquitane. It was first and foremost a shuttle service for the new Marine Recruits, thus requiring more space.

[Mongoose]

Fantastic writing.

[Singh]

excellent writing dude

Now that WMCoolmon's putting up good stuff as well, i've got competition

[Singh]

*bump*

any progress?

[phatosealpha]

So, this guy is alpha 1's kid or what?

[EtherShock]

Nice, I like it, except there are too many EXT/INT switches during the transport scene. Something like that probably doesn't need to be described and needs to be left open for interpretation, or they could just be done as descriptions, no need for EXT/INT because it's still the same scene. Also, the time of day isn't really necessary once in orbit/inside a spacefaring vessel (unless you have an explanation for this, maybe in the Aquitaine)? You could describe the light "gleaming off the planet into the viewport," sounds much better if that's what you were going for.

I expected FS1, but this works as well. I definitely favor more bittersweet endings than your typical Hollywood ones. Although, FS1 wasn't entirely happy. They had to lose the jump node to Earth in order to save it, and the GTVA had no idea if the attack group succeeded for a while. They also knew the Shivans would return. It was just a question of when, not nearly as effective as a supernova though and presenting an even bigger question. That was just awesome. Although the Ancients parallel was very well done, reminded me of anime. Enough of my comparison, they're both great stories!

Do you use scriptwriting software? If so, what do you use, because I've been trying to find something good for writing screenplays. Writing scripts in Word is a ***** and a half.

[theoneofblood]

Wow, sorry for not posting in a while guys. Uni work was incredibly hectic and I've been doing a lot of other stuff. I plain forgot to put some exerpts up here.

Ok, in answer to Ethershock. I'm a perfectionist bastard who doesn't trust anyone with my own work, and so often make my visualisations very clear. Plus, I usually write my scripts for me to direct, so I like to remind myself of what cuts and shots I'm using.

In space, currently, astronaunts operate on a 24-hour time schedule. They have a day and a night, same as anyone else. It may not seem to physically make much sense, but it's a necassary illusion which makes life aboard a spacecraft a bit more bearable. I just followed on that logically, the 24-hour time schedule would be honoured in the Freespace Universe.

No I don't use scriptwriting software, but I don't really mind. When I start writing a screenplay I usually just pour it out, then go back to it and structure it. It's not a big hassle for me.

Ok, on to the much-delayed exerpt.

WARNING: THIS EXERPT CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE AND SEXUAL REFERENCES

---------------------------------------------------------------------

16) INT. GTD AQUITAINE, RTE --DAY

EDWARD
Those were all new recruits on the Omega Transport today, huh?

ARAM
Yeah, we’re supposed to be running with maximum personnel for the assault on Epsilon Pegasai.

EDWARD
So it’s been confirmed then?

ARAM
(Nodding)
While you were on leave. We’re going to spearhead the final operation against the Neo Terran Front. I heard something about the 1st Fleet being involved, but it’s mostly going to be us.

EDWARD
Jesus, can you believe it took this long?

ARAM
Can anyone? I don’t think even the NTF expected it to last eighteen months.

EDWARD
And all because they were afraid.

ARAM
Hell, everyone was afraid. When the Beta Aquilae Convention was first signed, my mom thought we’d all end up as slaves to the Vasudans.

EDWARD
Yeah, the older ones have a hard time letting go.

ARAM
Well the Terran-Vasudan war cost about 5 million lives. It’s hard for some people to let something like that just slip into the past.

EDWARD
I guess, but the war ended over thirty years ago.

ARAM
“Time heals all wounds but hatred infects forever.”

EDWARD
Don’t start that quoting **** with me again.

ARAM
You could always stand a little more education Eddy.

The RTE emits a soft musical tone.

RTE VOICE
Sector 9.

ARAM
(Getting up)
I’ll see you at the canteen.

17) INT. GTD AQUITAINE, PILOT’S MESS –- DAY

CLOSE ON: A holographic projector is running on a medium sized dais, it shows a strange sport that appears to be a combination between water polo and Gridiron. One of the players scores a point.

JAIK (O.S.)
Oh come on! What the hell was that?!

We pull back from the game and see a large, grizzled man leaning back on a couch, watching the game. He holds a drink in his hands. MAERA, an Asiatic woman dressed in military gear sits next to him and laughs.

MAERA
What’s the matter Jaik? I thought you said the Centaurai Redeemers were the best team in the galaxy!

JAIK
Shut up!

MAERA
Hey, it’s not my fault you can’t judge teams for crap.

JAIK
I can’t believe this!

EDWARD walks over to the two of them, MAERA nods to him in greeting.

EDWARD
Hey guys, how’s it going?

MAERA
Jaik is losing a bet again.

EDWARD (Rolling his eyes)
Big surprise there.

JAIK
To hell with this! I’m getting another drink. You want something Eddy?

EDWARD
Yeah, I’ll have a Jacks.

JAIK
Right.

He stalks off. Both EDWARD and MAERA laugh.

MAERA
So you heard the news yet?

EDWARD
About us moving to Epsilon Pegasai? Aram mentioned it. The guy at the check in post gave me the call to the briefing room.

MAERA
I can’t wait to get out there again.

EDWARD
I thought you said you always get sick when you hit the hot stuff?

MAERA
Well yeah, I do. But it’s more complicated than that. I hate it. I mean it makes me **** myself when I’m out there. But at the same time, I… can’t imagine myself ever doing anything else.

EDWARD (Half-mockingly)
Glory be to the pilots, for they shall know the stars.

JAIK comes back and hands EDWARD his drink.

JAIK
I miss anything important?

There is a sudden roaring sound of a crowd from the projector and a horn blast.

MAERA (Smiling)
Only your complete humiliation. You owe me one hundred credits.

JAIK
****!

MAERA
So, Eddy, what is this we hear about you getting some on Vega? Apparently a spicy beach honey?

EDWARD
Jesus. How does news travel so fast?

MAERA gestures behind EDWARD, who turns and sees a large message on the notice holograms; “Eddy screwed a beach babe”.

Both JAIK and MAERA laugh.

EDWARD
Ok, it’s official. The next time I see Aram, I’m killing him.

JAIK
Come on Eddy, lighten up! You should be proud!

EDWARD
I swear to God-

Suddenly a succession of five loud beeps sounds off over the intercom.

SPEAKER (Over the Intercom)
Attention all Pilots in wings Gamma, Delta, Beta and Alpha…

JAIK
That’s us.

SPEAKER (Cont’d)
…you are called to Briefing room seven. I repeat. All pilots in wings Gamma, Delta, Beta and Alpha…

----------------------------------------------------------

I'll try and post a bit more frequently now.

[Singh]

all i can say is wow!

The script is hilarious in places and well-written overall. Excellent writing indeed!