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The Cornerstone of Civilization, Part 1 The History of Beer, Politics, & Other Important Things The two most important events in all of history were the invention of
beer and the invention of the wheel.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.
These were the foundations of modern civilization and together were the
catalyst for splitting humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and
Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning
of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet,
so our early human ancestors just stayed close to the brewery.
That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night
while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as
"The Conservative Movement".
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live
off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the
sewing, weaving, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of "The Liberal
Movement." Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The
rest became known as 'girleymen'. Some noteworthy liberal achievements
include the domestication of cats, the trade union, class action lawsuits,
the invention of group therapy & group hugs and the concept of Democratic
voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives
provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the
jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer
white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef
well done. Sushi, tofu and French food are standard liberal fare. Another
interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher
testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury
attorneys, journalists, hair dressers, Hollywood dreamers and group
therapists are liberals. Liberals invented baseball's designated hitter rule
because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer and eat red meat & potatoes.
Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction
workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers,
self employed, athletes & generally anyone who works productively outside
government.
Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to
work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers
and decide what to do with the production. They also like to take money
away from successful people and give it to the failures. Liberals believe
Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the
liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They
crept in after the Wild West was tamed & created a business of trying to get
MORE for NOTHING.
Thus ends today's lesson in world history.
Tomorrow we will discuss the origins of the evolution of whining.
This document has been reviewed by Joseph A. Bowden, ADC, and was
determined to be UNCLASSIFIED.
Joseph A. Bowden
W78 Lead System Engineer
Engineering Sciences and Applications Division
Weapon System Engineering
Los Alamos National Laboratory
Los Alamos, NM 87545[/q]
