[Ace]

http://www.commondreams.org/views06/0615-38.htm

Published on Thursday, June 15, 2006 by CommonDreams.org
Ambassadorial Suicide Initiative
by John Brown


STATE DEPARTMENT TELEGRAM - SECRET

TO: All Ambassadors

FROM: Under Secretary of State for Public Diplomacy and Public Affairs -- Karen Hughes

THROUGH: The White House -- Mr. Karl Rove

SUBJECT: Ambassadorial Suicide Initiative: Follow-up to Deputy Assistant Secretary of State for Public Affairs Colleen Graffy’s New Initiative on Suicide as a Good PR Move

REFERENCE: DAS Graffy interview with BBC, June, 2006 http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/5069230.stm

SUMMARY: You are instructed to commit suicide soonest. End Summary.

BACKGROUND

Because of relentless jihadist propaganda, the respect of the world toward the United States -- that is, the number of Americans that will vote Republican in the November Congressional elections -- has diminished immensely in recent months. Al Qaeda operatives, using venues ranging from Mosques to the internet, have damaged the honor of our country throughout the world -- that is, Republicans’ electability among American voters. The terrorists’ latest tactic has been for their infiltrators to commit suicide in the U.S. government facility in Guantanamo, Cuba, where they are housed, fed, and protected, in the best Christian/American traditions, from the Geneva Conventions. So, in order to win the struggle against violent extremism, we have no choice but to use Bin Laden’s own methods, just as we did against the Soviets’ propaganda during the Cold War.

SPECIFIC INSTRUCTIONS

Your suicide must be carefully planned. We strongly recommend the following steps, reluctantly recognizing that local conditions may require minor variations in these instructions. If you feel you must introduce changes to these orders, please obtain the appropriate authorization from the Department’s Special Task Force for Ambassadorial Suicide (STFAS). Do not call (even through a secure line) or e-mail; send a cable through official channels, as you survivors’ benefits may depend on the extent to which you have followed the Department’s obligatory recommendations. Do not, repeat do not, expect to outlive your suicide. NOTE: Your funeral expenses will not be covered by the Department at this time of budgetary constraints.

1. On Monday 9:00 am sharp next week, you -- American Ambassadors worldwide -- must meet with your Country Team (CT), the heads of sections of the Embassy under your supervision: political, economic, consular, administrative, public diplomacy. ALLOWED EXCEPTION: If a Republican fund-raiser wishes to have breakfast with you, you are permitted to delay your CT meeting.

2. During the meeting, describe to the CT STFAS’s priorities in detail (a document on these priorities is forthcoming in the diplomatic pouch and might not reach you in time; but you must state what it says). Insist that no leaks about the STFAS program are permitted, citing presidential adviser Karl Rove as an example of how the illegal dissemination of classified information can be prevented. Provide STFAS initiative details as described below.

3. Once you have made it clear to your staff why your ambassadorial suicide is a must in the propaganda war, take steps for the implementation of the program.

PROGRAM IMPLEMENTATION

1. After the CT meeting, the Public Affairs (PA) Section of your Embassy should immediately get in touch with all embassy contacts -- in government, NGOs, media, academe -- and inform them that the American Ambassador is going to commit suicide to show his undying support for U.S. principles and values as incarnated by President George W. Bush. NOTE: The White House will contact the American media directly about the STFAS initiative.

2. The site for this suicide should be where America is best known and respected in local communities, such as McDonald’s or movie theaters that show Hollywood blockbusters. Do not, repeat do not, implement STFAS at a “cultural” venue (e.g., art gallery, concert hall), as this could divert from the straight policy -- that is, PR -- message of your initiative.

3. The hour of your suicide on Tuesday next week -- 8:30 AM -- has been chosen so your dying action will be covered live by many of the early-morning news shows in the U.S. NOTE: Sponsors of these infotorment programs will be funeral houses that contribute to the campaigns of Republican congressional candidates.

4. Method of suicide: While seated in a prominent area of your chosen death venue and surrounded by media as well as by Embassy staff wearing Bush/Cheney buttons and American flag pins, you should read out loud President Bush’s speeches since he has been elected president. This will cause your passing to occur in a time span ranging from 30 seconds to one minute. No cyanide pill will be necessary. Embassy staff should display utmost decorum -- i.e., chew gum more rapidly -- during your last gasps. When you die, staff should leap up, clap and cheer loudly, “Bush/Cheney forever, Bush/Cheney forever, Bush/Cheney forever.” NOTE: This cheer can also be uttered in the host-country language through interpreters, to assure widespread dissemination of our message.

5. Your corpse will be removed by Embassy Marine Security Guards. It will be flown to the United States on the very day of your last day on earth by a U.S. Air Force jet. NOTE: Due to budgetary constraints, do not expect that your coffin, once stateside, will be transported by a USG vehicle to its final destination. That is the responsibility of your immediate relatives and/or friends. If they elect not to pick up your remains, your body will be disposed of in an appropriate manner. NOTE: We are in communications with the FBI in how to use unclaimed ambassadorial bodies for forensic research on the effects that the president’s announcements on Weapons of Mass Destruction (WMD) have had on the human brain.

ONWARD ASSIGNMENT

1. For your next assignment, and as a reward for your loyalty and your commitment to Bush ideals, you have a choice to represent the administration in one of two extraterrestrial assignments: heaven (non-hardship) or hell (hardship). Please inform personnel of your decision through the Extrasensory Perception Channel (EPC).

2. We look forward to working with you in the future in our joint efforts to improve America’s image everywhere.

3. This message is sent under Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice’s signature.

##RICE

Drafted by: JBrown

John Brown is a former diplomat who compiles the Public Diplomacy Press Review, available free upon request at the site http://www.uscpublicdiplomacy.org/pdpr/ or by emailing [email protected].

The funny thing is after it gets around enough George might think it's a good idea

Then again, he only reads the sites on Internets 2-6.

[Tyrian]

Lol...That's hilarious!!!

Wait...That government statement is a joke, right?

[Turambar]

it's something written by an ex-government person, as a joke

[Tyrian]

Just wanted to make sure...With Bush in the White House, you can never be too sure about anything that has "Government" written on it...

Although if Bush followed that advice, along with Cheney, and a few other White House guys, it might not be a bad policy...

I mean, could you imagine widespread  and  by White House aides?

Or am I just evil?   

[Turambar]

do you have any idea how many people we'd have to kill in order to put a decent human being in the white house?!?!  the number is most definitely in the double digits.

let me put it this way: the only way that it managed to happen in BSG was that the entire human race was annihilated.

[Tyrian]

I realize it's impossible to get a decent person in the White House...But sometimes you justhave to entertain the thought for a few seconds just to keep yourself sane...

[Nuke]

do you have any idea how many people we'd have to kill in order to put a decent human being in the white house?!?!  the number is most definitely in the double digits.

let me put it this way: the only way that it managed to happen in BSG was that the entire human race was annihilated.

and in the end they still got a moronic asshole

[Turambar]

asshole maybe, but Baltar definitely isn't a moron.  he's just disillusioned after what he thought was the loss of the cylon baby.  the doc'll redeem himself, you'll see.

[aldo_14]

asshole maybe, but Baltar definitely isn't a moron.  he's just disillusioned after what he thought was the loss of the cylon baby.  the doc'll redeem himself, you'll see.

Redeem himself?  He sacrificed all of humanity for a quick shag, and did it again (in effect) by giving another a nuke (again for a quick shag - not to mention ****ing up settling on a desolate hole of a planet); it's somewhat hard to redeem that methinks.

[AlphaOne]

Balthar equals an absolute idiot! For al his knoledge of this and that he is an idiot who would sell his unborn child from his mothers belly if it got him a quikie.

[Turambar]

just wait. 

[AlphaOne]

hwta you got some sort of insight on whats gooing to happen next??? cuz if you do then please share!

[NGTM-1R]

Pretty much the only hope Balthar has for redemption anymore is to devise a killer app that'll knock out the Cylons.

And he's not a very good programmer, supposedly. Gaeta has more chance of it then him.

[Turambar]

nah, baltar has the capacity to be very cool, remember Hand of God?  he's going to pull through and help the resistance or something.  i have no real knowledge, but theyre not just going to have baltar sit around and get h8 thrown at him right?

[aldo_14]

nah, baltar has the capacity to be very cool, remember Hand of God?  he's going to pull through and help the resistance or something.  i have no real knowledge, but theyre not just going to have baltar sit around and get h8 thrown at him right?

What, you mean the bit where he sent a significant Colonial force on a last ditch mission to gain life-vital supplies on the basis of the voice in his head?

[Turambar]

where he pointed randomly to the spot on the map and said "there"  and when they bombed "there,"  "there" exploded reeeeal big and took out the cylon refinery.  big G's just been having a rough time since the season 1 finale.  maybe his old six will come back to him or something.

[NGTM-1R]

where he pointed randomly to the spot on the map and said "there"  and when they bombed "there,"  "there" exploded reeeeal big and took out the cylon refinery.  big G's just been having a rough time since the season 1 finale.  maybe his old six will come back to him or something.

Actually...Lee did not bomb the structure he pointed to. Since the one he pointed to was round, and the one that got bombed was rectangular.

So Lee Adama is God's instrument, not Gauis Balthar!

[Nuke]

baltar is more of a cylon sex toy than an instrument of god.