[andystephens]

Ok, I managed to find the rough draft for the series opener. It is not completed as it was the first draft. Have a read and let me know any changes/comments or anything else

Freespace the Series: Episode 101/102 - Into the Night (Pilot)

"In the beginning there is life, in the end there is death, what is in between?"
Admiral Galahad - GTC Luko - 2322


Begin Teaser

(We pan in to 3 Apollo class fighters approach a baron moon, they are on patrol in this region of space)

LT ONE: Why did they send us out here, there is no sign of any Vasudans
LT THREE: Just keep your eyes on the radar, my gut tells me otherwise
LT ONE: Man, I am sick of listening to your gut, I say we just go home.
LT TWO: Hold the talks guys, I am beginning to pick up energy signatures, bearing 317 mark 4
LT THREE: I have it to, bringing weapons online
LT ONE: I am not picking up anything, are you sure they are there

(Suddenly, 7 Seth Vasudan fighters fly from the other side of the moon, it is an ambush)

LT ONE: Split up, give them multiples targets, lets get them boys
LT THREE: Copy, engaging attack pattern Omega 6

(The battle ensues, all ships hitting each other, taking damage. A couple of Vasudan ships get destroyed.)

LT TWO: Got one, oh no, I am picking up 15 new energy signatures
LT ONE: Copy that, readings do not match any known signature
LT TWO: Do you think its Vasudans (Two takes a hit on the port engine) Damn, I am hit, venting gases
LT THREE: The unkowns will be on us in 1 minute, then we will know who they are

(All we see from here are death black ships flying towards both sides ships and destroy them all)

LT ONE: NNNNnnnnoooooooooooooooooooooooo…………………………..

(Smash Cut to Opening titles - Yet to be designed)

(Scene starts on a bridge of the xxxxxxxx, two Commanders are standing over a radar station)

COMM 1: Is there still now sign of Alpha Wing
RADAR OP: No Sir, they never checked in
COMM 2: Do you think they were ambushed
COMM 1: We would have picked up a distress beacon, but there has been nothing.
COMM 2: We will give them an hour, after which we will scramble Delta wing for Search and Rescue
RADAR OP: Aye sir.

(Both commanders walk off the bridge and into a corridor)

COMM 1: Do you think the Vasudans are playing dangerously John
COMM 2: You cannot tell anymore with them. We have been in this war for xx years, and they have been very unpredictable
COMM 1: Just why would they hit a small patrol?
COMM 2: I don’t know. I am on my way to Drake's quarters, I want him in charge of Delta wing if we need them
COMM 1 Are you sure, the last time he went out, it didn’t exactly go to plan
COMM 2: He is the best pilot we have onboard, I want him out there just in case
COMM 1: Well if he screws up this time, on your head be it

(Both commanders move of in different directions)

(We are now on Drakes quarters)

ATKINS: Drake, its me
DRAKE: What do I owe the pleasure
ATKINS: I need you in a flight suit and prepped to launch in 45 minutes
DRAKE: Whats up?
ATKINS: Alpha wing has not checked in. We think they may have been ambushed
DRAKE: Is that all I am good for, flying around looking for ships which may or may not have been destroyed. Thanks but no thanks
ATKINS: I need you on this one, you are the best we have
DRAKE: I have been pulled of regular flying service, and this is the only way back in.
ATKINS: Damn it Tom. I am giving you a lifeline here, take it or you may find your self cleaning the engine ports for the rest of your career
DRAKE: I'll be there.
ATKINS: Good, and promise me one thing
DRAKE: What?
ATKINS: Don’t screw up (he leaves the quarters)

(We are now in the the pre flight briefing bay. We are with Drake and 7 other people, and  Senior officer telling them there orders)

SENIOR: As at now, 0800 hours, we a declaring Alpha wing MIA. We are scrambling Delta wing for search and rescue. You will jump to the xxxxxxxxxx system and search for survivors or debris. Please keep your wits about you, they may have been ambushed and we don’t want the same thing to happen again. Geller, you and Johnson will be Delta One in this mission. Drake and Andrews, Delta two, you two will be Delta three and finally you will make up Delta four. Find our people gentlemen. Godspeed
GELLER: Alright men, to your ships, we launch in 5 minutes.

(The crews head to there craft, which are 2 men bombers.)

GELLER: Alright people, when we arrive, we will spread out in standard search pattern, if we find people we will call for a rescue ship
DRAKE: What happens if we find trouble?
GELLER: Then we get rid of the trouble

(We see the ships leave the docking clamps and head out into space)

JOHNSON: All craft, jump to co-ordinates 389.47 Mark Three.
GELLER: Engage

(All craft open up jump holes and disappear into them)

(We go back to the bridge of the xxxxxxx, where the 2 commanders are)

RADAR OP: All ships have departed sir
COMM 1: Good, now all we can do is wait
COMM 2: Drake will find them, I know it
COMM 1: He better, I have put a lot on the line to let him out again so soon
COMM 2: Trust me, I think we have seen the last of his screw ups


(We are at the baron moon from the beginning, 4 jump signatures open up)

DRAKE: Damn, I hate flying through sub space
GELLER: Keep the chatter to a minimum, if the Vasudans are here I want to surprise them. Start passive scanning, 2 clicks
JOHNSON: Aye sir
ANDREWS: I am picking up ionisation trails, far side of the moon. I cannot get a clear scan due to the magnetic interference
GELLER: Well lets do it the hard way, keep your eyes open, D2, D3, hang back 1 parsec, if they are there we want you to provide coveer.
D2+D3: Aye sir
GELLER: You ready Tom? Cover me
DRAKE: Roger

(Both ships move slowly past them moon to the other side)

JOHNSON: Scans starting to clear, still not picking up much but ionisation.
ANDREWS: I am transmitting on emergency channel 04, Alpha wing this is Lt. Andrews from Delta wing, anyone read me
DRAKE: Clearing the moon in 15 secongs
GELLER: Charge weapons, we want to be ready
ANDREWS: All I am getting is static
DRAKE: 5 Seconds

(They clear the moon, and they are confronted by a debris field)

GELLER: Oh my god!
JOHNSON: I am scanning the debris field for escape pods
DRAKE: What happened here?
ANDREWS: Scans indicate both Terran and Vasudans fighter wreckage.
JOHNSON: I regret to inform that there are no survivors, no emergency beacons.
ANDREWS: Strange, I am picking up 3 weapon signatures. Two are Terran and Vasudan, but there is a 3rd unknown.
GELLER: Copy that, see if you can find the wreckage for alpha one and download the sensor logs.
JOHNSON: Got it, downloading now. OK we are complete. Send subspace message, priority 01, explain our findings and that we are on our way back
DRAKE: Orders sir
GELLER: Lets go, nothing more we can do here.

(All ships jump out to head back to the command ship)

[Colonol Dekker]

I can visualise it, Needs more oomph, Not a lot but this is just a concptual brief right? In which case its fine.........

Kudos to you, and throw a James Dobbs into the plot somewhere

[aldo_14]

It seems a little....I dunno, cliched?  Dry?  Something.  I just don't get the 'whoaff' feeling from it.

[Colonol Dekker]

Thats what extended plot and writers are for. This is just a plot line synapsis.....

[andystephens]

Like I said, its an extremely rough draft, and if you guys can help turn things around then we will have a good production

Keep the comments coming

[neoterran]

baron ? barren.

I find it hard to believe a screenwriter cannot spell that word 

I'm not impressed with this so far. The dialog is very cliched and needs some serious work.

lines like :

DRAKE: What happens if we find trouble?
GELLER: Then we get rid of the trouble

that's just no good... can't have that kind of silly stuff in a good freespace movie/series.
Remember, you have really well written prior art to be compared to like Babylon 5, Battlestar and the like. So it has to be better than that.

[andystephens]

this is a draft I recovered after my computer troubles. I do have more somewhere, its just a case of finding it.

The reason I put it up is because I wanted to get input, which will help me improve what we have

I just wanted to know what you guys think

And yes, my spelling does suck, I never spell checked

[Black Wolf]

I'm not normally a particularly mean person. I am, however, an honest person. And honestly, this is rubbish, and it's certainly not the kind of production I'd expect from someone who's "been writing scripts for about 12 years" unless you've been writing them in another language. Rough draft or otherwise, I'd expect a scriptwriter to be able to use standard stage directions, and at the very least describe the scenes in more detail than "We are now in the the pre flight briefing bay". But most importantly, if you write scripts for a living, or even as a long term hobby, you'd know that people simply don't speak the way you've written it up there, not in reality, not on TV, nowhere.

As already pointed out
"DRAKE: What happens if we find trouble?
GELLER: Then we get rid of the trouble"

Or "Well if he screws up this time, on your head be it"
"The unkowns will be on us in 1 minute, then we will know who they are"

These are not the words of an experienced script writer. I'm an amateur writer myself, never had anything published, never even finished anything to a publishable length, and yet I could still write better dialogue than this.

Also, a parsec is about 3 light years. Might be hard to hang back that far...

[neoterran]

I'm sorry, but he's right. It's really really bad, and I don't think you've been telling us the truth andy. Might as well come clean now, not everyone here is a teenager you know, we have a bit more intuition than the average 16 year old.

[andystephens]

I never said I was any good. I have been writing on and off

I just thought you guys would help me not slate me

[aldo_14]

I never said I was any good. I have been writing on and off

I just thought you guys would help me not slate me

sorry mate, but you did say you were a(n experienced) pro, and we have very high standards/expectations for pros.

Plus, it's hard to give anything beyond critique without beginning to write it for you; I could say x or y might sound better, but at the same time it might not mesh atall with the storyline, character arcs, etc.

[Nuclear1]

Like I said, its an extremely rough draft, and if you guys can help turn things around then we will have a good production

Keep the comments coming

Alright, we've had this type of discussion before, and the general conclusion is that nobody should simply throw out "extremely rough drafts" of anything, be they missions, scripts, models, etc. Even my high school teachers won't read a paper until it is definitely a rough draft, not me unleashing my cats at a toy mouse attached to the keyboard for two hours.

The descriptive scenes have got to be longer and more detailed. That's exactly what they're there for: to set the scene and allow the readers (particularly the set designers et al.) to better understand what needs to be created. I wrote a short little FS1 script a while back, though it really was quite terrible. Still, I sat down for about two hours writing down ideas of what I wanted to be in the scene (what ships, how many, and what should be focused on). When I felt I'd written enough, I'd summarize part of the scene into one or two paragraphs worth of information detailing first what was in the entire scene, and then what was specifically on camera.

[TopAce]

Apart from punctuation and spelling mistakes, I don't have a problem with it. Needs more events and less dialogue, though. I think you should have written a little bit more before showing it to us.

[EDIT] A thread worth reading through, I remember this thread, very instructive in a certain point of view.

[Ferret]

I love how you describe Shivan ships as "death black ships". I always thought that line was hilarious.

[neoterran]

The reason I put it up is because I wanted to get input

And you have gotten your input. My input is that it sucks. I'm not saying you suck, so don't take it too personally. You are not your writing.

Trust me, if you want to do this type of thing for a living you need to be able to take criticism better than you have been. It's worse than this in the real world. You'd likely not get any "sorry mate, but..." responses, more just a laugh in your face and a returned script (if you're lucky)

I think you should start over, taking in some of the advice from this thread and repost it when you have improved it, and let this thread start all over.

[brandx0]

Is this from the same guy who had wrote a story for a Freespace series and then when he was apparently done, he asked for people to create characters for him?  I remember such a thread a while back.

Either way, just reading it you can see that whether this is the same poster or not, the characters have not been developed at all, with no real motivation.  Once a character appears, the screenwriter has only so much time to develop a basic idea of the character's general personality and motivation, usually in the first scene something about the character has to be told.  Let's take this for example:

ATKINS: Drake, its me
DRAKE: What do I owe the pleasure
ATKINS: I need you in a flight suit and prepped to launch in 45 minutes
DRAKE: Whats up?
ATKINS: Alpha wing has not checked in. We think they may have been ambushed
DRAKE: Is that all I am good for, flying around looking for ships which may or may not have been destroyed. Thanks but no thanks
ATKINS: I need you on this one, you are the best we have
DRAKE: I have been pulled of regular flying service, and this is the only way back in.
ATKINS: Damn it Tom. I am giving you a lifeline here, take it or you may find your self cleaning the engine ports for the rest of your career
DRAKE: I'll be there.
ATKINS: Good, and promise me one thing
DRAKE: What?
ATKINS: Don’t screw up (he leaves the quarters)

now, after this what do we know about the characters, anything at all?  let's stretch and try to analyze this scene as best as possible:

DRAKE: he is the "best we have" and he's been "pulled off regular flying service" (speaking of which, try to learn some basic military colloqualisms if you intend to create a script based on a military setting.)  He's apparently bitter (how typical... sigh.)  Somehow he knows that this sortie is his only way "back in." (whatever that means...)  He's also somewhat of a pushover, having been immediately rather rebellious towards someone we can only assume is his commanding officer, and rather adamant about his refusal to fly on this sortie, yet in one line of dialogue he's just fine with going. 

ATKINS:  He developed a terrible diet and died of a heart attack (okay... just kidding.)  He is friends with this Drake character somehow, and he somewhat cares about him, having given him a "lifeline."  He's also somewhat critical of his subbordinates ("Don't Screw Up") which I suppose is either supposed to give some character to him, or perhaps impart some seriousness to the situation, neither of which it does well.


I dunno, it just feels flat mainly due to a lack of any kind of introduction of characters or real characterization at all.  Try again kiddo.

[Unknown Target]

*Experienced script writer power up +5 to writing skill*

Um, yea, while I'm definately not as mean as some of these guys (), I have to ask, is English your native language? No offense, it's just that your writing reflects tendencies often found in non native speakers. The most glaring thing in your writing is that you don't use any contractions - listen to people talk, and write like that. If that doesn't help, say the lines out side and see if they sound natural.

[neoterran]

Let me explain where i'm coming from.

A guy shows up on our forum, introduces himself as some kind of professsional script writer and/or a screenplay writer with at least a decade of experience (that we now know is more off than on) who is writing a pilot for a new series based on freespace that ostensibly he will pitch to some guys in suits with capital to burn.

Everyone gets super excited at this prospect and a thread blossoms, with all the closet scriptwriters and writers nascent on the forum basically coming out and spilling their guts and giving ideas and just basically getting everyone excited. I too, was caught up in this.

Then, we get this thread, which, after a "the dog ate my homework" type excuse couched in the framework of a computer problem (note : backups are your friend, andystephens) we get the "extreme rough draft" which, lets face it, is not much better than what my kid sister in the 10th grade could produce. And that's not even being completely fair to my sister.

So, you can imagine that some of us feel a little, duped, shanghai'd, wool pulled over our eyes, disenchanted, disappointed, and a little miffed at said outcome.

I wouldn't have said the things I've said if I didn't feel this way, and andy, if you'd said, hey guys, i'm just a guy with an idea, what do you think of this, instead of they way you did it, I'd be a lot more supportive of you in general. 

There, i've said my peace.

[Nuclear1]

Um, yea, while I'm definately not as mean as some of these guys

neoterran: don't worry, I completely agree with you. I guess the rest of us were just trying to be somewhat subtle about it. If he had just come and mentioned that he was interested in writing a script to share with the community, I wouldn't see much a problem. This isn't like an individual campaign or something; HLP doesn't really get a whole lot of community-wide collaborative efforts anymore (besides the SCP).

DRAKE: he is the "best we have" and he's been "pulled off regular flying service" (speaking of which, try to learn some basic military colloqualisms if you intend to create a script based on a military setting.) 

Indeed.

"Preflight briefing bay" = Ready Room.
"Regular Flying Service" = Active Duty.

A lot of what I'm seeing being said by the characters is stuff that really can be addressed in a Dramatis Personae or the paragraphs I mentioned earlier. We don't need characters spouting out expository comments like that; nobody in Real Life™ would speak like that, and neither should TV characters.

[neoterran]

Well, i have been accused of being tactless in two threads now, I guess i am a blunt guy but at least I am honest about it. It's not my duty to save people's feelings, I am doing them a favor and saving them time by telling them the truth.